Would if Your Goal In Life is to Just be Happy?

I messed up by getting too specialized of an education. That's something you don't hear of too much these days with the big push for community college and how they are feeding the workforce at just as high of a rate as the four year schools, but I can't be the only one that has had this issue. My associates is in computer science/networking specialist. Yes, networking specialist sounded great at the time and there is a high demand for the position, but without experience and even if you want to start at the ground floor - good luck getting a job in this field unless you know someone or have way more skills than a two year degree can give you. These schools, while well meaning, from my experience do not prepare you to complete all of the many certifications that employers need just to give you an interview. Some colleges are just taking money and churning out graduates. If you're a good test taker then your golden. Doesn't matter if the multiple choice question doesn't make sense to you in the real world as long as you can hold it in you brain until you're done taking the test.

Maybe I'm lazy, but I feel like if I had a 4.0 while getting that degree I shouldn't have to spend hundreds on extra seminars and off campus classes to take practice tests in order to get all of the many Cisco and Microsoft certifications. Maybe my real problem is, that as interested as I was in computers when I was younger, my taste had changed and I didn't have this fire in my belly to keep working towards these goals when I was already barely making it holding down a full time job in management while going back to school. Let's just say that WHEN I WAS DONE I WAS DONE.  I guess that's why it's best to get your education as early as possible (before anyone else depends on you). Also, I was getting into theology and philosophy at the time of working towards this associate in networking and it made the classes I was taking drier than I could have imagined.

I'm glad that I went back to school, even if perhaps it was a waste. It looks a little better on my resume than the 2 previous years I'd had toward my English Literature degree before dropping out. It shows that I started and finished something.  I still wish that I would have had the wherewithal back then to finish in Literature and to maybe teach somewhere. But of course, for those that know any of my history, generalized and social anxiety created a mental torment in me at that age that did not allow me to finish school. I'm surprised that I made it in the work force. God really was with me back then, even though I didn't realize it and was usually pretty upset with him.

So without going into detail about what kind of management that I'm in now, let's just say that it's middle management. In middle management, there are days when you are simply the complaint department and there's nothing fancy about it, no matter what your title is. Yes, they are those rare days when you play boss, but it's usually passing down some punishment that you may or may not agree with. This is a far cry from my more geekier goals of working with computers and not so much dealing with politics every day, day in and day out. There is a different kind of stress between finding where a cable may have split than dealing with complaints about why you don't provide good enough insurance. As if you are the owner of this giant company and can make these kind of calls in the first place.

As you can tell, I'm not exactly thrilled about the big life decisions I've made, particularly school and work. What was I thinking? But then comes the search for meaning and purpose. What is my reason for being here? What is the meaning of all this? Am I simply to go to work just to have something to do during the day all the while keeping the wheel turning on someone else's dream? It doesn't help that when you get stuck in certain dead end jobs you are surrounded by people that also feel stuck and it's like they are treading water to pay their bills, get through life, and hopefully retire with something left in their bank accounts. Essentially, you are either surrounded with people that complain a lot or have delusions of grandeur because they listen to Zig Ziglar. Really, it's Monday and you are that thrilled to be dealing with Bubba's HR issues? There isn't anything you'd rather be doing, like watching the Price Is Right? Of course you wouldn't want to do that, you are a productive member of society who feels that if he isn't going through these mini bouts of emotional turmoil that he's not truly living. Watching an Arrested Development marathon while living off of your lottery winnings sounds like a horrible idea to you. You're one of those people that say, "If I won the lottery I'd still work." Whatever, I might spend my money on some type of "work" that I would enjoy so much it would be like play, but working for someone else? Hell no.

I saw a Ted Talk on this guy who just dropped off the grid and went to Tibet to become a Monk. You see a lot of these type of talks, but if you do some research, the majority of these people are independently wealthy. There are days when I'd love to become some type of guru recluse that only comes down the mountain to fetch his food. I'd love to have been born rich and have people cook me healthy meals all day, workout when I felt like it, travel the world, pretty much just do whatever the hell I wanted to. Screw this need to be important and be a Trump Jr. where I have to be in the family business. Just give me my share and let me be. The amount of money some people make in a year could support us very comfortably for a lifetime. That's all I need. A house, cable, food, car, nothing that fancy. More than anything material I just want to be free from other people's demands. If I do something for my wife and kids, or anyone else I care about, that's because that's what I want to do; but as far as getting up early in the morning so that I can kiss some fat cat's ass and do his bidding - it'd be great to be able to be free from that. Happiness isn't possible without freedom, even if that freedom is only in your mind.  

