Putting Things Into Perspective

Not to be morbid here, but there is a way of thinking can actually help you separate the bull from the important while you're here for this short time on earth. It's meditating on the fact that you and everyone you know will die - most within the next 60 years.

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking that you have something to lose. You are already naked. There's no reason not to follow your heart." - Steve Jobs


Deep down none of us wants death. We might even say we wish we were dead at times but if God said "Okay," and we felt a horrible sharp pain in our chest most of us would probably change our minds pretty quickly. Of course, we all want to die in our sleep without feeling any pain when that unavoidable time comes. None of us wants to be slowly crushed by a car or stabbed 50 times in the ass until we bleed out. But, even if we avoid dwelling on that moment of death (which is probably healthy) there is no denying that this life that you are now living as you read these words is going to end.

This usually brings up the cliches like - "Life is short. Don't waste it. Live to the fullest," bull but even those of us on this planet that are living in utter poverty, not knowing where our next meal is coming from and sometimes in abusive situations are still clinging to life. They aren't living life to the fullest but they still aren't ready to die. Is it because we don't have the courage to take our own life or is it because no matter how pessimistic we may seem, something inside of us is telling us that something can change, something good can happen, and we don't want to miss out on that no matter how far fetched of a miracle it may seem? After all, miracles do happen everyday so why couldn't one happen to us? Besides, it would be selfish to put others in a state of misery because we've decided to check out early wouldn't it?

Five to one, baby
One in five
No one here gets out alive, now
You get yours, baby
I'll get mine
Gonna make it, baby
If we try.

Jim Morrison 


Life is hard. There are very few people on this earth that don't deal with strife. No matter how much money they have, who they are married to, how well behaved their kids are etc., none of us escapes this life without pain, and of course none of us gets out alive. So, instead of saying enjoy every moment (because that's an impossibility) I will instead say that when we do face troubles we should contemplate both the fact that nothing is permanent, you aren't the first and you won't be the last to have these feelings, and finally that the simple fact that you could die tomorrow makes that issue you have going on at work or the anxiety your having over speaking in front of a group seem petty and/or a waste of your energy.

The ancient world, and the Renaissance, had a good method of dealing with anxiety, which I find still works – the memento mori, or reminder of Death. Ancient philosophers, particularly the Stoics, would train themselves to consider Death , to consider how everything around them would turn to dust, how they themselves would soon be eaten by the worms, and forgotten by everyone on earth. - Jules Evans

In the Christian tradition there is also the concept of death of the body not being such a bad thing. When reading Paul's writings you can clearly see that he accepts the fact that he is still on the earth for a reason but he's more than ready to go "home" when God sees fit because there is no END even if it seems so to us at the present. There is only being absent from the body.

We are confident, I say, and owilling rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. - 2 Corinthians 5:8

North American Brats

It is pretty well known that the rich and/or very comfortable are quicker to anger than those less "fortunate". Those who have struggled or worked hard for what they have tend to be more even keeled because they don't expect the world to cater to their needs. They simply want to be able to support themselves and their families and be happy as often as possible. They don't have the need for the kind of money that gives power and stirs up the talk of jealous flatterers. They don't expect handouts from anyone else when they are perfectly capable of helping themselves. They keep their dignity intact whenever possible. Though they may struggle at times and people do help them out, they are thankful for the help and don't feel entitled to it.

What rich is for one person can mean a totally different thing to another, but the higher the pay scale the higher the agitation over the petty seems to be also. Those who aren't financially rich, but lead very comfortable lives collecting some kind of income that keeps them from having to work, very often obese, and dependent on others for their needs can also become agitated and angry when their comforts aren't to their liking. Sometimes they are worse than the rich because (unless it's old money), the rich usually do some type of work that, on occasion, may give them a sense of the real world.

At one very expensive restaurant (that I go to about once a year) I overheard some women complaining about the color of the napkins. They asked the waiter what had happened to the black napkins that used to come with their silverware. They were not happy with the white and this whining continued until the waiter was able to round up some black napkins. If this country goes through some type of crash like we saw in 1929, there will be a biblical gnashing of teeth people will have so much to be angry about. Imagine complaining about your Netflix selections being poor and then there is no electricity for 3 months. Imagine if we couldn't afford to eat out 3 or 4 times a week or if we had no cell phone service. People would literally lose their minds.

It seems that the more comfortable we get, the angrier we get when something threatens that comfort. There is an agitation that is triggered which might not be there if we hadn't become spoiled. A lot of this bratty behavior is actually because we think we deserve these things (like a spoiled child) while we ignore all of the small blessings we receive daily.

"Surely you have seen how anger increases with every increase in fortune? It shows up especially in the rich, in the noble, in high officials - anything irresponsible or foolish in their minds has a favorable breeze to raise it aloft. Prosperity fosters bad temper..." - Seneca

Instead of being surprised and subsequently upset when things aren't going the way we want them to; we should be thankful for the things that did go well and accept the fact that being upset over that which we cannot control is useless. If your job is to work the desk at an airport, you should know that every now and then you're going to have to deal with upset customers. To be aghast and so angry that you're in tears every time you have one of these customers would be ridiculous because it is expected. So, weird as it is to say, being the eternal optimist may backfire on you if you expect everything to always go your way. That's not how the world works. It's full of people that want things their way, and normally someone has to give in order for someone else to receive. If you're not expecting bad days and moments to come your way, then when they do, your inner brat will surface and make it even worse.

All I Need to be Complete

“Put your hope in God, not just in external beauty, and put your hope in God, not a man.” Years ago, my wife and I went to see Jerry Maguire. There’s this scene where Renée Zellweger and Tom Cruise in the elevator and this man and women come in, and they’re kind of all over each other basically making out in the elevator. And then he backs up and he signs (he’s deaf) something to the girl, and then she kisses him. And Renée was like, “Aw!” And then she tells Tom, “He just said, ‘You complete me.’” And then if we fast forward to the end of the movie, Tom Cruise runs into this living room where there are all these really bitter, angry women. He throws down his bags and says, “I’m good in the living room. They used to always send me into the living room. I could go into the living room and close the deal, so let’s just do this. Tonight was a very big night for our little experiment. Tonight was a very big night for our little company, but it wasn’t nearly as good as it could have been. It wasn’t nearly what it could have been because you weren’t there. You complete me.” And Renée was choking back the tears going, “Shut up. You shut up. You had me at ‘Hello.’” And everybody was like, “Aw, that’s so sweet!” Everybody was like that in the theater. . .but me. That idea is a steaming pile of garbage. That idea that has woman after woman after woman on the search for a unicorn.

Matt Chandler of The Village Church, The Path - Part 7: Sanctification in Marriage 10-25-2009

I Can Only Take So Much Petty and It All Seems Petty

I'm not talking about Tom Petty, he has some decent stuff, and although I'm sure I could get sick of him pretty quickly, what I'm talking about is making mountains out of molehills. I'm talking about the pretentiousness and overstating of the simple to the point where it's just someone that really is in love with the sound of their own voice and what little power it may wield. When you get to a certain age you realize that you are 'the adult', which makes it harder for you take other 'adults' as seriously as you once did because they aren't speaking the truth like we thought they ALL did when we were children. We've learned that most of our fellow adults are just bigger kids with more experience that have learned the art of BS. 

