12 Public Speaking Tips to Become Sturdy Minded

I've done some public speaking recently (twice in two days), which may be a surprise to anyone who's read some of my bleaker posts about this subject in the past. I'm not saying that this is something easy to get over (by no means) or that I'm completely at ease yet myself, but I thought I'd post a few things that have helped me out over the last few days and have made me much more comfortable. It's strange, but right now I'm feeling like I want more practice with it - which is a long way from the days where I would dread the experience from the moment I found out that it was coming until the moment the I was in front of a group.

The more comfortable I get with myself in front of a group, the more I feel as if a weight that I've been carrying half of my life is finally being lifted off of me. I even smiled a few times behind that podium because "It's been a long time coming." How ridiculous that I've let this hinder me for so long. I know that I have a long way to go, but taking these steps of doing and not avoiding (like I used to) has been good for me. I can already tell that the more I do this, the less of a 'big deal' my mind will make out of it. To show you how small I'm starting and how far I have to go - I haven't spoken in front of more than 15 people yet and my comfort level somewhat depends on who is in my small audience. If I know there's a rude or judgmental person there, I'm a little more anxious (which is something I've got to get past). Why let one or two people ruin progress? I've noticed from watching any public speaking, that there are people in the audience that will be judgmental no matter who is up in front of them. These are usually the people that would hate to be up there themselves.

Below is what has helped me and I didn't learn all of this on my own so I'm going to give credit where credit is due...

1. If possible, start speaking in front of 10 to 15 people. Where it's work related you can start by just reading and going over the facts without getting too much into personal stories etc. As you get comfortable that will come later.

2. I know this goes against what all of the public speaking "experts" teach but don't be afraid to make a joke out of your nervousness. The "experts" say you don't want to draw attention to it but if you think they will notice anyway, take the pressure off yourself by being real. They will usually laugh at this if it's done in a certain way. There is usually no reason,while public speaking, to make everything so serious. The more self-effacing and friendly you are, the more likely you'll get warm feelings back towards you. If someone in the audience is jerky enough to take advantage of that; you have the podium (so to speak), so you can shut them down (if even sarcastically).

3. Remember half of your audience isn't listening to you and the other half just hopes you don't call on them.

4. Smile - Smiling changes the brain. When you grin (even a small sly grin) it eases the tension. At least it has been working for me. You don't have to stand up there grinning like the Cheshire cat but every now and then helps the brain snap into a better mood and sense of well-being.

5 Breathing - this has been a biggie for me. I did not realize how much effective breathing can ease the tensions in my body. Here are the breathing videos I recommend (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched at one point)...



6. Realize that some things just can't be fixed with your head. Whether you're reading book after book on the subject but never putting it into practice, or you're backstage trying to think about how special you are because you read it in one of those books - there are some things you can't think yourself out of. Sometimes the best way to fix your head is to get out of your head - see  the videos below for better explanations (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched)...



7. If needed, get with your doctor or psychiatrist about prescriptions that will help with the nerves while you practice and get better at public speaking. If permitted by a physician, perhaps you can taper down the amount taken as you get more comfortable being in front of an audience - up to the point where you no longer find the medication necessary because your brain has rewired itself to see public speaking as something that isn't life threatening or as big of a deal as you once made it. The typical medications a doctor might prescribe would be Xanax or beta-blockers. Of course, it'd be great not to have to use them at all but it depends on how extreme the fear is. If it's to the point where you'd rather drive off into the distance, lose your job, and leave your family behind because your company wants you to give 20 minute speech, then perhaps your psychiatrist can give you something to help you get over that hump. While feeling the fear isn't a bad thing, there's no reason you have to suffer more than the average person does before they do public speaking. Even pets are given sedatives during thunderstorms.

8. When you can, use a podium. I love podiums. You can sort your paperwork out on them, hide those shaky hands you usually get at first. Lean on it for a rest when you want (but they will think you're doing it for effect). Use one when possible. Politicians have it made, besides debates they have a podium and teleprompters to read off of.

9. Don't over-prep. Over-preparing can make you more nervous (it does me). Have some bullet points you'd like to hit and go from there. You don't have to memorize a speech or practice it over and over. That's overkill and it makes being in front of other people as different than other parts of your life. Do you have to practice what you're going to say to your buddy or family members over and over before you talk to them? I know you want to be a little more prepared when you have a message that has to be relayed to a group of people but I'm done with over-prepping and the 'practicing in the mirror' bit.

10. Remember it's not about you, the world doesn't revolve around you. They don't care as much as you think they do. You're actually up there just having a conversation with fellow human beings.

11. Change your Diet for the better - I will get more into this later but I've cut way back on dairy and carbs and I'm feeling a lot calmer. Also, the better shape you're in, the better you'll probably feel in front of a group. Especially if you haven't nailed down that "I don't give a crap what they think" part yet.

12. Last trick I have that is still taking me some time to get a complete grip on - The more you don't care if you appear nervous or that people will notice your blushing, shaky hands, shaky voice etc. - the less nervous you will be. As a result of not caring if they notice, the symptoms are eliminated :). This probably goes hand in hand with #2 on this list. The less you care what others think, the better off you'll be.

"The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think."

I Will Be Glad When This Crap Is Over

In my post Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 2 I mentioned how "I will be glad when this crap is over" when writing about how I was feeling without nicotine at that point. Trying my best not to sound like someone in an AA meeting, but failing - I've now gone 37 days without any tobacco products and I'm finally over the hump. I rarely feel that need I was feeling in the beginning. I know that I've got to be careful. My dad likes to smoke a cigar on Thanksgiving and here we are, already close. No matter how tempting I must refrain, because with nicotine I'd be off the bandwagon with just the one cigar.

