Would if Your Goal In Life is to Just be Happy?

I messed up by getting too specialized of an education. That's something you don't hear of too much these days with the big push for community college and how they are feeding the workforce at just as high of a rate as the four year schools, but I can't be the only one that has had this issue. My associates is in computer science/networking specialist. Yes, networking specialist sounded great at the time and there is a high demand for the position, but without experience and even if you want to start at the ground floor - good luck getting a job in this field unless you know someone or have way more skills than a two year degree can give you. These schools, while well meaning, from my experience do not prepare you to complete all of the many certifications that employers need just to give you an interview. Some colleges are just taking money and churning out graduates. If you're a good test taker then your golden. Doesn't matter if the multiple choice question doesn't make sense to you in the real world as long as you can hold it in you brain until you're done taking the test.

Maybe I'm lazy, but I feel like if I had a 4.0 while getting that degree I shouldn't have to spend hundreds on extra seminars and off campus classes to take practice tests in order to get all of the many Cisco and Microsoft certifications. Maybe my real problem is, that as interested as I was in computers when I was younger, my taste had changed and I didn't have this fire in my belly to keep working towards these goals when I was already barely making it holding down a full time job in management while going back to school. Let's just say that WHEN I WAS DONE I WAS DONE.  I guess that's why it's best to get your education as early as possible (before anyone else depends on you). Also, I was getting into theology and philosophy at the time of working towards this associate in networking and it made the classes I was taking drier than I could have imagined.

I'm glad that I went back to school, even if perhaps it was a waste. It looks a little better on my resume than the 2 previous years I'd had toward my English Literature degree before dropping out. It shows that I started and finished something.  I still wish that I would have had the wherewithal back then to finish in Literature and to maybe teach somewhere. But of course, for those that know any of my history, generalized and social anxiety created a mental torment in me at that age that did not allow me to finish school. I'm surprised that I made it in the work force. God really was with me back then, even though I didn't realize it and was usually pretty upset with him.

So without going into detail about what kind of management that I'm in now, let's just say that it's middle management. In middle management, there are days when you are simply the complaint department and there's nothing fancy about it, no matter what your title is. Yes, they are those rare days when you play boss, but it's usually passing down some punishment that you may or may not agree with. This is a far cry from my more geekier goals of working with computers and not so much dealing with politics every day, day in and day out. There is a different kind of stress between finding where a cable may have split than dealing with complaints about why you don't provide good enough insurance. As if you are the owner of this giant company and can make these kind of calls in the first place.

As you can tell, I'm not exactly thrilled about the big life decisions I've made, particularly school and work. What was I thinking? But then comes the search for meaning and purpose. What is my reason for being here? What is the meaning of all this? Am I simply to go to work just to have something to do during the day all the while keeping the wheel turning on someone else's dream? It doesn't help that when you get stuck in certain dead end jobs you are surrounded by people that also feel stuck and it's like they are treading water to pay their bills, get through life, and hopefully retire with something left in their bank accounts. Essentially, you are either surrounded with people that complain a lot or have delusions of grandeur because they listen to Zig Ziglar. Really, it's Monday and you are that thrilled to be dealing with Bubba's HR issues? There isn't anything you'd rather be doing, like watching the Price Is Right? Of course you wouldn't want to do that, you are a productive member of society who feels that if he isn't going through these mini bouts of emotional turmoil that he's not truly living. Watching an Arrested Development marathon while living off of your lottery winnings sounds like a horrible idea to you. You're one of those people that say, "If I won the lottery I'd still work." Whatever, I might spend my money on some type of "work" that I would enjoy so much it would be like play, but working for someone else? Hell no.

I saw a Ted Talk on this guy who just dropped off the grid and went to Tibet to become a Monk. You see a lot of these type of talks, but if you do some research, the majority of these people are independently wealthy. There are days when I'd love to become some type of guru recluse that only comes down the mountain to fetch his food. I'd love to have been born rich and have people cook me healthy meals all day, workout when I felt like it, travel the world, pretty much just do whatever the hell I wanted to. Screw this need to be important and be a Trump Jr. where I have to be in the family business. Just give me my share and let me be. The amount of money some people make in a year could support us very comfortably for a lifetime. That's all I need. A house, cable, food, car, nothing that fancy. More than anything material I just want to be free from other people's demands. If I do something for my wife and kids, or anyone else I care about, that's because that's what I want to do; but as far as getting up early in the morning so that I can kiss some fat cat's ass and do his bidding - it'd be great to be able to be free from that. Happiness isn't possible without freedom, even if that freedom is only in your mind.  

"This was freedom. Losing all hope was freedom." - Chuck Palahniuk

So back to the big question. What is my goal? Well, I'd love to make money off of my writing but writers are a dime a dozen and the odds on that are pretty slim, so if I had to have a plan B I would want to be a barber. A barber with a cool little old school barbershop where I can just sit  around and bullshits with customers between haircuts until finally, one day, I'm too old to hold the scissors in my arthritic hands and I lock my doors for the last time. No more late nights, no more 'boss' telling me when some report is due. Yes, I know customers can be a pain, but let's face it - cutting men's hair is a much safer environment than cutting women's. I know I'd never become rich being a barber. Just making a good wage is fine. Money is nice, but the only reason I need it is for the independence it can bring. You never see what someone did for a living on their tombstone. 

Plan C - just stick to what I'm doing until they get rid of me or I lose my mind or both. From what they say, some of the happiest people in the world are the crazy ones so maybe that's what this is all headed towards. Either that, or there is always living off the government like a growing number of people in this country seem to be doing.

12 Public Speaking Tips to Become Sturdy Minded

I've done some public speaking recently (twice in two days), which may be a surprise to anyone who's read some of my bleaker posts about this subject in the past. I'm not saying that this is something easy to get over (by no means) or that I'm completely at ease yet myself, but I thought I'd post a few things that have helped me out over the last few days and have made me much more comfortable. It's strange, but right now I'm feeling like I want more practice with it - which is a long way from the days where I would dread the experience from the moment I found out that it was coming until the moment the I was in front of a group.

The more comfortable I get with myself in front of a group, the more I feel as if a weight that I've been carrying half of my life is finally being lifted off of me. I even smiled a few times behind that podium because "It's been a long time coming." How ridiculous that I've let this hinder me for so long. I know that I have a long way to go, but taking these steps of doing and not avoiding (like I used to) has been good for me. I can already tell that the more I do this, the less of a 'big deal' my mind will make out of it. To show you how small I'm starting and how far I have to go - I haven't spoken in front of more than 15 people yet and my comfort level somewhat depends on who is in my small audience. If I know there's a rude or judgmental person there, I'm a little more anxious (which is something I've got to get past). Why let one or two people ruin progress? I've noticed from watching any public speaking, that there are people in the audience that will be judgmental no matter who is up in front of them. These are usually the people that would hate to be up there themselves.

Below is what has helped me and I didn't learn all of this on my own so I'm going to give credit where credit is due...

1. If possible, start speaking in front of 10 to 15 people. Where it's work related you can start by just reading and going over the facts without getting too much into personal stories etc. As you get comfortable that will come later.

