It's Just You and Me

Let's just say it's been a rough couple of months (which I will take the time to write about at a later date). I head out of town tomorrow (flying to Minneapolis) to start training with my new job. Found out today I'll be sharing a hotel room with someone I've never met and needless to say I'm not too thrilled about this at all. If you've read any other post you'll know that this caused my social anxiety to flare up (like I wasn't already anxious about the whole thing already). Today has just been a lovely day of worrying about all of the possibilities. I think things like this happen to me because God is trying to draw me closer. I really do. It really does make me start talking to him. Of course, it always starts out in the way David talked to him in Psalms - "Why me? Why do you hate me?!"

I've already told God that if this is the way it's going to be then he is going to be hearing a lot from me. This journey - it's just you and me God. Like I've posted before. When it is all said and done, as much as someone or some group of people my care about and love you, there is only so much they can understand about your situation. While you are still up crying and praying they eventually fall asleep. Of course, the same is true the other way around also. So essentially, it always boils down to you and God. Anyway, I know that this isn't being read by anyone besides spammers, so spammers wish me luck. And to those of you who might be reading this 50 years from now for some reason (after the sweet release of death has taken me) - I hope that they have invented a magic pill that eliminates this social anxiety crap, completely without any side effects. I'm currently taking Buspirone. There aren't really any bad side effects but I sure do miss that feeling of relaxation that I would sometimes get from Xanax. I can't tell if this drug is working at all.

Putting Things Into Perspective

Not to be morbid here, but there is a way of thinking can actually help you separate the bull from the important while you're here for this short time on earth. It's meditating on the fact that you and everyone you know will die - most within the next 60 years.

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking that you have something to lose. You are already naked. There's no reason not to follow your heart." - Steve Jobs


Deep down none of us wants death. We might even say we wish we were dead at times but if God said "Okay," and we felt a horrible sharp pain in our chest most of us would probably change our minds pretty quickly. Of course, we all want to die in our sleep without feeling any pain when that unavoidable time comes. None of us wants to be slowly crushed by a car or stabbed 50 times in the ass until we bleed out. But, even if we avoid dwelling on that moment of death (which is probably healthy) there is no denying that this life that you are now living as you read these words is going to end.

This usually brings up the cliches like - "Life is short. Don't waste it. Live to the fullest," bull but even those of us on this planet that are living in utter poverty, not knowing where our next meal is coming from and sometimes in abusive situations are still clinging to life. They aren't living life to the fullest but they still aren't ready to die. Is it because we don't have the courage to take our own life or is it because no matter how pessimistic we may seem, something inside of us is telling us that something can change, something good can happen, and we don't want to miss out on that no matter how far fetched of a miracle it may seem? After all, miracles do happen everyday so why couldn't one happen to us? Besides, it would be selfish to put others in a state of misery because we've decided to check out early wouldn't it?

Five to one, baby
One in five
No one here gets out alive, now
You get yours, baby
I'll get mine
Gonna make it, baby
If we try.

Jim Morrison 


Life is hard. There are very few people on this earth that don't deal with strife. No matter how much money they have, who they are married to, how well behaved their kids are etc., none of us escapes this life without pain, and of course none of us gets out alive. So, instead of saying enjoy every moment (because that's an impossibility) I will instead say that when we do face troubles we should contemplate both the fact that nothing is permanent, you aren't the first and you won't be the last to have these feelings, and finally that the simple fact that you could die tomorrow makes that issue you have going on at work or the anxiety your having over speaking in front of a group seem petty and/or a waste of your energy.

The ancient world, and the Renaissance, had a good method of dealing with anxiety, which I find still works – the memento mori, or reminder of Death. Ancient philosophers, particularly the Stoics, would train themselves to consider Death , to consider how everything around them would turn to dust, how they themselves would soon be eaten by the worms, and forgotten by everyone on earth. - Jules Evans

In the Christian tradition there is also the concept of death of the body not being such a bad thing. When reading Paul's writings you can clearly see that he accepts the fact that he is still on the earth for a reason but he's more than ready to go "home" when God sees fit because there is no END even if it seems so to us at the present. There is only being absent from the body.

We are confident, I say, and owilling rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. - 2 Corinthians 5:8

12 Public Speaking Tips to Become Sturdy Minded

I've done some public speaking recently (twice in two days), which may be a surprise to anyone who's read some of my bleaker posts about this subject in the past. I'm not saying that this is something easy to get over (by no means) or that I'm completely at ease yet myself, but I thought I'd post a few things that have helped me out over the last few days and have made me much more comfortable. It's strange, but right now I'm feeling like I want more practice with it - which is a long way from the days where I would dread the experience from the moment I found out that it was coming until the moment the I was in front of a group.

The more comfortable I get with myself in front of a group, the more I feel as if a weight that I've been carrying half of my life is finally being lifted off of me. I even smiled a few times behind that podium because "It's been a long time coming." How ridiculous that I've let this hinder me for so long. I know that I have a long way to go, but taking these steps of doing and not avoiding (like I used to) has been good for me. I can already tell that the more I do this, the less of a 'big deal' my mind will make out of it. To show you how small I'm starting and how far I have to go - I haven't spoken in front of more than 15 people yet and my comfort level somewhat depends on who is in my small audience. If I know there's a rude or judgmental person there, I'm a little more anxious (which is something I've got to get past). Why let one or two people ruin progress? I've noticed from watching any public speaking, that there are people in the audience that will be judgmental no matter who is up in front of them. These are usually the people that would hate to be up there themselves.

Below is what has helped me and I didn't learn all of this on my own so I'm going to give credit where credit is due...

1. If possible, start speaking in front of 10 to 15 people. Where it's work related you can start by just reading and going over the facts without getting too much into personal stories etc. As you get comfortable that will come later.

2. I know this goes against what all of the public speaking "experts" teach but don't be afraid to make a joke out of your nervousness. The "experts" say you don't want to draw attention to it but if you think they will notice anyway, take the pressure off yourself by being real. They will usually laugh at this if it's done in a certain way. There is usually no reason,while public speaking, to make everything so serious. The more self-effacing and friendly you are, the more likely you'll get warm feelings back towards you. If someone in the audience is jerky enough to take advantage of that; you have the podium (so to speak), so you can shut them down (if even sarcastically).

3. Remember half of your audience isn't listening to you and the other half just hopes you don't call on them.

4. Smile - Smiling changes the brain. When you grin (even a small sly grin) it eases the tension. At least it has been working for me. You don't have to stand up there grinning like the Cheshire cat but every now and then helps the brain snap into a better mood and sense of well-being.

5 Breathing - this has been a biggie for me. I did not realize how much effective breathing can ease the tensions in my body. Here are the breathing videos I recommend (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched at one point)...



6. Realize that some things just can't be fixed with your head. Whether you're reading book after book on the subject but never putting it into practice, or you're backstage trying to think about how special you are because you read it in one of those books - there are some things you can't think yourself out of. Sometimes the best way to fix your head is to get out of your head - see  the videos below for better explanations (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched)...



7. If needed, get with your doctor or psychiatrist about prescriptions that will help with the nerves while you practice and get better at public speaking. If permitted by a physician, perhaps you can taper down the amount taken as you get more comfortable being in front of an audience - up to the point where you no longer find the medication necessary because your brain has rewired itself to see public speaking as something that isn't life threatening or as big of a deal as you once made it. The typical medications a doctor might prescribe would be Xanax or beta-blockers. Of course, it'd be great not to have to use them at all but it depends on how extreme the fear is. If it's to the point where you'd rather drive off into the distance, lose your job, and leave your family behind because your company wants you to give 20 minute speech, then perhaps your psychiatrist can give you something to help you get over that hump. While feeling the fear isn't a bad thing, there's no reason you have to suffer more than the average person does before they do public speaking. Even pets are given sedatives during thunderstorms.

8. When you can, use a podium. I love podiums. You can sort your paperwork out on them, hide those shaky hands you usually get at first. Lean on it for a rest when you want (but they will think you're doing it for effect). Use one when possible. Politicians have it made, besides debates they have a podium and teleprompters to read off of.

