Disadvantages Can Improve Your Chance of Success

I found this Malcolm Gladwell interview pretty enlightening. Some of what we see as obstacles cause us to learn a better way or try harder etc. Disadvantage can actually be catalyst for future successes or innovation. Just listen to the names of millionaires with dyslexia that he list. There are so many it almost makes you wonder if being dyslexic is a prerequisite for a certain income.

12 Public Speaking Tips to Become Sturdy Minded

I've done some public speaking recently (twice in two days), which may be a surprise to anyone who's read some of my bleaker posts about this subject in the past. I'm not saying that this is something easy to get over (by no means) or that I'm completely at ease yet myself, but I thought I'd post a few things that have helped me out over the last few days and have made me much more comfortable. It's strange, but right now I'm feeling like I want more practice with it - which is a long way from the days where I would dread the experience from the moment I found out that it was coming until the moment the I was in front of a group.

The more comfortable I get with myself in front of a group, the more I feel as if a weight that I've been carrying half of my life is finally being lifted off of me. I even smiled a few times behind that podium because "It's been a long time coming." How ridiculous that I've let this hinder me for so long. I know that I have a long way to go, but taking these steps of doing and not avoiding (like I used to) has been good for me. I can already tell that the more I do this, the less of a 'big deal' my mind will make out of it. To show you how small I'm starting and how far I have to go - I haven't spoken in front of more than 15 people yet and my comfort level somewhat depends on who is in my small audience. If I know there's a rude or judgmental person there, I'm a little more anxious (which is something I've got to get past). Why let one or two people ruin progress? I've noticed from watching any public speaking, that there are people in the audience that will be judgmental no matter who is up in front of them. These are usually the people that would hate to be up there themselves.

Below is what has helped me and I didn't learn all of this on my own so I'm going to give credit where credit is due...

1. If possible, start speaking in front of 10 to 15 people. Where it's work related you can start by just reading and going over the facts without getting too much into personal stories etc. As you get comfortable that will come later.

2. I know this goes against what all of the public speaking "experts" teach but don't be afraid to make a joke out of your nervousness. The "experts" say you don't want to draw attention to it but if you think they will notice anyway, take the pressure off yourself by being real. They will usually laugh at this if it's done in a certain way. There is usually no reason,while public speaking, to make everything so serious. The more self-effacing and friendly you are, the more likely you'll get warm feelings back towards you. If someone in the audience is jerky enough to take advantage of that; you have the podium (so to speak), so you can shut them down (if even sarcastically).

3. Remember half of your audience isn't listening to you and the other half just hopes you don't call on them.

4. Smile - Smiling changes the brain. When you grin (even a small sly grin) it eases the tension. At least it has been working for me. You don't have to stand up there grinning like the Cheshire cat but every now and then helps the brain snap into a better mood and sense of well-being.

5 Breathing - this has been a biggie for me. I did not realize how much effective breathing can ease the tensions in my body. Here are the breathing videos I recommend (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched at one point)...



6. Realize that some things just can't be fixed with your head. Whether you're reading book after book on the subject but never putting it into practice, or you're backstage trying to think about how special you are because you read it in one of those books - there are some things you can't think yourself out of. Sometimes the best way to fix your head is to get out of your head - see  the videos below for better explanations (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched)...



7. If needed, get with your doctor or psychiatrist about prescriptions that will help with the nerves while you practice and get better at public speaking. If permitted by a physician, perhaps you can taper down the amount taken as you get more comfortable being in front of an audience - up to the point where you no longer find the medication necessary because your brain has rewired itself to see public speaking as something that isn't life threatening or as big of a deal as you once made it. The typical medications a doctor might prescribe would be Xanax or beta-blockers. Of course, it'd be great not to have to use them at all but it depends on how extreme the fear is. If it's to the point where you'd rather drive off into the distance, lose your job, and leave your family behind because your company wants you to give 20 minute speech, then perhaps your psychiatrist can give you something to help you get over that hump. While feeling the fear isn't a bad thing, there's no reason you have to suffer more than the average person does before they do public speaking. Even pets are given sedatives during thunderstorms.

8. When you can, use a podium. I love podiums. You can sort your paperwork out on them, hide those shaky hands you usually get at first. Lean on it for a rest when you want (but they will think you're doing it for effect). Use one when possible. Politicians have it made, besides debates they have a podium and teleprompters to read off of.

9. Don't over-prep. Over-preparing can make you more nervous (it does me). Have some bullet points you'd like to hit and go from there. You don't have to memorize a speech or practice it over and over. That's overkill and it makes being in front of other people as different than other parts of your life. Do you have to practice what you're going to say to your buddy or family members over and over before you talk to them? I know you want to be a little more prepared when you have a message that has to be relayed to a group of people but I'm done with over-prepping and the 'practicing in the mirror' bit.

10. Remember it's not about you, the world doesn't revolve around you. They don't care as much as you think they do. You're actually up there just having a conversation with fellow human beings.

11. Change your Diet for the better - I will get more into this later but I've cut way back on dairy and carbs and I'm feeling a lot calmer. Also, the better shape you're in, the better you'll probably feel in front of a group. Especially if you haven't nailed down that "I don't give a crap what they think" part yet.

12. Last trick I have that is still taking me some time to get a complete grip on - The more you don't care if you appear nervous or that people will notice your blushing, shaky hands, shaky voice etc. - the less nervous you will be. As a result of not caring if they notice, the symptoms are eliminated :). This probably goes hand in hand with #2 on this list. The less you care what others think, the better off you'll be.

"The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think."

I Will Be Glad When This Crap Is Over

In my post Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 2 I mentioned how "I will be glad when this crap is over" when writing about how I was feeling without nicotine at that point. Trying my best not to sound like someone in an AA meeting, but failing - I've now gone 37 days without any tobacco products and I'm finally over the hump. I rarely feel that need I was feeling in the beginning. I know that I've got to be careful. My dad likes to smoke a cigar on Thanksgiving and here we are, already close. No matter how tempting I must refrain, because with nicotine I'd be off the bandwagon with just the one cigar.

So, if it gives anyone hope - it really does get better. Let's compare this feeling I'm having now without any withdrawal to what I said a little over a month ago on 10/17/14 -

After lunch today I felt like something was missing and it made me a little sad when I realized it was the nicotine,because it's not like a piece of gum or mint will ever give that same satisfaction. The people that tell you to buy a lot of gum and hard candy really don't know what it's like to be addicted to nicotine. Those are the people that must have smoked 5 or 6 cigarettes a day. "Oh yeah, chew on this piece of gum and you won't be pissed at the world anymore," they say. Now, I have a jaw that is sore from chewing gum on top of being pissed at the world.

Public Speaking and OCD

I'm thinking that my aversion to public speaking has something to do with making a big deal out of every little mistake I make and every little thing that people do in my audience (no matter how large or small). I have some meetings today where I'm sharing the lead role as presenter with another co-worker and so far, so good. I think starting small is a good thing. Start with a small group, get comfortable speaking in front of them and go from there. If you must, like I did, you can even start from scratch - be the one who volunteers to read a paragraph out loud etc. Someone who is a perfectionist tends to put their self-worth on how good they are seen by others. If a speaking engagement goes badly then I must be a weak and horrible person who has no place in society? Where did I get that? Maybe it's from holding on to crap that happened in school at those moments when big deals were made out of truly petty situations.

Breathing and attitude has a lot to do with how your presentation will go also. If you are making it into something besides communicating with other humans (in essence, holding a conversation with several people instead on one person) then you can overthink it. You can make it to where you feel as if you mispronounce a word, or have a moment where you can't think of the right word - instead of laughing it off, you turn it into a big deal and start the negative self talk which does you no good. I've been down that dead end road too many times.