2. I know this goes against what all of the public speaking "experts" teach but don't be afraid to make a joke out of your nervousness. The "experts" say you don't want to draw attention to it but if you think they will notice anyway, take the pressure off yourself by being real. They will usually laugh at this if it's done in a certain way. There is usually no reason,while public speaking, to make everything so serious. The more self-effacing and friendly you are, the more likely you'll get warm feelings back towards you. If someone in the audience is jerky enough to take advantage of that; you have the podium (so to speak), so you can shut them down (if even sarcastically).

3. Remember half of your audience isn't listening to you and the other half just hopes you don't call on them.

4. Smile - Smiling changes the brain. When you grin (even a small sly grin) it eases the tension. At least it has been working for me. You don't have to stand up there grinning like the Cheshire cat but every now and then helps the brain snap into a better mood and sense of well-being.

5 Breathing - this has been a biggie for me. I did not realize how much effective breathing can ease the tensions in my body. Here are the breathing videos I recommend (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched at one point)...



6. Realize that some things just can't be fixed with your head. Whether you're reading book after book on the subject but never putting it into practice, or you're backstage trying to think about how special you are because you read it in one of those books - there are some things you can't think yourself out of. Sometimes the best way to fix your head is to get out of your head - see  the videos below for better explanations (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched)...



7. If needed, get with your doctor or psychiatrist about prescriptions that will help with the nerves while you practice and get better at public speaking. If permitted by a physician, perhaps you can taper down the amount taken as you get more comfortable being in front of an audience - up to the point where you no longer find the medication necessary because your brain has rewired itself to see public speaking as something that isn't life threatening or as big of a deal as you once made it. The typical medications a doctor might prescribe would be Xanax or beta-blockers. Of course, it'd be great not to have to use them at all but it depends on how extreme the fear is. If it's to the point where you'd rather drive off into the distance, lose your job, and leave your family behind because your company wants you to give 20 minute speech, then perhaps your psychiatrist can give you something to help you get over that hump. While feeling the fear isn't a bad thing, there's no reason you have to suffer more than the average person does before they do public speaking. Even pets are given sedatives during thunderstorms.

8. When you can, use a podium. I love podiums. You can sort your paperwork out on them, hide those shaky hands you usually get at first. Lean on it for a rest when you want (but they will think you're doing it for effect). Use one when possible. Politicians have it made, besides debates they have a podium and teleprompters to read off of.

9. Don't over-prep. Over-preparing can make you more nervous (it does me). Have some bullet points you'd like to hit and go from there. You don't have to memorize a speech or practice it over and over. That's overkill and it makes being in front of other people as different than other parts of your life. Do you have to practice what you're going to say to your buddy or family members over and over before you talk to them? I know you want to be a little more prepared when you have a message that has to be relayed to a group of people but I'm done with over-prepping and the 'practicing in the mirror' bit.

10. Remember it's not about you, the world doesn't revolve around you. They don't care as much as you think they do. You're actually up there just having a conversation with fellow human beings.

11. Change your Diet for the better - I will get more into this later but I've cut way back on dairy and carbs and I'm feeling a lot calmer. Also, the better shape you're in, the better you'll probably feel in front of a group. Especially if you haven't nailed down that "I don't give a crap what they think" part yet.

12. Last trick I have that is still taking me some time to get a complete grip on - The more you don't care if you appear nervous or that people will notice your blushing, shaky hands, shaky voice etc. - the less nervous you will be. As a result of not caring if they notice, the symptoms are eliminated :). This probably goes hand in hand with #2 on this list. The less you care what others think, the better off you'll be.

"The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think."

North American Brats

It is pretty well known that the rich and/or very comfortable are quicker to anger than those less "fortunate". Those who have struggled or worked hard for what they have tend to be more even keeled because they don't expect the world to cater to their needs. They simply want to be able to support themselves and their families and be happy as often as possible. They don't have the need for the kind of money that gives power and stirs up the talk of jealous flatterers. They don't expect handouts from anyone else when they are perfectly capable of helping themselves. They keep their dignity intact whenever possible. Though they may struggle at times and people do help them out, they are thankful for the help and don't feel entitled to it.

What rich is for one person can mean a totally different thing to another, but the higher the pay scale the higher the agitation over the petty seems to be also. Those who aren't financially rich, but lead very comfortable lives collecting some kind of income that keeps them from having to work, very often obese, and dependent on others for their needs can also become agitated and angry when their comforts aren't to their liking. Sometimes they are worse than the rich because (unless it's old money), the rich usually do some type of work that, on occasion, may give them a sense of the real world.

At one very expensive restaurant (that I go to about once a year) I overheard some women complaining about the color of the napkins. They asked the waiter what had happened to the black napkins that used to come with their silverware. They were not happy with the white and this whining continued until the waiter was able to round up some black napkins. If this country goes through some type of crash like we saw in 1929, there will be a biblical gnashing of teeth people will have so much to be angry about. Imagine complaining about your Netflix selections being poor and then there is no electricity for 3 months. Imagine if we couldn't afford to eat out 3 or 4 times a week or if we had no cell phone service. People would literally lose their minds.

It seems that the more comfortable we get, the angrier we get when something threatens that comfort. There is an agitation that is triggered which might not be there if we hadn't become spoiled. A lot of this bratty behavior is actually because we think we deserve these things (like a spoiled child) while we ignore all of the small blessings we receive daily.

"Surely you have seen how anger increases with every increase in fortune? It shows up especially in the rich, in the noble, in high officials - anything irresponsible or foolish in their minds has a favorable breeze to raise it aloft. Prosperity fosters bad temper..." - Seneca

Instead of being surprised and subsequently upset when things aren't going the way we want them to; we should be thankful for the things that did go well and accept the fact that being upset over that which we cannot control is useless. If your job is to work the desk at an airport, you should know that every now and then you're going to have to deal with upset customers. To be aghast and so angry that you're in tears every time you have one of these customers would be ridiculous because it is expected. So, weird as it is to say, being the eternal optimist may backfire on you if you expect everything to always go your way. That's not how the world works. It's full of people that want things their way, and normally someone has to give in order for someone else to receive. If you're not expecting bad days and moments to come your way, then when they do, your inner brat will surface and make it even worse.

I Can Only Take So Much Petty and It All Seems Petty

I'm not talking about Tom Petty, he has some decent stuff, and although I'm sure I could get sick of him pretty quickly, what I'm talking about is making mountains out of molehills. I'm talking about the pretentiousness and overstating of the simple to the point where it's just someone that really is in love with the sound of their own voice and what little power it may wield. When you get to a certain age you realize that you are 'the adult', which makes it harder for you take other 'adults' as seriously as you once did because they aren't speaking the truth like we thought they ALL did when we were children. We've learned that most of our fellow adults are just bigger kids with more experience that have learned the art of BS. 

For instance, lately its been harder for me to take something that is said in a business meeting or conference call with any real earnestness. Do these conversations have any bearing and/or reason? Yes. Should these conversations be taken as seriously as the people in these meetings would like them to be taken? In all likelihood - no. Believe me, I've spent a lot of hours in these types of environments and 90 percent of what is a such a 'big issue' is really not even close to being detrimental. If it is detrimental, it's usually because of the effect that it can have on someone much higher up's paycheck.

I think I still know how to play the game and act like I care but sometimes it's hard to hide my lack of interest. I still care about people, I just don't care a lot about playing the game anymore. I will swap stories with you for hours, that's fine - I just don't want to hear you talk to yourself about all of your accomplishments and awards while using corporate jargon that is meant to confuse when it's really just mind numbingly simple catch phrases. 

