The Fear of Being Noticeably Nervous

I remember the moment that this fear of being noticeably nervous started. I was in a history class in junior high and we were supposed to bring in these little newspaper articles about some subject that we would read out loud in front of the class. That day I'd forgotten to bring an article and had to get one from a friend who, for some reason, had an extra. I was in a hurry because I didn't want a bad grade for forgetting the article and perhaps because I didn't want to upset the teacher. He asked questions about the article we read afterwards (from what I can remember) so maybe I knew I wouldn't have the correct answers after only reading it once. But I wasn't extremely nervous about about reading out loud in front of the class. I'd done that many, many times without it being a huge issue. After all, everyone gets a little nervous when they're in the spotlight. Anyway, I'd worked myself up and by the time I got up there my hands and voice were shaking. I didn't think anyone noticed, so I kept reading and I knew from experience that this went away after a little while, but the teacher cut me off and said that I could sit down. So he noticed!? This blew my mind. In a way it was a relief to sit down, but in a way it was way worse than if he'd just let me continue until my nerves calmed. Then I wouldn't have thought that anyone noticed that I was nervous at all and the next time it would be back to not being that big of a deal again. Bad luck, or for a reason - that day has affected me in ways I never would have thought possible. It had a snowball effect.

This was the day that I became aware that others could tell more of what I was feeling inside than I thought possible. Sure, I knew that you could tell when someone was sad, but a little nervous? From then on, the anxiety got worse. Not because of the things I once worried about while giving a speech; like knowing the material and making my points relevant to the audience. Now, I was nervous about other people noticing that I was nervous! So those jitters that usually went away would NOT go away because instead of being able to relax as you go, your mind escalates the fear into a somewhat selfish "everyone notices everything I'm doing" state that makes you feel as if you're in a life or death situation (that feeling right after a car accident).

Being that we are social beings who attract others with characteristics like strength and knowing that someone could see my nervousness or hear it in my voice made me feel weak. "If they see I'm weak then I will be rejected, picked on, and lonely," the voice inside of my head says. Even if I could beat them sparring in a karate class, or even if I was smarter than most in the room - at that moment they've got me. They see where I'm weak and my ego from any success I've had is shattered in an instant. I didn't get the reading out loud nervousness (which I've got control of now) until my freshman year in a high school Civics' class when some thug was staring at me the whole time I was reading for some reason. It was like he was waiting for me to mess up or something. He'd already made some comments before that day that had the effect he was looking for. Needless to say, the sheltered, sensitive, only child with the fragile ego finally snapped and from then on I didn't like being the center of attention at all. How we can let the actions of a few make us miserable for years when they haven't even thought about us is just a matter of how we have programmed our minds.

Like the deodorant commercial with the tag line - "Never let them see you sweat". Well, they can't see me sweat but they can hear it in my voice. On a side note - It also turned into this perfectionism, which is not possible and toxic. What a mess. Maybe I need to master the art of 'not giving a crap' again. Instead of never letting anyone see us sweat, maybe not giving a crap if they do would eliminate the stress that causes the sweating in the first place.

If the only signs of nervousness were sweating under your arms, this would be my miracle cure.

The following quote is about blushing, but can be applied to worrying about others noticing a shaky voice, hands, sweating etc. It's about stopping the internal critical script by not caring if people notice...

"The more a person does not care if he/she blushes, the more the symptom will diminish." - Jonathan Berent

Dont be a Charlie X

For some reason I've been watching a lot of Star Trek lately. I've never been a Star Trek fan so I don't know why I'm getting into it now. Maybe it's because I've run out of stuff to watch on Netflix, being that a lot of it is crap. The shows I watch (House of Cards, The Fall) -  I can catch up on in a weekend and then there are shows like Arrow and Wilfred where I have to wait months for Netflix to add the new episodes. Well, all of the Star Trek series are finished so there is no catching up to do there, just watch at my own pace. I've even thought of checking out what the draw to Doctor Who is, but it looks like watching the Star Trek series by themselves could take years. 

I recently watched an episode of the original 1966 Star Trek called Charlie X. I have never in my life thought of William Shatner as cool until I watched this episode. If you have Netflix, just check out this one episode if you're at all curious. Those early episodes are like a science fiction version of Mad Men. 

In this episode, some transport ship dumps off this teenager named Charlie onto Captain Kirk and his crew on the Enterprise. They see that the Enterprise is going in the direction of some planet that apparently this Charlie kid's colony resides. They quickly leave the ship like they are afraid of the kid. Being older, corny sci-fi, you immediately know that the kid has something wrong with him and that he is going to be a threat to the crew in some way. It's really not a mystery, but more of a character study on teens, or what they thought of teens in the 1960's. 