For instance, lately its been harder for me to take something that is said in a business meeting or conference call with any real earnestness. Do these conversations have any bearing and/or reason? Yes. Should these conversations be taken as seriously as the people in these meetings would like them to be taken? In all likelihood - no. Believe me, I've spent a lot of hours in these types of environments and 90 percent of what is a such a 'big issue' is really not even close to being detrimental. If it is detrimental, it's usually because of the effect that it can have on someone much higher up's paycheck.

I think I still know how to play the game and act like I care but sometimes it's hard to hide my lack of interest. I still care about people, I just don't care a lot about playing the game anymore. I will swap stories with you for hours, that's fine - I just don't want to hear you talk to yourself about all of your accomplishments and awards while using corporate jargon that is meant to confuse when it's really just mind numbingly simple catch phrases. 

I literally have twenty to thirty minute conversations about things going on at work that could be narrowed down to a 20 second conversation. I could make a one or two sentence note on what needs to be done or what needs to be changed in my stupid daytimer and it's over, done, problem solved. Lately, I'm feeling like Coach Belichick in a press conference where I feel like I've adequately answered the question once so there is no reason to keep talking about it. I'm open to input that would help any situation, but other than that let's move forward.  The gift of gab runs its course after a while and sometimes it's just time filler BS that makes no difference until they catch you saying something stupid. That's when you ask yourself why you were still talking in the first place.

I don't know what's going on. Maybe it's the nicotine withdrawal that's caused this existential crisis, or maybe most people could already see through all the bull and I've been gullible for most of my life. It's literally like waking up one morning and instead of seeing all of these beautiful answers to all of these complicated questions, you've woken up and the miracle is that you can see straight through the BS. I mean all of it. It's your superpower. 

You notice things that you feel stupid for not noticing before - they want you to buy their car, so they use sex and the promise of envy; you're not acting the way they want you to act or thinking the way they want you to think, so your type will be portrayed as the stupid or crazy character in that TV show. You will see this and think that you don't fit in, that something must be wrong with you. Now...if you're sympathizing with a crazy cult leader because you're a crazy cult leader, then yes - you're nuts and it's not subliminal programming to get you to conform. 

I feel as if I'm a part of a system that I didn't even try that hard to become a member of, but somehow here I am. I could always quit, start back at the bottom, but where is the fun in that? I'll probably be removed from corporate management soon enough and they will be happy to be rid of me. The fact that all of the those people (the rich and famous, rock stars, movie stars, CEO's, lawyers, doctors, bosses) that I once stood in awe of are no better than me or anyone else is an awakening. We are simply people in different circumstances, for better or worse. Sometimes we even trade places. They may have worked harder than you to achieve something, they may have been born into money, they have made their money in filthy ways, and maybe few of us deserve the good fortune we've had? The thing that does unite us all is that we love to impress and we're scared to death of disapproval or having people see some side of us we've been trained to think of as a sign that you are no longer 'worth' anything. So that Boss that was giving you a hard time is just some guy who has fears like you do and maybe that's why everything's a big deal to him. 

When you truly realize that you and everyone around you will eventually die, it changes the way you look at almost everything - life, work, relationships, money, materialism, health. Some of the changes you make when this is contemplated can be good (like spending more time with loved ones and living a fuller life), while some changes you may make in your attitude about life may make you a harder sell in the current world we live in. It could even get you removed from sets of friends or institutions. In a hundred years, you might fit in just fine with this train of thought, but in the world we live in at the moment (most people's inner dialogues being mostly full of feeling like we are special and horrible at the same time along with thinking our problems can be solved by consuming something) you seeing how short life is doesn't add to that conversation. 

If you were a business owner looking for "fired up" employees would you even hire yourself? Would you hire the guy that doesn't see the point to it all? Yeah, I might. Especially if it was sales (believe it or not). They would either be the best sales person I've ever had or the worse. It just depends on how charming their independence is. Their honesty might just be the refreshing change potential clients are looking for in this fake world that only seems to be concerned with the bottom line. With most businesses, if they do a service along the way, it's simply a side effect of how they make their money. 

It would be nice to see more businesses that think service first, but no matter how much they say this, it's rarely true. The problem remains though, that most of our issues will only be dealt with by having a healthy free market. A large government cannot solve any of the issues that are facing us. It may seem as if it is temporarily, but in the long run we become too dependent and open ourselves up to even bigger messes. If you think a company man can talk about some petty stuff, listen to a politician.

Don't get me wrong. I really don't have it that bad. There are way worse jobs. I've become so jaded by Corporate America that if I lost my current job and had to find something else, it would probably have to be something where I could just be myself (to a point). Somewhere that the game doesn't matter as much as the outcome. 

True Detective's 10 Keys to Being Weird and Cool at the Same Time

I don't know much about the writer and creator of 'True Detective' Nic Pizzolatto but his writing has some hidden gems that show us a unique version of what a truly free thinker is made of. Rust Cohle claims to be a pessimist at the start of the series but there is a virtuous (almost stoic) streak that we see develop as time goes on. These aren't rules to live by, but it's a character that has captured the hearts and minds of many. Even though we can clearly see his flaws we still root for him. He's a man who's been to hell and back but has learned to cope in a way that makes 'Cool Hand Luke' look like Barney.

1. Stay calm and don't escalate the petty stuff. Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction. The agitated will feel dumb about it later.

2. Sleeping with someone just because you can is thoughtless and weak. When you go against the natural inclination of man to have sex without reservation, it causes a respect and mysteriousness that you wouldn't attain otherwise.

3. When it comes to protecting the weak, you don't always have to play by the "rules". 

4. Don't show your hand until you're done playing the game. 

5. Let bygones be bygones.

6. Surprise a bully.

7. Don't be afraid of having deep conversations. These are the only conversations people remember.

8. Know who you are. Accept your oddness.

9. Know when it's time to move on.

10. Accept the fact that you don't have it all figured out.

Wisdom and Action

If you'll notice, usually what people talk about the most is what they're most concerned or proud about. Most of what people think, talk, and write about is what's on the forefront of their minds. Likewise, when someone reads a quote or hears a talk that has an impact on them, it's because it's something that was on their mind. When people consider ways to improve themselves or their situations, they usually study up on what is bothering them the most or something that they need to work on. It is usually through struggle that people tend to search for answers. It is usually in a time of crisis that we find the strength to put what we've learned to the test and start to look for meaning through spiritual methods such as prayer.