So, if it gives anyone hope - it really does get better. Let's compare this feeling I'm having now without any withdrawal to what I said a little over a month ago on 10/17/14 -

After lunch today I felt like something was missing and it made me a little sad when I realized it was the nicotine,because it's not like a piece of gum or mint will ever give that same satisfaction. The people that tell you to buy a lot of gum and hard candy really don't know what it's like to be addicted to nicotine. Those are the people that must have smoked 5 or 6 cigarettes a day. "Oh yeah, chew on this piece of gum and you won't be pissed at the world anymore," they say. Now, I have a jaw that is sore from chewing gum on top of being pissed at the world.

Public Speaking and OCD

I'm thinking that my aversion to public speaking has something to do with making a big deal out of every little mistake I make and every little thing that people do in my audience (no matter how large or small). I have some meetings today where I'm sharing the lead role as presenter with another co-worker and so far, so good. I think starting small is a good thing. Start with a small group, get comfortable speaking in front of them and go from there. If you must, like I did, you can even start from scratch - be the one who volunteers to read a paragraph out loud etc. Someone who is a perfectionist tends to put their self-worth on how good they are seen by others. If a speaking engagement goes badly then I must be a weak and horrible person who has no place in society? Where did I get that? Maybe it's from holding on to crap that happened in school at those moments when big deals were made out of truly petty situations.

Breathing and attitude has a lot to do with how your presentation will go also. If you are making it into something besides communicating with other humans (in essence, holding a conversation with several people instead on one person) then you can overthink it. You can make it to where you feel as if you mispronounce a word, or have a moment where you can't think of the right word - instead of laughing it off, you turn it into a big deal and start the negative self talk which does you no good. I've been down that dead end road too many times.

I've had some cases where I can see someone leaning in to talk to the person next to them and I assume they are talking about me whether they are or not. Actually, it should make no difference but it still registers. I've even have had a few, that after they hear what this whisperer is saying to them, actual laugh out loud. Loud enough for everyone to hear (like it was just soooo funny). I think I'm going to start calling these people out like they are in the second grade and ask them if they have anything they'd like to share because it is very childish. Usually, these loud mouths aren't so brave when they are put on the spot. It's usually because of their on self-consciousness and feelings of insecurity that they do this kind of stuff. They want to draw this limited amount of attention to themselves (look at me, I'm cool and better), but not so much attention that the tables could turn on them. Maybe everyone else can see right through them anyway and I should just let them make fools of themselves. Maybe it's OCD and wanting everything to go perfect that causes this to be a bigger deal than it should. If you don't care, then maybe they can tell you don't care and it makes them feel even dumber than if you were to call them out on it. You see? That's why it's good to write and keep a journal - so you can work this kind of stuff out.

Being the leader you can control the relaxedness or tenseness of the environment. So if you decide that an open conversation with someone in the audience will calm yourself and show the audience some naturalness then you might start with that. You might bring so food and drinks for them to snack on (and make noise with) to take all of the focus off of yourself. I'm really thankful right now that I'm in a position where things can be taking slowly instead of having my boss tell me that I will be speaking at a convention next week with a thousand people. I know that I've written about this before and that I can be pretty dramatic but today (for some reason) the drama has lessened and I'm seeing more people that are like me, would rather avoid speaking in public if they have to, but are adult about listening to what I have to say without judgement. Maybe I've been around the wrong people for too long? People that see someone is uncomfortable and take advantage of that situation to make themselves feel better are people that I've dealt with before but (like I've said before) the less I care about trying to be perfect or not show any signs of nervousness while public speaking then the less I will have these traits when I've the center of attention. It's similar to that Aurelius quote I've worn out - "reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."


Of note:

This little trick has worked pretty well for me before public speaking...

Rikk Wilde - look him up on YouTube if the link is already taken down. I wouldn't say to watch this for laughs like some jerks do, but to read the comments. You will see that you are not alone in this whole public speaking thing. The poor guy has millions of hits on YouTube but people are really defending him because they know how he feels. There is an empathy there that you don't get with a lot of other subjects. There is a reason this video is out there and I don't think it's because people are enjoying watching someone suffer.

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 12

I've actually made it to day 12. It's been a journey full of scattered thoughts, mood swings, and binge eating until I can't feel my legs - but it's getting better. Right now, I have no desire for nicotine. Oops, spoke too soon, there it is.

Really, my cravings are becoming less frequent. There are certain things that seem to set off the need for tobacco that I've discussed before. I could have used a huge cigar at the end of the Saints' game last weekend. If they could win a game then my Sundays would be a little more sunshine and less the Morrissey version of "silent and grey." I'm not much of a Sunday person anyway, so the Saint's losing the game in the last 3 minutes only made it more depressing. Why I'm upset because some millionaires lost a game is beyond me.

I still get that flush of dopamine every now and again when I think about smoking. They say it gets released when you're expecting a reward, whether the reward actually comes or not. Problem is, I'm unable to fulfill the expectation so I look to other things like food and drink. My time on the treadmill has gone up a little (probably due to the need to burn off some stress) but I'm sure I'm making up for it in calories. I had two beers last night, plus a lot of appetizers at the restaurant we went to. No real food that I can think of in the last few days. That will have to be the next step once I'm over this hump - getting my diet back on track. If I don't reign this in I will end up on the news, being fork-lifted out of my house while my moo moo flaps in the wind.