I've had some cases where I can see someone leaning in to talk to the person next to them and I assume they are talking about me whether they are or not. Actually, it should make no difference but it still registers. I've even have had a few, that after they hear what this whisperer is saying to them, actual laugh out loud. Loud enough for everyone to hear (like it was just soooo funny). I think I'm going to start calling these people out like they are in the second grade and ask them if they have anything they'd like to share because it is very childish. Usually, these loud mouths aren't so brave when they are put on the spot. It's usually because of their on self-consciousness and feelings of insecurity that they do this kind of stuff. They want to draw this limited amount of attention to themselves (look at me, I'm cool and better), but not so much attention that the tables could turn on them. Maybe everyone else can see right through them anyway and I should just let them make fools of themselves. Maybe it's OCD and wanting everything to go perfect that causes this to be a bigger deal than it should. If you don't care, then maybe they can tell you don't care and it makes them feel even dumber than if you were to call them out on it. You see? That's why it's good to write and keep a journal - so you can work this kind of stuff out.

Being the leader you can control the relaxedness or tenseness of the environment. So if you decide that an open conversation with someone in the audience will calm yourself and show the audience some naturalness then you might start with that. You might bring so food and drinks for them to snack on (and make noise with) to take all of the focus off of yourself. I'm really thankful right now that I'm in a position where things can be taking slowly instead of having my boss tell me that I will be speaking at a convention next week with a thousand people. I know that I've written about this before and that I can be pretty dramatic but today (for some reason) the drama has lessened and I'm seeing more people that are like me, would rather avoid speaking in public if they have to, but are adult about listening to what I have to say without judgement. Maybe I've been around the wrong people for too long? People that see someone is uncomfortable and take advantage of that situation to make themselves feel better are people that I've dealt with before but (like I've said before) the less I care about trying to be perfect or not show any signs of nervousness while public speaking then the less I will have these traits when I've the center of attention. It's similar to that Aurelius quote I've worn out - "reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."


Of note:

This little trick has worked pretty well for me before public speaking...

Rikk Wilde - look him up on YouTube if the link is already taken down. I wouldn't say to watch this for laughs like some jerks do, but to read the comments. You will see that you are not alone in this whole public speaking thing. The poor guy has millions of hits on YouTube but people are really defending him because they know how he feels. There is an empathy there that you don't get with a lot of other subjects. There is a reason this video is out there and I don't think it's because people are enjoying watching someone suffer.

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 12

I've actually made it to day 12. It's been a journey full of scattered thoughts, mood swings, and binge eating until I can't feel my legs - but it's getting better. Right now, I have no desire for nicotine. Oops, spoke too soon, there it is.

Really, my cravings are becoming less frequent. There are certain things that seem to set off the need for tobacco that I've discussed before. I could have used a huge cigar at the end of the Saints' game last weekend. If they could win a game then my Sundays would be a little more sunshine and less the Morrissey version of "silent and grey." I'm not much of a Sunday person anyway, so the Saint's losing the game in the last 3 minutes only made it more depressing. Why I'm upset because some millionaires lost a game is beyond me.

I still get that flush of dopamine every now and again when I think about smoking. They say it gets released when you're expecting a reward, whether the reward actually comes or not. Problem is, I'm unable to fulfill the expectation so I look to other things like food and drink. My time on the treadmill has gone up a little (probably due to the need to burn off some stress) but I'm sure I'm making up for it in calories. I had two beers last night, plus a lot of appetizers at the restaurant we went to. No real food that I can think of in the last few days. That will have to be the next step once I'm over this hump - getting my diet back on track. If I don't reign this in I will end up on the news, being fork-lifted out of my house while my moo moo flaps in the wind.

I've learned that knowing something is bad for you doesn't mean that you will make a change. The thoughts about something being bad for you have to align with your emotions in order for you to quit a bad habit or start a good one. That's why most of the time, when life changes are made, it's because of an emotion like fear. You're much more likely to have a clean diet if your doctor tells you that you're borderline diabetic and you're more apt to quit smoking if you're told that you have spots on your lungs. Sad but true. Maybe I'm lucky that it didn't take a scare to make me quit nicotine? There was some other emotion that lined up with the intellectual part of me knowing it was bad for me, even though I can't really put my finger on it I'm sure a small part of it was fear. Next step will be to get my diet back under control instead of using quitting smoking as the excuse. Guess it will take lining the intellectual and the emotional up again. Now back to listening to Viva Hate because what's a better answer to any problem than knowing it's all going to end one way or another - "Armageddon, come Armageddon."

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 5

Tolkien

I now know why many of the great writers smoked. There is a creative kick that comes from nicotine that I really do miss. I guess I started young enough to not realize this effect, but now that it's gone I notice it big time. I hope that is a feeling that I haven't lost...

I still have a good amount of brain fog. Not as tired anymore, but just as grouchy. Last night was the hardest night yet. I truly don't know how I made it through. I miss that clear headed feeling (hard to describe) that I get from nicotine, after a meal especially. It really sucks to not have that little reward system. Sometimes when I'm done with a project or chore, I crave that hit just as bad as after a meal. There is this feeling in my head that something is clogged and if only I'd give it nicotine, it would open everything up (mentally). But, I know that this will eventually go away.

Too bad that there are such horrible side effects with tobacco use because I would be smoking like a chimney. After lunch today I felt like something was missing and it made me a little sad when I realized it was the nicotine, because it's not like a piece of gum or mint will ever give that same satisfaction. The people that tell you to buy a lot of gum and hard candy really don't know what it's like to be addicted to nicotine. Those are the people that must have smoked 5 or 6 cigarettes a day. "Oh yeah, chew on this piece of gum and you won't be pissed at the world anymore," they say. Now, I have a jaw that is sore from chewing gum on top of being pissed at the world.

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 3

So tired...Would still love to have some nicotine to break through this chemical barrier in my head. Have a few people to apologize to but I will wait until this is all over and just get it all done at once. I am less anxious than I thought - just crave the hit. Hardly anyone knows I'm doing this. I don't need the pressure and the early congrats can be a little degrading (or seem so at least). Everyone gets to tell you how disgusting they think your habit is before you are even done getting over it. At this point, they may still have to deal with it so I don't need to hear their future disappointment.

sturdyminded: Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 3 http://t.co/LzC2taXoZP
— parker todd (@sturdyminded) October 15, 2014

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 2

Yesterday wasn't too bad, but today I will take nicotine in just about any form available - cigarette, chewing tobacco, gum, tea, vapor - whatever. I might end up like Michael Douglas in Falling Down where I just park my car on the side of the rode and lose my mind by the time this is over. This morning, I woke up mad at the world and a little more anxious than I expected to be. I stopped at a convenient store on the way to work and everything just ticked me off. Someone had the nerve to walk right in front of me in the parking lot and while I was checking out, the guy in line behind me was talking real loud to the cashier like anyone gives a crap about what he has to say! Wait until it's your turn, you loudmouth.

I'm kind of going back and forth between being pissed at the world and being in a complete brain fog where everything seems petty. I did read that nicotine has the tendency to make things into a bigger deal than they are, which probably explains some of this haze I'm in and the not giving a crap about certain stuff that would normally bother me. Of course, there's some stuff that I usually don't get upset about that's making me ridiculously ticked off. Maybe I shouldn't drive for a few days?