9. Don't over-prep. Over-preparing can make you more nervous (it does me). Have some bullet points you'd like to hit and go from there. You don't have to memorize a speech or practice it over and over. That's overkill and it makes being in front of other people as different than other parts of your life. Do you have to practice what you're going to say to your buddy or family members over and over before you talk to them? I know you want to be a little more prepared when you have a message that has to be relayed to a group of people but I'm done with over-prepping and the 'practicing in the mirror' bit.

10. Remember it's not about you, the world doesn't revolve around you. They don't care as much as you think they do. You're actually up there just having a conversation with fellow human beings.

11. Change your Diet for the better - I will get more into this later but I've cut way back on dairy and carbs and I'm feeling a lot calmer. Also, the better shape you're in, the better you'll probably feel in front of a group. Especially if you haven't nailed down that "I don't give a crap what they think" part yet.

12. Last trick I have that is still taking me some time to get a complete grip on - The more you don't care if you appear nervous or that people will notice your blushing, shaky hands, shaky voice etc. - the less nervous you will be. As a result of not caring if they notice, the symptoms are eliminated :). This probably goes hand in hand with #2 on this list. The less you care what others think, the better off you'll be.

"The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think."

Your Dad Was a Nervous Nelly

The other day I had someone that knew my dad tell me (jokingly), "Your dad was a nervous Nelly." It was funny because it was true. Strange thing is, I never would've thought anyone else noticed if he hadn't brought it up. Don't get me wrong - he's stronger than me in some ways. He spoke in front of large groups easily all his life and he was skilled in the martial arts when he was younger. He still has some self-esteem issues with caring about what others think a little too much, but that seems to be the way of the world now.

He mainly worries about the kind of stuff that we have no control over. The kind of stuff that could happen to anyone at anytime - like losing a job, getting sick, or someone in his family being in a car accident. Just because these are all possibilities doesn't mean that if you worry about them that they will not happen. He had the tendency to avoid confrontation due to worrying about upsetting someone, but then would sometimes explode over the smallest things.

He worries about stuff that most of us don't even think about. Perhaps it's the police background but it borders on ridiculous - "You kill those weeds with gas and what happens if someone throws their cigarette there?" The question makes some since but the odds of that happening in a time period where it would be flammable enough to burn my house down would be comical. And who is this strange smoking man standing a foot away from my house while I'm not there? Don't get me wrong, I don't make a habit out of killing grass with gasoline. This was on a patch of grass because I'd run out of Roundup. His mother, my grandmother, was even worse - so I can see where he got the worrying from. And now one of my daughters (who has the same type of worries as my father) - so, 4 generations of anxiety in a 50 year span. Thanks genetics.

Does Sugar Cause Anxiety?

Sugar has been on the usual suspects shortlist for a variety of illnesses lately and is now being blamed for some of the mental health issues that we're facing in the West. Secondary effects of too much sugar and processed food consumption can cause depression and anxiety due to the weight gain and sedentary feelings they may cause but is there a direct relation between sugar and anxiety?

Notice, I'm not going to be talking about many of the other problems that have been grouped with sugar consumption like confusion, sadness, inability to focus etc. I'm going to focus on anxiety and see where we stand with sugar consumption and its relation to anxiety by looking at the research that is currently out there.

There is a lot of research which shows that sugar and junk food has led us down a path of swollen bodies and unhealthy attitudes. Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that a healthy diet is the answer to all of our problems. I would, however, like to see a study done on the percentage of people who have an unhealthy diet and are overweight compared to people who eat very healthy diets and are in good shape and see what the gap is between the two groups on how much psychotherapy and pharmaceuticals that each is taking. I'm willing to bet that the more healthy group is way less medicated. I'm willing to also bet that people who have addictive personalities are much more likely to have unhealthy diets and have emotional eating issues. And when is the last time you at a tomato when you were depressed? Aren't you more likely to eat a pint of ice cream, which just continues the addiction to sugar? To only add to the confusion, you also have a "chicken or the egg" situation as stated in The Psychiatric Times -

"However, since the advent of the atypical antipsychotics, obesity has become more prevalent." - link

If you've been keeping up with this blog at all you'll notice that I've been keeping a scattered journal on my recent separation from nicotine. It's been a hard road and considering that it's an oral fixation that I've grown accustomed to for many years I've been apt to use this as an excuse to have a tootsie roll pop (or any other sugary candy that you can think of) anytime I have the urge for a tobacco product. As of today, it's been 29 days so maybe it's helped. I have pretty much gotten over the need for nicotine, which is probably why I'm moving on to this subject of diet and relating it to my mental health issues. Can a proper diet with moderate exercise cure me of my anxiety and make my small doses of Xanax unnecessary? This is the next step on my journey. The next frontier that I will have to undertake in order to become so healthy that I'm afraid to die again.

Now, back to the question of sugar and anxiety. Dr.Perlmutter, in his book "Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar--Your Brain's Silent Killers" - he suggest a low carb diet with very little fruits. There is an excerpt from his site suggesting that not only does sugar effect our brains but also the healthy carbs...

Renowned neurologist David Perlmutter, MD, blows the lid off a topic that’s been buried in medical literature for far too long: carbs are destroying your brain. And not just unhealthy carbs, but even healthy ones like whole grains can cause dementia, ADHD, anxiety, chronic headaches, depression, and much more. LINK

Looking at his site and video interviews, the main claim tends to be that following his suggested diet will greatly lower your chance of getting Alzheimer's and a reduce in brain fog, depression, ADHD etc. I'm not seeing much on anxiety besides a few articles. Maybe the book goes into more detail about anxiety specifically. These are the kinds of studies I'm looking for. Perlmutter's diet does seem to help people though. One man claims to have seen a 50% decline in his anxiety after reading Grain Brain, taking the suggested supplements, and exercising.


The Calm Clinic had the below to say about sugar and anxiety...

Contrary to what you read online, sugar does not cause anxiety. Anxiety is a mental health issue, and it's very uncommon for a person's diet to "cause" anxiety. What sugar does do is create changes in your body that may make your anxiety symptoms worse, or cause feelings that trigger anxiety attacks.

And then they egg you on to take this 7 minute anxiety test, so while what they're saying in the article is probably true there may be a $68 ulterior motive to why you can't fix your anxiety with diet alone. The $68 may be worth it but I'm sticking to diet on this post.


In the next article written by Dr. David Sack we read that...

"sugar consumption to an increased risk of depression and worse outcomes in individuals with schizophrenia" and " Interestingly, countries with high sugar intake also have a high rate of depression."

But what about anxiety? Well, he goes on to say that..

"The Standard American Diet, which is full of sugar and fat, does not necessarily cause anxiety but it does appear to worsen anxiety symptoms and impair the body’s ability to cope with stress." and "In a 2008 study, rats that binged on sugar and then fasted displayed anxiety, and in a 2009 study rats fed sucrose compared to high-antioxidant honey were more likely to suffer anxiety. While dietary changes alone cannot cure anxiety, they can minimize symptoms, boost energy and improve the body’s ability to cope with stress."

So I'm starting to see a theme as I study the correlation between anxiety and sugar. Yes, it does have an effect but it seems to lean more towards the symptoms than it does the cause.  We've seen the 50% reduction from following Dr. Perlmutter's recommended diet, the Calm Clinic saying that "anxiety is a mental health issue" and not so much a dietary issue, while they admit sugar can make symptoms worse as does Dr. Sack in his article.

Does anyone say that reducing or removing sugar from your diet can cure you from having those overly intense feelings that are not common in the normal population, the intense feelings you get with social anxiety, when in certain situations, or with OCD? From what research I've done on other people's research - Sadly no. Although it seems to help some people I don't see where diet has cured anyone in the anxiety arena. Can losing weight and feeling healthier help you with your social anxiety? Of course it can, but cure it? Maybe not. Even if you're lucky and diet takes care of 80% of your problems with anxiety, there is a percentage that has to do with our perceptions and facing our difficulties etc.