I literally have twenty to thirty minute conversations about things going on at work that could be narrowed down to a 20 second conversation. I could make a one or two sentence note on what needs to be done or what needs to be changed in my stupid daytimer and it's over, done, problem solved. Lately, I'm feeling like Coach Belichick in a press conference where I feel like I've adequately answered the question once so there is no reason to keep talking about it. I'm open to input that would help any situation, but other than that let's move forward.  The gift of gab runs its course after a while and sometimes it's just time filler BS that makes no difference until they catch you saying something stupid. That's when you ask yourself why you were still talking in the first place.

I don't know what's going on. Maybe it's the nicotine withdrawal that's caused this existential crisis, or maybe most people could already see through all the bull and I've been gullible for most of my life. It's literally like waking up one morning and instead of seeing all of these beautiful answers to all of these complicated questions, you've woken up and the miracle is that you can see straight through the BS. I mean all of it. It's your superpower. 

You notice things that you feel stupid for not noticing before - they want you to buy their car, so they use sex and the promise of envy; you're not acting the way they want you to act or thinking the way they want you to think, so your type will be portrayed as the stupid or crazy character in that TV show. You will see this and think that you don't fit in, that something must be wrong with you. Now...if you're sympathizing with a crazy cult leader because you're a crazy cult leader, then yes - you're nuts and it's not subliminal programming to get you to conform. 

I feel as if I'm a part of a system that I didn't even try that hard to become a member of, but somehow here I am. I could always quit, start back at the bottom, but where is the fun in that? I'll probably be removed from corporate management soon enough and they will be happy to be rid of me. The fact that all of the those people (the rich and famous, rock stars, movie stars, CEO's, lawyers, doctors, bosses) that I once stood in awe of are no better than me or anyone else is an awakening. We are simply people in different circumstances, for better or worse. Sometimes we even trade places. They may have worked harder than you to achieve something, they may have been born into money, they have made their money in filthy ways, and maybe few of us deserve the good fortune we've had? The thing that does unite us all is that we love to impress and we're scared to death of disapproval or having people see some side of us we've been trained to think of as a sign that you are no longer 'worth' anything. So that Boss that was giving you a hard time is just some guy who has fears like you do and maybe that's why everything's a big deal to him. 

When you truly realize that you and everyone around you will eventually die, it changes the way you look at almost everything - life, work, relationships, money, materialism, health. Some of the changes you make when this is contemplated can be good (like spending more time with loved ones and living a fuller life), while some changes you may make in your attitude about life may make you a harder sell in the current world we live in. It could even get you removed from sets of friends or institutions. In a hundred years, you might fit in just fine with this train of thought, but in the world we live in at the moment (most people's inner dialogues being mostly full of feeling like we are special and horrible at the same time along with thinking our problems can be solved by consuming something) you seeing how short life is doesn't add to that conversation. 

If you were a business owner looking for "fired up" employees would you even hire yourself? Would you hire the guy that doesn't see the point to it all? Yeah, I might. Especially if it was sales (believe it or not). They would either be the best sales person I've ever had or the worse. It just depends on how charming their independence is. Their honesty might just be the refreshing change potential clients are looking for in this fake world that only seems to be concerned with the bottom line. With most businesses, if they do a service along the way, it's simply a side effect of how they make their money. 

It would be nice to see more businesses that think service first, but no matter how much they say this, it's rarely true. The problem remains though, that most of our issues will only be dealt with by having a healthy free market. A large government cannot solve any of the issues that are facing us. It may seem as if it is temporarily, but in the long run we become too dependent and open ourselves up to even bigger messes. If you think a company man can talk about some petty stuff, listen to a politician.

Don't get me wrong. I really don't have it that bad. There are way worse jobs. I've become so jaded by Corporate America that if I lost my current job and had to find something else, it would probably have to be something where I could just be myself (to a point). Somewhere that the game doesn't matter as much as the outcome. 

True Detective's 10 Keys to Being Weird and Cool at the Same Time

I don't know much about the writer and creator of 'True Detective' Nic Pizzolatto but his writing has some hidden gems that show us a unique version of what a truly free thinker is made of. Rust Cohle claims to be a pessimist at the start of the series but there is a virtuous (almost stoic) streak that we see develop as time goes on. These aren't rules to live by, but it's a character that has captured the hearts and minds of many. Even though we can clearly see his flaws we still root for him. He's a man who's been to hell and back but has learned to cope in a way that makes 'Cool Hand Luke' look like Barney.

1. Stay calm and don't escalate the petty stuff. Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction. The agitated will feel dumb about it later.

2. Sleeping with someone just because you can is thoughtless and weak. When you go against the natural inclination of man to have sex without reservation, it causes a respect and mysteriousness that you wouldn't attain otherwise.

3. When it comes to protecting the weak, you don't always have to play by the "rules". 

4. Don't show your hand until you're done playing the game. 

5. Let bygones be bygones.

6. Surprise a bully.

7. Don't be afraid of having deep conversations. These are the only conversations people remember.

8. Know who you are. Accept your oddness.

9. Know when it's time to move on.

10. Accept the fact that you don't have it all figured out.

Wisdom and Action

If you'll notice, usually what people talk about the most is what they're most concerned or proud about. Most of what people think, talk, and write about is what's on the forefront of their minds. Likewise, when someone reads a quote or hears a talk that has an impact on them, it's because it's something that was on their mind. When people consider ways to improve themselves or their situations, they usually study up on what is bothering them the most or something that they need to work on. It is usually through struggle that people tend to search for answers. It is usually in a time of crisis that we find the strength to put what we've learned to the test and start to look for meaning through spiritual methods such as prayer.

This does make me wonder. Did Marcus write his meditations to overcome his weaknesses? Did he stray from his own wisdom often? Did those close to him see a different side of him, a part that did not follow his own advice? I would imagine so. Why else would he need to re-motivate himself. So often, we know what we should do and yet we don’t do it. This is when we fall from virtue. If I were perfect, I doubt I would need to write about how to strive for perfection. heroicstoic

Knowing what we should do and doing it can be challenging. We should cultivate good eating habits now to avoid health problems down the road, but many of us will not change our diets until we actually have a health issue that is the result of a poor diet. The same can be said for smokers that don't decide to quit until it's effected their health. It's part of our nature to go along doing what feels good and what deadens the bad feelings that we have now, avoiding changes that hurt in the short term but will make us happier in the long term. We can learn everything there is to learn about a subject, but until we use this knowledge in the real world it's pretty worthless. Trial and error is the key. Expecting perfection right from the start will only set you back. Avoidance will only make certain situations worse. Realize where improvement can be made and keep moving forward until that problem is a distant memory. It's hard to be in a good mood when we are struggling with something, so why not take the steps necessary to overcome the struggle? Life is too short to let depression, anxiety, and addiction keep us down.

First World Labels & Fitting In

Is it fair to label anyone that has any type of social anxiety with a disorder? For instance, if you only get nervous when your put on the spot in a meeting, conference call, or public speaking - does this mean that you have a disorder? If almost everyone else has or had these feelings to some extent, doesn't it mean we all have this disorder but just at different times of our lives or at different levels? The world is a very social place, but the West has made what was once a natural thing into something that can make or break you. There are so many books, organizations, and classes telling us that in order to succeed you should talk this way, use this tone, use this body language, have this expression on your face. It can put you so inside your own head that you are no longer able to have a casual conversation without thinking about whether your hand should be on your hip or at your side.