Someone I talk to daily (on the phone at work) said I didn't sound like myself - they thought it was probably the job getting to me. Well, the job isn't helping and I probably grumble more than I should but it's mainly the nicotine withdrawal this time. The next two days were supposed to be very busy and I really didn't know how I was going to handle it but God took care of it (yes, I believe that more everyday). Those appointments were cancelled until later in the month, so my week is looking a little better (like I might make it). There are just too many coincidences that help me through that I can't chalk up to pure chance anymore. After reading this the other day, I've learned to just keep praying and things will work out for the best.

Sometimes, I kind of like this feeling because it can be numbing in a good way. There really is a fogginess and I can almost feel how it would lift with one hit of nicotine. I can almost feel the effects just by thinking about it. I know that this happens with a lot of substance abuse. The person that is addicted can sometimes get hints of the upcoming high before they even have the drug in their possession.  I know it'll eventually pass though (one hour at a time) and getting past this addiction will be something I've needed to do for quite a while.

What's really dumb is that I was completely over this addiction about 2 years ago until I bummed a cigarette off of a co-worker (after months of not even a craving). After a few days of bumming here and there, I wound up starting back at square one.  I'm fighting against my bodies normal routine of getting it's normal fix and right now it's freaking my mind and body out. I just have to make sure I don't let any other addictions take it's place. I have already noticed that I'm eating a little more than normal. At the store I was looking on the shelf for something that had had the look of tobacco (very strange). I guess beef jerky would have been close or maybe some sun flower seeds that tasted like a mix of salt and dirt shoveled up in Kentucky?
--
I feel like I'm missing some of my creativity - not sure what parts of the brain nicotine lights up as far as that goes. I have also had to proofread almost every sentence about 5 times. I will be glad when this crap is over.

When Every Comment Feels Like a Slight

Some of what makes a person timid and anxious is being way to sensitive to things that are just the way of the world. I've noticed this about myself on many occasions. I've always been the first to get defensive when I feel like I've been ridiculed or judged unfairly, and I'm quick to defend others that I feel are being picked on, but sometimes I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

I'm in middle management so I see both sides of the coin. I do my best, but I know employees will complain even if I act like Mother Teresa - so what non-management employees say doesn't bother me too much. If I didn't treat them right then they do have a lot of say in my position, but I'll never be the kind of company man that causes a mutiny - just some grumbling every now and again. It's when someone in upper management or who's in a position to effect my job and what they think about the work I do that gets to me more. I sometimes take things out of context or make something said into a slight against me when it's usually just their way of bragging on themselves or joking. A simple, "We never used to do it that way" - (in my head) can turn into "you're doing something wrong," or "you're incompetent."

A lot of it has to do with the tendency for people to use text and email more often than speaking face to face or over the phone. When I read something that be taken either way, I usually see it in a negative light. An email that says - "It's not your responsibility" can be said in a completely reasonable tone over the phone when I can actually hear the person's voice and it would be fine, but when it's typed out I have to guess whether they're upset or just stating a fact etc.

I'm debating whether it's a lack of 'being secure in myself' or that I have so much pride that I don't like it being messed with. I'm leaning more towards pride being the culprit due to the pride disabling my ability to be secure in myself. Without the pride, then I'd accept the fact that people aren't always going to tip toe around me, just like I don't tip toe around everyone in my life. Without the pride, I'd ask more questions and be more humble - not try to act like I know it all when I clearly don't. I'd be more authentic and this authenticity would not take everything as a slight because I'm just another guy in the workforce dealing with stuff that millions of others are dealing with right at this moment.

There is nothing special about my situation or the person's situation that I'm feeling offended by, so why take it so seriously? Without the pride I wouldn't try to portray myself as perfect (with these OCD qualities) and would be able to take some constructive criticism. Without the pride, I'd know when it's best to speak up or let something minor slide (and most of it's minor). Without the pride, I'd know my limits and wouldn't be afraid if someone else knew them. Like I've said before, if people know they can get to you with their comments because they see that you're sensitive to them - (not saying they will but) they can use it against you to get their way. They will tell you something to pump up that pride when they need something, and they can use a slight to prick that pride when they don't want you to do something or to get you to do it their way. If you're humble, then there is no pride to boost up and their is no pride to tear down. They no longer have that control. You can learn from your mistakes easier, and if they have a better way - the have a better way. If they are using you, you can say no without it being a big deal because you aren't concerned about having their approval. Humbleness leads to growth in any endeavor. The trick is to stay humble no matter how high in the ranks you rise. The least will be the greatest, the meek shall inherit the earth, and "because everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted."

"People sometimes say their feelings are hurt. But our feelings can’t be hurt! It is the ego that hurts - my sense of self, my identity. Our feelings are fine! It is my ego that hurts." - Tim Keller 

Wisdom and Action

If you'll notice, usually what people talk about the most is what they're most concerned or proud about. Most of what people think, talk, and write about is what's on the forefront of their minds. Likewise, when someone reads a quote or hears a talk that has an impact on them, it's because it's something that was on their mind. When people consider ways to improve themselves or their situations, they usually study up on what is bothering them the most or something that they need to work on. It is usually through struggle that people tend to search for answers. It is usually in a time of crisis that we find the strength to put what we've learned to the test and start to look for meaning through spiritual methods such as prayer.

This does make me wonder. Did Marcus write his meditations to overcome his weaknesses? Did he stray from his own wisdom often? Did those close to him see a different side of him, a part that did not follow his own advice? I would imagine so. Why else would he need to re-motivate himself. So often, we know what we should do and yet we don’t do it. This is when we fall from virtue. If I were perfect, I doubt I would need to write about how to strive for perfection. heroicstoic

Knowing what we should do and doing it can be challenging. We should cultivate good eating habits now to avoid health problems down the road, but many of us will not change our diets until we actually have a health issue that is the result of a poor diet. The same can be said for smokers that don't decide to quit until it's effected their health. It's part of our nature to go along doing what feels good and what deadens the bad feelings that we have now, avoiding changes that hurt in the short term but will make us happier in the long term. We can learn everything there is to learn about a subject, but until we use this knowledge in the real world it's pretty worthless. Trial and error is the key. Expecting perfection right from the start will only set you back. Avoidance will only make certain situations worse. Realize where improvement can be made and keep moving forward until that problem is a distant memory. It's hard to be in a good mood when we are struggling with something, so why not take the steps necessary to overcome the struggle? Life is too short to let depression, anxiety, and addiction keep us down.

What Debbie Downer Would Say About 'Keep Calm and Carry On'

The original Keep Calm and Carry On posters were made by the British in 1939 while the world was ramping up for WWII. They were propaganda posters meant to be used in times of crisis or invasion, but were put into reserve and never used. The poster wasn't seen by the public until 50 years later when a copy turned up at a bookstore where it made such an impression on the customers that they started to sell them. 

As popular as it is now, why was the poster never distributed during the war? While the simple slogan resonates with many of us today, when you are actually in a state of stress, there are those who think that the poster is quite contradictory to how the mind works. It's also very hard to keep calm when your entire city block has just been bombed by the Germans. "Oh, all I have to do is keep calm and carry on? Easy enough." Perhaps, the Ministry of Information thought about all of this 60 years ago and this is why it wasn't framed until 2000...

It’s now clear that the poster was the result of a compromise designed to save money for the Exchequer, and that the decision to keep the poster “in reserve” was only taken after the war had begun. So it’s something of an irony that this decision was influenced by a belief that the phrase was “too commonplace to be inspiring” and official fears that “it may even annoy people that we should seem to doubt the steadiness of their nerves”. The Treasury was adamant that the public would “resent having [the message] crammed down their throats at every turn”. - theconversation.com

Why has this meme become so popular that it can be found in homes all across Europe and the United States? Is there an uneasiness about us that needs the same reassuring that the British government thought it's population needed during a possible invasion? If, throughout the day, we need to look at a poster in our homes and offices that say KEEP CALM in bold letters then perhaps we're really as nervous as hell. The popularity of these signs probably has a direct correlation with the rise in mental health issues and in the pharmaceuticals we take in order to tame these modern turbulent brains. 

