It's Just You and Me

Let's just say it's been a rough couple of months (which I will take the time to write about at a later date). I head out of town tomorrow (flying to Minneapolis) to start training with my new job. Found out today I'll be sharing a hotel room with someone I've never met and needless to say I'm not too thrilled about this at all. If you've read any other post you'll know that this caused my social anxiety to flare up (like I wasn't already anxious about the whole thing already). Today has just been a lovely day of worrying about all of the possibilities. I think things like this happen to me because God is trying to draw me closer. I really do. It really does make me start talking to him. Of course, it always starts out in the way David talked to him in Psalms - "Why me? Why do you hate me?!"

I've already told God that if this is the way it's going to be then he is going to be hearing a lot from me. This journey - it's just you and me God. Like I've posted before. When it is all said and done, as much as someone or some group of people my care about and love you, there is only so much they can understand about your situation. While you are still up crying and praying they eventually fall asleep. Of course, the same is true the other way around also. So essentially, it always boils down to you and God. Anyway, I know that this isn't being read by anyone besides spammers, so spammers wish me luck. And to those of you who might be reading this 50 years from now for some reason (after the sweet release of death has taken me) - I hope that they have invented a magic pill that eliminates this social anxiety crap, completely without any side effects. I'm currently taking Buspirone. There aren't really any bad side effects but I sure do miss that feeling of relaxation that I would sometimes get from Xanax. I can't tell if this drug is working at all.

Putting Things Into Perspective

Not to be morbid here, but there is a way of thinking can actually help you separate the bull from the important while you're here for this short time on earth. It's meditating on the fact that you and everyone you know will die - most within the next 60 years.

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking that you have something to lose. You are already naked. There's no reason not to follow your heart." - Steve Jobs


Deep down none of us wants death. We might even say we wish we were dead at times but if God said "Okay," and we felt a horrible sharp pain in our chest most of us would probably change our minds pretty quickly. Of course, we all want to die in our sleep without feeling any pain when that unavoidable time comes. None of us wants to be slowly crushed by a car or stabbed 50 times in the ass until we bleed out. But, even if we avoid dwelling on that moment of death (which is probably healthy) there is no denying that this life that you are now living as you read these words is going to end.

This usually brings up the cliches like - "Life is short. Don't waste it. Live to the fullest," bull but even those of us on this planet that are living in utter poverty, not knowing where our next meal is coming from and sometimes in abusive situations are still clinging to life. They aren't living life to the fullest but they still aren't ready to die. Is it because we don't have the courage to take our own life or is it because no matter how pessimistic we may seem, something inside of us is telling us that something can change, something good can happen, and we don't want to miss out on that no matter how far fetched of a miracle it may seem? After all, miracles do happen everyday so why couldn't one happen to us? Besides, it would be selfish to put others in a state of misery because we've decided to check out early wouldn't it?

Five to one, baby
One in five
No one here gets out alive, now
You get yours, baby
I'll get mine
Gonna make it, baby
If we try.

Jim Morrison 


Life is hard. There are very few people on this earth that don't deal with strife. No matter how much money they have, who they are married to, how well behaved their kids are etc., none of us escapes this life without pain, and of course none of us gets out alive. So, instead of saying enjoy every moment (because that's an impossibility) I will instead say that when we do face troubles we should contemplate both the fact that nothing is permanent, you aren't the first and you won't be the last to have these feelings, and finally that the simple fact that you could die tomorrow makes that issue you have going on at work or the anxiety your having over speaking in front of a group seem petty and/or a waste of your energy.

The ancient world, and the Renaissance, had a good method of dealing with anxiety, which I find still works – the memento mori, or reminder of Death. Ancient philosophers, particularly the Stoics, would train themselves to consider Death , to consider how everything around them would turn to dust, how they themselves would soon be eaten by the worms, and forgotten by everyone on earth. - Jules Evans

In the Christian tradition there is also the concept of death of the body not being such a bad thing. When reading Paul's writings you can clearly see that he accepts the fact that he is still on the earth for a reason but he's more than ready to go "home" when God sees fit because there is no END even if it seems so to us at the present. There is only being absent from the body.

We are confident, I say, and owilling rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. - 2 Corinthians 5:8

I Can Only Take So Much Petty and It All Seems Petty

I'm not talking about Tom Petty, he has some decent stuff, and although I'm sure I could get sick of him pretty quickly, what I'm talking about is making mountains out of molehills. I'm talking about the pretentiousness and overstating of the simple to the point where it's just someone that really is in love with the sound of their own voice and what little power it may wield. When you get to a certain age you realize that you are 'the adult', which makes it harder for you take other 'adults' as seriously as you once did because they aren't speaking the truth like we thought they ALL did when we were children. We've learned that most of our fellow adults are just bigger kids with more experience that have learned the art of BS. 