I've learned that knowing something is bad for you doesn't mean that you will make a change. The thoughts about something being bad for you have to align with your emotions in order for you to quit a bad habit or start a good one. That's why most of the time, when life changes are made, it's because of an emotion like fear. You're much more likely to have a clean diet if your doctor tells you that you're borderline diabetic and you're more apt to quit smoking if you're told that you have spots on your lungs. Sad but true. Maybe I'm lucky that it didn't take a scare to make me quit nicotine? There was some other emotion that lined up with the intellectual part of me knowing it was bad for me, even though I can't really put my finger on it I'm sure a small part of it was fear. Next step will be to get my diet back under control instead of using quitting smoking as the excuse. Guess it will take lining the intellectual and the emotional up again. Now back to listening to Viva Hate because what's a better answer to any problem than knowing it's all going to end one way or another - "Armageddon, come Armageddon."

Mary Jane is No Longer the Cool, Witty Girl

Believe it or not, there was a time in the nineties when Pauly Shore saying "hey buuuuddy" or "chilling with the wease" was actually funny. This was until everyone finally got sick of it and it lost its magic. There was also a time when Wayne's World and their mullets had taken the box office by storm until people had seen every angle to the humor and it too...lost it's magic. When people are ready to revisit these movies in twenty years, we will maybe have a few laughs once again. This is the way of the world, nothing last forever. If humor and interest didn't have an ebb and flow, Jerry Lewis movies would have their own 24 hour channel and our taste would never evolve. So my question is...when is the newness, hipness, or repetitive humor of smoking weed ever going to finally take a rest? When will it not be a mandatory scene in every film to have the main characters smoke weed with rap playing in the background (that makes it ironic) while talking about who the best Batman was or who was the hottest out of Betty and Wilma on the Flintstones?

Apatow - I'm afraid you have the most pull so it's got to start with you. I know that this is not an actor playing certain characters like an Austin Powers where you can just stop making Austin Powers movies when you see that people have had their fill. It's just scenes in otherwise mostly decent films, but many filmmakers are now making entire movies out of this subject with no heart or humor involved. They figure if they put someone smoking weed on the DVD cover with some reference to weed in the title that they'll have an instant hit. Sad thing is, the groupthink actually has taken hold enough for these films to do pretty well no matter how bad they are. Some filmmakers will continue to make movies about smoking weed and going for the cheap laughs, but maybe if the big names in the industry stop, then the Benson's of the world will eventually stop and then the "serious" docs will finally give it a rest for a while. I thought the scene from Transformers 2 (mom with pot brownies) would finally put an end to the madness but I guess some people still think it's hilarious.

I don't have enough interest in the subject of marijuana to watch any documentaries on the subject. I have no stance on whether it should be completely legal or not because I think that the verdict is still out on a lot of the issues that surround smoking pot in general. I do lean more toward the libertarian side of not caring what someone does in their own home as long as it's not hurting anyone else. Stoners, ALL that I'm asking is PLEASE stop flooding my Netflix Watch Instantly queue with movies about Marijuana. New Releases - Recently Added - Comedies - TV Shows - Documentaries - even Romance. There are documentaries and TV shows that try to take a serious look at its legalization (it seems like they are going to make a documentary for each state as they legalize it) and there is literally a ton of wasted time and money on stoner comedies. Growing up, we had Cheech and Chong - those movies had some humor but they weren't comedy gold that need to be imitated for generations.

People are so brainwashed into relating smoking pot with being hip and funny that all you have to do to have a mediocre stand up show in Anytown, California is stand there with your eyes half closed, a mike in your hand, and slowly say, "I smoke pot." You will get cheers and applause that will carry you through the rest of your lame show where you continue to beat on this same freaking drum until the next "cool" comedian comes on stage and talks about how much pot he smokes. You know, being that most people have enough on their plate besides caring if stoners will be able to smoke legally or not I don't see why this subject hasn't been dropped already. "Ebola, Isis and another story today from Denver about the rise in homelessness and its possible links with the growing use in marijuana." Here we go, more tax money to more people who can't hold down a job. Great, thanks mass media for making something so lame seem soooo hip.

I'm just done with it. Some marijuana users act like it's something that's actually healthy for them - because it's of the earth? Every drug is of the earth! Cocaine from the Cocoa plant, heroin from the poppy seed, nicotine from tobacco. Smoking marijuana is still bad for you no matter what kind of spin you put on it and there are side effects in all it's forms that effect different people in different ways - so saying it's completely safe is ridiculous. Maybe, and I'm not sure about this because it sure does seem to be abused, there isn't so much of an addictive quality to THC as there is with alchohol, tobacco , and other drugs. I'm no expert, but I'm sure the more people use the more we will find out , and I'm betting it won't be all sunshine and uncontrollable laughter while you still somehow manage to hold down your 6 figure job like they do in the movies.

What's the last Seth Rogen movie made where he wasn't smoking weed? And people still laugh every time! I stopped laughing when Wile E Coyote fell of that cliff, uuuh...probably the 5th time I saw it, and I was ten! What is going on? I can see some humor in it every now and then but it is NOT as COOL or FUNNY as these people think it is. Do it all you want but please stop using it for a cheap laugh because yeah, the 15 year olds in the theater might giggle but the rest of us (who aren't laughing loudly to be cool) have seen it all before and the charm has worn off. And if you're doing it so the stoners in the audience will laugh, they are already too busy laughing about the way their straw sounds in their cup so why even try?