When it comes to being upset about petty stuff that may cause anxiety and anger, keeping calm isn't a bad thing. It might be a good poster to have in your kitchen when you're about the throw the peanut butter jar across the room because it didn't spread right and tore your bread. However, there will be some things in life that cause you to become emotional to the point where you can't immediately carry on until you know how to. While I've always admired the stoicism of the British, sometimes it's best to sit with a strong feeling of anxiety or righteous anger and see the possible productiveness in it. Perhaps there is a reason why we have hard times. Think of all the passionate projects that have come from emotions that some of us try to suppress. Loved ones are sad to see friends and family members dying of cancer, so foundations are started and money is raised. People are concerned, saddened, and angered by the soldiers coming back from war with missing limbs and brain injuries so the Wounded Warrior Project is started. Someone is anxious about the job they have or not being able to find a job, yet they somehow turn that anxiety into an entrepreneurial excitement that makes them happier in the long run.

Yes, it will be ‘business as usual’ right up to the day when the Son of Man is revealed. - Luke 17:30

Although this meme has a soothing effect on me, sometimes keeping calm is the last thing a person or population must do when they see their economy slowly collapsing and rights being stripped from them. I can see keep calm and carry on being flashed on a neon sign in Times Square 100 years from now in an Orwellian future where camera drones make sure you don't litter. No...make that 20 years from now. Keep Calm and Carry On is great on your wall at home but should never be posted by any government or large corporation.

I remember many people, the day after 9/11, saying "business as usual" - which didn't hit the ear right at the time. It had a lack of concern about it that made me wonder if we'd become a society so consumed with money and comfort that not having a Walgreens open on 9/12/01 would have been an even worse disaster. Of course, if we weren't shopping the next day, that would've meant the terrorist won. Just like I'm wary of using the phrase "business as usual", I never want to see a keep calm poster in a bank after they've just foreclosed on my home or posted by a government after martial law has been declared. As long as it's personal artwork I think it's great, but I can see some candidate in the near future hijacking this slogan. Stay tuned for more uplifting posts like, "How Ebola Will Wipe Us All Out".

The Fear of Being Noticeably Nervous

I remember the moment that this fear of being noticeably nervous started. I was in a history class in junior high and we were supposed to bring in these little newspaper articles about some subject that we would read out loud in front of the class. That day I'd forgotten to bring an article and had to get one from a friend who, for some reason, had an extra. I was in a hurry because I didn't want a bad grade for forgetting the article and perhaps because I didn't want to upset the teacher. He asked questions about the article we read afterwards (from what I can remember) so maybe I knew I wouldn't have the correct answers after only reading it once. But I wasn't extremely nervous about about reading out loud in front of the class. I'd done that many, many times without it being a huge issue. After all, everyone gets a little nervous when they're in the spotlight. Anyway, I'd worked myself up and by the time I got up there my hands and voice were shaking. I didn't think anyone noticed, so I kept reading and I knew from experience that this went away after a little while, but the teacher cut me off and said that I could sit down. So he noticed!? This blew my mind. In a way it was a relief to sit down, but in a way it was way worse than if he'd just let me continue until my nerves calmed. Then I wouldn't have thought that anyone noticed that I was nervous at all and the next time it would be back to not being that big of a deal again. Bad luck, or for a reason - that day has affected me in ways I never would have thought possible. It had a snowball effect.

This was the day that I became aware that others could tell more of what I was feeling inside than I thought possible. Sure, I knew that you could tell when someone was sad, but a little nervous? From then on, the anxiety got worse. Not because of the things I once worried about while giving a speech; like knowing the material and making my points relevant to the audience. Now, I was nervous about other people noticing that I was nervous! So those jitters that usually went away would NOT go away because instead of being able to relax as you go, your mind escalates the fear into a somewhat selfish "everyone notices everything I'm doing" state that makes you feel as if you're in a life or death situation (that feeling right after a car accident).

Being that we are social beings who attract others with characteristics like strength and knowing that someone could see my nervousness or hear it in my voice made me feel weak. "If they see I'm weak then I will be rejected, picked on, and lonely," the voice inside of my head says. Even if I could beat them sparring in a karate class, or even if I was smarter than most in the room - at that moment they've got me. They see where I'm weak and my ego from any success I've had is shattered in an instant. I didn't get the reading out loud nervousness (which I've got control of now) until my freshman year in a high school Civics' class when some thug was staring at me the whole time I was reading for some reason. It was like he was waiting for me to mess up or something. He'd already made some comments before that day that had the effect he was looking for. Needless to say, the sheltered, sensitive, only child with the fragile ego finally snapped and from then on I didn't like being the center of attention at all. How we can let the actions of a few make us miserable for years when they haven't even thought about us is just a matter of how we have programmed our minds.

Like the deodorant commercial with the tag line - "Never let them see you sweat". Well, they can't see me sweat but they can hear it in my voice. On a side note - It also turned into this perfectionism, which is not possible and toxic. What a mess. Maybe I need to master the art of 'not giving a crap' again. Instead of never letting anyone see us sweat, maybe not giving a crap if they do would eliminate the stress that causes the sweating in the first place.

If the only signs of nervousness were sweating under your arms, this would be my miracle cure.

The following quote is about blushing, but can be applied to worrying about others noticing a shaky voice, hands, sweating etc. It's about stopping the internal critical script by not caring if people notice...

"The more a person does not care if he/she blushes, the more the symptom will diminish." - Jonathan Berent

How to Surprise a Manipulator

Odds are, if you can put yourself into the category of being a people-pleaser, pushover, or a doormat (even on ocasion) then you've dealt with a lot of narcissistic and manipulative people in your lifetime. People that enjoy bullying or using manipulative behavior to get what they want are usually drawn to these personality types because these are the people that they have power over - these are the people that they get their strength from (like emotional vampires). If it weren't for people that let them get away with it, these people would be nobodies. People would simply call them out each time they tried their bullying and they would hold no positions of power. Their shaming, anger, and flattery would all be in vain.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. " - Eleanor Roosevelt

Any day now, a people-pleaser could wake up and say, "You know what? This is BS. I don't deserve this." So, if you're the type of person that uses people, don't be surprised when an individual or group has finally had enough of you. That will be the day when the manipulation stops, because you cannot control someone who doesn't give you control. It doesn't mean that the bullied needs to rise up and become the bully or that, if you are the one being manipulated, you have to get emotional, call them up and curse them out right this minute. All that it means is their tactics won't work on you anymore like they used to. The good thing about this is that the manipulator will see this change soon enough. It won't take them long to realize they've lost control. If they see that your emotional well-being no longer depends on their mood or what they say, then not only will they move on to an easier target, but you're essentially free.

I remember when I was a kid and I asked my parents why there were homeless people and the reply was - "It's usually because they can't work for other people." In other words, the ego of the homeless did not allow them to follow rules or "play the game"? Of course, I now know there are a myriad of reasons a person might become homeless - substance abuse, severe mental disorders etc. Maybe there is some grain of truth to what my parents said, but if you're truly miserable working for an insane person and you've decided to stand your ground for the sake of your sanity, then I don't see how this can be a bad thing.

Now, if you're working for someone that has good days and bad days like the rest of us, but doesn't ever take it out on you personally, then maybe you're being to sensitive. Just because you're boss doesn't greet you at the door because he's busy with something else doesn't mean he's out to get you. What I'm talking about here are the complete narcissist that expect their employees to be doormats. The type that enjoy the small power trip they gets out of making others feel bad.