This does make me wonder. Did Marcus write his meditations to overcome his weaknesses? Did he stray from his own wisdom often? Did those close to him see a different side of him, a part that did not follow his own advice? I would imagine so. Why else would he need to re-motivate himself. So often, we know what we should do and yet we don’t do it. This is when we fall from virtue. If I were perfect, I doubt I would need to write about how to strive for perfection. heroicstoic

Knowing what we should do and doing it can be challenging. We should cultivate good eating habits now to avoid health problems down the road, but many of us will not change our diets until we actually have a health issue that is the result of a poor diet. The same can be said for smokers that don't decide to quit until it's effected their health. It's part of our nature to go along doing what feels good and what deadens the bad feelings that we have now, avoiding changes that hurt in the short term but will make us happier in the long term. We can learn everything there is to learn about a subject, but until we use this knowledge in the real world it's pretty worthless. Trial and error is the key. Expecting perfection right from the start will only set you back. Avoidance will only make certain situations worse. Realize where improvement can be made and keep moving forward until that problem is a distant memory. It's hard to be in a good mood when we are struggling with something, so why not take the steps necessary to overcome the struggle? Life is too short to let depression, anxiety, and addiction keep us down.

What Debbie Downer Would Say About 'Keep Calm and Carry On'

The original Keep Calm and Carry On posters were made by the British in 1939 while the world was ramping up for WWII. They were propaganda posters meant to be used in times of crisis or invasion, but were put into reserve and never used. The poster wasn't seen by the public until 50 years later when a copy turned up at a bookstore where it made such an impression on the customers that they started to sell them. 

As popular as it is now, why was the poster never distributed during the war? While the simple slogan resonates with many of us today, when you are actually in a state of stress, there are those who think that the poster is quite contradictory to how the mind works. It's also very hard to keep calm when your entire city block has just been bombed by the Germans. "Oh, all I have to do is keep calm and carry on? Easy enough." Perhaps, the Ministry of Information thought about all of this 60 years ago and this is why it wasn't framed until 2000...

It’s now clear that the poster was the result of a compromise designed to save money for the Exchequer, and that the decision to keep the poster “in reserve” was only taken after the war had begun. So it’s something of an irony that this decision was influenced by a belief that the phrase was “too commonplace to be inspiring” and official fears that “it may even annoy people that we should seem to doubt the steadiness of their nerves”. The Treasury was adamant that the public would “resent having [the message] crammed down their throats at every turn”. - theconversation.com

Why has this meme become so popular that it can be found in homes all across Europe and the United States? Is there an uneasiness about us that needs the same reassuring that the British government thought it's population needed during a possible invasion? If, throughout the day, we need to look at a poster in our homes and offices that say KEEP CALM in bold letters then perhaps we're really as nervous as hell. The popularity of these signs probably has a direct correlation with the rise in mental health issues and in the pharmaceuticals we take in order to tame these modern turbulent brains. 

When it comes to being upset about petty stuff that may cause anxiety and anger, keeping calm isn't a bad thing. It might be a good poster to have in your kitchen when you're about the throw the peanut butter jar across the room because it didn't spread right and tore your bread. However, there will be some things in life that cause you to become emotional to the point where you can't immediately carry on until you know how to. While I've always admired the stoicism of the British, sometimes it's best to sit with a strong feeling of anxiety or righteous anger and see the possible productiveness in it. Perhaps there is a reason why we have hard times. Think of all the passionate projects that have come from emotions that some of us try to suppress. Loved ones are sad to see friends and family members dying of cancer, so foundations are started and money is raised. People are concerned, saddened, and angered by the soldiers coming back from war with missing limbs and brain injuries so the Wounded Warrior Project is started. Someone is anxious about the job they have or not being able to find a job, yet they somehow turn that anxiety into an entrepreneurial excitement that makes them happier in the long run.

Yes, it will be ‘business as usual’ right up to the day when the Son of Man is revealed. - Luke 17:30

Although this meme has a soothing effect on me, sometimes keeping calm is the last thing a person or population must do when they see their economy slowly collapsing and rights being stripped from them. I can see keep calm and carry on being flashed on a neon sign in Times Square 100 years from now in an Orwellian future where camera drones make sure you don't litter. No...make that 20 years from now. Keep Calm and Carry On is great on your wall at home but should never be posted by any government or large corporation.

I remember many people, the day after 9/11, saying "business as usual" - which didn't hit the ear right at the time. It had a lack of concern about it that made me wonder if we'd become a society so consumed with money and comfort that not having a Walgreens open on 9/12/01 would have been an even worse disaster. Of course, if we weren't shopping the next day, that would've meant the terrorist won. Just like I'm wary of using the phrase "business as usual", I never want to see a keep calm poster in a bank after they've just foreclosed on my home or posted by a government after martial law has been declared. As long as it's personal artwork I think it's great, but I can see some candidate in the near future hijacking this slogan. Stay tuned for more uplifting posts like, "How Ebola Will Wipe Us All Out".

Stoicism and Christianity

"If thy faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small." - Proverbs 24:10

There is a question that has been asked more and more lately with the rise in popularity of Stoic Philosophy - Can you be both a Stoic and a Christian? To me, with my limited knowledge of Stoicism, this seems quite possible. Avoiding a label that may be considered contradictory, I consider myself to be Christian with a great interest in Stoicism and I do see how it can help us become more ethical, thoughtful, and less emotionally led people. It's a philosophy which invites the student to face their problems head on, which I've rarely done up to this point in my life. Stoic Philosophy is simple, yet intriguing and complex all at once - quite similar to the Bible and the writings of the Apostle Paul.

My first introduction into Stoicism was an article written by Ryan Holiday, which made me want to learn more. Shortly after, I read his book "The Obstacle Is the Way," a book that I can highly recommend. This made me want to delve further into Stoicism and read the Stoics themselves. I watched some videos on Stoicism that were posted on YouTube and felt I was being led down the right path after watching a Ted Talk by Jules Evans entitled "How Philosophy Can Save Your Life."  It dealt with mental disorders like social anxiety and showed me how philosophy has benefited those with similar experiences to my own.

I can't say that I'm a card-carrying Stoic yet. The label probably wouldn't fit, considering I've only read Aurelius and some Epictetus, without much practice in the real world. If you look at Stoicism as a philosophy of growth, and not the be-all, end-all to the inner workings of the human condition, then I think there is a lot that can be learned by studying these philosophers.

Going back to the original question - this podcast from the Painted Porch is a good place to start on the subject of Christianity and Stoicism. Pastor Michael Jones, who considers himself a Stoic, talks about some of the teachings that Christians have to be somewhat careful of. He discusses how Stoicism has the inclination of only teaching a person to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps," while the Christian lives life under the power of God, not just by our power alone.

I agree with the Pastor that it's hard to believe that Paul wasn't influenced by the Stoics in some way when you read the New Testament. One of the reasons that this blog has the title "The Stoic's Helmet" is because of a link between Stoicism and Christianity that I'd found on my own. Paul talks of putting on the armor of God - the helmet and the sword being the word of God...

"Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." - Ephesians 6:17

If God has created us to be creative, surely there is some of His influence in the writings of the Stoics. I may be way off base here, but maybe Stoicism was meant to influence Paul, who wrote most of the New Testament; a series of letters to the Church which still defines Christianity as we now know it.

Pastor Jones also says that, "Christians don't stand before God on our own merits but on the merits of Christ. The self-reliance of Stoicism can be a danger." I think that this is true, we have to be a bit more discerning as Christians who study the Stoics.