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 5

Tolkien

I now know why many of the great writers smoked. There is a creative kick that comes from nicotine that I really do miss. I guess I started young enough to not realize this effect, but now that it's gone I notice it big time. I hope that is a feeling that I haven't lost...

I still have a good amount of brain fog. Not as tired anymore, but just as grouchy. Last night was the hardest night yet. I truly don't know how I made it through. I miss that clear headed feeling (hard to describe) that I get from nicotine, after a meal especially. It really sucks to not have that little reward system. Sometimes when I'm done with a project or chore, I crave that hit just as bad as after a meal. There is this feeling in my head that something is clogged and if only I'd give it nicotine, it would open everything up (mentally). But, I know that this will eventually go away.

Too bad that there are such horrible side effects with tobacco use because I would be smoking like a chimney. After lunch today I felt like something was missing and it made me a little sad when I realized it was the nicotine, because it's not like a piece of gum or mint will ever give that same satisfaction. The people that tell you to buy a lot of gum and hard candy really don't know what it's like to be addicted to nicotine. Those are the people that must have smoked 5 or 6 cigarettes a day. "Oh yeah, chew on this piece of gum and you won't be pissed at the world anymore," they say. Now, I have a jaw that is sore from chewing gum on top of being pissed at the world.

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 3

So tired...Would still love to have some nicotine to break through this chemical barrier in my head. Have a few people to apologize to but I will wait until this is all over and just get it all done at once. I am less anxious than I thought - just crave the hit. Hardly anyone knows I'm doing this. I don't need the pressure and the early congrats can be a little degrading (or seem so at least). Everyone gets to tell you how disgusting they think your habit is before you are even done getting over it. At this point, they may still have to deal with it so I don't need to hear their future disappointment.

sturdyminded: Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 3 http://t.co/LzC2taXoZP
— parker todd (@sturdyminded) October 15, 2014

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 2

Yesterday wasn't too bad, but today I will take nicotine in just about any form available - cigarette, chewing tobacco, gum, tea, vapor - whatever. I might end up like Michael Douglas in Falling Down where I just park my car on the side of the rode and lose my mind by the time this is over. This morning, I woke up mad at the world and a little more anxious than I expected to be. I stopped at a convenient store on the way to work and everything just ticked me off. Someone had the nerve to walk right in front of me in the parking lot and while I was checking out, the guy in line behind me was talking real loud to the cashier like anyone gives a crap about what he has to say! Wait until it's your turn, you loudmouth.

I'm kind of going back and forth between being pissed at the world and being in a complete brain fog where everything seems petty. I did read that nicotine has the tendency to make things into a bigger deal than they are, which probably explains some of this haze I'm in and the not giving a crap about certain stuff that would normally bother me. Of course, there's some stuff that I usually don't get upset about that's making me ridiculously ticked off. Maybe I shouldn't drive for a few days?

Someone I talk to daily (on the phone at work) said I didn't sound like myself - they thought it was probably the job getting to me. Well, the job isn't helping and I probably grumble more than I should but it's mainly the nicotine withdrawal this time. The next two days were supposed to be very busy and I really didn't know how I was going to handle it but God took care of it (yes, I believe that more everyday). Those appointments were cancelled until later in the month, so my week is looking a little better (like I might make it). There are just too many coincidences that help me through that I can't chalk up to pure chance anymore. After reading this the other day, I've learned to just keep praying and things will work out for the best.

Sometimes, I kind of like this feeling because it can be numbing in a good way. There really is a fogginess and I can almost feel how it would lift with one hit of nicotine. I can almost feel the effects just by thinking about it. I know that this happens with a lot of substance abuse. The person that is addicted can sometimes get hints of the upcoming high before they even have the drug in their possession.  I know it'll eventually pass though (one hour at a time) and getting past this addiction will be something I've needed to do for quite a while.

What's really dumb is that I was completely over this addiction about 2 years ago until I bummed a cigarette off of a co-worker (after months of not even a craving). After a few days of bumming here and there, I wound up starting back at square one.  I'm fighting against my bodies normal routine of getting it's normal fix and right now it's freaking my mind and body out. I just have to make sure I don't let any other addictions take it's place. I have already noticed that I'm eating a little more than normal. At the store I was looking on the shelf for something that had had the look of tobacco (very strange). I guess beef jerky would have been close or maybe some sun flower seeds that tasted like a mix of salt and dirt shoveled up in Kentucky?
--
I feel like I'm missing some of my creativity - not sure what parts of the brain nicotine lights up as far as that goes. I have also had to proofread almost every sentence about 5 times. I will be glad when this crap is over.

Wisdom and Action

If you'll notice, usually what people talk about the most is what they're most concerned or proud about. Most of what people think, talk, and write about is what's on the forefront of their minds. Likewise, when someone reads a quote or hears a talk that has an impact on them, it's because it's something that was on their mind. When people consider ways to improve themselves or their situations, they usually study up on what is bothering them the most or something that they need to work on. It is usually through struggle that people tend to search for answers. It is usually in a time of crisis that we find the strength to put what we've learned to the test and start to look for meaning through spiritual methods such as prayer.