Narcissists and manipulators may even come across as nice people. Notice I don't say good people, because there is an underlying quality to them that we can't ignore - something that you can feel. They will use a kind word or flattery every now and again to make us more supple, easier to mold, and more likely to bend to their wishes. They usually go from one extreme to the other, always keeping those that have to deal with them guessing what kind of mood they will be in. It's a pretty sick game.

There is a scene in "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (David Fincher's version) where the bad guy, Vanger, asks his victim to come in for a drink. Now, Blomkvist (the potential victim) has already figured out that Vanger is a psychopathic killer, but he still goes back inside the house for a drink knowing that it probably won't end well. We will actually put ourselves in danger to "not offend." Criminals, bullies, and manipulators use this against people everyday.

After Vanger has Blomkvist captive, he goes into this little speech that shows how our fear of coming across as impolite can make us do idiotic things, even when our gut is saying "run" or "fight" -

Let me ask you something. Why don't people trust their instincts? They sense something is wrong, someone is walking too close behind them. You knew something was wrong, but you came back into the house. Did I force you? Did I drag you in? No. All I had to do was offer you a drink. It's hard to believe that fear of offending me is stronger than the fear of pain, but you know what? It is. And they always come willingly, and they sit there, they know its all over, just like you do. But somehow they still think that they have a chance, maybe if I say the right thing, maybe if I'm polite, if I cry, if I beg. And when I see their hope draining from their face, like it is from yours right now, I can feel myself getting hard. But you know, we're not that different, you and I. Both have urges. Satisfying mine requires more towels.

The best thing that we can do for ourselves and for our children is to let them trust their gut instead of always insisting on politeness. Sometimes parents go too far with "respect your elders" or teaching a respect for people in authority (that shouldn't even be in a position of authority). We must watch out for people who will use this willingness to please against us. Charismatic cult leaders are notorious for this type of manipulation which causes group thinking and subservient behavior.

You're an adult. There are no "rules" in what your reply has to be and in which tone of voice you use when speaking to someone. There are ways to make people feel welcome that you enjoy talking to and a sense of common courtesy that we have (even with strangers), but it is still because you've decided that this is the correct behavior for that situation. Of course, we always start by treating people as we would want to be treated, but if they don't return the favor and for some reason feel the need to target you, it must be nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand. If they're sick enough to see kindness as a weakness that they can exploit, you must be more assertive with that individual before they get the idea you're an easy target. Even the stoics, who did their best to keep drama out of their lives, went to war with people when they had to.

In relationships, a manipulative or more controlling spouse/partner will sometimes use tactics they would never try on anyone else. If you've done something wrong, they may use guilt and shame to make you feel as if you have to fawn over. feel pity for, and fear their wrath in order to get back in their good graces - as if the guilt and shame you're feeling isn't enough. Every argument isn't because whoever you're dating or are married to is a narcissist. You can tell that you're with a true manipulator when you can see that they don't care about you personally; they will get what they want by any means necessary, even if that means you're crying at 3 am while they're sleeping like a baby.

Your spouse may have even gotten over whatever it is that you think was so bad, but they can't let you know that or they lose the upper hand. The real bad ones consciously know what they're doing and will even gloat about it to others. You see this sometimes in couples where the one being manipulated or verbally abused feels like they deserve it. Even if you are the one that originally broke the trust and have apologized repeatedly and have made an effort to stay with that person because you've seen the error in your ways - for them to use it against you and to make you feel like dirt is no way to live. Counseling would be a good idea here, because the counselor will be less likely to let them to get away with this behavior.  No one is perfect. You are not your mistakes. To hold a mistake against someone to the point where it becomes cruel is worse than ending the relationship completely.

I will admit, a lot of this is very situational considering the restraint that I've suggested in earlier post. Sometimes keeping your cool, especially when others are watching, makes the manipulator look ridiculous, which can work in your favor. But in this post, when we're dealing with someone that is possibly verbally abusive or has rejected you as a human being with feelings, then "keeping your cool" is usually the result of the fear of confrontation or offending. When dealing with a true narcissist, you don't have to over analyze it to the point where you feel sorry for them. You'll find that this is very common in the corporate world. You may bring up what's happening with this particular boss or co-worker and they are defended with, "he/she really does have a good heart, they just don't know how to get their point across."

Sometimes we even feel sorry for someone who is mean because we assume they must have other issues going on in their lives. We assume they have a good heart in there somewhere. Don't forget that even though this may be true, you have a good heart too and they are currently trying to take advantage of that. These are the times when you have to think about yourself. I know that it's not good to focus on ourselves at all times, and that it can backfire to be overly self-consumed, but sometimes what's best for you at the moment is to fight against the social norm and be a little aggressive without allowing yourself to become overly emotional. If you become too emotional when sticking up for yourself then they still have an advantage. I realize that this is easier said than done, especially when it is a situation that has been going on for awhile and you have a lot of feelings that are bottled up. They might not have gotten to you in the way that they intended but they still got to you if you are just as upset as you would have been before you decided to assert yourself.

All of that respect that you were taught that you had to give throughout your childhood and in high school is done. In reality - You don't have to do anything. People use this "logic" that we were taught against us every day. If you pay close attention to the words of those around us, be it the media, family, friends, or co-workers you will hear these little catch phrases that they use to get people to think as they do. Commentators on the news will even say, "What people have to realize..." or a boss might say, "what you need to do..." Yes, sometimes they are right and what they're saying might be helpful, but sometimes they are dead wrong. Do people really go to see Lady Gaga so that she can give a 20 minute rant on who they have to accept and what their political views should be? No, but give someone a little power and they feel like they can teach you something because they are more evolved, smarter, or above you.

You deserve respect no matter how little you think you deserve it. You deserve it starting today. You don't have to wait until you're seventy. Being nice to people is a good thing, but letting people bulldoze you because they think you're weak is something that only you can stop. Most of the time, if money weren't involved, half of the disrespect that we take would be ended very quickly but we have bills to pay so we keep taking their crap. This is very common. Almost everyone has had to deal with a narcissistic and manipulative boss. The manipulators of the world are fighting the ones that have dismissed or have fought back by labeling them as sensitive or lazy when they are called out on their bad behavior. Here is an example of what is given to people in corporations (as a "joke") when they complain about being treated badly...

Yes, there are people that will blow anything out of proportion, but instead of trying to see a little bit of truth in the employees point of view, there is this automatic - "People these days don't know what work is." Actually, I think there is still a strong work ethic. People have stood up for themselves since the beginning of time. Maybe it's the bosses of the world that have become more sensitive? Maybe they are the ones who have let their egos get out of control to the point that they've had to label the employee as the sensitive one when they can't believe that they aren't getting away with talking to people however they want. Other employees that hang on their every word like they are something special and put up with their nonsense can be enablers that make it harder on the group as a whole. It's much better when there is more than one person that stands up for themselves, but it usually starts with one brave soul.

So, how do you surprise a narcissists or a manipulator? You simply don't do what you have always done. You cut them off before they get too far and make your boundaries known. If necessary, you talk to them as you would a spoiled child. You let them know (in some way) that what they have been getting away with isn't acceptable. At first they might switch tactics - becoming angry or throwing a temper tantrum because they can't believe that you're actually standing up for yourself. This is a good point in the conversation where you want to keep strong and find a little humor their behavior.

When they see that none of the old tricks work on you, they will move on to someone that they can control. Manipulative people are usually weaker than they put on (or they wouldn't have to constantly throw their weight around). They are so used to getting their ego boosted by the "sly" tactics they use that when it fails, they either leave you alone, treat you differently, or (if it's a work situation) find a way to remove you from the company. Hopefully, there are leaders within the company that have enough reasoning to see that you don't deserve to be fired for sticking up for yourself. If not, do you really want to stay there anyway?

