Putting Things Into Perspective

Not to be morbid here, but there is a way of thinking can actually help you separate the bull from the important while you're here for this short time on earth. It's meditating on the fact that you and everyone you know will die - most within the next 60 years.

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking that you have something to lose. You are already naked. There's no reason not to follow your heart." - Steve Jobs


Deep down none of us wants death. We might even say we wish we were dead at times but if God said "Okay," and we felt a horrible sharp pain in our chest most of us would probably change our minds pretty quickly. Of course, we all want to die in our sleep without feeling any pain when that unavoidable time comes. None of us wants to be slowly crushed by a car or stabbed 50 times in the ass until we bleed out. But, even if we avoid dwelling on that moment of death (which is probably healthy) there is no denying that this life that you are now living as you read these words is going to end.

This usually brings up the cliches like - "Life is short. Don't waste it. Live to the fullest," bull but even those of us on this planet that are living in utter poverty, not knowing where our next meal is coming from and sometimes in abusive situations are still clinging to life. They aren't living life to the fullest but they still aren't ready to die. Is it because we don't have the courage to take our own life or is it because no matter how pessimistic we may seem, something inside of us is telling us that something can change, something good can happen, and we don't want to miss out on that no matter how far fetched of a miracle it may seem? After all, miracles do happen everyday so why couldn't one happen to us? Besides, it would be selfish to put others in a state of misery because we've decided to check out early wouldn't it?

Five to one, baby
One in five
No one here gets out alive, now
You get yours, baby
I'll get mine
Gonna make it, baby
If we try.

Jim Morrison 


Life is hard. There are very few people on this earth that don't deal with strife. No matter how much money they have, who they are married to, how well behaved their kids are etc., none of us escapes this life without pain, and of course none of us gets out alive. So, instead of saying enjoy every moment (because that's an impossibility) I will instead say that when we do face troubles we should contemplate both the fact that nothing is permanent, you aren't the first and you won't be the last to have these feelings, and finally that the simple fact that you could die tomorrow makes that issue you have going on at work or the anxiety your having over speaking in front of a group seem petty and/or a waste of your energy.

The ancient world, and the Renaissance, had a good method of dealing with anxiety, which I find still works – the memento mori, or reminder of Death. Ancient philosophers, particularly the Stoics, would train themselves to consider Death , to consider how everything around them would turn to dust, how they themselves would soon be eaten by the worms, and forgotten by everyone on earth. - Jules Evans

In the Christian tradition there is also the concept of death of the body not being such a bad thing. When reading Paul's writings you can clearly see that he accepts the fact that he is still on the earth for a reason but he's more than ready to go "home" when God sees fit because there is no END even if it seems so to us at the present. There is only being absent from the body.

We are confident, I say, and owilling rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. - 2 Corinthians 5:8

12 Public Speaking Tips to Become Sturdy Minded

I've done some public speaking recently (twice in two days), which may be a surprise to anyone who's read some of my bleaker posts about this subject in the past. I'm not saying that this is something easy to get over (by no means) or that I'm completely at ease yet myself, but I thought I'd post a few things that have helped me out over the last few days and have made me much more comfortable. It's strange, but right now I'm feeling like I want more practice with it - which is a long way from the days where I would dread the experience from the moment I found out that it was coming until the moment the I was in front of a group.

The more comfortable I get with myself in front of a group, the more I feel as if a weight that I've been carrying half of my life is finally being lifted off of me. I even smiled a few times behind that podium because "It's been a long time coming." How ridiculous that I've let this hinder me for so long. I know that I have a long way to go, but taking these steps of doing and not avoiding (like I used to) has been good for me. I can already tell that the more I do this, the less of a 'big deal' my mind will make out of it. To show you how small I'm starting and how far I have to go - I haven't spoken in front of more than 15 people yet and my comfort level somewhat depends on who is in my small audience. If I know there's a rude or judgmental person there, I'm a little more anxious (which is something I've got to get past). Why let one or two people ruin progress? I've noticed from watching any public speaking, that there are people in the audience that will be judgmental no matter who is up in front of them. These are usually the people that would hate to be up there themselves.

Below is what has helped me and I didn't learn all of this on my own so I'm going to give credit where credit is due...

1. If possible, start speaking in front of 10 to 15 people. Where it's work related you can start by just reading and going over the facts without getting too much into personal stories etc. As you get comfortable that will come later.

2. I know this goes against what all of the public speaking "experts" teach but don't be afraid to make a joke out of your nervousness. The "experts" say you don't want to draw attention to it but if you think they will notice anyway, take the pressure off yourself by being real. They will usually laugh at this if it's done in a certain way. There is usually no reason,while public speaking, to make everything so serious. The more self-effacing and friendly you are, the more likely you'll get warm feelings back towards you. If someone in the audience is jerky enough to take advantage of that; you have the podium (so to speak), so you can shut them down (if even sarcastically).

3. Remember half of your audience isn't listening to you and the other half just hopes you don't call on them.

4. Smile - Smiling changes the brain. When you grin (even a small sly grin) it eases the tension. At least it has been working for me. You don't have to stand up there grinning like the Cheshire cat but every now and then helps the brain snap into a better mood and sense of well-being.

5 Breathing - this has been a biggie for me. I did not realize how much effective breathing can ease the tensions in my body. Here are the breathing videos I recommend (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched at one point)...



6. Realize that some things just can't be fixed with your head. Whether you're reading book after book on the subject but never putting it into practice, or you're backstage trying to think about how special you are because you read it in one of those books - there are some things you can't think yourself out of. Sometimes the best way to fix your head is to get out of your head - see  the videos below for better explanations (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched)...



7. If needed, get with your doctor or psychiatrist about prescriptions that will help with the nerves while you practice and get better at public speaking. If permitted by a physician, perhaps you can taper down the amount taken as you get more comfortable being in front of an audience - up to the point where you no longer find the medication necessary because your brain has rewired itself to see public speaking as something that isn't life threatening or as big of a deal as you once made it. The typical medications a doctor might prescribe would be Xanax or beta-blockers. Of course, it'd be great not to have to use them at all but it depends on how extreme the fear is. If it's to the point where you'd rather drive off into the distance, lose your job, and leave your family behind because your company wants you to give 20 minute speech, then perhaps your psychiatrist can give you something to help you get over that hump. While feeling the fear isn't a bad thing, there's no reason you have to suffer more than the average person does before they do public speaking. Even pets are given sedatives during thunderstorms.

8. When you can, use a podium. I love podiums. You can sort your paperwork out on them, hide those shaky hands you usually get at first. Lean on it for a rest when you want (but they will think you're doing it for effect). Use one when possible. Politicians have it made, besides debates they have a podium and teleprompters to read off of.