We've come a long way very quickly from families that lived on farms, had no internet, no phones, no televisions, and no business meetings. Their work and financial well-being wasn't dependent on a title or what people thought about them. So, is it really that odd that we have a lot more socially anxious and depressed people around than there used to be or more than less-developed countries have? Are we too quick to label someone who's dealing with anxiety here and there with a disorder just because they are under a lot of pressure? Of course, the way we think about a situation can blow something trivial and petty out of proportion, but this way of thinking didn't come out of the blue - it had to start somewhere. As a society, while things have gotten much better as far as our physical comforts go, we are growing more and more uncomfortable mentally.While we are all trying figure out what's going on in our heads, it's easy to find a label for just about anything. Maybe it's just an outbreak of anxiety that has taken many forms. 

The meme about first world problems is very fitting, but I'm beginning to think that the mental problems we have can be just as painful or even more painful than some of the physical discomforts of a third world nation (or the problems we used to have before modern convenience). I'm not talking about the petty stuff like, "My maid couldn't come this week." I'm talking about the underlying anxiety and depression that creeps up on us daily. Some days, I'll see some workers paving a parking lot in the heat and think - "they're probably more content than I am sitting in my air conditioned office." At times, I would much rather disconnect myself from the politics of the corporate world where I'm tethered to my cell phone and emails, have to discipline adults about some policy I don't even agree with, and deal with people who are more concerned about the bottom line than the well being of people.

If you enjoy your job, you're very lucky. Maybe we don't know what we've got until it's gone? If we move on to something worse, maybe we will think back and miss the old job and it's all in our attitude about the situation. Someone else could take your place and love the job you hate. Is it crazy to want to go backwards? To some people it is. To some, it means you're weak or have a 'fear of success'. But, is it really the fear of success that is messing with us or the fear of the crap that comes along with it. If you are doing what you love or own your own business this can be much more manageable, but the majority of us are working for an entity that is made up of people that could care less what you think, they just want you to walk the company line. 

Patrice O'Neal made a good point in an old interview about how we've become followers who don't think for ourselves. He was talking about how he forgot to pay his electric bill and a company man came by and said that if he didn't have a check he would have to shut it off right then. Patrice asked him if he would still turn it off if he had a family member, hooked up to machines that kept them alive in his house. The guy simply said it was his job. We've gotten to the point where we just do as we are told and have somehow buried that part of us that can make decisions based on common sense and decency. And we wonder how Hitler got so many people to follow him?

This is why CEO's, Presidents, and a lot of higher level leaders tend to be narcissists. They don't care about other people. They don't care about what "they right thing to do" is. They may pretend that they care or do the right thing in order to make themselves look good, but really they're disconnected. So, are we labeling people that have issues which would keep them from being a narcissistic CEO? Are we labeling people that have some melancholy as crazy people that don't fit in? The world is made up of so many different types of people, but we expect everyone to be on the same page at the same time. The idea that we are all supposed to be a walking billboard for a Dale Carnegie course is insanity to me. Do you really want friends and family that have catch phrases and make sure they creepily lock eyes an entire conversation because it's some trick they learned? Or, do you want people in your life that are real?

Sometimes the labels fit. They probably do help people narrow down the issues they're suffering with so that they can get the right kind of help. We just have to be careful that we don't carry the labels around with us as an excuse to not get better. Just because you are depressed or anxious right this minute doesn't mean you're stuck this way for the rest of your life. Only in rare cases does it mean that you have to be on medication for the rest of your life. So, while a label can be helpful, we mustn't forget the first label we were given - human being. That label comes with enough baggage on its own. As a human being we are very complex. You can be labeled an introvert today and an extrovert a year from now. You can be labeled depressed after your mother dies and a happy person two months from now. You can be labeled anxious today by someone and too easy-going tomorrow by someone else. The brain is a strange organ that changes with input. Can you label your computer stupid because it's output is reflecting bad input? No. It's still the same computer that you've gotten a ton of work done using, it just needs the corrupted files removed. 

How to Surprise a Manipulator

Odds are, if you can put yourself into the category of being a people-pleaser, pushover, or a doormat (even on ocasion) then you've dealt with a lot of narcissistic and manipulative people in your lifetime. People that enjoy bullying or using manipulative behavior to get what they want are usually drawn to these personality types because these are the people that they have power over - these are the people that they get their strength from (like emotional vampires). If it weren't for people that let them get away with it, these people would be nobodies. People would simply call them out each time they tried their bullying and they would hold no positions of power. Their shaming, anger, and flattery would all be in vain.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. " - Eleanor Roosevelt

Any day now, a people-pleaser could wake up and say, "You know what? This is BS. I don't deserve this." So, if you're the type of person that uses people, don't be surprised when an individual or group has finally had enough of you. That will be the day when the manipulation stops, because you cannot control someone who doesn't give you control. It doesn't mean that the bullied needs to rise up and become the bully or that, if you are the one being manipulated, you have to get emotional, call them up and curse them out right this minute. All that it means is their tactics won't work on you anymore like they used to. The good thing about this is that the manipulator will see this change soon enough. It won't take them long to realize they've lost control. If they see that your emotional well-being no longer depends on their mood or what they say, then not only will they move on to an easier target, but you're essentially free.

I remember when I was a kid and I asked my parents why there were homeless people and the reply was - "It's usually because they can't work for other people." In other words, the ego of the homeless did not allow them to follow rules or "play the game"? Of course, I now know there are a myriad of reasons a person might become homeless - substance abuse, severe mental disorders etc. Maybe there is some grain of truth to what my parents said, but if you're truly miserable working for an insane person and you've decided to stand your ground for the sake of your sanity, then I don't see how this can be a bad thing.

Now, if you're working for someone that has good days and bad days like the rest of us, but doesn't ever take it out on you personally, then maybe you're being to sensitive. Just because you're boss doesn't greet you at the door because he's busy with something else doesn't mean he's out to get you. What I'm talking about here are the complete narcissist that expect their employees to be doormats. The type that enjoy the small power trip they gets out of making others feel bad.

Narcissists and manipulators may even come across as nice people. Notice I don't say good people, because there is an underlying quality to them that we can't ignore - something that you can feel. They will use a kind word or flattery every now and again to make us more supple, easier to mold, and more likely to bend to their wishes. They usually go from one extreme to the other, always keeping those that have to deal with them guessing what kind of mood they will be in. It's a pretty sick game.

There is a scene in "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (David Fincher's version) where the bad guy, Vanger, asks his victim to come in for a drink. Now, Blomkvist (the potential victim) has already figured out that Vanger is a psychopathic killer, but he still goes back inside the house for a drink knowing that it probably won't end well. We will actually put ourselves in danger to "not offend." Criminals, bullies, and manipulators use this against people everyday.