But let me veer in a direction that I didn't even see this article going...
There is an interview here with Bill Brenner about his addiction to sugar that shows how much a downward spiral unhealthy food can be. It's very easy for me to say that I'm going to change my diet to help with my anxiety, but what is it that has caused my poor eating habits? More often than not, it's my anxiety, or in the case of Brenner, his OCD. Like I mentioned earlier, most of us who are emotional eaters are not binge eating celery while we listen to that song from Inception while crying.

"The OCD is the main problem. It triggers my addictive behavior and the flour and sugar is what I would lunge for." LINK

What changed after you stopped binge eating?
"My head cleared in dramatic ways. I stopped having anxiety attacks. I dropped 65 pounds on the spot and have kept it off for more than two years. It made my OCD much easier to manage."

Once again, we're back to symptoms and managing the mental health issues but doesn't the quote above sound a lot better than not addressing diet at all? So maybe sugar isn't the cause of  anxiety disorders, but it's not helping anyone either. Let's take in the fact that not one study or article (at least none that I could find) said that sugar or junk food of any kind was good for you either physically or mentally. So while Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream taste and feels good at the time, there is always the "you play, you pay" rule in food - whether it's our waistlines, our moods, or our slipping back into addictive eating after splurging for one evening. When we've splurged on junk food to the point of being emotional vulnerable or numb to the world we've lost the battle (at least temporarily).  I think that most of us are going for that numb part and the anxiety comes from the lack of having that refined sugar hit like you would any other drug. So you eat more of it and it helps in the short term.

The plan for myself goes as follows - started the Paleo diet as of yesterday and so far it's been okay. I'm probably overdoing it on the meat right now but I'll reign that in. I'm about to go to the grocery store to stock up on more vegetables and some lean meat, maybe some fruits also. It's got to be better than all of the ice cream I've been eating. I'll let you know how it goes. Hopefully I will see gains physically and mentally, and will be able to describe it well enough to let help someone else, whether it's Paleo, vegetarian, whatever eventually works.

Other Links:
Sugar, Junk Food, and Mental Illness
How blocking sugar intake can reduce cancer risk/progression
Panic Attacks and Anxiety

Public Speaking and OCD

I'm thinking that my aversion to public speaking has something to do with making a big deal out of every little mistake I make and every little thing that people do in my audience (no matter how large or small). I have some meetings today where I'm sharing the lead role as presenter with another co-worker and so far, so good. I think starting small is a good thing. Start with a small group, get comfortable speaking in front of them and go from there. If you must, like I did, you can even start from scratch - be the one who volunteers to read a paragraph out loud etc. Someone who is a perfectionist tends to put their self-worth on how good they are seen by others. If a speaking engagement goes badly then I must be a weak and horrible person who has no place in society? Where did I get that? Maybe it's from holding on to crap that happened in school at those moments when big deals were made out of truly petty situations.

Breathing and attitude has a lot to do with how your presentation will go also. If you are making it into something besides communicating with other humans (in essence, holding a conversation with several people instead on one person) then you can overthink it. You can make it to where you feel as if you mispronounce a word, or have a moment where you can't think of the right word - instead of laughing it off, you turn it into a big deal and start the negative self talk which does you no good. I've been down that dead end road too many times.

I've had some cases where I can see someone leaning in to talk to the person next to them and I assume they are talking about me whether they are or not. Actually, it should make no difference but it still registers. I've even have had a few, that after they hear what this whisperer is saying to them, actual laugh out loud. Loud enough for everyone to hear (like it was just soooo funny). I think I'm going to start calling these people out like they are in the second grade and ask them if they have anything they'd like to share because it is very childish. Usually, these loud mouths aren't so brave when they are put on the spot. It's usually because of their on self-consciousness and feelings of insecurity that they do this kind of stuff. They want to draw this limited amount of attention to themselves (look at me, I'm cool and better), but not so much attention that the tables could turn on them. Maybe everyone else can see right through them anyway and I should just let them make fools of themselves. Maybe it's OCD and wanting everything to go perfect that causes this to be a bigger deal than it should. If you don't care, then maybe they can tell you don't care and it makes them feel even dumber than if you were to call them out on it. You see? That's why it's good to write and keep a journal - so you can work this kind of stuff out.

Being the leader you can control the relaxedness or tenseness of the environment. So if you decide that an open conversation with someone in the audience will calm yourself and show the audience some naturalness then you might start with that. You might bring so food and drinks for them to snack on (and make noise with) to take all of the focus off of yourself. I'm really thankful right now that I'm in a position where things can be taking slowly instead of having my boss tell me that I will be speaking at a convention next week with a thousand people. I know that I've written about this before and that I can be pretty dramatic but today (for some reason) the drama has lessened and I'm seeing more people that are like me, would rather avoid speaking in public if they have to, but are adult about listening to what I have to say without judgement. Maybe I've been around the wrong people for too long? People that see someone is uncomfortable and take advantage of that situation to make themselves feel better are people that I've dealt with before but (like I've said before) the less I care about trying to be perfect or not show any signs of nervousness while public speaking then the less I will have these traits when I've the center of attention. It's similar to that Aurelius quote I've worn out - "reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."


Of note:

This little trick has worked pretty well for me before public speaking...

Rikk Wilde - look him up on YouTube if the link is already taken down. I wouldn't say to watch this for laughs like some jerks do, but to read the comments. You will see that you are not alone in this whole public speaking thing. The poor guy has millions of hits on YouTube but people are really defending him because they know how he feels. There is an empathy there that you don't get with a lot of other subjects. There is a reason this video is out there and I don't think it's because people are enjoying watching someone suffer.

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 5

Tolkien

I now know why many of the great writers smoked. There is a creative kick that comes from nicotine that I really do miss. I guess I started young enough to not realize this effect, but now that it's gone I notice it big time. I hope that is a feeling that I haven't lost...

I still have a good amount of brain fog. Not as tired anymore, but just as grouchy. Last night was the hardest night yet. I truly don't know how I made it through. I miss that clear headed feeling (hard to describe) that I get from nicotine, after a meal especially. It really sucks to not have that little reward system. Sometimes when I'm done with a project or chore, I crave that hit just as bad as after a meal. There is this feeling in my head that something is clogged and if only I'd give it nicotine, it would open everything up (mentally). But, I know that this will eventually go away.

Too bad that there are such horrible side effects with tobacco use because I would be smoking like a chimney. After lunch today I felt like something was missing and it made me a little sad when I realized it was the nicotine, because it's not like a piece of gum or mint will ever give that same satisfaction. The people that tell you to buy a lot of gum and hard candy really don't know what it's like to be addicted to nicotine. Those are the people that must have smoked 5 or 6 cigarettes a day. "Oh yeah, chew on this piece of gum and you won't be pissed at the world anymore," they say. Now, I have a jaw that is sore from chewing gum on top of being pissed at the world.

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 2

Yesterday wasn't too bad, but today I will take nicotine in just about any form available - cigarette, chewing tobacco, gum, tea, vapor - whatever. I might end up like Michael Douglas in Falling Down where I just park my car on the side of the rode and lose my mind by the time this is over. This morning, I woke up mad at the world and a little more anxious than I expected to be. I stopped at a convenient store on the way to work and everything just ticked me off. Someone had the nerve to walk right in front of me in the parking lot and while I was checking out, the guy in line behind me was talking real loud to the cashier like anyone gives a crap about what he has to say! Wait until it's your turn, you loudmouth.

I'm kind of going back and forth between being pissed at the world and being in a complete brain fog where everything seems petty. I did read that nicotine has the tendency to make things into a bigger deal than they are, which probably explains some of this haze I'm in and the not giving a crap about certain stuff that would normally bother me. Of course, there's some stuff that I usually don't get upset about that's making me ridiculously ticked off. Maybe I shouldn't drive for a few days?

Someone I talk to daily (on the phone at work) said I didn't sound like myself - they thought it was probably the job getting to me. Well, the job isn't helping and I probably grumble more than I should but it's mainly the nicotine withdrawal this time. The next two days were supposed to be very busy and I really didn't know how I was going to handle it but God took care of it (yes, I believe that more everyday). Those appointments were cancelled until later in the month, so my week is looking a little better (like I might make it). There are just too many coincidences that help me through that I can't chalk up to pure chance anymore. After reading this the other day, I've learned to just keep praying and things will work out for the best.