9. Don't over-prep. Over-preparing can make you more nervous (it does me). Have some bullet points you'd like to hit and go from there. You don't have to memorize a speech or practice it over and over. That's overkill and it makes being in front of other people as different than other parts of your life. Do you have to practice what you're going to say to your buddy or family members over and over before you talk to them? I know you want to be a little more prepared when you have a message that has to be relayed to a group of people but I'm done with over-prepping and the 'practicing in the mirror' bit.

10. Remember it's not about you, the world doesn't revolve around you. They don't care as much as you think they do. You're actually up there just having a conversation with fellow human beings.

11. Change your Diet for the better - I will get more into this later but I've cut way back on dairy and carbs and I'm feeling a lot calmer. Also, the better shape you're in, the better you'll probably feel in front of a group. Especially if you haven't nailed down that "I don't give a crap what they think" part yet.

12. Last trick I have that is still taking me some time to get a complete grip on - The more you don't care if you appear nervous or that people will notice your blushing, shaky hands, shaky voice etc. - the less nervous you will be. As a result of not caring if they notice, the symptoms are eliminated :). This probably goes hand in hand with #2 on this list. The less you care what others think, the better off you'll be.

"The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think."

Invoking the Power of Your NO

Some of us are very reluctant to use our No. I've brought this up in earlier post stating that apologizing when saying "no" to an unreasonable request is unreasonable and in this post where I bring up the fact that we let ourselves be manipulated, in part, due to our inability to say "no". Can this whole no thing be taken to the extreme? Of course it can. When you're hired to do a job it would be ridiculous to say, the day after you're hired, that you refuse to do it simply because you're not in the mood. The no should come more often than you think though. It should come when you are put in a spot that you inherently know what you should do, but someone else insist otherwise, or tries to convince you that they know better. This goes back to the quote in Fincher's "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" -

"It's hard to believe that fear of offending me is stronger than the fear of pain, but you know what? It is."

I've been thinking about our reluctance to tell others "no" even when it's beneficial for us to do so and even when it would be destructive for us not to say it. It started when I listened to this podcast where Lewis Howes interviews the author of The Power of No's James Altucher. If you're not familiar with this subject, this podcast is a good place to start. I also have watched the video below a few times and some excellent points are made on how "no" is a part of life's journey if you are to grow.

The metamorphosis that Elliott Hulse is talking about here as far as Friedrich Nietzsche is concerned is best summed up here. I'm not a fan of Nietzsche but I can see where Elliott is coming from making the comparisons in this video. In the story "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" by Nietzche, he claims that "God is dead." This is because he believes in order to become the Ubermensche, one must get rid of the "Thou Shalts" and this beast of burden thinking. 

I know that in the case of Nietzsche, he's talking of an oppressive religious system. Jesus himself was against the repressive religious system of the Pharisees. Bringing wrongful ways of thinking down does not, however, mean that God is dead. If you really want freedom out from under a 'thou shalt' or a boss then Christianity would be the most reasonable track. In order to say no to the world and slay the dragon you have to remember who the dragon is and remember that no matter how powerful you think you are, you will still worship something. 

When Nietzsche says that we are to become like children again with a new yes, he's talking of a natural cycle that happens on a more personal level in people's lives, whether they believe in a God or not. The older you get, the more likely you are able to see through people's bull and give out more NO's then yeses, the wiser you get the more likely you are to accept that you don't know everything but you're willing to recreate yourself with new knowledge that you, yourself have tested instead of simply accepting what's been passed down to you. 

Related Books:
The Power of No: Because One Little Word Can Bring Health, Abundance, and Happiness
Pulling Your Own Strings
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Bono and C.S. Lewis

It seems that U2's Bono is familiar with the work of his fellow Irishman and author C.S. Lewis, particularly with Lewis's book Mere Christianity. They both have basically the same take on Jesus either being the Messiah, as he said he was, or being a complete lunatic that millions upon millions have been fooled by for two-thousand years. I think that they've both made an excellent argument for there being no in-between. I'd add the question - What are the odds that a man would go to these lengths and coincidentally have a following that was philosophically ripe and creative enough to keep the gospel spreading thousands of years after their deaths (most of them having been killed because of their allegiance to Jesus)? It seems highly improbable when you look at this historically that things would fall so perfectly into place for a lunatic. It shows me that there is something tangible and real about both Jesus and his follower's claims. 

Why would the original crew die for a lunatic or for someone that they had lied about or made up? If you'd made up some fantastical stories about your buddy that brought you some fame and fortune would you not say that you'd made it up if your life depended on it? To do otherwise must mean that you are convinced that you've told the truth, have seen what you've claimed to have seen, and are eager to see this friend after your death because you believe what he promised.

BONO: So what you’re left with is: either Christ was who He said He was - the Messiah -or a complete nutcase. I mean, we’re talking nutcase on the level of Charles Manson. This man was like some of the people we’ve been talking about earlier. This man was strapping himself to a bomb, and had “King of the Jews” on his head, and, as they were putting him up on the Cross, was going: OK, martyrdom, here we go. Bring on the pain! I can take it. I’m not joking here. The idea that the entire course of civilization for over half of the globe could have its fate changed and turned upside-down by a nutcase, for me, that’s farfetched.

CS LEWIS: I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.

North American Brats

It is pretty well known that the rich and/or very comfortable are quicker to anger than those less "fortunate". Those who have struggled or worked hard for what they have tend to be more even keeled because they don't expect the world to cater to their needs. They simply want to be able to support themselves and their families and be happy as often as possible. They don't have the need for the kind of money that gives power and stirs up the talk of jealous flatterers. They don't expect handouts from anyone else when they are perfectly capable of helping themselves. They keep their dignity intact whenever possible. Though they may struggle at times and people do help them out, they are thankful for the help and don't feel entitled to it.

What rich is for one person can mean a totally different thing to another, but the higher the pay scale the higher the agitation over the petty seems to be also. Those who aren't financially rich, but lead very comfortable lives collecting some kind of income that keeps them from having to work, very often obese, and dependent on others for their needs can also become agitated and angry when their comforts aren't to their liking. Sometimes they are worse than the rich because (unless it's old money), the rich usually do some type of work that, on occasion, may give them a sense of the real world.

At one very expensive restaurant (that I go to about once a year) I overheard some women complaining about the color of the napkins. They asked the waiter what had happened to the black napkins that used to come with their silverware. They were not happy with the white and this whining continued until the waiter was able to round up some black napkins. If this country goes through some type of crash like we saw in 1929, there will be a biblical gnashing of teeth people will have so much to be angry about. Imagine complaining about your Netflix selections being poor and then there is no electricity for 3 months. Imagine if we couldn't afford to eat out 3 or 4 times a week or if we had no cell phone service. People would literally lose their minds.