"This was freedom. Losing all hope was freedom." - Chuck Palahniuk

So back to the big question. What is my goal? Well, I'd love to make money off of my writing but writers are a dime a dozen and the odds on that are pretty slim, so if I had to have a plan B I would want to be a barber. A barber with a cool little old school barbershop where I can just sit  around and bullshits with customers between haircuts until finally, one day, I'm too old to hold the scissors in my arthritic hands and I lock my doors for the last time. No more late nights, no more 'boss' telling me when some report is due. Yes, I know customers can be a pain, but let's face it - cutting men's hair is a much safer environment than cutting women's. I know I'd never become rich being a barber. Just making a good wage is fine. Money is nice, but the only reason I need it is for the independence it can bring. You never see what someone did for a living on their tombstone. 

Plan C - just stick to what I'm doing until they get rid of me or I lose my mind or both. From what they say, some of the happiest people in the world are the crazy ones so maybe that's what this is all headed towards. Either that, or there is always living off the government like a growing number of people in this country seem to be doing.

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 12

I've actually made it to day 12. It's been a journey full of scattered thoughts, mood swings, and binge eating until I can't feel my legs - but it's getting better. Right now, I have no desire for nicotine. Oops, spoke too soon, there it is.

Really, my cravings are becoming less frequent. There are certain things that seem to set off the need for tobacco that I've discussed before. I could have used a huge cigar at the end of the Saints' game last weekend. If they could win a game then my Sundays would be a little more sunshine and less the Morrissey version of "silent and grey." I'm not much of a Sunday person anyway, so the Saint's losing the game in the last 3 minutes only made it more depressing. Why I'm upset because some millionaires lost a game is beyond me.

I still get that flush of dopamine every now and again when I think about smoking. They say it gets released when you're expecting a reward, whether the reward actually comes or not. Problem is, I'm unable to fulfill the expectation so I look to other things like food and drink. My time on the treadmill has gone up a little (probably due to the need to burn off some stress) but I'm sure I'm making up for it in calories. I had two beers last night, plus a lot of appetizers at the restaurant we went to. No real food that I can think of in the last few days. That will have to be the next step once I'm over this hump - getting my diet back on track. If I don't reign this in I will end up on the news, being fork-lifted out of my house while my moo moo flaps in the wind.

I've learned that knowing something is bad for you doesn't mean that you will make a change. The thoughts about something being bad for you have to align with your emotions in order for you to quit a bad habit or start a good one. That's why most of the time, when life changes are made, it's because of an emotion like fear. You're much more likely to have a clean diet if your doctor tells you that you're borderline diabetic and you're more apt to quit smoking if you're told that you have spots on your lungs. Sad but true. Maybe I'm lucky that it didn't take a scare to make me quit nicotine? There was some other emotion that lined up with the intellectual part of me knowing it was bad for me, even though I can't really put my finger on it I'm sure a small part of it was fear. Next step will be to get my diet back under control instead of using quitting smoking as the excuse. Guess it will take lining the intellectual and the emotional up again. Now back to listening to Viva Hate because what's a better answer to any problem than knowing it's all going to end one way or another - "Armageddon, come Armageddon."

Mary Jane is No Longer the Cool, Witty Girl

Believe it or not, there was a time in the nineties when Pauly Shore saying "hey buuuuddy" or "chilling with the wease" was actually funny. This was until everyone finally got sick of it and it lost its magic. There was also a time when Wayne's World and their mullets had taken the box office by storm until people had seen every angle to the humor and it too...lost it's magic. When people are ready to revisit these movies in twenty years, we will maybe have a few laughs once again. This is the way of the world, nothing last forever. If humor and interest didn't have an ebb and flow, Jerry Lewis movies would have their own 24 hour channel and our taste would never evolve. So my question is...when is the newness, hipness, or repetitive humor of smoking weed ever going to finally take a rest? When will it not be a mandatory scene in every film to have the main characters smoke weed with rap playing in the background (that makes it ironic) while talking about who the best Batman was or who was the hottest out of Betty and Wilma on the Flintstones?