Sometimes, I kind of like this feeling because it can be numbing in a good way. There really is a fogginess and I can almost feel how it would lift with one hit of nicotine. I can almost feel the effects just by thinking about it. I know that this happens with a lot of substance abuse. The person that is addicted can sometimes get hints of the upcoming high before they even have the drug in their possession.  I know it'll eventually pass though (one hour at a time) and getting past this addiction will be something I've needed to do for quite a while.

What's really dumb is that I was completely over this addiction about 2 years ago until I bummed a cigarette off of a co-worker (after months of not even a craving). After a few days of bumming here and there, I wound up starting back at square one.  I'm fighting against my bodies normal routine of getting it's normal fix and right now it's freaking my mind and body out. I just have to make sure I don't let any other addictions take it's place. I have already noticed that I'm eating a little more than normal. At the store I was looking on the shelf for something that had had the look of tobacco (very strange). I guess beef jerky would have been close or maybe some sun flower seeds that tasted like a mix of salt and dirt shoveled up in Kentucky?
--
I feel like I'm missing some of my creativity - not sure what parts of the brain nicotine lights up as far as that goes. I have also had to proofread almost every sentence about 5 times. I will be glad when this crap is over.

When Every Comment Feels Like a Slight

Some of what makes a person timid and anxious is being way to sensitive to things that are just the way of the world. I've noticed this about myself on many occasions. I've always been the first to get defensive when I feel like I've been ridiculed or judged unfairly, and I'm quick to defend others that I feel are being picked on, but sometimes I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

I'm in middle management so I see both sides of the coin. I do my best, but I know employees will complain even if I act like Mother Teresa - so what non-management employees say doesn't bother me too much. If I didn't treat them right then they do have a lot of say in my position, but I'll never be the kind of company man that causes a mutiny - just some grumbling every now and again. It's when someone in upper management or who's in a position to effect my job and what they think about the work I do that gets to me more. I sometimes take things out of context or make something said into a slight against me when it's usually just their way of bragging on themselves or joking. A simple, "We never used to do it that way" - (in my head) can turn into "you're doing something wrong," or "you're incompetent."

A lot of it has to do with the tendency for people to use text and email more often than speaking face to face or over the phone. When I read something that be taken either way, I usually see it in a negative light. An email that says - "It's not your responsibility" can be said in a completely reasonable tone over the phone when I can actually hear the person's voice and it would be fine, but when it's typed out I have to guess whether they're upset or just stating a fact etc.

I'm debating whether it's a lack of 'being secure in myself' or that I have so much pride that I don't like it being messed with. I'm leaning more towards pride being the culprit due to the pride disabling my ability to be secure in myself. Without the pride, then I'd accept the fact that people aren't always going to tip toe around me, just like I don't tip toe around everyone in my life. Without the pride, I'd ask more questions and be more humble - not try to act like I know it all when I clearly don't. I'd be more authentic and this authenticity would not take everything as a slight because I'm just another guy in the workforce dealing with stuff that millions of others are dealing with right at this moment.

There is nothing special about my situation or the person's situation that I'm feeling offended by, so why take it so seriously? Without the pride I wouldn't try to portray myself as perfect (with these OCD qualities) and would be able to take some constructive criticism. Without the pride, I'd know when it's best to speak up or let something minor slide (and most of it's minor). Without the pride, I'd know my limits and wouldn't be afraid if someone else knew them. Like I've said before, if people know they can get to you with their comments because they see that you're sensitive to them - (not saying they will but) they can use it against you to get their way. They will tell you something to pump up that pride when they need something, and they can use a slight to prick that pride when they don't want you to do something or to get you to do it their way. If you're humble, then there is no pride to boost up and their is no pride to tear down. They no longer have that control. You can learn from your mistakes easier, and if they have a better way - the have a better way. If they are using you, you can say no without it being a big deal because you aren't concerned about having their approval. Humbleness leads to growth in any endeavor. The trick is to stay humble no matter how high in the ranks you rise. The least will be the greatest, the meek shall inherit the earth, and "because everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted."

"People sometimes say their feelings are hurt. But our feelings can’t be hurt! It is the ego that hurts - my sense of self, my identity. Our feelings are fine! It is my ego that hurts." - Tim Keller 

How to Pull the Arrow Out

Many people spend hours asking themselves all kinds of questions: “When will this end?” “Why me?” and “What have I done to deserve this?” To make use of a well-known Buddhist parable, these questions are as much use as trying to figure out the source of the arrow which blinded you: it’s just not that important. What you need to know is how to pull the arrow out. - Nikolay Perov

Wisdom and Action

If you'll notice, usually what people talk about the most is what they're most concerned or proud about. Most of what people think, talk, and write about is what's on the forefront of their minds. Likewise, when someone reads a quote or hears a talk that has an impact on them, it's because it's something that was on their mind. When people consider ways to improve themselves or their situations, they usually study up on what is bothering them the most or something that they need to work on. It is usually through struggle that people tend to search for answers. It is usually in a time of crisis that we find the strength to put what we've learned to the test and start to look for meaning through spiritual methods such as prayer.

This does make me wonder. Did Marcus write his meditations to overcome his weaknesses? Did he stray from his own wisdom often? Did those close to him see a different side of him, a part that did not follow his own advice? I would imagine so. Why else would he need to re-motivate himself. So often, we know what we should do and yet we don’t do it. This is when we fall from virtue. If I were perfect, I doubt I would need to write about how to strive for perfection. heroicstoic

Knowing what we should do and doing it can be challenging. We should cultivate good eating habits now to avoid health problems down the road, but many of us will not change our diets until we actually have a health issue that is the result of a poor diet. The same can be said for smokers that don't decide to quit until it's effected their health. It's part of our nature to go along doing what feels good and what deadens the bad feelings that we have now, avoiding changes that hurt in the short term but will make us happier in the long term. We can learn everything there is to learn about a subject, but until we use this knowledge in the real world it's pretty worthless. Trial and error is the key. Expecting perfection right from the start will only set you back. Avoidance will only make certain situations worse. Realize where improvement can be made and keep moving forward until that problem is a distant memory. It's hard to be in a good mood when we are struggling with something, so why not take the steps necessary to overcome the struggle? Life is too short to let depression, anxiety, and addiction keep us down.

What Debbie Downer Would Say About 'Keep Calm and Carry On'

The original Keep Calm and Carry On posters were made by the British in 1939 while the world was ramping up for WWII. They were propaganda posters meant to be used in times of crisis or invasion, but were put into reserve and never used. The poster wasn't seen by the public until 50 years later when a copy turned up at a bookstore where it made such an impression on the customers that they started to sell them. 

As popular as it is now, why was the poster never distributed during the war? While the simple slogan resonates with many of us today, when you are actually in a state of stress, there are those who think that the poster is quite contradictory to how the mind works. It's also very hard to keep calm when your entire city block has just been bombed by the Germans. "Oh, all I have to do is keep calm and carry on? Easy enough." Perhaps, the Ministry of Information thought about all of this 60 years ago and this is why it wasn't framed until 2000...

It’s now clear that the poster was the result of a compromise designed to save money for the Exchequer, and that the decision to keep the poster “in reserve” was only taken after the war had begun. So it’s something of an irony that this decision was influenced by a belief that the phrase was “too commonplace to be inspiring” and official fears that “it may even annoy people that we should seem to doubt the steadiness of their nerves”. The Treasury was adamant that the public would “resent having [the message] crammed down their throats at every turn”. - theconversation.com

Why has this meme become so popular that it can be found in homes all across Europe and the United States? Is there an uneasiness about us that needs the same reassuring that the British government thought it's population needed during a possible invasion? If, throughout the day, we need to look at a poster in our homes and offices that say KEEP CALM in bold letters then perhaps we're really as nervous as hell. The popularity of these signs probably has a direct correlation with the rise in mental health issues and in the pharmaceuticals we take in order to tame these modern turbulent brains. 