It seems that the more comfortable we get, the angrier we get when something threatens that comfort. There is an agitation that is triggered which might not be there if we hadn't become spoiled. A lot of this bratty behavior is actually because we think we deserve these things (like a spoiled child) while we ignore all of the small blessings we receive daily.

"Surely you have seen how anger increases with every increase in fortune? It shows up especially in the rich, in the noble, in high officials - anything irresponsible or foolish in their minds has a favorable breeze to raise it aloft. Prosperity fosters bad temper..." - Seneca

Instead of being surprised and subsequently upset when things aren't going the way we want them to; we should be thankful for the things that did go well and accept the fact that being upset over that which we cannot control is useless. If your job is to work the desk at an airport, you should know that every now and then you're going to have to deal with upset customers. To be aghast and so angry that you're in tears every time you have one of these customers would be ridiculous because it is expected. So, weird as it is to say, being the eternal optimist may backfire on you if you expect everything to always go your way. That's not how the world works. It's full of people that want things their way, and normally someone has to give in order for someone else to receive. If you're not expecting bad days and moments to come your way, then when they do, your inner brat will surface and make it even worse.

How to Pull the Arrow Out

Many people spend hours asking themselves all kinds of questions: “When will this end?” “Why me?” and “What have I done to deserve this?” To make use of a well-known Buddhist parable, these questions are as much use as trying to figure out the source of the arrow which blinded you: it’s just not that important. What you need to know is how to pull the arrow out. - Nikolay Perov

The Fear of Being Noticeably Nervous

I remember the moment that this fear of being noticeably nervous started. I was in a history class in junior high and we were supposed to bring in these little newspaper articles about some subject that we would read out loud in front of the class. That day I'd forgotten to bring an article and had to get one from a friend who, for some reason, had an extra. I was in a hurry because I didn't want a bad grade for forgetting the article and perhaps because I didn't want to upset the teacher. He asked questions about the article we read afterwards (from what I can remember) so maybe I knew I wouldn't have the correct answers after only reading it once. But I wasn't extremely nervous about about reading out loud in front of the class. I'd done that many, many times without it being a huge issue. After all, everyone gets a little nervous when they're in the spotlight. Anyway, I'd worked myself up and by the time I got up there my hands and voice were shaking. I didn't think anyone noticed, so I kept reading and I knew from experience that this went away after a little while, but the teacher cut me off and said that I could sit down. So he noticed!? This blew my mind. In a way it was a relief to sit down, but in a way it was way worse than if he'd just let me continue until my nerves calmed. Then I wouldn't have thought that anyone noticed that I was nervous at all and the next time it would be back to not being that big of a deal again. Bad luck, or for a reason - that day has affected me in ways I never would have thought possible. It had a snowball effect.

This was the day that I became aware that others could tell more of what I was feeling inside than I thought possible. Sure, I knew that you could tell when someone was sad, but a little nervous? From then on, the anxiety got worse. Not because of the things I once worried about while giving a speech; like knowing the material and making my points relevant to the audience. Now, I was nervous about other people noticing that I was nervous! So those jitters that usually went away would NOT go away because instead of being able to relax as you go, your mind escalates the fear into a somewhat selfish "everyone notices everything I'm doing" state that makes you feel as if you're in a life or death situation (that feeling right after a car accident).

Being that we are social beings who attract others with characteristics like strength and knowing that someone could see my nervousness or hear it in my voice made me feel weak. "If they see I'm weak then I will be rejected, picked on, and lonely," the voice inside of my head says. Even if I could beat them sparring in a karate class, or even if I was smarter than most in the room - at that moment they've got me. They see where I'm weak and my ego from any success I've had is shattered in an instant. I didn't get the reading out loud nervousness (which I've got control of now) until my freshman year in a high school Civics' class when some thug was staring at me the whole time I was reading for some reason. It was like he was waiting for me to mess up or something. He'd already made some comments before that day that had the effect he was looking for. Needless to say, the sheltered, sensitive, only child with the fragile ego finally snapped and from then on I didn't like being the center of attention at all. How we can let the actions of a few make us miserable for years when they haven't even thought about us is just a matter of how we have programmed our minds.

Like the deodorant commercial with the tag line - "Never let them see you sweat". Well, they can't see me sweat but they can hear it in my voice. On a side note - It also turned into this perfectionism, which is not possible and toxic. What a mess. Maybe I need to master the art of 'not giving a crap' again. Instead of never letting anyone see us sweat, maybe not giving a crap if they do would eliminate the stress that causes the sweating in the first place.

If the only signs of nervousness were sweating under your arms, this would be my miracle cure.

The following quote is about blushing, but can be applied to worrying about others noticing a shaky voice, hands, sweating etc. It's about stopping the internal critical script by not caring if people notice...

"The more a person does not care if he/she blushes, the more the symptom will diminish." - Jonathan Berent

Quotes on Pride and Ego

"People sometimes say their feelings are hurt. But our feelings can't be hurt! It is the ego that hurts - my sense of self, my identity. Our feelings are fine! It is my ego that hurts."

- Tim Keller, The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness

"Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next person. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about." 

- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

A Pure Freedom

One of the greatest freedoms that we can attain is to be free from worrying about the opinions of others. It's not a freedom from responsibility, a financial freedom, or a freedom from anything physical like prison. It's a mental freedom that few in this world have. No matter what your situation, it is a freedom that can still be attained. It's to truly not care what anyone thinks of you. A lot of what we fear in this life stems from this issue. On the list of fears that people have, the fear of public speaking ranks higher than death. So, though there are other things that we fear in this life, the fear of rejection from our fellow man is the biggie.

Now, there are questions that I sometimes mull over about this subject. How would society handle it if people really had this freedom? Would the crime rate skyrocket? Would marriages and other relationships fall apart? Would people stop wearing clothes and taking care of themselves? Is there a consequence in truly not caring what others think about us (whether it be good or bad) that would keep people from caring for others?

If people lost the fear of looking bad in front of others and the need for the approval, would they be less likely to donate to charity, feed the hungry, or care for the elderly and sick? This could happen to a very small extent, at least at first. Most of us do good without the need of a plaque showing how much we donated or a pat on the back from our friends, but there are some that wouldn't donate to a charity if it didn't further their popularity or influence in some way. Of course, there are some that do good and accolades are the result without them asking for it, but there are some that will talk for hours about the good they do (how they are saving the environment by driving a Prius, how they bring groceries to the needy every weekend, or how much they donated to some charity). It is much better for others to brag on you, without you ever knowing it, than for you to brag on yourself and hear the approval first-hand. You see a lot of politicians running for office making a show of their good deeds.

“Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others." - Matthew 6:2

Will people still do good without the praise of others? Of course, it happens everyday. People who help others without boasting about it find it even more satisfying, so this will continue. People who leave giant tips don't hang around to see if the waiter or waitress will thank them. They leave the restaurant feeling good for having done a random act of kindness without needing the ego boost of someone telling them how great they are. So, that means to truly not care what others think will not put a halt to the goodness that is done, but may even make it more likely due to a lack of feeling like they have to compete with others. There can be a sense of why try if you are comparing your donations and time to the likes Bill Gates and Bono. But if you're not doing it for kudos or out of competitiveness then you will still give what you can, no matter how meager. A lot of charities take advantage of our competitive nature and it works for them, at least until the next new fad or hip cause comes along.

The ice bucket challenge to help raise money for ALS is a good thing and has raised a ton of money, but there is an element of 'look at me' to it. It just depends on that individual's personal agenda. Celebrities could just as well give a few million without posting a video. If they are posting a video of themselves being doused with ice water to further the cause, that's great. If they're doing it to be on TV and don't even donate, then it's not helping anyone or anything but their image. How it helps their image I don't know - it's really not as funny as they think it is. But hey, whatever works, if you can make money for a good cause by giving celebrities a way to boost their hits on YouTube, then go for it. Use their need for approval.

Will the crime rate get worse if people truly don't care about what other people think? I would never advocate something that would cause a societal breakdown. Like I mentioned before, truly not caring about the opinions of others doesn't mean that you have to become a bad person who doesn't care about the well being of the people around them or society as a whole. Shame and embarrassment, being of the same ilk are still two different things. Being a logical person means that you still feel guilt and shame when you do something that you know is wrong. Not caring about the petty thoughts that people have of your looks or how you talk etc. doesn't mean that you will lose any moral standards that you'd set for yourself. It means that you can rationally understand that what flashes through another person's mind should have no effect on your well being.

Greatness cannot be achieved if you've pleased everyone. If even those who do evil respect you then you are doing something wrong. If you get a call from someone asking you to do a robbery with them, you wouldn't say yes so that you don't upset them. You look at the big picture and what's best for the whole. So, knowing that you can't please everyone, you don't go to England and speak with an English accent just in case they don't like Americans, you don't start gossip because someone you know at work likes to gossip etc. This is already something that we know. We aren't going to be liked and praised by all. So you do the right thing, you're kind, you forgive. You already do these things even though it's not always the popular thing to do, so how would the world go into chaos or how would crime be out of control if we stopped caring what other's think about us?

If you're a good person, not caring about what others think is a good thing, but what about the people that are just bad? The ones who only do what is right so that they don't get in trouble or only do what is admirable so that they will look good to others? These are the same people that would rob a bank if they knew they wouldn't get caught. This is the same boss that would call you every name in the book if he knew that he wouldn't lose his job over it. These are the same teenagers who join gangs to fit in. These people are kept in check by the rules and laws of society whether they care what other people think about them or not. Not caring what others think doesn't mean that we throw out law and the enforcement of it. Not caring what others think means that we can be free from these people that mean to do harm and perhaps help them to truly change. They will no longer effect our moods like they once did so we will be able to see the weakness in their actions like never before.

We would also be more likely to stand up against these bullies. So many join the oppressors of the world because they are simply pick the side with the most people, the side that will make sure their job is secure, or where they feel the most accepted. If people stopped feeling the need to fit in, they would be more likely to fight for what is right even if it's much "cooler" to be on the wrong side. If people truly stopped caring what others think about them, how many would be less likely to drink and drive, join a cult, pick fights because someone hurt their pride? When you can truly think for yourself, you will find that people will be attracted to this quality of being independent from the opinions and talk of others and they will join you. You don't even have to return evil for evil, just the fact that you did what was right without caring what others thought makes you different, a potential leader, and even more approachable. Losing the fear of not fitting in would most likely lower the crime rate.

If people truly stopped caring what others thought of them would they be more or less likely to do things that are just plain dumb, but not illegal? This is the trickiest one because we are going back to character here, but without the bigger consequences like imprisonment. For instance, to truly not care what anyone thinks would you be more or less likely to cheat on your spouse? For some, maybe this would happen, but given the opportunity they would have done so with or without the fear of other people's opinions. If you care about your spouse you will be less likely to cheat, no matter how tempting it may be. Like I said earlier, feeling shame and guilt for doing something wrong isn't the same thing as caring about what other people think about you as a person. To not be swayed by the thoughts of others might even make you less likely to cheat because you will not feel trapped in your relationship or be told by someone that you can do better and believe it without question. You won't be made to feel "special" by the potential man or woman that is trying to pull you out of your marriage because you are secure in yourself and what your principles are. To be made to feel "special" can be used to make you do a lot of things that you know you shouldn't do. This is why it's important to not be moved by good or bad opinions.

The real question is, how much do you care for other people? This is not the same thing as not caring what their opinion of you is. You can still care for other people without caring what people think of you? We all want our kids to respect us, but sometimes we have to be the bad guy in order to protect them. Being popular is not the priority if you want what's best for your children and most parents know this. In the end, most children respect good parents, even if it takes years. However, how much respect will they have for the parents that wanted their approval when they were young and by doing so let them make horrible decisions in their youth?

A lot of how we care about people comes from our ability to set a good example. If you care for your kids, you won't dance on a table in a restaurant while everyone looks on in horror. To restrain yourself from doing this doesn't mean you are repressed by the societal norm or that you are too worried about what other people think - it means that you are not a psychopath. To have no impulse control isn't the same as the mental capacity of not being afraid of people's thoughts and what they might say about us.

We learn that it's not okay to do whatever we feel like doing by the age of three or four. Sometimes a teacher or parent may go too far and we wind end feeling stupid for simply dropping our spoon, but as far as just doing what is unacceptable in the culture that you live in - whether it's legal or not, we do these things to keep the peace and to treat others how we would like to be treated. So, if your in some strange restaurant that encourages people to dance on the table, go for it if you feel inclined but it doesn't mean that you have reached some new level of consciousness where you're unable to feel embarrassment. If the consequence is that your family is embarrassed by your actions, and these actions were out of line, then you're in the wrong. If they are embarrassed by your actions, but these actions were something that was right (like sticking up for someone you see being bullied) let them be embarrassed.

"How are we constituted by Nature? To be free, to be noble, to be modest (for what other living thing is capable of blushing, or of feeling the impression of shame?)" - Epictetus

You still do what is right and care for other people (not on behalf of receiving praise, because sometimes you will be berated for doing so, but for the responsibility you have to yourself and others). You do what is right because you have the gift of being able to step back and truly be free to choose what the best course of action is without the negative signals or prodding from others. If blaring "The Imperial March" every time your boss walks into the room will get you fired, doing what's best for yourself and your family would probably be not to blare it, no matter how fun it would be. Not caring what other's think doesn't mean that you stop caring for other people or disregard what God expects you to do while you're here. Is there a selfishness to not caring about the opinions of others? No. It's more of a selflessness. It means you're not thinking about yourself all of the time. When you can let go of people's opinions, gossip and the fear of backlash, then you can truly make a difference in the world.