Apatow - I'm afraid you have the most pull so it's got to start with you. I know that this is not an actor playing certain characters like an Austin Powers where you can just stop making Austin Powers movies when you see that people have had their fill. It's just scenes in otherwise mostly decent films, but many filmmakers are now making entire movies out of this subject with no heart or humor involved. They figure if they put someone smoking weed on the DVD cover with some reference to weed in the title that they'll have an instant hit. Sad thing is, the groupthink actually has taken hold enough for these films to do pretty well no matter how bad they are. Some filmmakers will continue to make movies about smoking weed and going for the cheap laughs, but maybe if the big names in the industry stop, then the Benson's of the world will eventually stop and then the "serious" docs will finally give it a rest for a while. I thought the scene from Transformers 2 (mom with pot brownies) would finally put an end to the madness but I guess some people still think it's hilarious.

I don't have enough interest in the subject of marijuana to watch any documentaries on the subject. I have no stance on whether it should be completely legal or not because I think that the verdict is still out on a lot of the issues that surround smoking pot in general. I do lean more toward the libertarian side of not caring what someone does in their own home as long as it's not hurting anyone else. Stoners, ALL that I'm asking is PLEASE stop flooding my Netflix Watch Instantly queue with movies about Marijuana. New Releases - Recently Added - Comedies - TV Shows - Documentaries - even Romance. There are documentaries and TV shows that try to take a serious look at its legalization (it seems like they are going to make a documentary for each state as they legalize it) and there is literally a ton of wasted time and money on stoner comedies. Growing up, we had Cheech and Chong - those movies had some humor but they weren't comedy gold that need to be imitated for generations.

People are so brainwashed into relating smoking pot with being hip and funny that all you have to do to have a mediocre stand up show in Anytown, California is stand there with your eyes half closed, a mike in your hand, and slowly say, "I smoke pot." You will get cheers and applause that will carry you through the rest of your lame show where you continue to beat on this same freaking drum until the next "cool" comedian comes on stage and talks about how much pot he smokes. You know, being that most people have enough on their plate besides caring if stoners will be able to smoke legally or not I don't see why this subject hasn't been dropped already. "Ebola, Isis and another story today from Denver about the rise in homelessness and its possible links with the growing use in marijuana." Here we go, more tax money to more people who can't hold down a job. Great, thanks mass media for making something so lame seem soooo hip.

I'm just done with it. Some marijuana users act like it's something that's actually healthy for them - because it's of the earth? Every drug is of the earth! Cocaine from the Cocoa plant, heroin from the poppy seed, nicotine from tobacco. Smoking marijuana is still bad for you no matter what kind of spin you put on it and there are side effects in all it's forms that effect different people in different ways - so saying it's completely safe is ridiculous. Maybe, and I'm not sure about this because it sure does seem to be abused, there isn't so much of an addictive quality to THC as there is with alchohol, tobacco , and other drugs. I'm no expert, but I'm sure the more people use the more we will find out , and I'm betting it won't be all sunshine and uncontrollable laughter while you still somehow manage to hold down your 6 figure job like they do in the movies.

What's the last Seth Rogen movie made where he wasn't smoking weed? And people still laugh every time! I stopped laughing when Wile E Coyote fell of that cliff, uuuh...probably the 5th time I saw it, and I was ten! What is going on? I can see some humor in it every now and then but it is NOT as COOL or FUNNY as these people think it is. Do it all you want but please stop using it for a cheap laugh because yeah, the 15 year olds in the theater might giggle but the rest of us (who aren't laughing loudly to be cool) have seen it all before and the charm has worn off. And if you're doing it so the stoners in the audience will laugh, they are already too busy laughing about the way their straw sounds in their cup so why even try?

I Can Only Take So Much Petty and It All Seems Petty

I'm not talking about Tom Petty, he has some decent stuff, and although I'm sure I could get sick of him pretty quickly, what I'm talking about is making mountains out of molehills. I'm talking about the pretentiousness and overstating of the simple to the point where it's just someone that really is in love with the sound of their own voice and what little power it may wield. When you get to a certain age you realize that you are 'the adult', which makes it harder for you take other 'adults' as seriously as you once did because they aren't speaking the truth like we thought they ALL did when we were children. We've learned that most of our fellow adults are just bigger kids with more experience that have learned the art of BS. 