All in all, after listening to the podcast I would consider it just as possible for a Christian to be a Stoic as it is for an atheist to be a Stoic, considering that most of the Stoics were neither, being raised Pagan. Stoic Philosophy and Christianity both have a beauty that I find accessible and enlightening. No matter how the world changes around us, we're still the same contemplative beings, with our own difficulties and questions, that lived and died 2000 years ago.

Trying to Prove Something and the Need to Impress

"I try to keep in my mind the simple question: Am I trying to do good or make myself look good? Too many of our responsibilities get added to our plate when we are trying to please people, impress people, prove ourselves, acquire power, increase our prestige. All those motivations are about looking good more than doing good." - Kevin De Young 

I have had a problem with feeling that I have something to prove and a need to impress. When I have these feelings I need to remember that I'm coming from a place where I'm worried about what others think about me. If I wasn't worried about other's opinions then I wouldn't have anything to prove. I would just do the best I could do at what I was passionate about doing and let the work speak for itself; regardless of my need for compliments. Who am I trying to impress and why? Even if I do impress them, what difference does it make if I'm not happy? If I impress someone with the amount of money that I can make, but I'm miserable while I'm making the money, then the only benefit that I received was financial security. Having money can be a good thing, but not if I'm still miserable after I've made it. Who knows if the money's going to last?  There is nothing for sure, not even life itself. Few are satisfied with their finances, no matter how enviable it may seem to others. Enough is rarely enough.

Who are you trying to impress? Is it your parents, your wife, your kids, your friends, your co-workers? When you think about it, isn't it strange that no matter what age you are, you want to show off your new toys to a parent? Whether it's a car, a new iPad, or a movie that you think they should watch - we always want to see there reaction. If your dad is a redneck and he thinks it's funny you bought a Civic, or if your dad is an environmentalist and he's upset that you bought a Ford F250, should you care at 35 years old? Not really, but most of us still do. Parents are just one example, we get pulled in all directions by the opinions of others.

Speaking for myself, I can see a lot of times in my life where I'd made decisions based on the opinions of what others thought was best for me instead of what I thought was best. Sometimes, they saw something in me that maybe I didn't see and it worked out for the best. For instance, maybe your wife doesn't see you owning a landscaping company because you can't stand to mow the lawn at your own house. She's not taking your "dream" from you, but just trying to steer you clear of some misery further down the road. This is a good thing, but there are a lot of decisions that were clearly from the mind of someone else, that if I'd done what my gut told me instead of trying to please or impress, I'd probably be on a much better path.

There were jobs that I stayed at too long and should have quit sooner, jobs that I didn't take, or stay at long enough. There were things that I should have said that I didn't, and things that I shouldn't have said that I did.  I've made a lot of decisions because someone told me it was something I needed to do or not do, even when it went against my best interest. There were times when I should have been exercising and eating right that I didn't because someone had better plans for my day. I'm sure there are a lot of regrettable tattoos from trying to impress someone else also.

When I'm trying to impress or prove something I also find that, not only am I more susceptible to what other people think I should be doing, but that I also have much thinner skin. When I'm trying to prove myself, everything that is said about how I should have done something I take as an insult. Maybe they're joking or making a suggestion, but it feels like they are attacking my worth as a human being. Being defensive and letting myself get upset about these things only shows them how thin skinned that I am and that I am even more malleable than expected. When we lack the ability to maintain an even keel, we show others that if they want something, all they have to do is make us feel good with flattery or make us feel bad with guilt or self-loathing. These are also the typical tricks of a pushy salesman.

Don't hand over the control of your emotions to whatever comes out of other people's mouths. If you do and they are the type to take advantage, then you're in for a long ride. They will learn that when they need you to say 'yes' to something that you would like to say 'no' to, you are swayed with an eager to impress, fear of rejection, or a dread of upsetting others.

Not to say that we should be selfish with our time, just reasonable. If you are working on something less important and your boss needs a report or answer to an email that could cost the company money, by all means, we should drop what we are doing and handle it. That's part of having a job. If you think you shouldn't have to answer to anyone then you should find a way to work for yourself. In the meantime, it wouldn't make sense to keep working on the project that isn't due until the end of the year just because you're not in the mood to answer an email, unless you don't care about job security at all.

Now, if you are already working on three different things that's due within the hour and something else is dumped on you while a co-worker has nothing to do, you might want to suggest some delegation. This happens sometimes when management sees that you're a hard worker. They can take advantage of those who do good work, sometimes unconsciously, because you get the job done faster and get it done right. It can be frustrating because it give people that aren't good workers a lot of leeway and less responsibility, sometimes for the same pay. In some cases, it's because the other worker gives them flack every time they are asked to do something so they always come to you first, instead of making waves and insisting that the lazier co-worker do their job. It's similar to the saying "the squeaky wheel gets the oil," but in this case, it's more like the "squeaky wheel gets less work." In situations like this, you have to notice where the work isn't balanced and speak up. Killing yourself to prove your worth or to prove that others aren't as good as you will eventually lead to burn out. Believe me, I've been there. It's like spinning plates. You can only keep it up for so long.

So, the next time someone has a different opinion of me, a better way of doing something, or some comment on what my next step should be - I'm going to try to listen without a quick answer, think if there is something productive there, and then consider what would best for me to reach my goals without burning out before I do. Better yet, some prayer would be helpful in these situations. Sometimes the "I did it my way," steps that we take are not the best. People can have some pretty crazy needs and we can see this with the divorce rate and ridiculous spending to the point of bankruptcy on cars and houses that we can't afford, but think we deserve. God's plan is even better than the one you have for yourself. 

There are a lot of people in this country who only stop when they are asleep. Is this the life that they really wanted to live, the life that they would've chosen for themselves? When they were kids did they ever think that they would so value the opinion of someone that has "authority" over them and value money so much that they would sell their souls? I doubt that many of us fantasized about being worked to the bone, retire with a modest amount of money, and die in a nursing home. All that work, but in 50 years few will know you even existed? Why live by the opinions of what others think you should do if that's the final outcome? It happens everyday, work at a job you hate, retire, and die without even trying to pursue something you were passionate about. My dad always wanted to be a history teacher and a cartoonist. It never happened because he found a good paying job that he became stuck in. He didn't enjoy his job, but they paid just well enough that it kept him from pursuing his real passions. He got his degree to teach history, and the company he was with just paid him a little more to keep him there. I can't say that I wouldn't do the same thing. We never wanted for anything, but I'm sure there are a lot of "what ifs?" floating around in his head. He was very gifted artistically. He might have made more money in the long run doing that? He's passionate about history. Maybe he could have written something? Better to have tried and failed than to regret not trying. Not to say he's a miserable person, but I'm sure the way things turned out wasn't his dream.

There are people out there that love their jobs. It's not something that is beyond reach. Yes, society needs garbage men and janitors, but it needs garbage men and janitors that enjoy what they do. If you're doing something that is making you miserable because that is what is expected by the other people in your little world, then you will be on your deathbed looking back at a lot of meaningless and wasted time.