Will it piss some people off that you don't care what they think and that they can no longer control you? Yes, most likely it will piss some people off, but what do you care? The people that care about you for who you are will be there regardless. This doesn't mean you don't have to show up for work or pay your taxes. It means that you're not going to be a follower and go out to a bar every night with co-workers because that's what they do. It means you don't change the way you talk depending on the group you are with at the time. It means that you can read your Bible at a Starbucks without fearing that people will think you're self-righteous. It means that people can't control who you are and what you're goals are. It means they can't make you feel dumb when you ask a question, they can't make you fear their rejection, and they can't get away with talking down to you like they used to because they can tell in your tone that it's no longer effective.

Stoicism and Christianity

"If thy faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small." - Proverbs 24:10

There is a question that has been asked more and more lately with the rise in popularity of Stoic Philosophy - Can you be both a Stoic and a Christian? To me, with my limited knowledge of Stoicism, this seems quite possible. Avoiding a label that may be considered contradictory, I consider myself to be Christian with a great interest in Stoicism and I do see how it can help us become more ethical, thoughtful, and less emotionally led people. It's a philosophy which invites the student to face their problems head on, which I've rarely done up to this point in my life. Stoic Philosophy is simple, yet intriguing and complex all at once - quite similar to the Bible and the writings of the Apostle Paul.

My first introduction into Stoicism was an article written by Ryan Holiday, which made me want to learn more. Shortly after, I read his book "The Obstacle Is the Way," a book that I can highly recommend. This made me want to delve further into Stoicism and read the Stoics themselves. I watched some videos on Stoicism that were posted on YouTube and felt I was being led down the right path after watching a Ted Talk by Jules Evans entitled "How Philosophy Can Save Your Life."  It dealt with mental disorders like social anxiety and showed me how philosophy has benefited those with similar experiences to my own.

I can't say that I'm a card-carrying Stoic yet. The label probably wouldn't fit, considering I've only read Aurelius and some Epictetus, without much practice in the real world. If you look at Stoicism as a philosophy of growth, and not the be-all, end-all to the inner workings of the human condition, then I think there is a lot that can be learned by studying these philosophers.

Going back to the original question - this podcast from the Painted Porch is a good place to start on the subject of Christianity and Stoicism. Pastor Michael Jones, who considers himself a Stoic, talks about some of the teachings that Christians have to be somewhat careful of. He discusses how Stoicism has the inclination of only teaching a person to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps," while the Christian lives life under the power of God, not just by our power alone.

I agree with the Pastor that it's hard to believe that Paul wasn't influenced by the Stoics in some way when you read the New Testament. One of the reasons that this blog has the title "The Stoic's Helmet" is because of a link between Stoicism and Christianity that I'd found on my own. Paul talks of putting on the armor of God - the helmet and the sword being the word of God...

"Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." - Ephesians 6:17

If God has created us to be creative, surely there is some of His influence in the writings of the Stoics. I may be way off base here, but maybe Stoicism was meant to influence Paul, who wrote most of the New Testament; a series of letters to the Church which still defines Christianity as we now know it.

Pastor Jones also says that, "Christians don't stand before God on our own merits but on the merits of Christ. The self-reliance of Stoicism can be a danger." I think that this is true, we have to be a bit more discerning as Christians who study the Stoics.

All in all, after listening to the podcast I would consider it just as possible for a Christian to be a Stoic as it is for an atheist to be a Stoic, considering that most of the Stoics were neither, being raised Pagan. Stoic Philosophy and Christianity both have a beauty that I find accessible and enlightening. No matter how the world changes around us, we're still the same contemplative beings, with our own difficulties and questions, that lived and died 2000 years ago.

Trying to Prove Something and the Need to Impress

"I try to keep in my mind the simple question: Am I trying to do good or make myself look good? Too many of our responsibilities get added to our plate when we are trying to please people, impress people, prove ourselves, acquire power, increase our prestige. All those motivations are about looking good more than doing good." - Kevin De Young 

I have had a problem with feeling that I have something to prove and a need to impress. When I have these feelings I need to remember that I'm coming from a place where I'm worried about what others think about me. If I wasn't worried about other's opinions then I wouldn't have anything to prove. I would just do the best I could do at what I was passionate about doing and let the work speak for itself; regardless of my need for compliments. Who am I trying to impress and why? Even if I do impress them, what difference does it make if I'm not happy? If I impress someone with the amount of money that I can make, but I'm miserable while I'm making the money, then the only benefit that I received was financial security. Having money can be a good thing, but not if I'm still miserable after I've made it. Who knows if the money's going to last?  There is nothing for sure, not even life itself. Few are satisfied with their finances, no matter how enviable it may seem to others. Enough is rarely enough.

Who are you trying to impress? Is it your parents, your wife, your kids, your friends, your co-workers? When you think about it, isn't it strange that no matter what age you are, you want to show off your new toys to a parent? Whether it's a car, a new iPad, or a movie that you think they should watch - we always want to see there reaction. If your dad is a redneck and he thinks it's funny you bought a Civic, or if your dad is an environmentalist and he's upset that you bought a Ford F250, should you care at 35 years old? Not really, but most of us still do. Parents are just one example, we get pulled in all directions by the opinions of others.

Speaking for myself, I can see a lot of times in my life where I'd made decisions based on the opinions of what others thought was best for me instead of what I thought was best. Sometimes, they saw something in me that maybe I didn't see and it worked out for the best. For instance, maybe your wife doesn't see you owning a landscaping company because you can't stand to mow the lawn at your own house. She's not taking your "dream" from you, but just trying to steer you clear of some misery further down the road. This is a good thing, but there are a lot of decisions that were clearly from the mind of someone else, that if I'd done what my gut told me instead of trying to please or impress, I'd probably be on a much better path.

There were jobs that I stayed at too long and should have quit sooner, jobs that I didn't take, or stay at long enough. There were things that I should have said that I didn't, and things that I shouldn't have said that I did.  I've made a lot of decisions because someone told me it was something I needed to do or not do, even when it went against my best interest. There were times when I should have been exercising and eating right that I didn't because someone had better plans for my day. I'm sure there are a lot of regrettable tattoos from trying to impress someone else also.