After Vanger has Blomkvist captive, he goes into this little speech that shows how our fear of coming across as impolite can make us do idiotic things, even when our gut is saying "run" or "fight" -

Let me ask you something. Why don't people trust their instincts? They sense something is wrong, someone is walking too close behind them. You knew something was wrong, but you came back into the house. Did I force you? Did I drag you in? No. All I had to do was offer you a drink. It's hard to believe that fear of offending me is stronger than the fear of pain, but you know what? It is. And they always come willingly, and they sit there, they know its all over, just like you do. But somehow they still think that they have a chance, maybe if I say the right thing, maybe if I'm polite, if I cry, if I beg. And when I see their hope draining from their face, like it is from yours right now, I can feel myself getting hard. But you know, we're not that different, you and I. Both have urges. Satisfying mine requires more towels.

The best thing that we can do for ourselves and for our children is to let them trust their gut instead of always insisting on politeness. Sometimes parents go too far with "respect your elders" or teaching a respect for people in authority (that shouldn't even be in a position of authority). We must watch out for people who will use this willingness to please against us. Charismatic cult leaders are notorious for this type of manipulation which causes group thinking and subservient behavior.

You're an adult. There are no "rules" in what your reply has to be and in which tone of voice you use when speaking to someone. There are ways to make people feel welcome that you enjoy talking to and a sense of common courtesy that we have (even with strangers), but it is still because you've decided that this is the correct behavior for that situation. Of course, we always start by treating people as we would want to be treated, but if they don't return the favor and for some reason feel the need to target you, it must be nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand. If they're sick enough to see kindness as a weakness that they can exploit, you must be more assertive with that individual before they get the idea you're an easy target. Even the stoics, who did their best to keep drama out of their lives, went to war with people when they had to.

In relationships, a manipulative or more controlling spouse/partner will sometimes use tactics they would never try on anyone else. If you've done something wrong, they may use guilt and shame to make you feel as if you have to fawn over. feel pity for, and fear their wrath in order to get back in their good graces - as if the guilt and shame you're feeling isn't enough. Every argument isn't because whoever you're dating or are married to is a narcissist. You can tell that you're with a true manipulator when you can see that they don't care about you personally; they will get what they want by any means necessary, even if that means you're crying at 3 am while they're sleeping like a baby.

Your spouse may have even gotten over whatever it is that you think was so bad, but they can't let you know that or they lose the upper hand. The real bad ones consciously know what they're doing and will even gloat about it to others. You see this sometimes in couples where the one being manipulated or verbally abused feels like they deserve it. Even if you are the one that originally broke the trust and have apologized repeatedly and have made an effort to stay with that person because you've seen the error in your ways - for them to use it against you and to make you feel like dirt is no way to live. Counseling would be a good idea here, because the counselor will be less likely to let them to get away with this behavior.  No one is perfect. You are not your mistakes. To hold a mistake against someone to the point where it becomes cruel is worse than ending the relationship completely.

I will admit, a lot of this is very situational considering the restraint that I've suggested in earlier post. Sometimes keeping your cool, especially when others are watching, makes the manipulator look ridiculous, which can work in your favor. But in this post, when we're dealing with someone that is possibly verbally abusive or has rejected you as a human being with feelings, then "keeping your cool" is usually the result of the fear of confrontation or offending. When dealing with a true narcissist, you don't have to over analyze it to the point where you feel sorry for them. You'll find that this is very common in the corporate world. You may bring up what's happening with this particular boss or co-worker and they are defended with, "he/she really does have a good heart, they just don't know how to get their point across."

Sometimes we even feel sorry for someone who is mean because we assume they must have other issues going on in their lives. We assume they have a good heart in there somewhere. Don't forget that even though this may be true, you have a good heart too and they are currently trying to take advantage of that. These are the times when you have to think about yourself. I know that it's not good to focus on ourselves at all times, and that it can backfire to be overly self-consumed, but sometimes what's best for you at the moment is to fight against the social norm and be a little aggressive without allowing yourself to become overly emotional. If you become too emotional when sticking up for yourself then they still have an advantage. I realize that this is easier said than done, especially when it is a situation that has been going on for awhile and you have a lot of feelings that are bottled up. They might not have gotten to you in the way that they intended but they still got to you if you are just as upset as you would have been before you decided to assert yourself.

All of that respect that you were taught that you had to give throughout your childhood and in high school is done. In reality - You don't have to do anything. People use this "logic" that we were taught against us every day. If you pay close attention to the words of those around us, be it the media, family, friends, or co-workers you will hear these little catch phrases that they use to get people to think as they do. Commentators on the news will even say, "What people have to realize..." or a boss might say, "what you need to do..." Yes, sometimes they are right and what they're saying might be helpful, but sometimes they are dead wrong. Do people really go to see Lady Gaga so that she can give a 20 minute rant on who they have to accept and what their political views should be? No, but give someone a little power and they feel like they can teach you something because they are more evolved, smarter, or above you.

You deserve respect no matter how little you think you deserve it. You deserve it starting today. You don't have to wait until you're seventy. Being nice to people is a good thing, but letting people bulldoze you because they think you're weak is something that only you can stop. Most of the time, if money weren't involved, half of the disrespect that we take would be ended very quickly but we have bills to pay so we keep taking their crap. This is very common. Almost everyone has had to deal with a narcissistic and manipulative boss. The manipulators of the world are fighting the ones that have dismissed or have fought back by labeling them as sensitive or lazy when they are called out on their bad behavior. Here is an example of what is given to people in corporations (as a "joke") when they complain about being treated badly...

Yes, there are people that will blow anything out of proportion, but instead of trying to see a little bit of truth in the employees point of view, there is this automatic - "People these days don't know what work is." Actually, I think there is still a strong work ethic. People have stood up for themselves since the beginning of time. Maybe it's the bosses of the world that have become more sensitive? Maybe they are the ones who have let their egos get out of control to the point that they've had to label the employee as the sensitive one when they can't believe that they aren't getting away with talking to people however they want. Other employees that hang on their every word like they are something special and put up with their nonsense can be enablers that make it harder on the group as a whole. It's much better when there is more than one person that stands up for themselves, but it usually starts with one brave soul.

So, how do you surprise a narcissists or a manipulator? You simply don't do what you have always done. You cut them off before they get too far and make your boundaries known. If necessary, you talk to them as you would a spoiled child. You let them know (in some way) that what they have been getting away with isn't acceptable. At first they might switch tactics - becoming angry or throwing a temper tantrum because they can't believe that you're actually standing up for yourself. This is a good point in the conversation where you want to keep strong and find a little humor their behavior.

When they see that none of the old tricks work on you, they will move on to someone that they can control. Manipulative people are usually weaker than they put on (or they wouldn't have to constantly throw their weight around). They are so used to getting their ego boosted by the "sly" tactics they use that when it fails, they either leave you alone, treat you differently, or (if it's a work situation) find a way to remove you from the company. Hopefully, there are leaders within the company that have enough reasoning to see that you don't deserve to be fired for sticking up for yourself. If not, do you really want to stay there anyway?

If a manipulator has somehow learned their lesson, then you can rightfully forgive them and move on from there. No need for a lot of drama. It's over and now the boundaries have been set. There are different ways of handling these types of people, but all of them should end with the bully knowing they are messing with the wrong person, even if you can do so without saying a word.