This does make me wonder. Did Marcus write his meditations to overcome his weaknesses? Did he stray from his own wisdom often? Did those close to him see a different side of him, a part that did not follow his own advice? I would imagine so. Why else would he need to re-motivate himself. So often, we know what we should do and yet we don’t do it. This is when we fall from virtue. If I were perfect, I doubt I would need to write about how to strive for perfection. heroicstoic

Knowing what we should do and doing it can be challenging. We should cultivate good eating habits now to avoid health problems down the road, but many of us will not change our diets until we actually have a health issue that is the result of a poor diet. The same can be said for smokers that don't decide to quit until it's effected their health. It's part of our nature to go along doing what feels good and what deadens the bad feelings that we have now, avoiding changes that hurt in the short term but will make us happier in the long term. We can learn everything there is to learn about a subject, but until we use this knowledge in the real world it's pretty worthless. Trial and error is the key. Expecting perfection right from the start will only set you back. Avoidance will only make certain situations worse. Realize where improvement can be made and keep moving forward until that problem is a distant memory. It's hard to be in a good mood when we are struggling with something, so why not take the steps necessary to overcome the struggle? Life is too short to let depression, anxiety, and addiction keep us down.

When the World Gives Up on You

Where does strength come from when the world has given up on you? Does it come from within, a higher power, that one friend or family member that hasn't given up on you? Sometimes it's from all of the above working together, but sometimes, at your darkest hour, it's just you and God. You can have the support of family and friends all day after a loved one dies, but after the funeral is done and you are lying in bed, your spouse asleep beside you, it's still only you and your thoughts, and we all have that moment of 'hopefully God knows what I'm feeling, because apparently no one else has a clue.'

We all worship something - whether it's money, the opinions of others, the opposite sex, God, your talent, entertainment, exercise...the list goes on. But until you realize that worshiping earthly things and thinking about things in a horizontal way leads us down the same paths over and over, it's hard to move forward. If we don't see that there is a higher power, something bigger than all of this, most find they are stuck in a rut. Call it a crutch, but if this is it - the world is crap for a lot of people, for no reason at all, and with no redemption in sight.

When things are looking bleak for us we soon realize people have their own lives to live and problems to deal with. They sometimes no longer have the energy to give 3rd and 4th chances to us. You will notice after you've spent some time just conversing with God in these hours of darkness - a true 'this is who I am - what is going on?' back and forth, that sooner or later He brings helpful and, often, life-saving people into your life when you are ready for them. He might also remove those from your life that aren't good for you, at least temporarily. When you really quiet yourself and contemplate this, you'll see the miraculous in things and realize that coincidence, in no way, can account for what is happening when we are slowly being set back on our feet.

The actor Robert Downey Jr. has never claimed to be Christian, but did say that Catholicism saved his butt in jail a few times. If anyone has gone from the top to the bottom, and then back to the top (all while in the public eye) it's Robert Downey Jr. It seems that there are a lot of different ideas of what religion and God mean to Downey, depending on which article you read, but when you hit rock bottom you do realize that people and money are not the answer to all of your problems. There is something spiritual, something bigger. So while I'm on a different trajectory theologically than Downey (myself being Christian) I do see how outlooks change when a person goes from 'this is all there is' to 'there is something bigger out there that has actually saved my life'.

Robert Downey Jr. is one of the most prolific actors of our time. If you kept up with his career in the late nineties you would have thought that his days as a mainstream actor would be over. From 1996 through 2001 it was arrest after arrest for drug related charges. Just when you thought he was done with drugs for good, he would be in trouble for the same issue months later. In 1999 he told a judge, "It's like I have a shotgun in my mouth with my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of gun metal." In other words, he knew his addiction was killing him, but he liked it too much to stop.

Downey mentioned, at one time, that he was introduced to drugs by his father at eight years old. Most of us grow up knowing what normal behavior is because of our parents, we then adapt to fit that normal. If their normal isn't what is acceptable by the rest of society we usually don't realize this until our teenage years, and what a time that can be to learn this. In order to 'fit in' with other teenagers we then have to adapt to a new normal. To make it more complicated, we are also looking for something to rebel against at this age, but how do you rebel against the family group who sees almost everything as acceptable. Your perceptions of right and wrong, good and bad, can become very skewed. This leads the rebellious teenager to go further than most would in order to experience the same rebellious testing that a normal teenager would.

On Oprah in 2004 he said of his struggle with addiction, "You can reach out for help in kind of a half-assed way and you'll get it and you won't take advantage of it. It's not that difficult to overcome these seemingly ghastly problems...what's hard is to decide to do it." There came a point where he couldn't play the game anymore. He grew up learning a craft which taught him how to be good at 'playing pretend' or essentially lying. Acting was something that gave him a lot of acclaim and accolades, but perhaps why he was able to get away with his harmful addictions for so long. It's one thing when your spouse or child comes home drunk, they tell you they aren't, but you can see right through it. But what about the spouse, child or friend that is on par with the likes of a Pacino or Brando. By the time he finishes his story you will likely be helping him get in the shower because of the pepper spray that got on him after some armed guy tried to mug him. He tells you his girlfriend sprayed the mugger, but he got some in his eyes during the struggle - and "yes, of course I'm acting strange, I was almost just killed." Needless to say, not only was addiction an issue in Downey's life, but his acting and fame probably only helped to perpetuate it.

With his past hanging over him like a cloud, there were some independent films through the late nineties and the Elton John video in 2001. He was even nominated for an Emmy after joining the cast of Ally McBeal, but it still wasn't the "larger than life/brat pack" RDJ that the world had known before. Mel Gibson gave Downey his first lead role in a film after his last stint in jail. The movie didn't do well financially but it did get Downey back to a job that he loved doing. Gibson was one of the few in Hollywood that defended Downey regularly and when Gibson started going through his own issues, Downey was quick to return the favor...