When I'm trying to impress or prove something I also find that, not only am I more susceptible to what other people think I should be doing, but that I also have much thinner skin. When I'm trying to prove myself, everything that is said about how I should have done something I take as an insult. Maybe they're joking or making a suggestion, but it feels like they are attacking my worth as a human being. Being defensive and letting myself get upset about these things only shows them how thin skinned that I am and that I am even more malleable than expected. When we lack the ability to maintain an even keel, we show others that if they want something, all they have to do is make us feel good with flattery or make us feel bad with guilt or self-loathing. These are also the typical tricks of a pushy salesman.

Don't hand over the control of your emotions to whatever comes out of other people's mouths. If you do and they are the type to take advantage, then you're in for a long ride. They will learn that when they need you to say 'yes' to something that you would like to say 'no' to, you are swayed with an eager to impress, fear of rejection, or a dread of upsetting others.

Not to say that we should be selfish with our time, just reasonable. If you are working on something less important and your boss needs a report or answer to an email that could cost the company money, by all means, we should drop what we are doing and handle it. That's part of having a job. If you think you shouldn't have to answer to anyone then you should find a way to work for yourself. In the meantime, it wouldn't make sense to keep working on the project that isn't due until the end of the year just because you're not in the mood to answer an email, unless you don't care about job security at all.

Now, if you are already working on three different things that's due within the hour and something else is dumped on you while a co-worker has nothing to do, you might want to suggest some delegation. This happens sometimes when management sees that you're a hard worker. They can take advantage of those who do good work, sometimes unconsciously, because you get the job done faster and get it done right. It can be frustrating because it give people that aren't good workers a lot of leeway and less responsibility, sometimes for the same pay. In some cases, it's because the other worker gives them flack every time they are asked to do something so they always come to you first, instead of making waves and insisting that the lazier co-worker do their job. It's similar to the saying "the squeaky wheel gets the oil," but in this case, it's more like the "squeaky wheel gets less work." In situations like this, you have to notice where the work isn't balanced and speak up. Killing yourself to prove your worth or to prove that others aren't as good as you will eventually lead to burn out. Believe me, I've been there. It's like spinning plates. You can only keep it up for so long.

So, the next time someone has a different opinion of me, a better way of doing something, or some comment on what my next step should be - I'm going to try to listen without a quick answer, think if there is something productive there, and then consider what would best for me to reach my goals without burning out before I do. Better yet, some prayer would be helpful in these situations. Sometimes the "I did it my way," steps that we take are not the best. People can have some pretty crazy needs and we can see this with the divorce rate and ridiculous spending to the point of bankruptcy on cars and houses that we can't afford, but think we deserve. God's plan is even better than the one you have for yourself. 

There are a lot of people in this country who only stop when they are asleep. Is this the life that they really wanted to live, the life that they would've chosen for themselves? When they were kids did they ever think that they would so value the opinion of someone that has "authority" over them and value money so much that they would sell their souls? I doubt that many of us fantasized about being worked to the bone, retire with a modest amount of money, and die in a nursing home. All that work, but in 50 years few will know you even existed? Why live by the opinions of what others think you should do if that's the final outcome? It happens everyday, work at a job you hate, retire, and die without even trying to pursue something you were passionate about. My dad always wanted to be a history teacher and a cartoonist. It never happened because he found a good paying job that he became stuck in. He didn't enjoy his job, but they paid just well enough that it kept him from pursuing his real passions. He got his degree to teach history, and the company he was with just paid him a little more to keep him there. I can't say that I wouldn't do the same thing. We never wanted for anything, but I'm sure there are a lot of "what ifs?" floating around in his head. He was very gifted artistically. He might have made more money in the long run doing that? He's passionate about history. Maybe he could have written something? Better to have tried and failed than to regret not trying. Not to say he's a miserable person, but I'm sure the way things turned out wasn't his dream.

There are people out there that love their jobs. It's not something that is beyond reach. Yes, society needs garbage men and janitors, but it needs garbage men and janitors that enjoy what they do. If you're doing something that is making you miserable because that is what is expected by the other people in your little world, then you will be on your deathbed looking back at a lot of meaningless and wasted time.

There are going to be people in all walks of life that are going to be competitive with you. If you're the new guy with a company, there will be those that will want to see you succeed and there will be those that want to see you fail. The ones that want to see you fail are usually not having these thoughts because they don't like you, it's usually because they're simply selfish and want to be at the top of the ladder. If they see you succeed, you are an obstacle in their way. If it works out that you are doing something better than they can, or you're working harder than they do, then they will find ways to throw you under the bus when something goes wrong or try to get others to think negatively of you. This selfishness will usually come back to bite them, but in the off-chance that it doesn't these are the kind of people at the top of the ladder that when they are finally fired, everyone goes out for drinks and has a good laugh. Dealing with these types can be difficult, but if we stoop to their level we're no better than they are. I know it's very tempting, but we have to try to stay out of the office politics and gossip as much as possible. People notice this. If they don't like trait you have, they're trouble. If they appreciate it, then you've gained respect. Either way, it doesn't matter what others think - staying out of these petty conflicts and backstabbing will make you happier and less stressed in the long run.

The constant need for approval, trying to impress, and worrying about what others think of you is a mental prison that can make you feel like you are in a physical one. Sometimes we think of worse case scenarios and it usually does involve some type of rejection. It's a hard habit to break. When you surrender to being yourself regardless and let the chips fall where they may you'll notice your fear of what people think is diminished. Each day that we spend being miserable with our circumstances, there is someone else out there, who with a lot of prayer and thought, has come to a place in their lives where they are exactly where they're supposed to be. They get up every morning and it feels like a Saturday. This is hard for me to imagine right now, but to know that it is possible triggers thoughts that take me out of my mental prison and makes me want to be braver, more apt to take chances towards a goal, and more reliant on the fact that God has a plan that always works out for the best, no matter what it seems like right now or what roadblocks I may face in the future.

More Pride than Superman

"To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge."

Benjamin Disraeli

I think that a little bit of the ranting from the last post has to do with what I'm seeing in our culture more and more lately, but also something that is pointless to be upset about. There are some little nuggets of humor and truth there that keeps me from deleting the post, but when I step back and read it impartially there are some obvious errors in this type of 'woe is me' thinking. There is some pride there - to think that if I were in another situation that I would not act like those I condemn is presumptuous.

The reason that it is pointless to become angry about the actions of others is because there is a reason for everything. Everyone, no matter how untouchable they seem, will be knocked off of their pedestal some day. When you are in the moment of being bullied or taken advantage of, it seems pointless and degrading but there is a reason for it, no matter how incomprehensible it seems. Sometimes I can have a sourness and be upset about the journey, but it really isn't healthy. We feel like we deserve better and don't have the patience to grow into who we are meant to be. It's a quick fix, almost decadent way of thinking, that our brains have adapted to in this new culture. We expect what may come easily for others to come easily for us also.