I'm no Trekkie, so I'm not going to try to remember every detail and name, but the Doctor checks out this Charlie kid and everything seems good physically, even though they'd found him alone on this abandoned ship with only computers to talk to since he was three. There was some explanation of how he ate and learned to speak on the abandoned ship and then it immediately goes into Charlie seeing a woman for the first time. Like I said, it's sci-fi Mad Men. 

Charlie sees crew member Janice Rand and ask Captain Kirk, "Is this a girl?" So, he's never seen a woman and this sets up this odd sexual tension between Rand and Charlie for the rest of the episode. At one point Charlie slaps her on the butt and doesn't understand why she gets so upset. She tells him he needs to speak with the Captain and maybe he can explain it. Later, she tries to introduce him to a teenage girl his own age who he's rude to because she's not Rand, later turning the teenage girl into a lizard with his telekinetic power. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that not only is Charlie an angst filled teen with what seems like Aspergers, but he also has these telekinetic powers that can melt objects, turn people into animals or inanimate objects, or just plain wipe them from existence. 

Captain Kirk, in all his manliness, wants to teach this freak some lessons on being a human, man, boy (all of the above) but of course he's very fatherly and nice about it (at least at first). He takes him to some part of the Enterprise where they teach fighting. It's some kind of 60's judo that doesn't look too effective, but Charlie doesn't get the gist of it on the first try, so he throws a little temper tantrum and says he doesn't want to do it anymore. Kirk talks him into trying a few times and then throws Charlie to the ground. One of the trainers, sitting in the corner watching, starts to laugh. Well, Charlie doesn't understand this and yells "Don't laugh at me!" while he rolls his eyes up into his head. Anytime he does this eye thing, it's apparently the cue that something is about to go down, because all that's left of the trainer is his towel after that. Kirk takes it all in stride and walks over to this huge intercom on the wall and calls for security. He promises Charlie that they won't hurt him but when they get there Charlie freaks out again and makes their ray guns disappear. Later you learn he can also break legs with this strange power. Why he doesn't just come out and tell Captain Kirk that he didn't need to learn Hippy Judo in the first place is beyond me.

So, after Kirk sees the real Charlie and what he is capable of, it just goes downhill from there for the poor kid. Rand, the woman that he has this huge crush on, continues to tell him that he is too young, Spock beats him at some kind of 3D chess (which makes no sense) and after Spock leaves the room he melts the pieces with his mind. Charlie just becomes a spoiled brat tyrant. He can't take anymore rejection from Rand so he makes her disappear. He's walking down the hall and some people are laughing in a room off to the side, not at him, but I guess he thinks so, so he yells, "Stop laughing!" and one of the females comes around the corner wihout a face (just skin - no eyes, mouth, or nose). Where once the crew thought he was just a teenager dealing with typical teenage problems, their pity quickly changes to anger.

They try to restrain him, but they can't. He even takes over the helm and controls the Enterprise with his mind, which really pisses Captain Kirk off. This is when the Captain comes up with this ingenious plan that Charlie's mind can only control so much. So they turn on everything in the ship, Commodore 64's, Atari 2600 looking monitors, lava lamps - the whole works. Charlie can't take much more when this strange green cloud of justice comes and takes him away and makes everything on the Enterprise right again. I know there is a better synopses of this out there, but I really want to get to the psychology of Charlie. How would any teen act with these kind of telekinetic powers? It probably wouldn't be pretty. 

There are those of us (on this planet) that are so overly sensitive that we can kind of be like Charlie X. We immediately think that every snicker or polite denial by a female is this huge catastrophe that must be avenged. Of course, there are also some asses out there that could use a little more sensitivity but I'm not talking about them. Those are the kind of people that think they have it all figured out anyway and would never read some blog like this. 

Charlie doesn't like to learn new things. We see this early on when he's in Mad Men Judo class with Shatner. He gives up after not getting his fall right the very first time. It isn't because he didn't want to be there in the first place. He likes to try new things, but he wants to skip the learning part. It's because he thought, with his powers, he'd immediately be an expert. Well, none of us are immediately an expert at anything (especially in the real world). In fact, most things, even those things that we have some natural abilities in, take years to master. It would be nice to learn Kung Fu within minutes like Neo in The Matrix, but we're not there yet. Charlie had no patience for this. Being told that he didn't do something right the first time, and Captain Kirk throwing him to the ground in practice hurt his ego. Your ego is always tested when you get involved with something new. It's exciting to try new things, but most of us realize there is a learning curve. There will also be the teacher or mentor that has to take us down a notch, every now and then, to keep our ego in check. Sometimes it's for our own good. Charlie didn't understand the process so he gave up immediately and became mad at the Captain. The anger was a result of his fragile ego. The bigger your ego the more fragile it actually is. 