Other useful info on people pleasing, being addicted to the approval of others, and dealing with narcissists....
spartanlifecoach

Stoicism and Christianity

"If thy faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small." - Proverbs 24:10

There is a question that has been asked more and more lately with the rise in popularity of Stoic Philosophy - Can you be both a Stoic and a Christian? To me, with my limited knowledge of Stoicism, this seems quite possible. Avoiding a label that may be considered contradictory, I consider myself to be Christian with a great interest in Stoicism and I do see how it can help us become more ethical, thoughtful, and less emotionally led people. It's a philosophy which invites the student to face their problems head on, which I've rarely done up to this point in my life. Stoic Philosophy is simple, yet intriguing and complex all at once - quite similar to the Bible and the writings of the Apostle Paul.

My first introduction into Stoicism was an article written by Ryan Holiday, which made me want to learn more. Shortly after, I read his book "The Obstacle Is the Way," a book that I can highly recommend. This made me want to delve further into Stoicism and read the Stoics themselves. I watched some videos on Stoicism that were posted on YouTube and felt I was being led down the right path after watching a Ted Talk by Jules Evans entitled "How Philosophy Can Save Your Life."  It dealt with mental disorders like social anxiety and showed me how philosophy has benefited those with similar experiences to my own.

I can't say that I'm a card-carrying Stoic yet. The label probably wouldn't fit, considering I've only read Aurelius and some Epictetus, without much practice in the real world. If you look at Stoicism as a philosophy of growth, and not the be-all, end-all to the inner workings of the human condition, then I think there is a lot that can be learned by studying these philosophers.

Going back to the original question - this podcast from the Painted Porch is a good place to start on the subject of Christianity and Stoicism. Pastor Michael Jones, who considers himself a Stoic, talks about some of the teachings that Christians have to be somewhat careful of. He discusses how Stoicism has the inclination of only teaching a person to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps," while the Christian lives life under the power of God, not just by our power alone.

I agree with the Pastor that it's hard to believe that Paul wasn't influenced by the Stoics in some way when you read the New Testament. One of the reasons that this blog has the title "The Stoic's Helmet" is because of a link between Stoicism and Christianity that I'd found on my own. Paul talks of putting on the armor of God - the helmet and the sword being the word of God...

"Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." - Ephesians 6:17

If God has created us to be creative, surely there is some of His influence in the writings of the Stoics. I may be way off base here, but maybe Stoicism was meant to influence Paul, who wrote most of the New Testament; a series of letters to the Church which still defines Christianity as we now know it.

Pastor Jones also says that, "Christians don't stand before God on our own merits but on the merits of Christ. The self-reliance of Stoicism can be a danger." I think that this is true, we have to be a bit more discerning as Christians who study the Stoics.

All in all, after listening to the podcast I would consider it just as possible for a Christian to be a Stoic as it is for an atheist to be a Stoic, considering that most of the Stoics were neither, being raised Pagan. Stoic Philosophy and Christianity both have a beauty that I find accessible and enlightening. No matter how the world changes around us, we're still the same contemplative beings, with our own difficulties and questions, that lived and died 2000 years ago.

How Stoicism Works in the NFL

"I have a memory, and I can just eliminate mistakes when they come up because I've already made them." - Tom Brady

I've got football on the brain with the start of the season, so if you're not a fan bear with me a bit here. I promise not to analyze the sport itself, but to talk about it more in philosophical and psychological terms. There is a psychology and philosophy to every sport and it's athletes. There are things to learn if we pay attention to the ones who are doing it right. 

Here is Tom Brady as we know him today - He's been to the Super Bowl five times and has won three, including two Super Bowl MVP awards. He's been selected to nine Pro Bowls and has led the Patriots to more division titles than any other quarterback in NFL history. He's married to super-model Gisele Bundchen and his net worth is reportedly 120 million dollars. What you might not know is that Brady's road to get to this point wasn't as easy on you might think. Most of the time we see people at the height of their careers and assume that they are just lucky, or have some raw talent that we don't have. This can be the case sometimes, but more often than not, it isn't. 

When I read philosophers like Aurelius - I sometimes think about the people who are leaders or are going through some kind of personal battle, and how they already portray a lot of the characteristics and mental strategies taught by these philosophers. We usually think of great Generals or Emperors like Aurelius (who was in battle for most of his later life) and assume that only they can know certain truths well enough to write about them. But what about our modern day leaders? How are they able to incorporate some of these ideas into their lives, most having never read any philosophy? I think that it's because a truth remains a truth. Even when you are saying the same thing a different way, it doesn't necessarily mean that you've ripped off an idea from someone else. It's because it is rational and wise thought that prevails. 

"Early on in college I didn't feel like I was really wanted at Michigan. There were very, very good players on that team, and I didn't always think I was one of them. I certainly didn't think I'd play in the NFL, at least not until about midway through my senior year, when it started to become a reality." LINK

Tom Brady was a backup quarterback his first two years at the University of Michigan. He was seventh on the depth chart at one point and he even hired a sports psychologist to cope with his anxiety and frustration.  He considered transferring to UC Berkeley, but something told him to stick it out at Michigan. When everyone else went home, he'd stay and watch tape. When everyone else stopped training during the off season Brady kept training. Without getting too much into statistics, his senior year wasn't all he hoped it would be. Michigan had just recruited Drew Henson and Brady shared playing time with the quarterback his senior year. Nevertheless, Brady won 20 of the 25 games he started. 

Probably due to sharing quarterbacking duties with Henson his senior year, the NFL draft wasn't was at all what Tom Brady expected. He wasn't selected until the 6th round by the Patriots. He was the 199th player picked in the draft that year. Considering that he is better known than those picked in the top 10 that same year is a testament to the work he put in starting at fourth string for the Patriots. His rookie season he threw for 6 yards. In 2011 he threw for 5,235 yards.

To keep from writing about politics and going down that rabbit hole, I've been thinking about how quarterbacks are essentially the Generals of the field. This is probably due to football season just having started and checking my Fantasy Football roster every few hours, but I think these guys have to have something that allows for them to progress even though (at times), the media and the fans are disappointed, doubtful and angry with them. They stand in the middle of turmoil looking for a strategy knowing that any second some linebacker can break free and pummel them. If their defense doesn't hold up, they are expected to make up the difference over and over, each time they take the field. They are blamed for losses that are sometimes beyond their control.

Quarterbacks can play one of the toughest games of their lives and lose by three points, but still have fans that just "give up" on them. This is, of course, until the next Sunday when they throw for 400 yards and win by a landslide. The public is fickle this way and I guess the players have to learn this. If they didn't, they would be beating themselves up so badly that they wouldn't be able to pull out of their ruts. I'm guessing that during the season they stay away from ESPN or any print media that analyzes the game. 

"We all have experiences in our lives that change us, and we can learn from people, like my dad, but at the end of the day, it's only us. And we're only responsible to make ourselves happy." - Tom Brady

Like all of us, Brady has had his emotional moments like yelling at receivers and losing his composure, but the amount of pressure and temptations that a person like a Tom Brady or Drew Brees goes through is something that we can't fathom. All in all, Brady keeps his composure like most high ranking quarterbacks. The true test isn't whether you can suppress all emotion, but how you use it. How does it effect you, your teammates, and the score? If you can rationally step back and say that it only made things worse, then you let emotions rise above rational thought and wisdom.