The problem is, there will always be someone more successful, better looking, luckier, and wealthier. Does this mean that they are living a better life? Not necessarily. Sometimes, people who have lives where everything comes easy to them aren't happy people at all. These are the people that will one day face some tragedy in their lives, as we all do, but not have the collected skills to cope. When I see someone who is rich and think about how great their lives must be, I try to keep in mind this quote by Roger Corless - "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."

Maybe, instead of complaining about the mental and physical shortcomings we may have at the moment, we should see them as opportunities. Opportunities to not only grow and prove the naysayers wrong, but also opportunities to learn valuable lessons that can help others. It is my pride that keeps me from growing. When you're full of pride, you don't learn as fast because you think you already know it all, and even if you know that you don't know it all, you certainly don't want someone else to tell you that. Instead of taking what a person is telling us as something that we can find some value in, we take it as a slight against our intelligence or work ethic even if this wasn't their intention.

I know that Man of Steel isn't the most popular of the films in the Superman franchise, but after watching it a few times, I've really gotten into the philosophy, theology and psychology of the film. It's not incredibly deep, but there is a story there that never gets old. It's the hero's journey, the powerless becoming the powerful. Not through their pride and a 'I'm going to show them'  - vengeful attitude, but through a humility that is kept in check and a selflessness that exceeds the norm.

There were some obvious references to Jesus in this film and people still find this intriguing and admirable two-thousand years later. Clark Kent is a fish out of water on this planet, raised by parents who are trying to cope with his uniqueness and trying their best to raise a boy who will someday be the most important man on the earth. Both of their births are unnatural to the planets they are born on. Clark is bullied throughout his childhood, but restrains from violence. He saves people, never to show off his power, but only because he thinks it's the right thing to do. When others notice these flashes of extraordinary abilities in his childhood, they don't know what to think of him. Jesus preaches at a young age and draws a crowd because of his supernatural knowledge.

Clark works blue collar jobs. Jesus was a carpenter. Clark finds a vessel in the snow where he can talk to his real father from Krypton, Jor-El. Jesus would go away to pray to his real Father in Heaven. Clark's father tells him the path that he his to take, which is to save mankind from General Zod who wants to set up a new kingdom on Earth. Jesus is to save mankind from Satan who would like to reign over Earth. While Clark is talking with a priest in a church, you see in the background, on a stained glass window, Jesus kneeling in the Garden of Gethsemane with what looks like a red cap across his back. In the garden, Jesus is struggling with the mission that he knows will separate him for the first time in his life from his father. He knows that he will soon be arrested. Clark is struggling with taking the leap of faith of helping mankind himself. Debating whether or not to turn himself in and let them hand him over to Zod.

Clark lets the soldiers handcuff him. It's symbolic because he could easily break free from them at anytime. Jesus lets them arrest, beat, and crucify him although he could save himself at anytime. Clark's father dies before seeing his son become the man he was meant to be and his mother is the only parent there to see his struggles and redemption. It is believed that Joseph died young also, because Mary is the only parent at the cross and at the empty tomb.

At the time of his arrest Clark says that he is 33 years old. Jesus was arrested and crucified at 33 years old. On Zod's ship Superman is reduced to a normal man, with normal powers. On the cross, Jesus is taking on the sin of the world and feels that his Father has forsaken him. When Superman breaks free from Zod and his father Jor-El tells him that he can save mankind; he leaves the ship in the same position that Jesus is in when he's on the cross saving mankind.

Superman saves soldiers that were trying to kill him earlier, because he knows that they were doing so out of fear, by orders, and out of ignorance. Jesus, while on the cross, ask forgiveness for his persecutors saying "they know not what they do." Jesus reattaches the ear of a soldier that arrested him when Peter was trying to keep them away with a sword.

Superman defeats Zod before he can make the Earth what he wants it to be, and Jesus rises from the dead putting an end to Satan's grip on the Earth. All of the fictional suffering of Superman and the real suffering of Jesus wasn't in vain.  If we think we are better than others, or that we have it all figured out then we are more prideful than Superman, and we're not following the teachings of Jesus. If we are prideful we will not win in the end.

But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. - Luke 22:26

The most humble will be the greatest. The most prideful will be the least. Being humble isn't an excuse to fear man. Being humble does the opposite actually. If you are not full of yourself, then there is no pride for someone to prick or destroy. The humble are seen in high regard by people because of their restraint and strength. Their ability to do what is right no matter what the circumstance is admired. As humans, this comes and goes, but the longer you can remain humble the better. That is why the comments and thoughts of others about us shouldn't emotionally effect us like they do; whether they are good or bad. The good, uplifting comments shouldn't make us proud and boastful because soon their will be someone to take us down a notch. The negative comments and thoughts of others shouldn't emotionally cripple us because they don't make us who we are. They are only passing thoughts in another person's head.

You are not your mistakes. You are not your sins. The opinions of others shouldn't be able to dictate our emotional well being and the actions we take. If Jesus or Superman lost faith in humanity because of the cruelty that it showed towards them, they wouldn't have selflessly saved it - they would have vengeance on it. Doing what is right and doing what we feel are two different things.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. One's pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor. Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. - Book of Proverbs

"It takes pride to be anxious - I am not wise enough to know how my life should go."- Tim Keller

When the World Gives Up on You

Where does strength come from when the world has given up on you? Does it come from within, a higher power, that one friend or family member that hasn't given up on you? Sometimes it's from all of the above working together, but sometimes, at your darkest hour, it's just you and God. You can have the support of family and friends all day after a loved one dies, but after the funeral is done and you are lying in bed, your spouse asleep beside you, it's still only you and your thoughts, and we all have that moment of 'hopefully God knows what I'm feeling, because apparently no one else has a clue.'

We all worship something - whether it's money, the opinions of others, the opposite sex, God, your talent, entertainment, exercise...the list goes on. But until you realize that worshiping earthly things and thinking about things in a horizontal way leads us down the same paths over and over, it's hard to move forward. If we don't see that there is a higher power, something bigger than all of this, most find they are stuck in a rut. Call it a crutch, but if this is it - the world is crap for a lot of people, for no reason at all, and with no redemption in sight.

When things are looking bleak for us we soon realize people have their own lives to live and problems to deal with. They sometimes no longer have the energy to give 3rd and 4th chances to us. You will notice after you've spent some time just conversing with God in these hours of darkness - a true 'this is who I am - what is going on?' back and forth, that sooner or later He brings helpful and, often, life-saving people into your life when you are ready for them. He might also remove those from your life that aren't good for you, at least temporarily. When you really quiet yourself and contemplate this, you'll see the miraculous in things and realize that coincidence, in no way, can account for what is happening when we are slowly being set back on our feet.