Charlie wants everyone to like him. Throughout the episode, Charlie ask crew members if they like him. Doctor McCoy tells him that this is typical of being a teenager early on, but he still seeks approval from everyone on the ship and becomes angry whenever he feels rejected. To be liked was a big deal for Charlie because he'd spent most of his life alone and (perhaps) wanted to fit in so that he wouldn't go back to feeling alone. The problem is, the harder we try, the more we tend to push others away. It's good to be liked, but it's good to be liked for being who you are without having to force it. When it comes natural, you usually draw the right people into your life. When you force it, you can draw people into your life that take advantage of your need for their approval, which they will hang over your head at every opportunity. 

Charlie is too eager with women. He doesn't know the Brad Pitt rule. He will keep approaching the wrong woman over and over, no matter how many times he's turned down, instead of moving on. He doesn't yet realize that even if he gets a date with the woman he thinks he wants the most, he will wind up miserable because she doesn't have the same feelings for him. He confuses attraction with love. You can't love someone that you don't really know. You can feel physically attracted to them, but until you know them and they want to let you in, it's just a one-sided crush. It's best to take your cue and exit. Wait for the right one - the woman that you're attracted to and want to get to know better who also has some of those same feelings towards you. Until then, your just chasing your tail.

Charlie doesn't like to be laughed at. Sometimes it's real, most of the time it's just joking with him, and sometimes it's laughter from afar that has nothing to do with him, but Charlie assumes the world revolves around him, so all laughter must be aimed at him. We all have these bad days when it seems like it's us against the world. When we have these days, a simple jest we would normally just blow off with a return quip of our own turns into us thinking that this evil person is just after us. We might even assume they don't like us and they're having fun at our expense. Most of the time this isn't the case. The people that go after others this way usually make sure you aren't around before doing this. Charlie assumes that everyone is laughing at him. Everything is a shot to his ego. His whole being seems to depend on what other people say or do. 

Charlie doesn't know how to control his emotions, especially anger. Someone that has telekinetic powers on top of being short-tempered is obviously a bad mix. Thank goodness that none of us have these powers, because we would probably use them. Maybe not as often and to the extremes that Charlie does, but I can see a lot of people ruining someone's day with a flat tire or some other mundane annoyance. Being that he had never experienced human contact before and didn't know any of the normal societal boundaries, Charlie loses in a sparring match - makes a guy disappear. Charlie loses at chess - melts the chess pieces. Charlie is introduced to a girl his age - turns her into a lizard because he's more interested in the woman that introduced her. People noticed that he was quick to anger and Spock, being the ultimate stoic, left the room after his chess match with Charlie quite puzzled at the over-the-top reaction. When people see that you don't have emotional stability, they have different reactions but none are good. Some have pity on you, some return the anger to give you a taste of your own medicine, and some simply keep away from you - not needing the drama in their lives. In this day and age, it's usually avoidance you'll see. Why invite the guy to lunch that's just going to give the waitress hell, or take everything that is said personally? 

So, in this one Star Trek episode from 1966 you can learn a lot about what not to do in a society but I think a good summary of everything that effected both Charlie and the crew of the Enterprise has to do with his sense of pride and an hypersensitivity. This sensitivity caused the majority of Charlie's problems. We've all been there. There are times when we become touchy about everything said or done that can even remotely pertain to us. There are days when we are just not in the mood for our boss to tell us what we are doing wrong. 

If you'll notice when you have these moments, you are usually down on yourself. Your inner thoughts will usually be out of whack, even thinking about times that you were put down in the past, where you let it slide, "but dammit, I'm not going to let it slide this time!" When we have these negative thoughts about the past or we're feeling worthless, we can be more sensitive to the things that are said by others. We may think that everyone is laughing at us - that we are a joke to certain people. And, sometimes we may be, but these are the ones we don't need in our lives anyway.  It takes pride to think that everything revolves around us. So, no matter how down on yourself and worthless you may be feeling, there is still some pride there. If there wasn't, then the opinions of others (good or bad) wouldn't effect you. If you are only feeling good when being praised by others and feeling bad at the smallest slight, then you're way too concerned with the opinions of people who probably think about you for 3 seconds a week. 