When it comes to being upset about petty stuff that may cause anxiety and anger, keeping calm isn't a bad thing. It might be a good poster to have in your kitchen when you're about the throw the peanut butter jar across the room because it didn't spread right and tore your bread. However, there will be some things in life that cause you to become emotional to the point where you can't immediately carry on until you know how to. While I've always admired the stoicism of the British, sometimes it's best to sit with a strong feeling of anxiety or righteous anger and see the possible productiveness in it. Perhaps there is a reason why we have hard times. Think of all the passionate projects that have come from emotions that some of us try to suppress. Loved ones are sad to see friends and family members dying of cancer, so foundations are started and money is raised. People are concerned, saddened, and angered by the soldiers coming back from war with missing limbs and brain injuries so the Wounded Warrior Project is started. Someone is anxious about the job they have or not being able to find a job, yet they somehow turn that anxiety into an entrepreneurial excitement that makes them happier in the long run.

Yes, it will be ‘business as usual’ right up to the day when the Son of Man is revealed. - Luke 17:30

Although this meme has a soothing effect on me, sometimes keeping calm is the last thing a person or population must do when they see their economy slowly collapsing and rights being stripped from them. I can see keep calm and carry on being flashed on a neon sign in Times Square 100 years from now in an Orwellian future where camera drones make sure you don't litter. No...make that 20 years from now. Keep Calm and Carry On is great on your wall at home but should never be posted by any government or large corporation.

I remember many people, the day after 9/11, saying "business as usual" - which didn't hit the ear right at the time. It had a lack of concern about it that made me wonder if we'd become a society so consumed with money and comfort that not having a Walgreens open on 9/12/01 would have been an even worse disaster. Of course, if we weren't shopping the next day, that would've meant the terrorist won. Just like I'm wary of using the phrase "business as usual", I never want to see a keep calm poster in a bank after they've just foreclosed on my home or posted by a government after martial law has been declared. As long as it's personal artwork I think it's great, but I can see some candidate in the near future hijacking this slogan. Stay tuned for more uplifting posts like, "How Ebola Will Wipe Us All Out".

First World Labels & Fitting In

Is it fair to label anyone that has any type of social anxiety with a disorder? For instance, if you only get nervous when your put on the spot in a meeting, conference call, or public speaking - does this mean that you have a disorder? If almost everyone else has or had these feelings to some extent, doesn't it mean we all have this disorder but just at different times of our lives or at different levels? The world is a very social place, but the West has made what was once a natural thing into something that can make or break you. There are so many books, organizations, and classes telling us that in order to succeed you should talk this way, use this tone, use this body language, have this expression on your face. It can put you so inside your own head that you are no longer able to have a casual conversation without thinking about whether your hand should be on your hip or at your side.

We've come a long way very quickly from families that lived on farms, had no internet, no phones, no televisions, and no business meetings. Their work and financial well-being wasn't dependent on a title or what people thought about them. So, is it really that odd that we have a lot more socially anxious and depressed people around than there used to be or more than less-developed countries have? Are we too quick to label someone who's dealing with anxiety here and there with a disorder just because they are under a lot of pressure? Of course, the way we think about a situation can blow something trivial and petty out of proportion, but this way of thinking didn't come out of the blue - it had to start somewhere. As a society, while things have gotten much better as far as our physical comforts go, we are growing more and more uncomfortable mentally.While we are all trying figure out what's going on in our heads, it's easy to find a label for just about anything. Maybe it's just an outbreak of anxiety that has taken many forms. 

The meme about first world problems is very fitting, but I'm beginning to think that the mental problems we have can be just as painful or even more painful than some of the physical discomforts of a third world nation (or the problems we used to have before modern convenience). I'm not talking about the petty stuff like, "My maid couldn't come this week." I'm talking about the underlying anxiety and depression that creeps up on us daily. Some days, I'll see some workers paving a parking lot in the heat and think - "they're probably more content than I am sitting in my air conditioned office." At times, I would much rather disconnect myself from the politics of the corporate world where I'm tethered to my cell phone and emails, have to discipline adults about some policy I don't even agree with, and deal with people who are more concerned about the bottom line than the well being of people.

If you enjoy your job, you're very lucky. Maybe we don't know what we've got until it's gone? If we move on to something worse, maybe we will think back and miss the old job and it's all in our attitude about the situation. Someone else could take your place and love the job you hate. Is it crazy to want to go backwards? To some people it is. To some, it means you're weak or have a 'fear of success'. But, is it really the fear of success that is messing with us or the fear of the crap that comes along with it. If you are doing what you love or own your own business this can be much more manageable, but the majority of us are working for an entity that is made up of people that could care less what you think, they just want you to walk the company line. 

Patrice O'Neal made a good point in an old interview about how we've become followers who don't think for ourselves. He was talking about how he forgot to pay his electric bill and a company man came by and said that if he didn't have a check he would have to shut it off right then. Patrice asked him if he would still turn it off if he had a family member, hooked up to machines that kept them alive in his house. The guy simply said it was his job. We've gotten to the point where we just do as we are told and have somehow buried that part of us that can make decisions based on common sense and decency. And we wonder how Hitler got so many people to follow him?

This is why CEO's, Presidents, and a lot of higher level leaders tend to be narcissists. They don't care about other people. They don't care about what "they right thing to do" is. They may pretend that they care or do the right thing in order to make themselves look good, but really they're disconnected. So, are we labeling people that have issues which would keep them from being a narcissistic CEO? Are we labeling people that have some melancholy as crazy people that don't fit in? The world is made up of so many different types of people, but we expect everyone to be on the same page at the same time. The idea that we are all supposed to be a walking billboard for a Dale Carnegie course is insanity to me. Do you really want friends and family that have catch phrases and make sure they creepily lock eyes an entire conversation because it's some trick they learned? Or, do you want people in your life that are real?

Sometimes the labels fit. They probably do help people narrow down the issues they're suffering with so that they can get the right kind of help. We just have to be careful that we don't carry the labels around with us as an excuse to not get better. Just because you are depressed or anxious right this minute doesn't mean you're stuck this way for the rest of your life. Only in rare cases does it mean that you have to be on medication for the rest of your life. So, while a label can be helpful, we mustn't forget the first label we were given - human being. That label comes with enough baggage on its own. As a human being we are very complex. You can be labeled an introvert today and an extrovert a year from now. You can be labeled depressed after your mother dies and a happy person two months from now. You can be labeled anxious today by someone and too easy-going tomorrow by someone else. The brain is a strange organ that changes with input. Can you label your computer stupid because it's output is reflecting bad input? No. It's still the same computer that you've gotten a ton of work done using, it just needs the corrupted files removed. 

The Fear of Being Noticeably Nervous

I remember the moment that this fear of being noticeably nervous started. I was in a history class in junior high and we were supposed to bring in these little newspaper articles about some subject that we would read out loud in front of the class. That day I'd forgotten to bring an article and had to get one from a friend who, for some reason, had an extra. I was in a hurry because I didn't want a bad grade for forgetting the article and perhaps because I didn't want to upset the teacher. He asked questions about the article we read afterwards (from what I can remember) so maybe I knew I wouldn't have the correct answers after only reading it once. But I wasn't extremely nervous about about reading out loud in front of the class. I'd done that many, many times without it being a huge issue. After all, everyone gets a little nervous when they're in the spotlight. Anyway, I'd worked myself up and by the time I got up there my hands and voice were shaking. I didn't think anyone noticed, so I kept reading and I knew from experience that this went away after a little while, but the teacher cut me off and said that I could sit down. So he noticed!? This blew my mind. In a way it was a relief to sit down, but in a way it was way worse than if he'd just let me continue until my nerves calmed. Then I wouldn't have thought that anyone noticed that I was nervous at all and the next time it would be back to not being that big of a deal again. Bad luck, or for a reason - that day has affected me in ways I never would have thought possible. It had a snowball effect.

This was the day that I became aware that others could tell more of what I was feeling inside than I thought possible. Sure, I knew that you could tell when someone was sad, but a little nervous? From then on, the anxiety got worse. Not because of the things I once worried about while giving a speech; like knowing the material and making my points relevant to the audience. Now, I was nervous about other people noticing that I was nervous! So those jitters that usually went away would NOT go away because instead of being able to relax as you go, your mind escalates the fear into a somewhat selfish "everyone notices everything I'm doing" state that makes you feel as if you're in a life or death situation (that feeling right after a car accident).