The actor Robert Downey Jr. has never claimed to be Christian, but did say that Catholicism saved his butt in jail a few times. If anyone has gone from the top to the bottom, and then back to the top (all while in the public eye) it's Robert Downey Jr. It seems that there are a lot of different ideas of what religion and God mean to Downey, depending on which article you read, but when you hit rock bottom you do realize that people and money are not the answer to all of your problems. There is something spiritual, something bigger. So while I'm on a different trajectory theologically than Downey (myself being Christian) I do see how outlooks change when a person goes from 'this is all there is' to 'there is something bigger out there that has actually saved my life'.

Robert Downey Jr. is one of the most prolific actors of our time. If you kept up with his career in the late nineties you would have thought that his days as a mainstream actor would be over. From 1996 through 2001 it was arrest after arrest for drug related charges. Just when you thought he was done with drugs for good, he would be in trouble for the same issue months later. In 1999 he told a judge, "It's like I have a shotgun in my mouth with my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of gun metal." In other words, he knew his addiction was killing him, but he liked it too much to stop.

Downey mentioned, at one time, that he was introduced to drugs by his father at eight years old. Most of us grow up knowing what normal behavior is because of our parents, we then adapt to fit that normal. If their normal isn't what is acceptable by the rest of society we usually don't realize this until our teenage years, and what a time that can be to learn this. In order to 'fit in' with other teenagers we then have to adapt to a new normal. To make it more complicated, we are also looking for something to rebel against at this age, but how do you rebel against the family group who sees almost everything as acceptable. Your perceptions of right and wrong, good and bad, can become very skewed. This leads the rebellious teenager to go further than most would in order to experience the same rebellious testing that a normal teenager would.

On Oprah in 2004 he said of his struggle with addiction, "You can reach out for help in kind of a half-assed way and you'll get it and you won't take advantage of it. It's not that difficult to overcome these seemingly ghastly problems...what's hard is to decide to do it." There came a point where he couldn't play the game anymore. He grew up learning a craft which taught him how to be good at 'playing pretend' or essentially lying. Acting was something that gave him a lot of acclaim and accolades, but perhaps why he was able to get away with his harmful addictions for so long. It's one thing when your spouse or child comes home drunk, they tell you they aren't, but you can see right through it. But what about the spouse, child or friend that is on par with the likes of a Pacino or Brando. By the time he finishes his story you will likely be helping him get in the shower because of the pepper spray that got on him after some armed guy tried to mug him. He tells you his girlfriend sprayed the mugger, but he got some in his eyes during the struggle - and "yes, of course I'm acting strange, I was almost just killed." Needless to say, not only was addiction an issue in Downey's life, but his acting and fame probably only helped to perpetuate it.

With his past hanging over him like a cloud, there were some independent films through the late nineties and the Elton John video in 2001. He was even nominated for an Emmy after joining the cast of Ally McBeal, but it still wasn't the "larger than life/brat pack" RDJ that the world had known before. Mel Gibson gave Downey his first lead role in a film after his last stint in jail. The movie didn't do well financially but it did get Downey back to a job that he loved doing. Gibson was one of the few in Hollywood that defended Downey regularly and when Gibson started going through his own issues, Downey was quick to return the favor...

His real comeback started in 2008 with two blockbusters that put him back on the map - Tropic Thunder and Iron Man.  The quick witted yet astonishingly subtle genius of Downey came out with a vengeance in both films. Both broke box office records in their own genres and Downey was nominated for Best Supporting Actor by the Academy for his role in Tropic Thunder. Coincidence or not, a lot of this success came on the heels of his marriage to film producer Susan Levin. Like I said, some people come into our lives exactly when they are supposed to. The plan is laid out but we are so wrapped up in the troubles of today we can't see it. 

"There's no understanding for me of the bigger picture in real time in a hands-on way without her. Because it was the perfect, perfect, perfect matching of personalities and gifts."

How do you go from having the police called on you because you were so high you fell asleep in a stranger's house to sitting front and center at the Academy Awards? It's bursting through barriers that the world has set out for you (which are really just mirages), realizing you aren't the center of the universe, letting go of the past, and learning how to be a man.  

If you watch interviews before and after his struggles you will see the transition from boy to man. Some of us have to grow up early, some of us much later, but you are thankful when it happens. It's usually only through struggle that we do learn what it is to be a man. Better to have struggled and come out stronger than to have never struggled and die like a teenager listening to Morrissey and playing Call of Duty, all the while saying woe is me as you slip into a fast food induced diabetic coma. 

Being a man means you own up to your mistakes and wring every drop of wisdom you can get out of the experience. It means you go to work and do that job to the best of your ability in order to support your family. It also means you are there, no longer the guy who's always on to the next adventure, wanting to be in the spotlight. Your ego shrinks and your influence grows. When you become a man, you start to think of others more and being a husband and father gives you the opportunity for that. When you are a boy, you may mistakes, like leaving your wife and kids because of weakness or selfishness, but as a man you face things head on and you keep your promises. 

This past June - Downey's son Indio was arrested for felony cocaine possession. Instead of blaming society or the other people in the car with his son, like a lot of us do in this day and age, Downey said, "Unfortunately there's a genetic component to addiction and Indio has likely inherited it. Also, there is a lot of family support and understanding, and we're all determined to rally behind him and help him become the man he's capable of being. We're grateful to the Sheriff's department for their intervention, and believe Indio can be another recovery success story instead of a cautionary tale."

So, where does that strength come from when the world has given up on you? They've counted you out and you, yourself don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Think about the years of being the butt of jokes and all of the people that counted him out the next time you see Robert Downey Jr. on a billboard in Times Square. When you see a large, beautifully crafted church that worships a man who said, "Don't take the best seat, but rather the least" - think about how this man was counted out to the point where they murdered him at 33 years old. When you see any man who's come from the pits and mire and has reclaimed his life in such a way that it is an inspiration to others, you should know that anything is possible. Look at King David. He's held up as this great king, but he wasn't perfect. He saw a woman that he wanted and sent her husband to the front lines to be killed so he could have her. How many of you have committed murder? So, if God can change David's heart and make a murderer great again, why not you? He decides who will be great and respected in this life for many different reasons. We won't all be famous actors, rich, or certainly not any type of king, but there are these little windows into 'the plan' that you can see, even in your darkest hour, if you only search for it. 

When you are invited by anyone to a marriage feast, don’t sit in the best seat, since perhaps someone more honorable than you might be invited by him, and he who invited both of you would come and tell you, ‘Make room for this person.’ Then you would begin, with shame, to take the lowest place. But when you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place, so that when he who invited you comes, he may tell you, ‘Friend, move up higher.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at the table with you. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."   Luke 14:7-11