Charlie wasn't shy. Charlie was overly confident, thought that he deserved whatever his mind could conjure up, and quick to anger when his ego was threatened. When you start to feel like a Charlie, it's time to go inward and think about the real cause of the hurt. Contemplate what's going on in your head that's making everything a big deal. Then, if you need to address it outwardly in the physical world you can do so with a clear head and rationally.  

Heightened Awareness

When we, and I mean people in general, go out into the world and deal with others - we put on acts. We've taken Shakespeare's line "all the world's a stage and we are merely players" to the next level. A more accurate statement for our time would be "all the world's a stage and I'm the lead role." In other words, all eyes are on me. If I believe this, then I'm going to act accordingly. If I have delusions of grandeur and believe that I'm the center of attention this may cause me to develop anxiety, especially if I'm worried about every mistake I make.

A lot of people that suffer from social anxiety are very bright people that can sense other's emotional states that are in their vicinity in a much more heightened sense than a lot of the general public. A word or phrase, a look or mannerism that most people don't even notice is picked up by the more sensitive. This can be a very good trait if you're a Pastor or Doctor with good bedside manner etc. but when you are making a speech in class it can be overwhelming. There is both an empathy for those that are sad and in need as well as a fear of those that might say or do something that can be harmful that is felt on a much more basic and harsher level. The trick might be getting rid of the latter effects but somehow keeping the former which makes us uniquely good people. After all, the Bible mentions these soft-hearted, more humble people as those that will inherit the earth. On the other hand, the original sin is pride so we are stuck between the two somehow.

The heightened awareness of the negativity that some give off towards us can cause us to be very unlike ourselves, even angry. I'm probably not alone when I say that this heightened awareness is somewhat supernatural in its own way. For example, when I was in my teenage years I went through a period where my acne got pretty bad due to a reaction from taking Accutane. I went to the mall by myself a shirt and on this day I was feeling pretty vulnerable and down about myself. I had, up until this point, (by God's grace) almost model like looks which seem to be taken away from me in the course of a few weeks. It was one of the few things that I had going for me and now it was gone. Always had the attention of girls, regularly had the leadership role among other guy friends (even though I didn't want it) just because of looks and now even that was gone.

Anyway, I'm walking through the mall, trying to quickly get in and out and back to my room at home so I can hibernate and read when for some reason I was aware of two guys about my age walking about twenty feet behind me. At the time, which may be anxiety related, I also had superb hearing and eyesight. The eyesight was nice but the hearing can be a curse. These senses were probably heightened due to my constant state of flight or fight. One of the guys said something about my acne in a disgusted way. It was pretty strange, like something was triggered just by my awareness of them even though I never turned around. The way he said it was almost as if I shouldn't even be in public while the other guy asked something like "what are you talking about?" His buddy seemed to be surprised by his anger also.

The thing is, I thought he was going to say this just the way he said before he even said it. What the hell? Did I cause this to happen or can I tell the future? Are people truly connected in ways we cannot yet understand or is it merely bad luck? There are other circumstances that I can relate where I could see something bad coming before it happened and this caused me to be even more reclusive. If there aren't people around then I cannot predict and make these things happen or somehow I can avoid pain that is associated with being around other people. Sometimes I think that being an only child did not help the situation. Maybe I would have been a little tougher if I had an older brother or sister at home telling me to get over myself.

Situations like these made me feel like I was the center of the universe. Like I was one of the leading roles of the planet that others just had to pay attention to even though I didn't want their attention at all because most of the time it was negative for some reason (or maybe that's just the cases that stick in my mind while I forget about all of the good interactions).

Don't get the wrong idea, before and after this period (even though I was socially anxious at school and work) I did go to the mall with friends and to many social venues without occurrence. I had a friend at the time that also suffered from some of the same social anxiety issues but not as bad as me and that seemed to help. I guess we both thought we were the center of everyone else's attention. It's almost like this heightened anxiety gives us a form of PTSD. The mind doesn't know whether it's in flight or fight because we are being shot at or being ridiculed. All that it knows is that we are in some kind of danger. So, like a soldier who can remember details of a fire fight that cost the life of fellow soldiers with more detail because of the sharpness of his mind at the time, we too can remember the details of such petty things as these simply because our minds were in the same state. I have almost a photographic memory of awkward and embarrassing social situations that happened 20 years ago like it was yesterday. This is yet, another downfall of social anxiety. We must somehow get the right perspective back and realize we aren't the center of attention and on the rare occasions that we are - become better at dealing with it and stop worrying about looking foolish in front of others.

For more understanding on social anxiety here is a great article on Social Anxiety from Jules Evans...