If a manipulator has somehow learned their lesson, then you can rightfully forgive them and move on from there. No need for a lot of drama. It's over and now the boundaries have been set. There are different ways of handling these types of people, but all of them should end with the bully knowing they are messing with the wrong person, even if you can do so without saying a word.

Other useful info on people pleasing, being addicted to the approval of others, and dealing with narcissists....
spartanlifecoach

Trying to Prove Something and the Need to Impress

"I try to keep in my mind the simple question: Am I trying to do good or make myself look good? Too many of our responsibilities get added to our plate when we are trying to please people, impress people, prove ourselves, acquire power, increase our prestige. All those motivations are about looking good more than doing good." - Kevin De Young 

I have had a problem with feeling that I have something to prove and a need to impress. When I have these feelings I need to remember that I'm coming from a place where I'm worried about what others think about me. If I wasn't worried about other's opinions then I wouldn't have anything to prove. I would just do the best I could do at what I was passionate about doing and let the work speak for itself; regardless of my need for compliments. Who am I trying to impress and why? Even if I do impress them, what difference does it make if I'm not happy? If I impress someone with the amount of money that I can make, but I'm miserable while I'm making the money, then the only benefit that I received was financial security. Having money can be a good thing, but not if I'm still miserable after I've made it. Who knows if the money's going to last?  There is nothing for sure, not even life itself. Few are satisfied with their finances, no matter how enviable it may seem to others. Enough is rarely enough.

Who are you trying to impress? Is it your parents, your wife, your kids, your friends, your co-workers? When you think about it, isn't it strange that no matter what age you are, you want to show off your new toys to a parent? Whether it's a car, a new iPad, or a movie that you think they should watch - we always want to see there reaction. If your dad is a redneck and he thinks it's funny you bought a Civic, or if your dad is an environmentalist and he's upset that you bought a Ford F250, should you care at 35 years old? Not really, but most of us still do. Parents are just one example, we get pulled in all directions by the opinions of others.

Speaking for myself, I can see a lot of times in my life where I'd made decisions based on the opinions of what others thought was best for me instead of what I thought was best. Sometimes, they saw something in me that maybe I didn't see and it worked out for the best. For instance, maybe your wife doesn't see you owning a landscaping company because you can't stand to mow the lawn at your own house. She's not taking your "dream" from you, but just trying to steer you clear of some misery further down the road. This is a good thing, but there are a lot of decisions that were clearly from the mind of someone else, that if I'd done what my gut told me instead of trying to please or impress, I'd probably be on a much better path.

There were jobs that I stayed at too long and should have quit sooner, jobs that I didn't take, or stay at long enough. There were things that I should have said that I didn't, and things that I shouldn't have said that I did.  I've made a lot of decisions because someone told me it was something I needed to do or not do, even when it went against my best interest. There were times when I should have been exercising and eating right that I didn't because someone had better plans for my day. I'm sure there are a lot of regrettable tattoos from trying to impress someone else also.

When I'm trying to impress or prove something I also find that, not only am I more susceptible to what other people think I should be doing, but that I also have much thinner skin. When I'm trying to prove myself, everything that is said about how I should have done something I take as an insult. Maybe they're joking or making a suggestion, but it feels like they are attacking my worth as a human being. Being defensive and letting myself get upset about these things only shows them how thin skinned that I am and that I am even more malleable than expected. When we lack the ability to maintain an even keel, we show others that if they want something, all they have to do is make us feel good with flattery or make us feel bad with guilt or self-loathing. These are also the typical tricks of a pushy salesman.

Don't hand over the control of your emotions to whatever comes out of other people's mouths. If you do and they are the type to take advantage, then you're in for a long ride. They will learn that when they need you to say 'yes' to something that you would like to say 'no' to, you are swayed with an eager to impress, fear of rejection, or a dread of upsetting others.

Not to say that we should be selfish with our time, just reasonable. If you are working on something less important and your boss needs a report or answer to an email that could cost the company money, by all means, we should drop what we are doing and handle it. That's part of having a job. If you think you shouldn't have to answer to anyone then you should find a way to work for yourself. In the meantime, it wouldn't make sense to keep working on the project that isn't due until the end of the year just because you're not in the mood to answer an email, unless you don't care about job security at all.

Now, if you are already working on three different things that's due within the hour and something else is dumped on you while a co-worker has nothing to do, you might want to suggest some delegation. This happens sometimes when management sees that you're a hard worker. They can take advantage of those who do good work, sometimes unconsciously, because you get the job done faster and get it done right. It can be frustrating because it give people that aren't good workers a lot of leeway and less responsibility, sometimes for the same pay. In some cases, it's because the other worker gives them flack every time they are asked to do something so they always come to you first, instead of making waves and insisting that the lazier co-worker do their job. It's similar to the saying "the squeaky wheel gets the oil," but in this case, it's more like the "squeaky wheel gets less work." In situations like this, you have to notice where the work isn't balanced and speak up. Killing yourself to prove your worth or to prove that others aren't as good as you will eventually lead to burn out. Believe me, I've been there. It's like spinning plates. You can only keep it up for so long.

So, the next time someone has a different opinion of me, a better way of doing something, or some comment on what my next step should be - I'm going to try to listen without a quick answer, think if there is something productive there, and then consider what would best for me to reach my goals without burning out before I do. Better yet, some prayer would be helpful in these situations. Sometimes the "I did it my way," steps that we take are not the best. People can have some pretty crazy needs and we can see this with the divorce rate and ridiculous spending to the point of bankruptcy on cars and houses that we can't afford, but think we deserve. God's plan is even better than the one you have for yourself. 

There are a lot of people in this country who only stop when they are asleep. Is this the life that they really wanted to live, the life that they would've chosen for themselves? When they were kids did they ever think that they would so value the opinion of someone that has "authority" over them and value money so much that they would sell their souls? I doubt that many of us fantasized about being worked to the bone, retire with a modest amount of money, and die in a nursing home. All that work, but in 50 years few will know you even existed? Why live by the opinions of what others think you should do if that's the final outcome? It happens everyday, work at a job you hate, retire, and die without even trying to pursue something you were passionate about. My dad always wanted to be a history teacher and a cartoonist. It never happened because he found a good paying job that he became stuck in. He didn't enjoy his job, but they paid just well enough that it kept him from pursuing his real passions. He got his degree to teach history, and the company he was with just paid him a little more to keep him there. I can't say that I wouldn't do the same thing. We never wanted for anything, but I'm sure there are a lot of "what ifs?" floating around in his head. He was very gifted artistically. He might have made more money in the long run doing that? He's passionate about history. Maybe he could have written something? Better to have tried and failed than to regret not trying. Not to say he's a miserable person, but I'm sure the way things turned out wasn't his dream.

There are people out there that love their jobs. It's not something that is beyond reach. Yes, society needs garbage men and janitors, but it needs garbage men and janitors that enjoy what they do. If you're doing something that is making you miserable because that is what is expected by the other people in your little world, then you will be on your deathbed looking back at a lot of meaningless and wasted time.