We all know the feeling of going off on someone and thinking of how we could have better handled it later. It's always something we regret, isn't it? So the trick is to think first, and handle it the right way the first time. Peyton Manning has these outbursts pretty regularly, even when it's not the receiver's faults and it sometimes makes him look spoiled and silly. Meanwhile, Brady has maintained a humbleness that a lot players don't have, perhaps due to the fact that he had to work his way to the top. He wasn't a first round draft pick, he wasn't a huge college star, he wasn't drafted to a team that had years of success behind them like the Dallas Cowboys. 

Richard Sherman, who doesn't have a humble bone in his body, trash talked Tom Brady after a game and tweeted a picture with "U mad bro?" across it. When Tom Brady was asked about Sherman he replied, "We win with graciousness, when we lose we could do better. Some teams don't always do that or that's not their program...Look, they advanced. The only way to counter that is to beat them. When you don't win...you just gotta shut your mouth and listen to it. When you get an opportunity down the road, maybe that's a source of motivation."

I'm not saying that Brady or any other football player in the country is a philosophical role model, but considering the pressure and scrutiny they are put through I find it interesting how they handle it. Now, would I take 20 million a year until the age of forty to go through this type of public scrutiny? Probably so. Considering the sport itself, with its trials on and off the field, if I were a coach, manager, or owner I would be handing out the literature of the Stoic Philosophers and the Bible for free.


Another stoic who was a phenomenal player was Barry Sanders who played for the Detroit Lions. He retired while he was still young and healthy but remains to this day one of the best running backs to play the game. Instead of celebrating after a touchdown he would usually just hand the ball over the referee and walk off the field. The video below pretty much sums up his character. This is something you don't see too often anymore...

Money

"For my part, the thing that I would wish to obtain from money would be leisure with security. But what the typical modern man desires to get with it is more money, with a view to ostentation, splendour, and the outshining of those who have hitherto been his equals."

 Bertrand Russell

Don't Write for the Sake of Writing

“Empty is the argument of the philosopher which does not relieve any human suffering.” 

Epicurus

If you aren't interested in a subject why write about it? If it's about human suffering and you don't offer any relief whatsoever, I no longer see the point. Why give someone a long article (or book) to read about their problems, unless your goal is to let them know that there is someone else in the same boat as them? Other than that, a writer should give the reader insight, even if it's just a few things he or she has learned along the way. If Anne Frank can do it with the circumstances surrounding her, we all can.

If you want to blog about a miserable break up, by all means, go for it - but don't expect a lot of people to read it unless it adds something to their lives. People are selfish that way. The only service you'd be offering is emotional voyeurism to those that get off on that kind of thing. These aren't the kind of readers you want. They will tune out as soon as things get better for you. Why would they continue to read your blog when Facebook is full of people bragging? But...at least you're not writing for the sake of writing.

If you are writing a paper for a class, that's one thing, but why subject yourself to the process of writing in your free time unless it's something that you find meaningful. Who wants to spend their free time feeling like they're working on an assignment they dread? That's pointless and you will soon give up.  I know that Epicurus is a philosopher and that his point pertains to philosophy, but each of us has a philosophy about something. It's all around us.

Even fiction can have moments of inspiration; the hero's journey or some other insight into human nature that can be worth writing or reading about. Film, in some regard, can have the same effect because it had to be written before it was put on the screen. There are movies like Winter's Bone and Frozen River that are well made and the acting is great - but so very depressing. I just can't watch them anymore. Life can be hard enough. Why invite more pain and darkness in?

As far as writing - if I don't have something I really want to talk about or something (that I really don't want to talk about) from my past that might help one person that can relate - then it isn't worth the time and effort. Other than having something to say, it's just trying too hard and becomes pretentious at some point.  Don't write to write just so you can tell your buddies you're a writer. Write because it's something that you've got to get out there, it's something that can help others, something humorous, or entertaining - even sad.  Even in our darkest moments there is the human will to pull out of the mire. Don't leave that part out.

Keep in mind, there is no perfect writer - there are good reads and bad reads. Your main goal is for someone to enjoy reading your stuff. My major was English literature and I don't even follow all of the rules. I do my best to make things readable and entertaining, but I've stopped getting wrapped up in punctuation and the like. It makes the process a mere process and not a statement from a human perspective. Some of the greatest writers have long run on sentences like Kerouac and even Stephen King has an editor. I would rather read something good and from the heart of someone who has a 5th grade education than something boring and dry from someone with a doctorate.

So you want to be a writer? That's mistake #1 - another good article on this subject by Ryan Holiday

Dealing with Gossip

Let a person think what they will about you and (whenever possible) use whatever it is to your advantage. If what they think and say about you is true or false makes no difference. Take control in this game of pettiness. Like a game of chess you can take command of the board with one subtle move. You are in control of only one thing in this world and that is your thoughts (everything else follows). You might think you control other people and things but truly, thinking is the only strength you have. Instead of seeing this as a disadvantage we must see the opportunity in it. It's not lying that I recommend but to see things in a new perspective. If you are wrong, you are wrong and that is something that must be corrected, but if you are being used by others so they can feel better about themselves this can also be corrected.

There will always be gossip in this world. It can be damaging to careers, families and income. The gossip can be true or false but the saying - 'Don't throw stones from glass houses,' almost always applies. There is usually dirt on both the giver and the receiver of gossip. No one is perfect, we are all guilty of something (if not guilty of the exact thing they are gossiping about). There is surely something each of us has done or we are currently doing that we wouldn't want anyone else to know about. In fact, the gossiping itself, should be something these people are ashamed of. It's one of the worst things one human can do to another.

This is very prevalent in business where it's 'dog eat dog' and there is always this sense of one-upmanship to impress some boss or client. Instead of showing what we can do and the advantages of doing business with us, we sometimes put down the "competition" and think by making them look bad that it will make us look better. This rarely is the case, but we still try this tactic all too often. It not only changes the perception that someone has of you and your character but also can snowball into a game of back and forth that can go on for way too long. Of course gossip is gossip because it's not saying the thing you don't like about someone to their face but behind their backs, If someone enters your office and starts to talk quietly  - beware. Even if what they are saying about someone else is true, the fact that they don't want to be involved with the aftermath means that somehow you, yourself, will be caught up in it eventually.

So, let's say the petty game has already started and some competitor has already told your current client that you haven't made them a priority and that they would be a much better fit. First of all, where did they get this information? Usually from nowhere and no one. They are simply pulling this from their bag of tricks. It doesn't matter who you are. If it were anyone else they would be saying the same lines and perhaps worse. Of course, the client can pull out of a contract they have with you at anytime, but if you've done your job well they will remember this and question the sales tactic of the person they are speaking to. If you have slacked off, they will be more likely to fall for the salesmen and this now out of your hands, You simply must step up your game and try to save the account. Don't resort to their tactics and be virtuous. This will go a long way and you will already have the upper hand.

If you have been a hard worker and have gone out of your way for this client then you can play to the misconceptions of the competing sales team while keeping your sanity and not falling into a petty trap. Let the client say how hard of a worker you are and how you've never steered them wrong. They will soon see the error of their tactics. If you do encounter a competitor, a little bit of sarcasm might be involved. A silly reply to someone that is after you hurts their pride because they see you aren't nearly as petty, worried, and stressed as they are. They will see that you don't have to use the ridiculous tactics that they feel they must use to get ahead. It shows that you are confident enough to let the chips fall where they may, which means that you must think it will go your way. It's a mental game of cat and mouse where sometimes, by magic, the cat becomes the mouse and the mouse, a cat. No matter how tough people act on the exterior it's easy to get under their skin. Don't use their tactics of putting someone else down to make yourself look better. Keep your conscious clear and play the game with 'do what is right' in mind.