For instance, lately its been harder for me to take something that is said in a business meeting or conference call with any real earnestness. Do these conversations have any bearing and/or reason? Yes. Should these conversations be taken as seriously as the people in these meetings would like them to be taken? In all likelihood - no. Believe me, I've spent a lot of hours in these types of environments and 90 percent of what is a such a 'big issue' is really not even close to being detrimental. If it is detrimental, it's usually because of the effect that it can have on someone much higher up's paycheck.

I think I still know how to play the game and act like I care but sometimes it's hard to hide my lack of interest. I still care about people, I just don't care a lot about playing the game anymore. I will swap stories with you for hours, that's fine - I just don't want to hear you talk to yourself about all of your accomplishments and awards while using corporate jargon that is meant to confuse when it's really just mind numbingly simple catch phrases. 

I literally have twenty to thirty minute conversations about things going on at work that could be narrowed down to a 20 second conversation. I could make a one or two sentence note on what needs to be done or what needs to be changed in my stupid daytimer and it's over, done, problem solved. Lately, I'm feeling like Coach Belichick in a press conference where I feel like I've adequately answered the question once so there is no reason to keep talking about it. I'm open to input that would help any situation, but other than that let's move forward.  The gift of gab runs its course after a while and sometimes it's just time filler BS that makes no difference until they catch you saying something stupid. That's when you ask yourself why you were still talking in the first place.

I don't know what's going on. Maybe it's the nicotine withdrawal that's caused this existential crisis, or maybe most people could already see through all the bull and I've been gullible for most of my life. It's literally like waking up one morning and instead of seeing all of these beautiful answers to all of these complicated questions, you've woken up and the miracle is that you can see straight through the BS. I mean all of it. It's your superpower. 

You notice things that you feel stupid for not noticing before - they want you to buy their car, so they use sex and the promise of envy; you're not acting the way they want you to act or thinking the way they want you to think, so your type will be portrayed as the stupid or crazy character in that TV show. You will see this and think that you don't fit in, that something must be wrong with you. Now...if you're sympathizing with a crazy cult leader because you're a crazy cult leader, then yes - you're nuts and it's not subliminal programming to get you to conform. 

I feel as if I'm a part of a system that I didn't even try that hard to become a member of, but somehow here I am. I could always quit, start back at the bottom, but where is the fun in that? I'll probably be removed from corporate management soon enough and they will be happy to be rid of me. The fact that all of the those people (the rich and famous, rock stars, movie stars, CEO's, lawyers, doctors, bosses) that I once stood in awe of are no better than me or anyone else is an awakening. We are simply people in different circumstances, for better or worse. Sometimes we even trade places. They may have worked harder than you to achieve something, they may have been born into money, they have made their money in filthy ways, and maybe few of us deserve the good fortune we've had? The thing that does unite us all is that we love to impress and we're scared to death of disapproval or having people see some side of us we've been trained to think of as a sign that you are no longer 'worth' anything. So that Boss that was giving you a hard time is just some guy who has fears like you do and maybe that's why everything's a big deal to him. 

When you truly realize that you and everyone around you will eventually die, it changes the way you look at almost everything - life, work, relationships, money, materialism, health. Some of the changes you make when this is contemplated can be good (like spending more time with loved ones and living a fuller life), while some changes you may make in your attitude about life may make you a harder sell in the current world we live in. It could even get you removed from sets of friends or institutions. In a hundred years, you might fit in just fine with this train of thought, but in the world we live in at the moment (most people's inner dialogues being mostly full of feeling like we are special and horrible at the same time along with thinking our problems can be solved by consuming something) you seeing how short life is doesn't add to that conversation. 

If you were a business owner looking for "fired up" employees would you even hire yourself? Would you hire the guy that doesn't see the point to it all? Yeah, I might. Especially if it was sales (believe it or not). They would either be the best sales person I've ever had or the worse. It just depends on how charming their independence is. Their honesty might just be the refreshing change potential clients are looking for in this fake world that only seems to be concerned with the bottom line. With most businesses, if they do a service along the way, it's simply a side effect of how they make their money. 

It would be nice to see more businesses that think service first, but no matter how much they say this, it's rarely true. The problem remains though, that most of our issues will only be dealt with by having a healthy free market. A large government cannot solve any of the issues that are facing us. It may seem as if it is temporarily, but in the long run we become too dependent and open ourselves up to even bigger messes. If you think a company man can talk about some petty stuff, listen to a politician.

Don't get me wrong. I really don't have it that bad. There are way worse jobs. I've become so jaded by Corporate America that if I lost my current job and had to find something else, it would probably have to be something where I could just be myself (to a point). Somewhere that the game doesn't matter as much as the outcome. 