There are going to be people in all walks of life that are going to be competitive with you. If you're the new guy with a company, there will be those that will want to see you succeed and there will be those that want to see you fail. The ones that want to see you fail are usually not having these thoughts because they don't like you, it's usually because they're simply selfish and want to be at the top of the ladder. If they see you succeed, you are an obstacle in their way. If it works out that you are doing something better than they can, or you're working harder than they do, then they will find ways to throw you under the bus when something goes wrong or try to get others to think negatively of you. This selfishness will usually come back to bite them, but in the off-chance that it doesn't these are the kind of people at the top of the ladder that when they are finally fired, everyone goes out for drinks and has a good laugh. Dealing with these types can be difficult, but if we stoop to their level we're no better than they are. I know it's very tempting, but we have to try to stay out of the office politics and gossip as much as possible. People notice this. If they don't like trait you have, they're trouble. If they appreciate it, then you've gained respect. Either way, it doesn't matter what others think - staying out of these petty conflicts and backstabbing will make you happier and less stressed in the long run.

The constant need for approval, trying to impress, and worrying about what others think of you is a mental prison that can make you feel like you are in a physical one. Sometimes we think of worse case scenarios and it usually does involve some type of rejection. It's a hard habit to break. When you surrender to being yourself regardless and let the chips fall where they may you'll notice your fear of what people think is diminished. Each day that we spend being miserable with our circumstances, there is someone else out there, who with a lot of prayer and thought, has come to a place in their lives where they are exactly where they're supposed to be. They get up every morning and it feels like a Saturday. This is hard for me to imagine right now, but to know that it is possible triggers thoughts that take me out of my mental prison and makes me want to be braver, more apt to take chances towards a goal, and more reliant on the fact that God has a plan that always works out for the best, no matter what it seems like right now or what roadblocks I may face in the future.

Hey Brain.....F U

I often see people on TV or in front of a large group who aren't attractive, well read, well spoken, have no sense of style and wonder..."Why do they have no problem doing what so many people in this world are so afraid of?" You can see them on ESPN mispronouncing words (and not by accident - they really think the way they pronounce the word is correct) like terrible as turrble. How do these people get these jobs where they have millions of people hanging on their every word? 

I'm not saying that you have to be attractive, well read, well spoken, or have this great sense of style to be a good public speaker or to be an announcer on TV. I have nothing against people making a good living. What I'm saying is that there are some very attractive, well read, well spoken, stylish people out there that get up in front of 10 people and their voice shakes, they turn red - they are literally hating every moment of the experience while others without these qualities have never once in their lives had trouble speaking in front of a group (no matter how many are in the audience). So what's going on in the brain that can make some people confident in any social situation (that really have no advantage or reason to be) while it tears down people that could have the world by the freaking tail if they could only get over this one thing?

Look at college professors. A lot of these bloated, ugly, so-called liberal men are mocking beautiful women in their class who don't like to give presentations - like it's something they can get over in 5 minutes with their help. "Gee, thanks Prof, I haven't been dealing with this for years! I have never heard anyone say how ridiculous it is to feel the way I do or that maybe I feel this way because I'm self-absorbed - but guess what? The tough love crap hasn't worked yet!"

The mocking we see in a stupid teen movie isn't how it works in the real world. The real world is more nuanced and mental. It's not always the good looking kids bullying the nerdy looking kids. When it comes to social anxiety, it's a free-for-all on the socially anxious people. In a real high school or college you can have a guy that looks like the fat comic book nerd on the Simpsons ridicule a guy that looks like a model because he's too quiet. And of course, the quiet kids don't stick up for themselves, they actually let these freaks get to them, which empowers the mean to stay mean.

It's definitely a mental thing because social anxiety doesn't care about the physicality of the person that it's effecting. Maybe the best looking people are more likely to suffer with social anxiety? Well, if that's the case I don't see it, because there are also the Brad Pitts and Jessica Albas of the world that don't deal with it.

Is it upbringing, the thought process, the ego being either too big or too small, making too big of a deal out of mistakes made in the past, the freaking devil? You search the web enough and you'll find a thousand "experts" that have the cure - most of whom never suffered with SAD. There is an answer and we will figure it out (because it has been overcome before), and when we do, we will be more aware of the suffering of others, kinder, less self-involved, and more successful. Beware egomaniacs, maybe there is a reason for this after all. Maybe the suffering isn't all in vain.

When the World Gives Up on You

Where does strength come from when the world has given up on you? Does it come from within, a higher power, that one friend or family member that hasn't given up on you? Sometimes it's from all of the above working together, but sometimes, at your darkest hour, it's just you and God. You can have the support of family and friends all day after a loved one dies, but after the funeral is done and you are lying in bed, your spouse asleep beside you, it's still only you and your thoughts, and we all have that moment of 'hopefully God knows what I'm feeling, because apparently no one else has a clue.'

We all worship something - whether it's money, the opinions of others, the opposite sex, God, your talent, entertainment, exercise...the list goes on. But until you realize that worshiping earthly things and thinking about things in a horizontal way leads us down the same paths over and over, it's hard to move forward. If we don't see that there is a higher power, something bigger than all of this, most find they are stuck in a rut. Call it a crutch, but if this is it - the world is crap for a lot of people, for no reason at all, and with no redemption in sight.

When things are looking bleak for us we soon realize people have their own lives to live and problems to deal with. They sometimes no longer have the energy to give 3rd and 4th chances to us. You will notice after you've spent some time just conversing with God in these hours of darkness - a true 'this is who I am - what is going on?' back and forth, that sooner or later He brings helpful and, often, life-saving people into your life when you are ready for them. He might also remove those from your life that aren't good for you, at least temporarily. When you really quiet yourself and contemplate this, you'll see the miraculous in things and realize that coincidence, in no way, can account for what is happening when we are slowly being set back on our feet.

The actor Robert Downey Jr. has never claimed to be Christian, but did say that Catholicism saved his butt in jail a few times. If anyone has gone from the top to the bottom, and then back to the top (all while in the public eye) it's Robert Downey Jr. It seems that there are a lot of different ideas of what religion and God mean to Downey, depending on which article you read, but when you hit rock bottom you do realize that people and money are not the answer to all of your problems. There is something spiritual, something bigger. So while I'm on a different trajectory theologically than Downey (myself being Christian) I do see how outlooks change when a person goes from 'this is all there is' to 'there is something bigger out there that has actually saved my life'.

Robert Downey Jr. is one of the most prolific actors of our time. If you kept up with his career in the late nineties you would have thought that his days as a mainstream actor would be over. From 1996 through 2001 it was arrest after arrest for drug related charges. Just when you thought he was done with drugs for good, he would be in trouble for the same issue months later. In 1999 he told a judge, "It's like I have a shotgun in my mouth with my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of gun metal." In other words, he knew his addiction was killing him, but he liked it too much to stop.

Downey mentioned, at one time, that he was introduced to drugs by his father at eight years old. Most of us grow up knowing what normal behavior is because of our parents, we then adapt to fit that normal. If their normal isn't what is acceptable by the rest of society we usually don't realize this until our teenage years, and what a time that can be to learn this. In order to 'fit in' with other teenagers we then have to adapt to a new normal. To make it more complicated, we are also looking for something to rebel against at this age, but how do you rebel against the family group who sees almost everything as acceptable. Your perceptions of right and wrong, good and bad, can become very skewed. This leads the rebellious teenager to go further than most would in order to experience the same rebellious testing that a normal teenager would.

On Oprah in 2004 he said of his struggle with addiction, "You can reach out for help in kind of a half-assed way and you'll get it and you won't take advantage of it. It's not that difficult to overcome these seemingly ghastly problems...what's hard is to decide to do it." There came a point where he couldn't play the game anymore. He grew up learning a craft which taught him how to be good at 'playing pretend' or essentially lying. Acting was something that gave him a lot of acclaim and accolades, but perhaps why he was able to get away with his harmful addictions for so long. It's one thing when your spouse or child comes home drunk, they tell you they aren't, but you can see right through it. But what about the spouse, child or friend that is on par with the likes of a Pacino or Brando. By the time he finishes his story you will likely be helping him get in the shower because of the pepper spray that got on him after some armed guy tried to mug him. He tells you his girlfriend sprayed the mugger, but he got some in his eyes during the struggle - and "yes, of course I'm acting strange, I was almost just killed." Needless to say, not only was addiction an issue in Downey's life, but his acting and fame probably only helped to perpetuate it.