Being that we are social beings who attract others with characteristics like strength and knowing that someone could see my nervousness or hear it in my voice made me feel weak. "If they see I'm weak then I will be rejected, picked on, and lonely," the voice inside of my head says. Even if I could beat them sparring in a karate class, or even if I was smarter than most in the room - at that moment they've got me. They see where I'm weak and my ego from any success I've had is shattered in an instant. I didn't get the reading out loud nervousness (which I've got control of now) until my freshman year in a high school Civics' class when some thug was staring at me the whole time I was reading for some reason. It was like he was waiting for me to mess up or something. He'd already made some comments before that day that had the effect he was looking for. Needless to say, the sheltered, sensitive, only child with the fragile ego finally snapped and from then on I didn't like being the center of attention at all. How we can let the actions of a few make us miserable for years when they haven't even thought about us is just a matter of how we have programmed our minds.

Like the deodorant commercial with the tag line - "Never let them see you sweat". Well, they can't see me sweat but they can hear it in my voice. On a side note - It also turned into this perfectionism, which is not possible and toxic. What a mess. Maybe I need to master the art of 'not giving a crap' again. Instead of never letting anyone see us sweat, maybe not giving a crap if they do would eliminate the stress that causes the sweating in the first place.

If the only signs of nervousness were sweating under your arms, this would be my miracle cure.

The following quote is about blushing, but can be applied to worrying about others noticing a shaky voice, hands, sweating etc. It's about stopping the internal critical script by not caring if people notice...

"The more a person does not care if he/she blushes, the more the symptom will diminish." - Jonathan Berent

Anxious Parents Make Anxious Kids

I don't know exactly where this need for other's approval started, but it's wreaked havoc on my life.  I was thinking that this started while trying to get my parents approval when I was quite young (which might have some truth to it), but lately I'm thinking it had more to do with the example they set. They were very loving parents. Of course, mistakes were made. Corporal punishment was sometimes the first resort, guilt was a big issue etc. But, without playing the blame game too much, I remember some instances where I feel as if bigger deals were made of normal childish mistakes than was necessary. I did stupid things and sometimes purposely (as all kids do), but I believe my parents already had an ingrained sense of 'approval seeking' that I slowly learned from them. Something that wouldn't have been a big deal in my own mind would later be turned into me having acted like an idiot and embarrassing them, which would of course make me think that I must have something wrong with me, causing shame.

Maybe I was a little nuts. I now know from raising girls that I was "all boy" and quite a handful in comparison. But if they had handled some things a little differently would I (to this day) still be seeking the approval of others by making sure I did everything the way it's supposed to be done, talking in a tone that doesn't offend, and making sure my words are carefully chosen. None of us had perfect parents, so maybe it's just me and my ego. I just remember a few things that were a little off. I'm sure they meant well, seeing to it that I fit in with society etc. They were even quick to defend me on many occasions.

My dad was a cop when I was young, so I think that this created a suspicious streak in him about everything that I was doing as a teenager. If I was five minutes late coming home, he would jump in his car and come looking for me - that type of thing. A lot of that was his own anxiety, thinking I was hit by a train or kidnapped. This was before everyone had cell phones, so there was no way of checking up unless you got to a land line. I remember one time, being in my friends truck and I looked at the clock and seeing that I was ten minutes late freaked me out so much that I had him quickly pull into a store where I could use the phone. My buddy was perplexed when I got back in the truck - "They really make that big a deal out of 10 minutes?" Yeah - they did. I guess the right word would be overprotective.

As far as the whole social anxiety and perfectionism issues - I remember in a karate class I took as a kid, the big thing for your birthday was that the class would chase you around a bit and then give you a smack on the butt. Granted, you could hardly feel it, but the kids would still run. All in good fun right? Well, on the way over to the class one evening my Dad said, "Don't run and make a big deal out of it - just roll over." I hadn't even remembered that it was close to my birthday and that this was the class they would probably do this little ritual in, but he was already preparing me to not make a fool out of him. Of course, I ran 2 or 3 steps anyway and when we got home he told my mom I acted like an idiot. I was in a lot of school plays and took a drama class until about the age of 13. I think their critiques of how I was out of character etc. finally made me give up on that also.

I won't bore you with more of these petty stories, but needless to say I think that their need for approval has rubbed off on me. There is this perfectionist quality that I have in "always showing my best side." I know a lot of teenagers go through this faze of timidness and trying to fit in, but I never really grew out of it. It has gotten better depending on the situation, but to this day I'm very careful to not make a "fool" of myself. In other words, I'm a crappy date for my wife at weddings.

Quotes on Pride and Ego

"People sometimes say their feelings are hurt. But our feelings can't be hurt! It is the ego that hurts - my sense of self, my identity. Our feelings are fine! It is my ego that hurts."

- Tim Keller, The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness

"Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next person. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about." 

- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

How to Surprise a Manipulator

Odds are, if you can put yourself into the category of being a people-pleaser, pushover, or a doormat (even on ocasion) then you've dealt with a lot of narcissistic and manipulative people in your lifetime. People that enjoy bullying or using manipulative behavior to get what they want are usually drawn to these personality types because these are the people that they have power over - these are the people that they get their strength from (like emotional vampires). If it weren't for people that let them get away with it, these people would be nobodies. People would simply call them out each time they tried their bullying and they would hold no positions of power. Their shaming, anger, and flattery would all be in vain.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. " - Eleanor Roosevelt

Any day now, a people-pleaser could wake up and say, "You know what? This is BS. I don't deserve this." So, if you're the type of person that uses people, don't be surprised when an individual or group has finally had enough of you. That will be the day when the manipulation stops, because you cannot control someone who doesn't give you control. It doesn't mean that the bullied needs to rise up and become the bully or that, if you are the one being manipulated, you have to get emotional, call them up and curse them out right this minute. All that it means is their tactics won't work on you anymore like they used to. The good thing about this is that the manipulator will see this change soon enough. It won't take them long to realize they've lost control. If they see that your emotional well-being no longer depends on their mood or what they say, then not only will they move on to an easier target, but you're essentially free.

I remember when I was a kid and I asked my parents why there were homeless people and the reply was - "It's usually because they can't work for other people." In other words, the ego of the homeless did not allow them to follow rules or "play the game"? Of course, I now know there are a myriad of reasons a person might become homeless - substance abuse, severe mental disorders etc. Maybe there is some grain of truth to what my parents said, but if you're truly miserable working for an insane person and you've decided to stand your ground for the sake of your sanity, then I don't see how this can be a bad thing.

Now, if you're working for someone that has good days and bad days like the rest of us, but doesn't ever take it out on you personally, then maybe you're being to sensitive. Just because you're boss doesn't greet you at the door because he's busy with something else doesn't mean he's out to get you. What I'm talking about here are the complete narcissist that expect their employees to be doormats. The type that enjoy the small power trip they gets out of making others feel bad.

Narcissists and manipulators may even come across as nice people. Notice I don't say good people, because there is an underlying quality to them that we can't ignore - something that you can feel. They will use a kind word or flattery every now and again to make us more supple, easier to mold, and more likely to bend to their wishes. They usually go from one extreme to the other, always keeping those that have to deal with them guessing what kind of mood they will be in. It's a pretty sick game.

There is a scene in "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (David Fincher's version) where the bad guy, Vanger, asks his victim to come in for a drink. Now, Blomkvist (the potential victim) has already figured out that Vanger is a psychopathic killer, but he still goes back inside the house for a drink knowing that it probably won't end well. We will actually put ourselves in danger to "not offend." Criminals, bullies, and manipulators use this against people everyday.

After Vanger has Blomkvist captive, he goes into this little speech that shows how our fear of coming across as impolite can make us do idiotic things, even when our gut is saying "run" or "fight" -

Let me ask you something. Why don't people trust their instincts? They sense something is wrong, someone is walking too close behind them. You knew something was wrong, but you came back into the house. Did I force you? Did I drag you in? No. All I had to do was offer you a drink. It's hard to believe that fear of offending me is stronger than the fear of pain, but you know what? It is. And they always come willingly, and they sit there, they know its all over, just like you do. But somehow they still think that they have a chance, maybe if I say the right thing, maybe if I'm polite, if I cry, if I beg. And when I see their hope draining from their face, like it is from yours right now, I can feel myself getting hard. But you know, we're not that different, you and I. Both have urges. Satisfying mine requires more towels.