There are going to be people in all walks of life that are going to be competitive with you. If you're the new guy with a company, there will be those that will want to see you succeed and there will be those that want to see you fail. The ones that want to see you fail are usually not having these thoughts because they don't like you, it's usually because they're simply selfish and want to be at the top of the ladder. If they see you succeed, you are an obstacle in their way. If it works out that you are doing something better than they can, or you're working harder than they do, then they will find ways to throw you under the bus when something goes wrong or try to get others to think negatively of you. This selfishness will usually come back to bite them, but in the off-chance that it doesn't these are the kind of people at the top of the ladder that when they are finally fired, everyone goes out for drinks and has a good laugh. Dealing with these types can be difficult, but if we stoop to their level we're no better than they are. I know it's very tempting, but we have to try to stay out of the office politics and gossip as much as possible. People notice this. If they don't like trait you have, they're trouble. If they appreciate it, then you've gained respect. Either way, it doesn't matter what others think - staying out of these petty conflicts and backstabbing will make you happier and less stressed in the long run.

The constant need for approval, trying to impress, and worrying about what others think of you is a mental prison that can make you feel like you are in a physical one. Sometimes we think of worse case scenarios and it usually does involve some type of rejection. It's a hard habit to break. When you surrender to being yourself regardless and let the chips fall where they may you'll notice your fear of what people think is diminished. Each day that we spend being miserable with our circumstances, there is someone else out there, who with a lot of prayer and thought, has come to a place in their lives where they are exactly where they're supposed to be. They get up every morning and it feels like a Saturday. This is hard for me to imagine right now, but to know that it is possible triggers thoughts that take me out of my mental prison and makes me want to be braver, more apt to take chances towards a goal, and more reliant on the fact that God has a plan that always works out for the best, no matter what it seems like right now or what roadblocks I may face in the future.

Dont be a Charlie X

For some reason I've been watching a lot of Star Trek lately. I've never been a Star Trek fan so I don't know why I'm getting into it now. Maybe it's because I've run out of stuff to watch on Netflix, being that a lot of it is crap. The shows I watch (House of Cards, The Fall) -  I can catch up on in a weekend and then there are shows like Arrow and Wilfred where I have to wait months for Netflix to add the new episodes. Well, all of the Star Trek series are finished so there is no catching up to do there, just watch at my own pace. I've even thought of checking out what the draw to Doctor Who is, but it looks like watching the Star Trek series by themselves could take years. 

I recently watched an episode of the original 1966 Star Trek called Charlie X. I have never in my life thought of William Shatner as cool until I watched this episode. If you have Netflix, just check out this one episode if you're at all curious. Those early episodes are like a science fiction version of Mad Men. 

In this episode, some transport ship dumps off this teenager named Charlie onto Captain Kirk and his crew on the Enterprise. They see that the Enterprise is going in the direction of some planet that apparently this Charlie kid's colony resides. They quickly leave the ship like they are afraid of the kid. Being older, corny sci-fi, you immediately know that the kid has something wrong with him and that he is going to be a threat to the crew in some way. It's really not a mystery, but more of a character study on teens, or what they thought of teens in the 1960's. 

I'm no Trekkie, so I'm not going to try to remember every detail and name, but the Doctor checks out this Charlie kid and everything seems good physically, even though they'd found him alone on this abandoned ship with only computers to talk to since he was three. There was some explanation of how he ate and learned to speak on the abandoned ship and then it immediately goes into Charlie seeing a woman for the first time. Like I said, it's sci-fi Mad Men. 

Charlie sees crew member Janice Rand and ask Captain Kirk, "Is this a girl?" So, he's never seen a woman and this sets up this odd sexual tension between Rand and Charlie for the rest of the episode. At one point Charlie slaps her on the butt and doesn't understand why she gets so upset. She tells him he needs to speak with the Captain and maybe he can explain it. Later, she tries to introduce him to a teenage girl his own age who he's rude to because she's not Rand, later turning the teenage girl into a lizard with his telekinetic power. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that not only is Charlie an angst filled teen with what seems like Aspergers, but he also has these telekinetic powers that can melt objects, turn people into animals or inanimate objects, or just plain wipe them from existence. 

Captain Kirk, in all his manliness, wants to teach this freak some lessons on being a human, man, boy (all of the above) but of course he's very fatherly and nice about it (at least at first). He takes him to some part of the Enterprise where they teach fighting. It's some kind of 60's judo that doesn't look too effective, but Charlie doesn't get the gist of it on the first try, so he throws a little temper tantrum and says he doesn't want to do it anymore. Kirk talks him into trying a few times and then throws Charlie to the ground. One of the trainers, sitting in the corner watching, starts to laugh. Well, Charlie doesn't understand this and yells "Don't laugh at me!" while he rolls his eyes up into his head. Anytime he does this eye thing, it's apparently the cue that something is about to go down, because all that's left of the trainer is his towel after that. Kirk takes it all in stride and walks over to this huge intercom on the wall and calls for security. He promises Charlie that they won't hurt him but when they get there Charlie freaks out again and makes their ray guns disappear. Later you learn he can also break legs with this strange power. Why he doesn't just come out and tell Captain Kirk that he didn't need to learn Hippy Judo in the first place is beyond me.

So, after Kirk sees the real Charlie and what he is capable of, it just goes downhill from there for the poor kid. Rand, the woman that he has this huge crush on, continues to tell him that he is too young, Spock beats him at some kind of 3D chess (which makes no sense) and after Spock leaves the room he melts the pieces with his mind. Charlie just becomes a spoiled brat tyrant. He can't take anymore rejection from Rand so he makes her disappear. He's walking down the hall and some people are laughing in a room off to the side, not at him, but I guess he thinks so, so he yells, "Stop laughing!" and one of the females comes around the corner wihout a face (just skin - no eyes, mouth, or nose). Where once the crew thought he was just a teenager dealing with typical teenage problems, their pity quickly changes to anger.

They try to restrain him, but they can't. He even takes over the helm and controls the Enterprise with his mind, which really pisses Captain Kirk off. This is when the Captain comes up with this ingenious plan that Charlie's mind can only control so much. So they turn on everything in the ship, Commodore 64's, Atari 2600 looking monitors, lava lamps - the whole works. Charlie can't take much more when this strange green cloud of justice comes and takes him away and makes everything on the Enterprise right again. I know there is a better synopses of this out there, but I really want to get to the psychology of Charlie. How would any teen act with these kind of telekinetic powers? It probably wouldn't be pretty. 

There are those of us (on this planet) that are so overly sensitive that we can kind of be like Charlie X. We immediately think that every snicker or polite denial by a female is this huge catastrophe that must be avenged. Of course, there are also some asses out there that could use a little more sensitivity but I'm not talking about them. Those are the kind of people that think they have it all figured out anyway and would never read some blog like this. 

