Your Dad Was a Nervous Nelly

The other day I had someone that knew my dad tell me (jokingly), "Your dad was a nervous Nelly." It was funny because it was true. Strange thing is, I never would've thought anyone else noticed if he hadn't brought it up. Don't get me wrong - he's stronger than me in some ways. He spoke in front of large groups easily all his life and he was skilled in the martial arts when he was younger. He still has some self-esteem issues with caring about what others think a little too much, but that seems to be the way of the world now.

He mainly worries about the kind of stuff that we have no control over. The kind of stuff that could happen to anyone at anytime - like losing a job, getting sick, or someone in his family being in a car accident. Just because these are all possibilities doesn't mean that if you worry about them that they will not happen. He had the tendency to avoid confrontation due to worrying about upsetting someone, but then would sometimes explode over the smallest things.

He worries about stuff that most of us don't even think about. Perhaps it's the police background but it borders on ridiculous - "You kill those weeds with gas and what happens if someone throws their cigarette there?" The question makes some since but the odds of that happening in a time period where it would be flammable enough to burn my house down would be comical. And who is this strange smoking man standing a foot away from my house while I'm not there? Don't get me wrong, I don't make a habit out of killing grass with gasoline. This was on a patch of grass because I'd run out of Roundup. His mother, my grandmother, was even worse - so I can see where he got the worrying from. And now one of my daughters (who has the same type of worries as my father) - so, 4 generations of anxiety in a 50 year span. Thanks genetics.

Anxious Parents Make Anxious Kids

I don't know exactly where this need for other's approval started, but it's wreaked havoc on my life.  I was thinking that this started while trying to get my parents approval when I was quite young (which might have some truth to it), but lately I'm thinking it had more to do with the example they set. They were very loving parents. Of course, mistakes were made. Corporal punishment was sometimes the first resort, guilt was a big issue etc. But, without playing the blame game too much, I remember some instances where I feel as if bigger deals were made of normal childish mistakes than was necessary. I did stupid things and sometimes purposely (as all kids do), but I believe my parents already had an ingrained sense of 'approval seeking' that I slowly learned from them. Something that wouldn't have been a big deal in my own mind would later be turned into me having acted like an idiot and embarrassing them, which would of course make me think that I must have something wrong with me, causing shame.

Maybe I was a little nuts. I now know from raising girls that I was "all boy" and quite a handful in comparison. But if they had handled some things a little differently would I (to this day) still be seeking the approval of others by making sure I did everything the way it's supposed to be done, talking in a tone that doesn't offend, and making sure my words are carefully chosen. None of us had perfect parents, so maybe it's just me and my ego. I just remember a few things that were a little off. I'm sure they meant well, seeing to it that I fit in with society etc. They were even quick to defend me on many occasions.

My dad was a cop when I was young, so I think that this created a suspicious streak in him about everything that I was doing as a teenager. If I was five minutes late coming home, he would jump in his car and come looking for me - that type of thing. A lot of that was his own anxiety, thinking I was hit by a train or kidnapped. This was before everyone had cell phones, so there was no way of checking up unless you got to a land line. I remember one time, being in my friends truck and I looked at the clock and seeing that I was ten minutes late freaked me out so much that I had him quickly pull into a store where I could use the phone. My buddy was perplexed when I got back in the truck - "They really make that big a deal out of 10 minutes?" Yeah - they did. I guess the right word would be overprotective.

As far as the whole social anxiety and perfectionism issues - I remember in a karate class I took as a kid, the big thing for your birthday was that the class would chase you around a bit and then give you a smack on the butt. Granted, you could hardly feel it, but the kids would still run. All in good fun right? Well, on the way over to the class one evening my Dad said, "Don't run and make a big deal out of it - just roll over." I hadn't even remembered that it was close to my birthday and that this was the class they would probably do this little ritual in, but he was already preparing me to not make a fool out of him. Of course, I ran 2 or 3 steps anyway and when we got home he told my mom I acted like an idiot. I was in a lot of school plays and took a drama class until about the age of 13. I think their critiques of how I was out of character etc. finally made me give up on that also.

I won't bore you with more of these petty stories, but needless to say I think that their need for approval has rubbed off on me. There is this perfectionist quality that I have in "always showing my best side." I know a lot of teenagers go through this faze of timidness and trying to fit in, but I never really grew out of it. It has gotten better depending on the situation, but to this day I'm very careful to not make a "fool" of myself. In other words, I'm a crappy date for my wife at weddings.