The best thing that we can do for ourselves and for our children is to let them trust their gut instead of always insisting on politeness. Sometimes parents go too far with "respect your elders" or teaching a respect for people in authority (that shouldn't even be in a position of authority). We must watch out for people who will use this willingness to please against us. Charismatic cult leaders are notorious for this type of manipulation which causes group thinking and subservient behavior.

You're an adult. There are no "rules" in what your reply has to be and in which tone of voice you use when speaking to someone. There are ways to make people feel welcome that you enjoy talking to and a sense of common courtesy that we have (even with strangers), but it is still because you've decided that this is the correct behavior for that situation. Of course, we always start by treating people as we would want to be treated, but if they don't return the favor and for some reason feel the need to target you, it must be nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand. If they're sick enough to see kindness as a weakness that they can exploit, you must be more assertive with that individual before they get the idea you're an easy target. Even the stoics, who did their best to keep drama out of their lives, went to war with people when they had to.

In relationships, a manipulative or more controlling spouse/partner will sometimes use tactics they would never try on anyone else. If you've done something wrong, they may use guilt and shame to make you feel as if you have to fawn over. feel pity for, and fear their wrath in order to get back in their good graces - as if the guilt and shame you're feeling isn't enough. Every argument isn't because whoever you're dating or are married to is a narcissist. You can tell that you're with a true manipulator when you can see that they don't care about you personally; they will get what they want by any means necessary, even if that means you're crying at 3 am while they're sleeping like a baby.

Your spouse may have even gotten over whatever it is that you think was so bad, but they can't let you know that or they lose the upper hand. The real bad ones consciously know what they're doing and will even gloat about it to others. You see this sometimes in couples where the one being manipulated or verbally abused feels like they deserve it. Even if you are the one that originally broke the trust and have apologized repeatedly and have made an effort to stay with that person because you've seen the error in your ways - for them to use it against you and to make you feel like dirt is no way to live. Counseling would be a good idea here, because the counselor will be less likely to let them to get away with this behavior.  No one is perfect. You are not your mistakes. To hold a mistake against someone to the point where it becomes cruel is worse than ending the relationship completely.

I will admit, a lot of this is very situational considering the restraint that I've suggested in earlier post. Sometimes keeping your cool, especially when others are watching, makes the manipulator look ridiculous, which can work in your favor. But in this post, when we're dealing with someone that is possibly verbally abusive or has rejected you as a human being with feelings, then "keeping your cool" is usually the result of the fear of confrontation or offending. When dealing with a true narcissist, you don't have to over analyze it to the point where you feel sorry for them. You'll find that this is very common in the corporate world. You may bring up what's happening with this particular boss or co-worker and they are defended with, "he/she really does have a good heart, they just don't know how to get their point across."

Sometimes we even feel sorry for someone who is mean because we assume they must have other issues going on in their lives. We assume they have a good heart in there somewhere. Don't forget that even though this may be true, you have a good heart too and they are currently trying to take advantage of that. These are the times when you have to think about yourself. I know that it's not good to focus on ourselves at all times, and that it can backfire to be overly self-consumed, but sometimes what's best for you at the moment is to fight against the social norm and be a little aggressive without allowing yourself to become overly emotional. If you become too emotional when sticking up for yourself then they still have an advantage. I realize that this is easier said than done, especially when it is a situation that has been going on for awhile and you have a lot of feelings that are bottled up. They might not have gotten to you in the way that they intended but they still got to you if you are just as upset as you would have been before you decided to assert yourself.

All of that respect that you were taught that you had to give throughout your childhood and in high school is done. In reality - You don't have to do anything. People use this "logic" that we were taught against us every day. If you pay close attention to the words of those around us, be it the media, family, friends, or co-workers you will hear these little catch phrases that they use to get people to think as they do. Commentators on the news will even say, "What people have to realize..." or a boss might say, "what you need to do..." Yes, sometimes they are right and what they're saying might be helpful, but sometimes they are dead wrong. Do people really go to see Lady Gaga so that she can give a 20 minute rant on who they have to accept and what their political views should be? No, but give someone a little power and they feel like they can teach you something because they are more evolved, smarter, or above you.

You deserve respect no matter how little you think you deserve it. You deserve it starting today. You don't have to wait until you're seventy. Being nice to people is a good thing, but letting people bulldoze you because they think you're weak is something that only you can stop. Most of the time, if money weren't involved, half of the disrespect that we take would be ended very quickly but we have bills to pay so we keep taking their crap. This is very common. Almost everyone has had to deal with a narcissistic and manipulative boss. The manipulators of the world are fighting the ones that have dismissed or have fought back by labeling them as sensitive or lazy when they are called out on their bad behavior. Here is an example of what is given to people in corporations (as a "joke") when they complain about being treated badly...

Yes, there are people that will blow anything out of proportion, but instead of trying to see a little bit of truth in the employees point of view, there is this automatic - "People these days don't know what work is." Actually, I think there is still a strong work ethic. People have stood up for themselves since the beginning of time. Maybe it's the bosses of the world that have become more sensitive? Maybe they are the ones who have let their egos get out of control to the point that they've had to label the employee as the sensitive one when they can't believe that they aren't getting away with talking to people however they want. Other employees that hang on their every word like they are something special and put up with their nonsense can be enablers that make it harder on the group as a whole. It's much better when there is more than one person that stands up for themselves, but it usually starts with one brave soul.

So, how do you surprise a narcissists or a manipulator? You simply don't do what you have always done. You cut them off before they get too far and make your boundaries known. If necessary, you talk to them as you would a spoiled child. You let them know (in some way) that what they have been getting away with isn't acceptable. At first they might switch tactics - becoming angry or throwing a temper tantrum because they can't believe that you're actually standing up for yourself. This is a good point in the conversation where you want to keep strong and find a little humor their behavior.

When they see that none of the old tricks work on you, they will move on to someone that they can control. Manipulative people are usually weaker than they put on (or they wouldn't have to constantly throw their weight around). They are so used to getting their ego boosted by the "sly" tactics they use that when it fails, they either leave you alone, treat you differently, or (if it's a work situation) find a way to remove you from the company. Hopefully, there are leaders within the company that have enough reasoning to see that you don't deserve to be fired for sticking up for yourself. If not, do you really want to stay there anyway?

If a manipulator has somehow learned their lesson, then you can rightfully forgive them and move on from there. No need for a lot of drama. It's over and now the boundaries have been set. There are different ways of handling these types of people, but all of them should end with the bully knowing they are messing with the wrong person, even if you can do so without saying a word.

Other useful info on people pleasing, being addicted to the approval of others, and dealing with narcissists....
spartanlifecoach

A Pure Freedom

One of the greatest freedoms that we can attain is to be free from worrying about the opinions of others. It's not a freedom from responsibility, a financial freedom, or a freedom from anything physical like prison. It's a mental freedom that few in this world have. No matter what your situation, it is a freedom that can still be attained. It's to truly not care what anyone thinks of you. A lot of what we fear in this life stems from this issue. On the list of fears that people have, the fear of public speaking ranks higher than death. So, though there are other things that we fear in this life, the fear of rejection from our fellow man is the biggie.

Now, there are questions that I sometimes mull over about this subject. How would society handle it if people really had this freedom? Would the crime rate skyrocket? Would marriages and other relationships fall apart? Would people stop wearing clothes and taking care of themselves? Is there a consequence in truly not caring what others think about us (whether it be good or bad) that would keep people from caring for others?

If people lost the fear of looking bad in front of others and the need for the approval, would they be less likely to donate to charity, feed the hungry, or care for the elderly and sick? This could happen to a very small extent, at least at first. Most of us do good without the need of a plaque showing how much we donated or a pat on the back from our friends, but there are some that wouldn't donate to a charity if it didn't further their popularity or influence in some way. Of course, there are some that do good and accolades are the result without them asking for it, but there are some that will talk for hours about the good they do (how they are saving the environment by driving a Prius, how they bring groceries to the needy every weekend, or how much they donated to some charity). It is much better for others to brag on you, without you ever knowing it, than for you to brag on yourself and hear the approval first-hand. You see a lot of politicians running for office making a show of their good deeds.

“Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others." - Matthew 6:2

Will people still do good without the praise of others? Of course, it happens everyday. People who help others without boasting about it find it even more satisfying, so this will continue. People who leave giant tips don't hang around to see if the waiter or waitress will thank them. They leave the restaurant feeling good for having done a random act of kindness without needing the ego boost of someone telling them how great they are. So, that means to truly not care what others think will not put a halt to the goodness that is done, but may even make it more likely due to a lack of feeling like they have to compete with others. There can be a sense of why try if you are comparing your donations and time to the likes Bill Gates and Bono. But if you're not doing it for kudos or out of competitiveness then you will still give what you can, no matter how meager. A lot of charities take advantage of our competitive nature and it works for them, at least until the next new fad or hip cause comes along.

The ice bucket challenge to help raise money for ALS is a good thing and has raised a ton of money, but there is an element of 'look at me' to it. It just depends on that individual's personal agenda. Celebrities could just as well give a few million without posting a video. If they are posting a video of themselves being doused with ice water to further the cause, that's great. If they're doing it to be on TV and don't even donate, then it's not helping anyone or anything but their image. How it helps their image I don't know - it's really not as funny as they think it is. But hey, whatever works, if you can make money for a good cause by giving celebrities a way to boost their hits on YouTube, then go for it. Use their need for approval.

Will the crime rate get worse if people truly don't care about what other people think? I would never advocate something that would cause a societal breakdown. Like I mentioned before, truly not caring about the opinions of others doesn't mean that you have to become a bad person who doesn't care about the well being of the people around them or society as a whole. Shame and embarrassment, being of the same ilk are still two different things. Being a logical person means that you still feel guilt and shame when you do something that you know is wrong. Not caring about the petty thoughts that people have of your looks or how you talk etc. doesn't mean that you will lose any moral standards that you'd set for yourself. It means that you can rationally understand that what flashes through another person's mind should have no effect on your well being.

Greatness cannot be achieved if you've pleased everyone. If even those who do evil respect you then you are doing something wrong. If you get a call from someone asking you to do a robbery with them, you wouldn't say yes so that you don't upset them. You look at the big picture and what's best for the whole. So, knowing that you can't please everyone, you don't go to England and speak with an English accent just in case they don't like Americans, you don't start gossip because someone you know at work likes to gossip etc. This is already something that we know. We aren't going to be liked and praised by all. So you do the right thing, you're kind, you forgive. You already do these things even though it's not always the popular thing to do, so how would the world go into chaos or how would crime be out of control if we stopped caring what other's think about us?

If you're a good person, not caring about what others think is a good thing, but what about the people that are just bad? The ones who only do what is right so that they don't get in trouble or only do what is admirable so that they will look good to others? These are the same people that would rob a bank if they knew they wouldn't get caught. This is the same boss that would call you every name in the book if he knew that he wouldn't lose his job over it. These are the same teenagers who join gangs to fit in. These people are kept in check by the rules and laws of society whether they care what other people think about them or not. Not caring what others think doesn't mean that we throw out law and the enforcement of it. Not caring what others think means that we can be free from these people that mean to do harm and perhaps help them to truly change. They will no longer effect our moods like they once did so we will be able to see the weakness in their actions like never before.

We would also be more likely to stand up against these bullies. So many join the oppressors of the world because they are simply pick the side with the most people, the side that will make sure their job is secure, or where they feel the most accepted. If people stopped feeling the need to fit in, they would be more likely to fight for what is right even if it's much "cooler" to be on the wrong side. If people truly stopped caring what others think about them, how many would be less likely to drink and drive, join a cult, pick fights because someone hurt their pride? When you can truly think for yourself, you will find that people will be attracted to this quality of being independent from the opinions and talk of others and they will join you. You don't even have to return evil for evil, just the fact that you did what was right without caring what others thought makes you different, a potential leader, and even more approachable. Losing the fear of not fitting in would most likely lower the crime rate.

If people truly stopped caring what others thought of them would they be more or less likely to do things that are just plain dumb, but not illegal? This is the trickiest one because we are going back to character here, but without the bigger consequences like imprisonment. For instance, to truly not care what anyone thinks would you be more or less likely to cheat on your spouse? For some, maybe this would happen, but given the opportunity they would have done so with or without the fear of other people's opinions. If you care about your spouse you will be less likely to cheat, no matter how tempting it may be. Like I said earlier, feeling shame and guilt for doing something wrong isn't the same thing as caring about what other people think about you as a person. To not be swayed by the thoughts of others might even make you less likely to cheat because you will not feel trapped in your relationship or be told by someone that you can do better and believe it without question. You won't be made to feel "special" by the potential man or woman that is trying to pull you out of your marriage because you are secure in yourself and what your principles are. To be made to feel "special" can be used to make you do a lot of things that you know you shouldn't do. This is why it's important to not be moved by good or bad opinions.

The real question is, how much do you care for other people? This is not the same thing as not caring what their opinion of you is. You can still care for other people without caring what people think of you? We all want our kids to respect us, but sometimes we have to be the bad guy in order to protect them. Being popular is not the priority if you want what's best for your children and most parents know this. In the end, most children respect good parents, even if it takes years. However, how much respect will they have for the parents that wanted their approval when they were young and by doing so let them make horrible decisions in their youth?

A lot of how we care about people comes from our ability to set a good example. If you care for your kids, you won't dance on a table in a restaurant while everyone looks on in horror. To restrain yourself from doing this doesn't mean you are repressed by the societal norm or that you are too worried about what other people think - it means that you are not a psychopath. To have no impulse control isn't the same as the mental capacity of not being afraid of people's thoughts and what they might say about us.

We learn that it's not okay to do whatever we feel like doing by the age of three or four. Sometimes a teacher or parent may go too far and we wind end feeling stupid for simply dropping our spoon, but as far as just doing what is unacceptable in the culture that you live in - whether it's legal or not, we do these things to keep the peace and to treat others how we would like to be treated. So, if your in some strange restaurant that encourages people to dance on the table, go for it if you feel inclined but it doesn't mean that you have reached some new level of consciousness where you're unable to feel embarrassment. If the consequence is that your family is embarrassed by your actions, and these actions were out of line, then you're in the wrong. If they are embarrassed by your actions, but these actions were something that was right (like sticking up for someone you see being bullied) let them be embarrassed.

"How are we constituted by Nature? To be free, to be noble, to be modest (for what other living thing is capable of blushing, or of feeling the impression of shame?)" - Epictetus

You still do what is right and care for other people (not on behalf of receiving praise, because sometimes you will be berated for doing so, but for the responsibility you have to yourself and others). You do what is right because you have the gift of being able to step back and truly be free to choose what the best course of action is without the negative signals or prodding from others. If blaring "The Imperial March" every time your boss walks into the room will get you fired, doing what's best for yourself and your family would probably be not to blare it, no matter how fun it would be. Not caring what other's think doesn't mean that you stop caring for other people or disregard what God expects you to do while you're here. Is there a selfishness to not caring about the opinions of others? No. It's more of a selflessness. It means you're not thinking about yourself all of the time. When you can let go of people's opinions, gossip and the fear of backlash, then you can truly make a difference in the world.

Will it piss some people off that you don't care what they think and that they can no longer control you? Yes, most likely it will piss some people off, but what do you care? The people that care about you for who you are will be there regardless. This doesn't mean you don't have to show up for work or pay your taxes. It means that you're not going to be a follower and go out to a bar every night with co-workers because that's what they do. It means you don't change the way you talk depending on the group you are with at the time. It means that you can read your Bible at a Starbucks without fearing that people will think you're self-righteous. It means that people can't control who you are and what you're goals are. It means they can't make you feel dumb when you ask a question, they can't make you fear their rejection, and they can't get away with talking down to you like they used to because they can tell in your tone that it's no longer effective.