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 2

Yesterday wasn't too bad, but today I will take nicotine in just about any form available - cigarette, chewing tobacco, gum, tea, vapor - whatever. I might end up like Michael Douglas in Falling Down where I just park my car on the side of the rode and lose my mind by the time this is over. This morning, I woke up mad at the world and a little more anxious than I expected to be. I stopped at a convenient store on the way to work and everything just ticked me off. Someone had the nerve to walk right in front of me in the parking lot and while I was checking out, the guy in line behind me was talking real loud to the cashier like anyone gives a crap about what he has to say! Wait until it's your turn, you loudmouth.

I'm kind of going back and forth between being pissed at the world and being in a complete brain fog where everything seems petty. I did read that nicotine has the tendency to make things into a bigger deal than they are, which probably explains some of this haze I'm in and the not giving a crap about certain stuff that would normally bother me. Of course, there's some stuff that I usually don't get upset about that's making me ridiculously ticked off. Maybe I shouldn't drive for a few days?

Someone I talk to daily (on the phone at work) said I didn't sound like myself - they thought it was probably the job getting to me. Well, the job isn't helping and I probably grumble more than I should but it's mainly the nicotine withdrawal this time. The next two days were supposed to be very busy and I really didn't know how I was going to handle it but God took care of it (yes, I believe that more everyday). Those appointments were cancelled until later in the month, so my week is looking a little better (like I might make it). There are just too many coincidences that help me through that I can't chalk up to pure chance anymore. After reading this the other day, I've learned to just keep praying and things will work out for the best.

Sometimes, I kind of like this feeling because it can be numbing in a good way. There really is a fogginess and I can almost feel how it would lift with one hit of nicotine. I can almost feel the effects just by thinking about it. I know that this happens with a lot of substance abuse. The person that is addicted can sometimes get hints of the upcoming high before they even have the drug in their possession.  I know it'll eventually pass though (one hour at a time) and getting past this addiction will be something I've needed to do for quite a while.

What's really dumb is that I was completely over this addiction about 2 years ago until I bummed a cigarette off of a co-worker (after months of not even a craving). After a few days of bumming here and there, I wound up starting back at square one.  I'm fighting against my bodies normal routine of getting it's normal fix and right now it's freaking my mind and body out. I just have to make sure I don't let any other addictions take it's place. I have already noticed that I'm eating a little more than normal. At the store I was looking on the shelf for something that had had the look of tobacco (very strange). I guess beef jerky would have been close or maybe some sun flower seeds that tasted like a mix of salt and dirt shoveled up in Kentucky?
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I feel like I'm missing some of my creativity - not sure what parts of the brain nicotine lights up as far as that goes. I have also had to proofread almost every sentence about 5 times. I will be glad when this crap is over.

What Debbie Downer Would Say About 'Keep Calm and Carry On'

The original Keep Calm and Carry On posters were made by the British in 1939 while the world was ramping up for WWII. They were propaganda posters meant to be used in times of crisis or invasion, but were put into reserve and never used. The poster wasn't seen by the public until 50 years later when a copy turned up at a bookstore where it made such an impression on the customers that they started to sell them. 

As popular as it is now, why was the poster never distributed during the war? While the simple slogan resonates with many of us today, when you are actually in a state of stress, there are those who think that the poster is quite contradictory to how the mind works. It's also very hard to keep calm when your entire city block has just been bombed by the Germans. "Oh, all I have to do is keep calm and carry on? Easy enough." Perhaps, the Ministry of Information thought about all of this 60 years ago and this is why it wasn't framed until 2000...

It’s now clear that the poster was the result of a compromise designed to save money for the Exchequer, and that the decision to keep the poster “in reserve” was only taken after the war had begun. So it’s something of an irony that this decision was influenced by a belief that the phrase was “too commonplace to be inspiring” and official fears that “it may even annoy people that we should seem to doubt the steadiness of their nerves”. The Treasury was adamant that the public would “resent having [the message] crammed down their throats at every turn”. - theconversation.com

Why has this meme become so popular that it can be found in homes all across Europe and the United States? Is there an uneasiness about us that needs the same reassuring that the British government thought it's population needed during a possible invasion? If, throughout the day, we need to look at a poster in our homes and offices that say KEEP CALM in bold letters then perhaps we're really as nervous as hell. The popularity of these signs probably has a direct correlation with the rise in mental health issues and in the pharmaceuticals we take in order to tame these modern turbulent brains. 