Charlie doesn't like to learn new things. We see this early on when he's in Mad Men Judo class with Shatner. He gives up after not getting his fall right the very first time. It isn't because he didn't want to be there in the first place. He likes to try new things, but he wants to skip the learning part. It's because he thought, with his powers, he'd immediately be an expert. Well, none of us are immediately an expert at anything (especially in the real world). In fact, most things, even those things that we have some natural abilities in, take years to master. It would be nice to learn Kung Fu within minutes like Neo in The Matrix, but we're not there yet. Charlie had no patience for this. Being told that he didn't do something right the first time, and Captain Kirk throwing him to the ground in practice hurt his ego. Your ego is always tested when you get involved with something new. It's exciting to try new things, but most of us realize there is a learning curve. There will also be the teacher or mentor that has to take us down a notch, every now and then, to keep our ego in check. Sometimes it's for our own good. Charlie didn't understand the process so he gave up immediately and became mad at the Captain. The anger was a result of his fragile ego. The bigger your ego the more fragile it actually is. 

Charlie wants everyone to like him. Throughout the episode, Charlie ask crew members if they like him. Doctor McCoy tells him that this is typical of being a teenager early on, but he still seeks approval from everyone on the ship and becomes angry whenever he feels rejected. To be liked was a big deal for Charlie because he'd spent most of his life alone and (perhaps) wanted to fit in so that he wouldn't go back to feeling alone. The problem is, the harder we try, the more we tend to push others away. It's good to be liked, but it's good to be liked for being who you are without having to force it. When it comes natural, you usually draw the right people into your life. When you force it, you can draw people into your life that take advantage of your need for their approval, which they will hang over your head at every opportunity. 

Charlie is too eager with women. He doesn't know the Brad Pitt rule. He will keep approaching the wrong woman over and over, no matter how many times he's turned down, instead of moving on. He doesn't yet realize that even if he gets a date with the woman he thinks he wants the most, he will wind up miserable because she doesn't have the same feelings for him. He confuses attraction with love. You can't love someone that you don't really know. You can feel physically attracted to them, but until you know them and they want to let you in, it's just a one-sided crush. It's best to take your cue and exit. Wait for the right one - the woman that you're attracted to and want to get to know better who also has some of those same feelings towards you. Until then, your just chasing your tail.

Charlie doesn't like to be laughed at. Sometimes it's real, most of the time it's just joking with him, and sometimes it's laughter from afar that has nothing to do with him, but Charlie assumes the world revolves around him, so all laughter must be aimed at him. We all have these bad days when it seems like it's us against the world. When we have these days, a simple jest we would normally just blow off with a return quip of our own turns into us thinking that this evil person is just after us. We might even assume they don't like us and they're having fun at our expense. Most of the time this isn't the case. The people that go after others this way usually make sure you aren't around before doing this. Charlie assumes that everyone is laughing at him. Everything is a shot to his ego. His whole being seems to depend on what other people say or do. 

Charlie doesn't know how to control his emotions, especially anger. Someone that has telekinetic powers on top of being short-tempered is obviously a bad mix. Thank goodness that none of us have these powers, because we would probably use them. Maybe not as often and to the extremes that Charlie does, but I can see a lot of people ruining someone's day with a flat tire or some other mundane annoyance. Being that he had never experienced human contact before and didn't know any of the normal societal boundaries, Charlie loses in a sparring match - makes a guy disappear. Charlie loses at chess - melts the chess pieces. Charlie is introduced to a girl his age - turns her into a lizard because he's more interested in the woman that introduced her. People noticed that he was quick to anger and Spock, being the ultimate stoic, left the room after his chess match with Charlie quite puzzled at the over-the-top reaction. When people see that you don't have emotional stability, they have different reactions but none are good. Some have pity on you, some return the anger to give you a taste of your own medicine, and some simply keep away from you - not needing the drama in their lives. In this day and age, it's usually avoidance you'll see. Why invite the guy to lunch that's just going to give the waitress hell, or take everything that is said personally? 

So, in this one Star Trek episode from 1966 you can learn a lot about what not to do in a society but I think a good summary of everything that effected both Charlie and the crew of the Enterprise has to do with his sense of pride and an hypersensitivity. This sensitivity caused the majority of Charlie's problems. We've all been there. There are times when we become touchy about everything said or done that can even remotely pertain to us. There are days when we are just not in the mood for our boss to tell us what we are doing wrong. 

If you'll notice when you have these moments, you are usually down on yourself. Your inner thoughts will usually be out of whack, even thinking about times that you were put down in the past, where you let it slide, "but dammit, I'm not going to let it slide this time!" When we have these negative thoughts about the past or we're feeling worthless, we can be more sensitive to the things that are said by others. We may think that everyone is laughing at us - that we are a joke to certain people. And, sometimes we may be, but these are the ones we don't need in our lives anyway.  It takes pride to think that everything revolves around us. So, no matter how down on yourself and worthless you may be feeling, there is still some pride there. If there wasn't, then the opinions of others (good or bad) wouldn't effect you. If you are only feeling good when being praised by others and feeling bad at the smallest slight, then you're way too concerned with the opinions of people who probably think about you for 3 seconds a week. 

Charlie wasn't shy. Charlie was overly confident, thought that he deserved whatever his mind could conjure up, and quick to anger when his ego was threatened. When you start to feel like a Charlie, it's time to go inward and think about the real cause of the hurt. Contemplate what's going on in your head that's making everything a big deal. Then, if you need to address it outwardly in the physical world you can do so with a clear head and rationally.  

How Stoicism Works in the NFL

"I have a memory, and I can just eliminate mistakes when they come up because I've already made them." - Tom Brady

I've got football on the brain with the start of the season, so if you're not a fan bear with me a bit here. I promise not to analyze the sport itself, but to talk about it more in philosophical and psychological terms. There is a psychology and philosophy to every sport and it's athletes. There are things to learn if we pay attention to the ones who are doing it right. 

Here is Tom Brady as we know him today - He's been to the Super Bowl five times and has won three, including two Super Bowl MVP awards. He's been selected to nine Pro Bowls and has led the Patriots to more division titles than any other quarterback in NFL history. He's married to super-model Gisele Bundchen and his net worth is reportedly 120 million dollars. What you might not know is that Brady's road to get to this point wasn't as easy on you might think. Most of the time we see people at the height of their careers and assume that they are just lucky, or have some raw talent that we don't have. This can be the case sometimes, but more often than not, it isn't. 

When I read philosophers like Aurelius - I sometimes think about the people who are leaders or are going through some kind of personal battle, and how they already portray a lot of the characteristics and mental strategies taught by these philosophers. We usually think of great Generals or Emperors like Aurelius (who was in battle for most of his later life) and assume that only they can know certain truths well enough to write about them. But what about our modern day leaders? How are they able to incorporate some of these ideas into their lives, most having never read any philosophy? I think that it's because a truth remains a truth. Even when you are saying the same thing a different way, it doesn't necessarily mean that you've ripped off an idea from someone else. It's because it is rational and wise thought that prevails. 

"Early on in college I didn't feel like I was really wanted at Michigan. There were very, very good players on that team, and I didn't always think I was one of them. I certainly didn't think I'd play in the NFL, at least not until about midway through my senior year, when it started to become a reality." LINK

Tom Brady was a backup quarterback his first two years at the University of Michigan. He was seventh on the depth chart at one point and he even hired a sports psychologist to cope with his anxiety and frustration.  He considered transferring to UC Berkeley, but something told him to stick it out at Michigan. When everyone else went home, he'd stay and watch tape. When everyone else stopped training during the off season Brady kept training. Without getting too much into statistics, his senior year wasn't all he hoped it would be. Michigan had just recruited Drew Henson and Brady shared playing time with the quarterback his senior year. Nevertheless, Brady won 20 of the 25 games he started. 