His real comeback started in 2008 with two blockbusters that put him back on the map - Tropic Thunder and Iron Man.  The quick witted yet astonishingly subtle genius of Downey came out with a vengeance in both films. Both broke box office records in their own genres and Downey was nominated for Best Supporting Actor by the Academy for his role in Tropic Thunder. Coincidence or not, a lot of this success came on the heels of his marriage to film producer Susan Levin. Like I said, some people come into our lives exactly when they are supposed to. The plan is laid out but we are so wrapped up in the troubles of today we can't see it. 

"There's no understanding for me of the bigger picture in real time in a hands-on way without her. Because it was the perfect, perfect, perfect matching of personalities and gifts."

How do you go from having the police called on you because you were so high you fell asleep in a stranger's house to sitting front and center at the Academy Awards? It's bursting through barriers that the world has set out for you (which are really just mirages), realizing you aren't the center of the universe, letting go of the past, and learning how to be a man.  

If you watch interviews before and after his struggles you will see the transition from boy to man. Some of us have to grow up early, some of us much later, but you are thankful when it happens. It's usually only through struggle that we do learn what it is to be a man. Better to have struggled and come out stronger than to have never struggled and die like a teenager listening to Morrissey and playing Call of Duty, all the while saying woe is me as you slip into a fast food induced diabetic coma. 

Being a man means you own up to your mistakes and wring every drop of wisdom you can get out of the experience. It means you go to work and do that job to the best of your ability in order to support your family. It also means you are there, no longer the guy who's always on to the next adventure, wanting to be in the spotlight. Your ego shrinks and your influence grows. When you become a man, you start to think of others more and being a husband and father gives you the opportunity for that. When you are a boy, you may mistakes, like leaving your wife and kids because of weakness or selfishness, but as a man you face things head on and you keep your promises. 

This past June - Downey's son Indio was arrested for felony cocaine possession. Instead of blaming society or the other people in the car with his son, like a lot of us do in this day and age, Downey said, "Unfortunately there's a genetic component to addiction and Indio has likely inherited it. Also, there is a lot of family support and understanding, and we're all determined to rally behind him and help him become the man he's capable of being. We're grateful to the Sheriff's department for their intervention, and believe Indio can be another recovery success story instead of a cautionary tale."

So, where does that strength come from when the world has given up on you? They've counted you out and you, yourself don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Think about the years of being the butt of jokes and all of the people that counted him out the next time you see Robert Downey Jr. on a billboard in Times Square. When you see a large, beautifully crafted church that worships a man who said, "Don't take the best seat, but rather the least" - think about how this man was counted out to the point where they murdered him at 33 years old. When you see any man who's come from the pits and mire and has reclaimed his life in such a way that it is an inspiration to others, you should know that anything is possible. Look at King David. He's held up as this great king, but he wasn't perfect. He saw a woman that he wanted and sent her husband to the front lines to be killed so he could have her. How many of you have committed murder? So, if God can change David's heart and make a murderer great again, why not you? He decides who will be great and respected in this life for many different reasons. We won't all be famous actors, rich, or certainly not any type of king, but there are these little windows into 'the plan' that you can see, even in your darkest hour, if you only search for it. 

When you are invited by anyone to a marriage feast, don’t sit in the best seat, since perhaps someone more honorable than you might be invited by him, and he who invited both of you would come and tell you, ‘Make room for this person.’ Then you would begin, with shame, to take the lowest place. But when you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place, so that when he who invited you comes, he may tell you, ‘Friend, move up higher.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at the table with you. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."   Luke 14:7-11

Don't Avoid Progress

We have all gone through different fazes in our lives that we look back on and regret. Sometimes, it's how we wronged someone else or the way we handled a situation that (if we could go back in time) we would now handle differently. But often, we regret what we didn't do. What we didn't do were things that could have possibly smoothed over the mistakes we made and also led us down much more enriching paths. How many times have you heard someone in their later years say they always wanted to learn to play the piano, go to Europe, skydive, or own their own business? What we didn't try at may have added so much to our lives if had given it a go. The different possibilities of 'what could have been' are endless. Even if we try and fail, we end up on the path we are supposed to be on.

Looking back (for me), it was when I was engaged in something I enjoyed that I was actually living. I don't mean doing something unproductive like watching TV or playing video games. It was when I was being productive in some way - whether it was art, business, exercising, spending time with family and friends, or just learning something new. When I was failing and succeeding, working and producing, having stimulating conversations with people - these are the things you will remember at the end of your life - not a marathon watching of Breaking Bad.

One of the reasons that we don't keep moving forward and trying new things is the fear of failure, but failure is productive in its own way. Of course, we try to avoid it, but when failure does happen it's always a learning experience. None of us seeks it out, but it happens to the best of us regardless. The only reason failure wouldn't be a learning experience is if we died from it.

"Habits start as cobwebs and end up as chains."
Old Spanish Proverb

Downtime is nice. A rainy day of watching TV or playing video games and doing nothing else can be a good reset but it's not a reset if it's your daily routine. Try going a few days without television and then turn it on and play catch up on your DVR for a few hours. You'll find that it much more enjoyable. This works with a lot of our leisure activities, not just TV. It also works with food. If you enjoy cheesecake, it's much more enjoyable if you eat it once a month than if you eat it twice a day. The experience is no longer an experience when it becomes a habit.