For instance, lately its been harder for me to take something that is said in a business meeting or conference call with any real earnestness. Do these conversations have any bearing and/or reason? Yes. Should these conversations be taken as seriously as the people in these meetings would like them to be taken? In all likelihood - no. Believe me, I've spent a lot of hours in these types of environments and 90 percent of what is a such a 'big issue' is really not even close to being detrimental. If it is detrimental, it's usually because of the effect that it can have on someone much higher up's paycheck.

I think I still know how to play the game and act like I care but sometimes it's hard to hide my lack of interest. I still care about people, I just don't care a lot about playing the game anymore. I will swap stories with you for hours, that's fine - I just don't want to hear you talk to yourself about all of your accomplishments and awards while using corporate jargon that is meant to confuse when it's really just mind numbingly simple catch phrases. 

I literally have twenty to thirty minute conversations about things going on at work that could be narrowed down to a 20 second conversation. I could make a one or two sentence note on what needs to be done or what needs to be changed in my stupid daytimer and it's over, done, problem solved. Lately, I'm feeling like Coach Belichick in a press conference where I feel like I've adequately answered the question once so there is no reason to keep talking about it. I'm open to input that would help any situation, but other than that let's move forward.  The gift of gab runs its course after a while and sometimes it's just time filler BS that makes no difference until they catch you saying something stupid. That's when you ask yourself why you were still talking in the first place.

I don't know what's going on. Maybe it's the nicotine withdrawal that's caused this existential crisis, or maybe most people could already see through all the bull and I've been gullible for most of my life. It's literally like waking up one morning and instead of seeing all of these beautiful answers to all of these complicated questions, you've woken up and the miracle is that you can see straight through the BS. I mean all of it. It's your superpower. 

You notice things that you feel stupid for not noticing before - they want you to buy their car, so they use sex and the promise of envy; you're not acting the way they want you to act or thinking the way they want you to think, so your type will be portrayed as the stupid or crazy character in that TV show. You will see this and think that you don't fit in, that something must be wrong with you. Now...if you're sympathizing with a crazy cult leader because you're a crazy cult leader, then yes - you're nuts and it's not subliminal programming to get you to conform. 

I feel as if I'm a part of a system that I didn't even try that hard to become a member of, but somehow here I am. I could always quit, start back at the bottom, but where is the fun in that? I'll probably be removed from corporate management soon enough and they will be happy to be rid of me. The fact that all of the those people (the rich and famous, rock stars, movie stars, CEO's, lawyers, doctors, bosses) that I once stood in awe of are no better than me or anyone else is an awakening. We are simply people in different circumstances, for better or worse. Sometimes we even trade places. They may have worked harder than you to achieve something, they may have been born into money, they have made their money in filthy ways, and maybe few of us deserve the good fortune we've had? The thing that does unite us all is that we love to impress and we're scared to death of disapproval or having people see some side of us we've been trained to think of as a sign that you are no longer 'worth' anything. So that Boss that was giving you a hard time is just some guy who has fears like you do and maybe that's why everything's a big deal to him. 

When you truly realize that you and everyone around you will eventually die, it changes the way you look at almost everything - life, work, relationships, money, materialism, health. Some of the changes you make when this is contemplated can be good (like spending more time with loved ones and living a fuller life), while some changes you may make in your attitude about life may make you a harder sell in the current world we live in. It could even get you removed from sets of friends or institutions. In a hundred years, you might fit in just fine with this train of thought, but in the world we live in at the moment (most people's inner dialogues being mostly full of feeling like we are special and horrible at the same time along with thinking our problems can be solved by consuming something) you seeing how short life is doesn't add to that conversation. 

If you were a business owner looking for "fired up" employees would you even hire yourself? Would you hire the guy that doesn't see the point to it all? Yeah, I might. Especially if it was sales (believe it or not). They would either be the best sales person I've ever had or the worse. It just depends on how charming their independence is. Their honesty might just be the refreshing change potential clients are looking for in this fake world that only seems to be concerned with the bottom line. With most businesses, if they do a service along the way, it's simply a side effect of how they make their money. 

It would be nice to see more businesses that think service first, but no matter how much they say this, it's rarely true. The problem remains though, that most of our issues will only be dealt with by having a healthy free market. A large government cannot solve any of the issues that are facing us. It may seem as if it is temporarily, but in the long run we become too dependent and open ourselves up to even bigger messes. If you think a company man can talk about some petty stuff, listen to a politician.

Don't get me wrong. I really don't have it that bad. There are way worse jobs. I've become so jaded by Corporate America that if I lost my current job and had to find something else, it would probably have to be something where I could just be myself (to a point). Somewhere that the game doesn't matter as much as the outcome.