Probably due to sharing quarterbacking duties with Henson his senior year, the NFL draft wasn't was at all what Tom Brady expected. He wasn't selected until the 6th round by the Patriots. He was the 199th player picked in the draft that year. Considering that he is better known than those picked in the top 10 that same year is a testament to the work he put in starting at fourth string for the Patriots. His rookie season he threw for 6 yards. In 2011 he threw for 5,235 yards.

To keep from writing about politics and going down that rabbit hole, I've been thinking about how quarterbacks are essentially the Generals of the field. This is probably due to football season just having started and checking my Fantasy Football roster every few hours, but I think these guys have to have something that allows for them to progress even though (at times), the media and the fans are disappointed, doubtful and angry with them. They stand in the middle of turmoil looking for a strategy knowing that any second some linebacker can break free and pummel them. If their defense doesn't hold up, they are expected to make up the difference over and over, each time they take the field. They are blamed for losses that are sometimes beyond their control.

Quarterbacks can play one of the toughest games of their lives and lose by three points, but still have fans that just "give up" on them. This is, of course, until the next Sunday when they throw for 400 yards and win by a landslide. The public is fickle this way and I guess the players have to learn this. If they didn't, they would be beating themselves up so badly that they wouldn't be able to pull out of their ruts. I'm guessing that during the season they stay away from ESPN or any print media that analyzes the game. 

"We all have experiences in our lives that change us, and we can learn from people, like my dad, but at the end of the day, it's only us. And we're only responsible to make ourselves happy." - Tom Brady

Like all of us, Brady has had his emotional moments like yelling at receivers and losing his composure, but the amount of pressure and temptations that a person like a Tom Brady or Drew Brees goes through is something that we can't fathom. All in all, Brady keeps his composure like most high ranking quarterbacks. The true test isn't whether you can suppress all emotion, but how you use it. How does it effect you, your teammates, and the score? If you can rationally step back and say that it only made things worse, then you let emotions rise above rational thought and wisdom.

We all know the feeling of going off on someone and thinking of how we could have better handled it later. It's always something we regret, isn't it? So the trick is to think first, and handle it the right way the first time. Peyton Manning has these outbursts pretty regularly, even when it's not the receiver's faults and it sometimes makes him look spoiled and silly. Meanwhile, Brady has maintained a humbleness that a lot players don't have, perhaps due to the fact that he had to work his way to the top. He wasn't a first round draft pick, he wasn't a huge college star, he wasn't drafted to a team that had years of success behind them like the Dallas Cowboys. 

Richard Sherman, who doesn't have a humble bone in his body, trash talked Tom Brady after a game and tweeted a picture with "U mad bro?" across it. When Tom Brady was asked about Sherman he replied, "We win with graciousness, when we lose we could do better. Some teams don't always do that or that's not their program...Look, they advanced. The only way to counter that is to beat them. When you don't win...you just gotta shut your mouth and listen to it. When you get an opportunity down the road, maybe that's a source of motivation."

I'm not saying that Brady or any other football player in the country is a philosophical role model, but considering the pressure and scrutiny they are put through I find it interesting how they handle it. Now, would I take 20 million a year until the age of forty to go through this type of public scrutiny? Probably so. Considering the sport itself, with its trials on and off the field, if I were a coach, manager, or owner I would be handing out the literature of the Stoic Philosophers and the Bible for free.


Another stoic who was a phenomenal player was Barry Sanders who played for the Detroit Lions. He retired while he was still young and healthy but remains to this day one of the best running backs to play the game. Instead of celebrating after a touchdown he would usually just hand the ball over the referee and walk off the field. The video below pretty much sums up his character. This is something you don't see too often anymore...

Dealing with Gossip

Let a person think what they will about you and (whenever possible) use whatever it is to your advantage. If what they think and say about you is true or false makes no difference. Take control in this game of pettiness. Like a game of chess you can take command of the board with one subtle move. You are in control of only one thing in this world and that is your thoughts (everything else follows). You might think you control other people and things but truly, thinking is the only strength you have. Instead of seeing this as a disadvantage we must see the opportunity in it. It's not lying that I recommend but to see things in a new perspective. If you are wrong, you are wrong and that is something that must be corrected, but if you are being used by others so they can feel better about themselves this can also be corrected.

There will always be gossip in this world. It can be damaging to careers, families and income. The gossip can be true or false but the saying - 'Don't throw stones from glass houses,' almost always applies. There is usually dirt on both the giver and the receiver of gossip. No one is perfect, we are all guilty of something (if not guilty of the exact thing they are gossiping about). There is surely something each of us has done or we are currently doing that we wouldn't want anyone else to know about. In fact, the gossiping itself, should be something these people are ashamed of. It's one of the worst things one human can do to another.

This is very prevalent in business where it's 'dog eat dog' and there is always this sense of one-upmanship to impress some boss or client. Instead of showing what we can do and the advantages of doing business with us, we sometimes put down the "competition" and think by making them look bad that it will make us look better. This rarely is the case, but we still try this tactic all too often. It not only changes the perception that someone has of you and your character but also can snowball into a game of back and forth that can go on for way too long. Of course gossip is gossip because it's not saying the thing you don't like about someone to their face but behind their backs, If someone enters your office and starts to talk quietly  - beware. Even if what they are saying about someone else is true, the fact that they don't want to be involved with the aftermath means that somehow you, yourself, will be caught up in it eventually.

So, let's say the petty game has already started and some competitor has already told your current client that you haven't made them a priority and that they would be a much better fit. First of all, where did they get this information? Usually from nowhere and no one. They are simply pulling this from their bag of tricks. It doesn't matter who you are. If it were anyone else they would be saying the same lines and perhaps worse. Of course, the client can pull out of a contract they have with you at anytime, but if you've done your job well they will remember this and question the sales tactic of the person they are speaking to. If you have slacked off, they will be more likely to fall for the salesmen and this now out of your hands, You simply must step up your game and try to save the account. Don't resort to their tactics and be virtuous. This will go a long way and you will already have the upper hand.

If you have been a hard worker and have gone out of your way for this client then you can play to the misconceptions of the competing sales team while keeping your sanity and not falling into a petty trap. Let the client say how hard of a worker you are and how you've never steered them wrong. They will soon see the error of their tactics. If you do encounter a competitor, a little bit of sarcasm might be involved. A silly reply to someone that is after you hurts their pride because they see you aren't nearly as petty, worried, and stressed as they are. They will see that you don't have to use the ridiculous tactics that they feel they must use to get ahead. It shows that you are confident enough to let the chips fall where they may, which means that you must think it will go your way. It's a mental game of cat and mouse where sometimes, by magic, the cat becomes the mouse and the mouse, a cat. No matter how tough people act on the exterior it's easy to get under their skin. Don't use their tactics of putting someone else down to make yourself look better. Keep your conscious clear and play the game with 'do what is right' in mind.