There is a yin and yang to this life. Even if you are a millionaire that has no responsibilities - you will, at some point, experience pain. Pain cannot exist without joy and joy cannot exist without pain. So, there really is no such thing as being joyful every moment of your life on this earth. Everyone we know, including ourselves, will die some day. There is no joy in that, but the fact that you have the years in-between to enjoy certain people is a blessing that you don't appreciate until that person is gone. You can't really know how great it feels to sit in front of a fan after a shower on a hot day unless you just got through mowing your yard in 100 degree weather. If you just wake up, take a shower, and then sit in front of a floor fan you will not get the same effect at all. You don't know good and comfortable unless you have the bad and uncomfortable to compare it to.

You don't know how good of a job you have unless you've worked worse jobs. You don't appreciate the rain until you are in the desert, parched and walking towards mirages. Monks had this philosophy. They took it to the extreme but there is something psychological about their methods that worked. We were made for work, even monotonous work. We weren't made to be entertained by a colorful box for 11 hours at a time watching other people live their lives. There are many in the movie, television, and music industry that don't even own a TV or go to the movies. The magic is gone when you see behind the curtain.

I'm not saying we should wake up in a state of panic. Don't make yourself miserable with telling yourself that you have to take advantage of everything that comes your way. Not every idea is a good one, but you will know the correct path when you see it and the biggest obstacle is just to start down that path. Rome wasn't built in a day. The worthwhile things will usually take time and effort. It's the steady forward movement of trying that gets you to the finish line. If you start out in a panic, running too fast - you'll burn out before you get to the end of that path. I've noticed from past experiences that when I do this I usually don't get the results expected quickly enough and I wind up giving up. How many different hobbies does a man go through in his life? I have a guitar that I haven't touched in years, a set of golf clubs that have barely been used, a lot novels with first chapters, and a bunch of art supplies that were seldom used.

Fear can be a key to motivation, but it isn't a lasting incentive to get things done. When your boss gives you a deadline and your job is on the line if you don't make the deadline - it's motivational, but not the kind of motivation that last. There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep your job but if you had a job that made you happy and that you didn't dread on Sunday nights then there would be a self-motivation involved, not a fear-motivation. You would want to get to work on Monday so that you can do what needs to be done. Your creative juices would be flowing, your attitude would be lighter and you would accomplish much more and do so with much better results.

This is not a photograph - This is a pencil drawing

Sometimes, I like to look at progress the way certain artist do. Their patience can be astounding, especially with artist that do meticulous work. Kelvin Okafor does photo-realistic pencil art. What makes him a master of his craft? He didn't just pick up a charcoal pencil and find that he had this unnatural ability....

"I work for four hours in one go, take a half-hour break, work another four to five hours, then have another half-hour break. After that I’ll work for as long as I can. Sometimes I might work ten to 15 hours in one day. It takes me on average 80 to 100 hours to do a portrait. When I draw I'm doing something I love. I lose myself in my art. Time doesn't matter to me." - Kelvin Okafor

Kelvin is just one example of an artist that will work on one section of a piece for hours. There are oil painters and sculptors that do the same. They become immersed in their work and they enjoy what we would see as monotonous. Just because we aren't artist (in the commercial sense of the word) doesn't mean that what we do doesn't have an art to it. If you work at a grocery store and you are stocking shelves, you can find an art even to this. The cans can be lined up evenly on a clean shelf with the labels facing outward. The rows and colors uniform. If you stocked this way and stepped back to look at your progress you would have a sense of pride in the creation. This is much better than the sense of monotony you used to have and the dread of having to do it again tomorrow. There is art to be seen in almost everything you do....

Competitive bodybuilders spend 4 or 5 hours in the gym everyday. They watch every morsel of food that goes into their bodies and slowly but surely there bodies display the results. It's a process that can take years, but they find (somewhere in themselves) the motivation to achieve this goal. They are no different than you or I on the inside. The only difference is they had a goal and they kept at it until it became a reality. Not all of us have this goal, but If we could spend half of this time on any hobby we would master it. They've even done studies on it. Malcolm Gladwell says that the key to success in any field is practicing that task for 10,000 hours. He calls it the "10,000-hour rule". So, if you want to master that guitar that's been collecting dust in the corner get ready to spend a good amount of time playing it. Don't do like I did and put it down after a month because I thought by then I should be playing like Tim Reynolds.

Many of us do the same thing with dieting. We try eating healthier and exercising, but if we don't see the results in a week's time we go back to our old bad habits. We have to keep in mind that time keeps moving and what we do with the now will soon be gone. So, if you take it day by day you will eventually wake up one morning and realize you are there. Today is just another day in the process. Why go backwards when we can move forwards? You tell yourself, "I can make it through this day without eating foods that are bad for me," and then you tell yourself the same thing tomorrow, and you keep this going because what is there to fear? Are we going to die if we don't eat a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream? When it clicks that you want something enough to make sacrifices for it, you will start to see results.

Now, do we all have this luxury of working 100 hours on some excel form our boss needs that should only take about 30 minutes? Of course not. But, there are those things that need to be done right and this takes patience and practice, fails and successes. The key is to stick with it. You will fail. You will have to scrap the whole thing sometimes and start from scratch - but when you start again, you start with more knowledge having learned from past mistakes. This is much easier to do when you see the art in your work. The more you care about it, the better you will become at it because you won't let setbacks end the endeavor.