A lot of times we don't even know about the gossip until someone tells us. They may think they are helping us by telling us what's going on and in some cases, if it effects your job or family, this makes sense - but if it's something petty I would rather 'Bob' keep it to himself. We have enough crap in our lives to worry about without the guy in the cubicle next to us needlessly adding to it. If Bob wants to tell you every time someone says something about the shirt you're wearing, let Bob know you don't give a crap by saying something like - 'Yeah Bob, are you the only person in the office that doesn't know how bad I dress? I do this on purpose.' That will probably be the last time Bob waste your time with that sort of pettiness.

Simple gossip can turn into slander and bullying in some environments. This can be very harmful to females. To say that a successful woman slept her way to the top or for teenage girls to gang up and label a girl they don't like (usually a girl they are threatened by) a slut on Facebook can really hurt that person's life in so, so many ways. Not only can it hurt their reputations, but in some cases it can send someone into a depression so bad that it makes them not want to get out of bed in the morning. What horrible people there are in this world to wish this upon another human being, especially one that never personally harmed you in any way. Sad thing is, we have probably all been a part of this process in some way - especially when we were younger.

This is when we must tap into our inner selves and God. You know the truth and that is what matters. I know that this is much easier said than done, but even if you did sleep with a "boss" or you are a teenage girl who has made mistakes and slept around looking for affection you must remember you are not your mistakes - you are not your sins. You can always learn from your mistakes and that is between you and God. Who you are and who you become doesn't rely on the opinions of others unless you let it. What you've done is a lot different than Who you are. It's a very strange thing to care about what people think about us when they don't even like themselves but we do it everyday.

“I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.” - Marcus Aurelius

Understand that the people who are engaged in gossip about you are very insecure and undisciplined. We are all guilty of gossip at one time or another. Think about the place you were in when you gossiped and what was really going on in your head. Wasn't most of the reason you were gossiping to make yourself feel better? It's very selfish indeed. A lot of times it's jealously that breed's gossip. If someone sees that you are doing well in the same business they are in, instead of looking in and seeing that they might not be working as hard, it's easier to throw around the 'sleeping her way to the top' gossip, especially if the the female she is gossiping about is more physically attractive, which goes back to jealously. Needless to say, all gossipers (ourselves included) have issues.

Success is its own reward. If you are the person being gossiped about, continue to work on yourself and try to get a few supportive friends who you trust and talk the issue out with them. Don't let the gossipers halt any progress you've made or plan to make in your life. Don't let them make you hate yourself. Misery loves company and this would be a win for them.

In a school environment, this has become a priority so you can go up the chain until parents are called, staff is on the lookout etc. This will usually cut off the blatant attacks but the subtle ones might still remain. You can either let them stew in their own self-hatred while you work on yourself and let them see you grow and succeed or, if you think that they will continue and not move on, you can confront them in a calm manner telling them that you see the weakness in what they are doing. If they are crazy enough for you to feel physically threatened then in it's not worth that, and the authorities need to know. In this case, if there is some harmful escalation, there will already be a record of your report at school or with some other authority that they cannot ignore. Don't be afraid to take measures to protect yourself from harm. Just keep reporting until the right person takes control of the situation. Better to be know as a snitch than physically harmed. Believe me, high school is but a blip in your life that very few really enjoyed. Most of what you'll enjoy about high school is the friends and the things that happened while you weren't actually on campus.

If someone has wronged you and you need to talk this out with someone you trust, this is not gossip. This is part of being in community with other humans. Our problems are pretty universal so we shouldn't be afraid of talking. This isn't the kind of gossip that needlessly hurts other people, it's normal, rational talk that moves things forward. You are not gossiping about gossipers when you talk to your parents about them. This is not the same thing.

For those of us that are adults and it's workplace drama we are dealing with, refer back to 'Success is its own reward.' Don't give them any traction. Let your life move on and if the gossip doesn't stop and effects your work then you must either confront the gossiper or talk to someone within the company that deals with this kind of harassment. Human resources is usually a good place to start. You aren't whining. You're calmly saying that this has gone on too long and that the company must take responsibility at some point and put an end to the foolishness. They know that if they don't it doesn't look good on them and if for some reason it does cause you to lose your job, a lawyer will happily make sure that you are compensated.

Turn the other cheek? Yes, doing this means that you are not to return insult for insult. You are not to play their game. You, going about your life and cutting this off  in a grown-up way when people don't have the sense to do so themselves isn't retaliation but really is for the common good, because they usually just move on to another target. Don't fret, it will always bite them in the end even if you don't see it happen. Look at the lives of those who accomplished so much with non-violence. Peaceful resistance has overthrown governments. They are thought of as good while the attackers lose in the end, the world remembers them and gives them great respect while the attackers and slanderers are given the cold shoulder and a stern review historically. There are good people out there that will see how well you are handling the situation and if they are brave enough they will see the flaws of someone attacking a person that doesn't attack back and will join in the fight to end it. Sometimes it's someone else that speaks up and ends the aggression.

This has happened in history many times. Ghandi was physically harmed and so were his followers. They continued to not retaliate against aggression and in return they gained the respect of the world. They got what they were after without having to resort to the insanity of the world and it's normal forms of revenge. If they had taken the normal steps to overthrow regimes, India might still be under British rule and many more people would have lost their lives. Martin Luther King, Jr. is another example. There were only so many televised beatings of a peaceful crowd (who didn't retaliate) that people were able to watch before things started to change and the movement gained respect and power. When you take the ego out of the conflict, you become powerful. This is what I mean by being able to use what people think, good or bad, to your advantage. Things can change very quickly when you make the right move.

In the garden, Jesus told Peter to put away his sword after he chopped a guards ear off when they came to arrest Jesus. He healed the guards ear and told Peter that if you live by the sword you will die by the sword. I was perplexed by this statement when I was younger but how many young men have to die on the streets in drive-by shootings before we see that this is so very true? How many fights over something petty, that could have been handled differently, ended with someone dying?

There is a time for everything and I'm no expert on the subject of gossip since I myself have even been a part of it on occasion.  What I'm getting at is sometimes the most common methods of dealing with things (revenge or starting gossip of our own) isn't the best way. It isn't the way that usually works because it's an emotional subject that can keep us from thinking rationally. If you are wrongfully accused and the accusers do win in the end, then there is a much bigger plan than we can imagine. We must de-sensitize ourselves to gossip. Especially if it is of the usual petty sort that last for a few hours or days and then is over. A lot of what keeps the weak going is knowing that they can feed off of your pain. If you have no worries about it, they will surely be confused and move on. Like I said - misery loves company. If they move on to another victim, don't be afraid to talk to this person and give them some insight into what the minds of these gossipers are like. Soon the busybody or busybodies will be outnumbered and will either see the error in their ways (in which case they should be forgiven for their mistakes) or they themselves will be the outcast. People know that they cannot trust a gossiper (even a fellow gossiper). If they are gossiping about someone who's not in the room, they will wonder what is being said when they aren't around which causes the entire process to eventually implode.