A lot of times we don't even know about the gossip until someone tells us. They may think they are helping us by telling us what's going on and in some cases, if it effects your job or family, this makes sense - but if it's something petty I would rather 'Bob' keep it to himself. We have enough crap in our lives to worry about without the guy in the cubicle next to us needlessly adding to it. If Bob wants to tell you every time someone says something about the shirt you're wearing, let Bob know you don't give a crap by saying something like - 'Yeah Bob, are you the only person in the office that doesn't know how bad I dress? I do this on purpose.' That will probably be the last time Bob waste your time with that sort of pettiness.

Simple gossip can turn into slander and bullying in some environments. This can be very harmful to females. To say that a successful woman slept her way to the top or for teenage girls to gang up and label a girl they don't like (usually a girl they are threatened by) a slut on Facebook can really hurt that person's life in so, so many ways. Not only can it hurt their reputations, but in some cases it can send someone into a depression so bad that it makes them not want to get out of bed in the morning. What horrible people there are in this world to wish this upon another human being, especially one that never personally harmed you in any way. Sad thing is, we have probably all been a part of this process in some way - especially when we were younger.

This is when we must tap into our inner selves and God. You know the truth and that is what matters. I know that this is much easier said than done, but even if you did sleep with a "boss" or you are a teenage girl who has made mistakes and slept around looking for affection you must remember you are not your mistakes - you are not your sins. You can always learn from your mistakes and that is between you and God. Who you are and who you become doesn't rely on the opinions of others unless you let it. What you've done is a lot different than Who you are. It's a very strange thing to care about what people think about us when they don't even like themselves but we do it everyday.

“I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.” - Marcus Aurelius

Understand that the people who are engaged in gossip about you are very insecure and undisciplined. We are all guilty of gossip at one time or another. Think about the place you were in when you gossiped and what was really going on in your head. Wasn't most of the reason you were gossiping to make yourself feel better? It's very selfish indeed. A lot of times it's jealously that breed's gossip. If someone sees that you are doing well in the same business they are in, instead of looking in and seeing that they might not be working as hard, it's easier to throw around the 'sleeping her way to the top' gossip, especially if the the female she is gossiping about is more physically attractive, which goes back to jealously. Needless to say, all gossipers (ourselves included) have issues.

Success is its own reward. If you are the person being gossiped about, continue to work on yourself and try to get a few supportive friends who you trust and talk the issue out with them. Don't let the gossipers halt any progress you've made or plan to make in your life. Don't let them make you hate yourself. Misery loves company and this would be a win for them.

In a school environment, this has become a priority so you can go up the chain until parents are called, staff is on the lookout etc. This will usually cut off the blatant attacks but the subtle ones might still remain. You can either let them stew in their own self-hatred while you work on yourself and let them see you grow and succeed or, if you think that they will continue and not move on, you can confront them in a calm manner telling them that you see the weakness in what they are doing. If they are crazy enough for you to feel physically threatened then in it's not worth that, and the authorities need to know. In this case, if there is some harmful escalation, there will already be a record of your report at school or with some other authority that they cannot ignore. Don't be afraid to take measures to protect yourself from harm. Just keep reporting until the right person takes control of the situation. Better to be know as a snitch than physically harmed. Believe me, high school is but a blip in your life that very few really enjoyed. Most of what you'll enjoy about high school is the friends and the things that happened while you weren't actually on campus.

If someone has wronged you and you need to talk this out with someone you trust, this is not gossip. This is part of being in community with other humans. Our problems are pretty universal so we shouldn't be afraid of talking. This isn't the kind of gossip that needlessly hurts other people, it's normal, rational talk that moves things forward. You are not gossiping about gossipers when you talk to your parents about them. This is not the same thing.

For those of us that are adults and it's workplace drama we are dealing with, refer back to 'Success is its own reward.' Don't give them any traction. Let your life move on and if the gossip doesn't stop and effects your work then you must either confront the gossiper or talk to someone within the company that deals with this kind of harassment. Human resources is usually a good place to start. You aren't whining. You're calmly saying that this has gone on too long and that the company must take responsibility at some point and put an end to the foolishness. They know that if they don't it doesn't look good on them and if for some reason it does cause you to lose your job, a lawyer will happily make sure that you are compensated.

Turn the other cheek? Yes, doing this means that you are not to return insult for insult. You are not to play their game. You, going about your life and cutting this off  in a grown-up way when people don't have the sense to do so themselves isn't retaliation but really is for the common good, because they usually just move on to another target. Don't fret, it will always bite them in the end even if you don't see it happen. Look at the lives of those who accomplished so much with non-violence. Peaceful resistance has overthrown governments. They are thought of as good while the attackers lose in the end, the world remembers them and gives them great respect while the attackers and slanderers are given the cold shoulder and a stern review historically. There are good people out there that will see how well you are handling the situation and if they are brave enough they will see the flaws of someone attacking a person that doesn't attack back and will join in the fight to end it. Sometimes it's someone else that speaks up and ends the aggression.

This has happened in history many times. Ghandi was physically harmed and so were his followers. They continued to not retaliate against aggression and in return they gained the respect of the world. They got what they were after without having to resort to the insanity of the world and it's normal forms of revenge. If they had taken the normal steps to overthrow regimes, India might still be under British rule and many more people would have lost their lives. Martin Luther King, Jr. is another example. There were only so many televised beatings of a peaceful crowd (who didn't retaliate) that people were able to watch before things started to change and the movement gained respect and power. When you take the ego out of the conflict, you become powerful. This is what I mean by being able to use what people think, good or bad, to your advantage. Things can change very quickly when you make the right move.

In the garden, Jesus told Peter to put away his sword after he chopped a guards ear off when they came to arrest Jesus. He healed the guards ear and told Peter that if you live by the sword you will die by the sword. I was perplexed by this statement when I was younger but how many young men have to die on the streets in drive-by shootings before we see that this is so very true? How many fights over something petty, that could have been handled differently, ended with someone dying?

There is a time for everything and I'm no expert on the subject of gossip since I myself have even been a part of it on occasion.  What I'm getting at is sometimes the most common methods of dealing with things (revenge or starting gossip of our own) isn't the best way. It isn't the way that usually works because it's an emotional subject that can keep us from thinking rationally. If you are wrongfully accused and the accusers do win in the end, then there is a much bigger plan than we can imagine. We must de-sensitize ourselves to gossip. Especially if it is of the usual petty sort that last for a few hours or days and then is over. A lot of what keeps the weak going is knowing that they can feed off of your pain. If you have no worries about it, they will surely be confused and move on. Like I said - misery loves company. If they move on to another victim, don't be afraid to talk to this person and give them some insight into what the minds of these gossipers are like. Soon the busybody or busybodies will be outnumbered and will either see the error in their ways (in which case they should be forgiven for their mistakes) or they themselves will be the outcast. People know that they cannot trust a gossiper (even a fellow gossiper). If they are gossiping about someone who's not in the room, they will wonder what is being said when they aren't around which causes the entire process to eventually implode.