We are all creators and the process of creating makes us happy. As far as those deadlines that your boss has and that job that you just can't find a smidgen of art to - the job you have come to hate. Well, you find the thing that does make you want to get up in the morning and you work on that in your free time. You work on that until it becomes apart of your identity. Then maybe one day, when someone ask you what you do for a living, you don't have to reluctantly tell them you are an accountant or whatever your job is that you find no pleasure in. You might be able to say that you used to be an accountant but now you are a writer, an artist, a barber, a business owner (whatever that dream of yours is) and that you are actually making a living off of this dream. What a great life this would be. To live on your own terms. Not to live for some else's dreams to be realized but for your own dream to be realized.  Don't get me wrong, the world needs accountants, but it needs accountants that love what they do.There are so many of us in positions (even positions of power) that leave us unfulfilled, but if we never try to change this how would we ever know that our lives could have been different when we look back on them?

In the movie Gladiator, Maximus tells his soldiers just before a fierce battle -

"Three weeks from now, I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it will be so. Hold the line! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you're already dead!"

Read It Until It Sinks In - Mental Armor

Most well armed guards and police officers never have to fire their weapons. Not only is the individual coming at them deterred by the Armor and weaponry but the officer themselves feel safer and this allows them to approach individuals when needed without shooting a round off in the air. There will be some cases in life when you do have to use your sword and shield in turn, but you must be practiced to use both skillfully.

Mentally, this can be done with reading and learning new ways of living.  There are so many great quotes and historical examples out there; but when we are in a rough situation how many of us think of that quote or bible verse which directly correlates with the present situation? I would guess not many of us. Most of us probably go back to our old programming and then remember or read that passage again later and remember - "Oh yeah - that's how I was supposed to handle that," or "Oh yeah, I shouldn't have let that person get to me like that."

I keep a small notebook with me that contains my favorite quotes and passages. This has helped me and after a while I start to remember these passages and my mind will bring them to the forefront when I need them most. It's just a matter of the brain going through it's catalog of reactions and ways of being until it finds the correct one - the one that is usually best, unless I'm currently reading Helter Skelter and nothing else. 

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with recreational reading. We just need to always have some intellectual and philosophical reading in between that pertains to how we are to live our lives. That part of our brains needs refreshing more often than our pop culture knowledge. Just because a book is a couple of thousand years old doesn't mean we can dismiss it for a Dean Koontz novel. Never underestimate those that have lived non-fictional lives and the intellect they attained from it - no matter when they lived. This is why those books are still being studied in universities around the world while Christine is not.

To give an example of what I mean by mental armor, let me give you an example of what happened to me today that I don't really want to relive but for the sake of this article it proves my point. I have a horrible boss. I have about three bosses that I speak to regularly and one that I speak with about once a week that likes to act like he's a high school football coach. Of course, that makes me his quarterback that needs a good helmet-shaking and yelling at on the sidelines every once in a while to keep me on my toes. That's fine when you're 16, but when you're 40 it's not as motivating.

I won't go into details, but today he was 'disappointed' in me, pretty much said I was an idiot and that I wasn't the guy he hired - among a long list of crap and condescending dialogue that I had to bite my tongue through. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I'm also in management and would never talk to any of the 50 or so people I manage the way he feels free to speak to me. I've learned how to get what I need out of people without making them feel worthless. There is already a sense of nervousness when the boss is around so you usually don't have to add your degrading insults to get results. 

Littered throughout this blog and my Tumblr page are quotes that I find worthy for study and memorization. I'm fairly new to Stoic Philosophy (just having been inspired by "The Obstacle is the Way") but I have been reading the Bible for quite some time. Today, I realized that my study, writing, and steady reading of Theology and Philosophy actually has begun to change me mentally and has begun manifesting itself on my physical environment (the world out there).

Where usually this kind of talk from this particular boss would have ruined my weekend, I was strengthened by quotes and vague remembrances of passages which kept me stable and still do. I didn't not freak out (this time) or rush to make amends. I stood strong in our conversation, took mental notes on the tidbit of productive information I could get from the conversation to help me with my current job and unemotionally made the rational decisions of how to proceed from there.

Here are a few of the things I been reading lately that came to mind and strengthened my mental armor as well as told me how to react in the heat of the moment....

From Meditations by Marcus Aurelius....

“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

“I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.”

“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.”

“When another blames you or hates you, or people voice similar criticisms, go to their souls, penetrate inside and see what sort of people they are. You will realize that there is no need to be racked with anxiety that they should hold any particular opinion about you.”

That last one helps because this guy (my boss) doesn't have a lot of fans and is obviously stressed and down on himself. His weight is out of control and from talking to some that are honest - they say they avoid talking to him at all cost. In other words, why do we care what a person thinks of us when they don't even like themselves? It's ludicrous. Maybe he should read more philosophy and theology?

"Does a man ridicule me? That's his business. It's my job to make sure that nothing I say or do deserves to be ridiculed. Will he hate me? His business again. Mine is to remain gentle and well disposed toward everyone, ready to show even this fellow the mistake in his thinking, not in a scolding tone or with a show of forbearance, but graciously and genuinely..." (link)

From the Bible

"Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. 32"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.…Luke 6:31

"It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you." (Proverbs 29:25 LB) - article


--On another note, I have started eating right and exercising again. This is one of the environmental changes I was alluding to when I mentioned earlier that the mental can change the physical realm. I've removed the gluttony that came from bad thinking and stress and have decided to take the steps toward better health. It is true that your thought life effects all aspects of your life.

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Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

The Bible