With his past hanging over him like a cloud, there were some independent films through the late nineties and the Elton John video in 2001. He was even nominated for an Emmy after joining the cast of Ally McBeal, but it still wasn't the "larger than life/brat pack" RDJ that the world had known before. Mel Gibson gave Downey his first lead role in a film after his last stint in jail. The movie didn't do well financially but it did get Downey back to a job that he loved doing. Gibson was one of the few in Hollywood that defended Downey regularly and when Gibson started going through his own issues, Downey was quick to return the favor...

His real comeback started in 2008 with two blockbusters that put him back on the map - Tropic Thunder and Iron Man.  The quick witted yet astonishingly subtle genius of Downey came out with a vengeance in both films. Both broke box office records in their own genres and Downey was nominated for Best Supporting Actor by the Academy for his role in Tropic Thunder. Coincidence or not, a lot of this success came on the heels of his marriage to film producer Susan Levin. Like I said, some people come into our lives exactly when they are supposed to. The plan is laid out but we are so wrapped up in the troubles of today we can't see it. 

"There's no understanding for me of the bigger picture in real time in a hands-on way without her. Because it was the perfect, perfect, perfect matching of personalities and gifts."

How do you go from having the police called on you because you were so high you fell asleep in a stranger's house to sitting front and center at the Academy Awards? It's bursting through barriers that the world has set out for you (which are really just mirages), realizing you aren't the center of the universe, letting go of the past, and learning how to be a man.  

If you watch interviews before and after his struggles you will see the transition from boy to man. Some of us have to grow up early, some of us much later, but you are thankful when it happens. It's usually only through struggle that we do learn what it is to be a man. Better to have struggled and come out stronger than to have never struggled and die like a teenager listening to Morrissey and playing Call of Duty, all the while saying woe is me as you slip into a fast food induced diabetic coma. 

Being a man means you own up to your mistakes and wring every drop of wisdom you can get out of the experience. It means you go to work and do that job to the best of your ability in order to support your family. It also means you are there, no longer the guy who's always on to the next adventure, wanting to be in the spotlight. Your ego shrinks and your influence grows. When you become a man, you start to think of others more and being a husband and father gives you the opportunity for that. When you are a boy, you may mistakes, like leaving your wife and kids because of weakness or selfishness, but as a man you face things head on and you keep your promises. 

This past June - Downey's son Indio was arrested for felony cocaine possession. Instead of blaming society or the other people in the car with his son, like a lot of us do in this day and age, Downey said, "Unfortunately there's a genetic component to addiction and Indio has likely inherited it. Also, there is a lot of family support and understanding, and we're all determined to rally behind him and help him become the man he's capable of being. We're grateful to the Sheriff's department for their intervention, and believe Indio can be another recovery success story instead of a cautionary tale."

So, where does that strength come from when the world has given up on you? They've counted you out and you, yourself don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Think about the years of being the butt of jokes and all of the people that counted him out the next time you see Robert Downey Jr. on a billboard in Times Square. When you see a large, beautifully crafted church that worships a man who said, "Don't take the best seat, but rather the least" - think about how this man was counted out to the point where they murdered him at 33 years old. When you see any man who's come from the pits and mire and has reclaimed his life in such a way that it is an inspiration to others, you should know that anything is possible. Look at King David. He's held up as this great king, but he wasn't perfect. He saw a woman that he wanted and sent her husband to the front lines to be killed so he could have her. How many of you have committed murder? So, if God can change David's heart and make a murderer great again, why not you? He decides who will be great and respected in this life for many different reasons. We won't all be famous actors, rich, or certainly not any type of king, but there are these little windows into 'the plan' that you can see, even in your darkest hour, if you only search for it. 

When you are invited by anyone to a marriage feast, don’t sit in the best seat, since perhaps someone more honorable than you might be invited by him, and he who invited both of you would come and tell you, ‘Make room for this person.’ Then you would begin, with shame, to take the lowest place. But when you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place, so that when he who invited you comes, he may tell you, ‘Friend, move up higher.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at the table with you. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."   Luke 14:7-11

The Bravery of Ricky Williams

Hard to believe #34 suffered with Social Anxiety Disorder

I remember being in the waiting room at a psychiatrist office in the nineties thinking that I was one of the only people in the world going through Social Anxiety Disorder. At the time, I was hopeful that there was some magic pill I would be prescribed that would just fix it all at once. There were a lot of magazines spread out on the coffee tables and end tables, so this magazine wasn't strategically placed or anything. It was just one Sports Illustrated among the many. I flipped to the article about Williams because I knew he'd just started with the New Orleans Saints and he'd had a lot of success with Texas A&M. At the time he was this 'force to be reckoned with' as a running back.

To my surprise, the article went into something I didn't expect it to at all. The article actually talked about his battle with SAD. From what I remember it was Q&A. I remember the sense of relief that came over me while reading this. I knew that there were people out there with social anxiety, but I don't think anyone this famous, this much in the public eye, had really addressed it up until then. The only other person at the time I'd even heard about that suffered with it was Kim Basinger, but it wasn't talked about much, so I considered it a rumor.

There are these little things that happen in our lives daily that we chalk up to coincidence, but to this day I still think that reading that article wasn't just a coincidence, but more of a blessing. I still draw a little courage from it. If this muscled up NFL pro had the guts to admit that he suffers from SAD, who am I to try to hide it or not find any way possible to help someone else in my small circle of influence. I'm thankful to this day that Williams was brave enough to shed light on the subject of SAD because one of the big hurdles of SAD has to do with the fear of others noticing your fear, which just causes more fear and anxiety.

For someone that doesn't deal with SAD I guess a good example would be - Let's say your struggling with an addiction to porn. You haven't heard much about anyone else that struggles with it. It's there, but not on your radar. Your buddies might joke around with you about it because they watch it from time to time, but you know it's something that's gone that extra step to 'out of control' with you personally. You decide to seek some help with it and while you are at your therapist office in the waiting room, you pick up a magazine and John Mayer is talking about his addiction to porn. It eases your mind a little, enables you to open up to your therapist a little more about the subject. It doesn't cure anything to know someone is going through the same thing as you, but it definitely helps. Especially, when the person that's talking about it in a magazine read by millions has other qualities you find admirable.

"A lot of people who experience it were shy as a child. I can remember being in high school and one day specifically that I was in class and I raised my hand to answer a question and I gave an answer and then I immediately thought, “That’s a really stupid answer, I’m never going to ever raise my hand again,” and I didn’t ever raise my hand again in class."

"When I got on medication and started going through therapy I had a renewed sense of what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a football player again, I wanted to be a good football player again. So I started therapy and I got on Paxil and a week or two later I was back in New Orleans dedicated to become the best football player that I could be. That is when I came out and told people that yeah, there’s something wrong. And I tell you, today and every day since then I get stronger, I get more confident, I get better. And, I’m up here in New York talking to a lot of people letting them know my story because if I’m who I am and I can do it, then anyone can do it. If your social anxiety is holding you back, talk to someone. It can get better. You can be happy." link

Williams states that he only took Paxil for 14 or 15 months. He reports that he no longer suffers from social anxiety as you can see in the video below.

"Well, I am now convinced there is no kind of fear or anxiety anyone has to live with. Talk to someone, see if they can help you." - Ricky Williams