When it comes to being upset about petty stuff that may cause anxiety and anger, keeping calm isn't a bad thing. It might be a good poster to have in your kitchen when you're about the throw the peanut butter jar across the room because it didn't spread right and tore your bread. However, there will be some things in life that cause you to become emotional to the point where you can't immediately carry on until you know how to. While I've always admired the stoicism of the British, sometimes it's best to sit with a strong feeling of anxiety or righteous anger and see the possible productiveness in it. Perhaps there is a reason why we have hard times. Think of all the passionate projects that have come from emotions that some of us try to suppress. Loved ones are sad to see friends and family members dying of cancer, so foundations are started and money is raised. People are concerned, saddened, and angered by the soldiers coming back from war with missing limbs and brain injuries so the Wounded Warrior Project is started. Someone is anxious about the job they have or not being able to find a job, yet they somehow turn that anxiety into an entrepreneurial excitement that makes them happier in the long run.

Yes, it will be ‘business as usual’ right up to the day when the Son of Man is revealed. - Luke 17:30

Although this meme has a soothing effect on me, sometimes keeping calm is the last thing a person or population must do when they see their economy slowly collapsing and rights being stripped from them. I can see keep calm and carry on being flashed on a neon sign in Times Square 100 years from now in an Orwellian future where camera drones make sure you don't litter. No...make that 20 years from now. Keep Calm and Carry On is great on your wall at home but should never be posted by any government or large corporation.

I remember many people, the day after 9/11, saying "business as usual" - which didn't hit the ear right at the time. It had a lack of concern about it that made me wonder if we'd become a society so consumed with money and comfort that not having a Walgreens open on 9/12/01 would have been an even worse disaster. Of course, if we weren't shopping the next day, that would've meant the terrorist won. Just like I'm wary of using the phrase "business as usual", I never want to see a keep calm poster in a bank after they've just foreclosed on my home or posted by a government after martial law has been declared. As long as it's personal artwork I think it's great, but I can see some candidate in the near future hijacking this slogan. Stay tuned for more uplifting posts like, "How Ebola Will Wipe Us All Out".

Hey Brain.....F U

I often see people on TV or in front of a large group who aren't attractive, well read, well spoken, have no sense of style and wonder..."Why do they have no problem doing what so many people in this world are so afraid of?" You can see them on ESPN mispronouncing words (and not by accident - they really think the way they pronounce the word is correct) like terrible as turrble. How do these people get these jobs where they have millions of people hanging on their every word? 

I'm not saying that you have to be attractive, well read, well spoken, or have this great sense of style to be a good public speaker or to be an announcer on TV. I have nothing against people making a good living. What I'm saying is that there are some very attractive, well read, well spoken, stylish people out there that get up in front of 10 people and their voice shakes, they turn red - they are literally hating every moment of the experience while others without these qualities have never once in their lives had trouble speaking in front of a group (no matter how many are in the audience). So what's going on in the brain that can make some people confident in any social situation (that really have no advantage or reason to be) while it tears down people that could have the world by the freaking tail if they could only get over this one thing?

Look at college professors. A lot of these bloated, ugly, so-called liberal men are mocking beautiful women in their class who don't like to give presentations - like it's something they can get over in 5 minutes with their help. "Gee, thanks Prof, I haven't been dealing with this for years! I have never heard anyone say how ridiculous it is to feel the way I do or that maybe I feel this way because I'm self-absorbed - but guess what? The tough love crap hasn't worked yet!"

The mocking we see in a stupid teen movie isn't how it works in the real world. The real world is more nuanced and mental. It's not always the good looking kids bullying the nerdy looking kids. When it comes to social anxiety, it's a free-for-all on the socially anxious people. In a real high school or college you can have a guy that looks like the fat comic book nerd on the Simpsons ridicule a guy that looks like a model because he's too quiet. And of course, the quiet kids don't stick up for themselves, they actually let these freaks get to them, which empowers the mean to stay mean.

It's definitely a mental thing because social anxiety doesn't care about the physicality of the person that it's effecting. Maybe the best looking people are more likely to suffer with social anxiety? Well, if that's the case I don't see it, because there are also the Brad Pitts and Jessica Albas of the world that don't deal with it.

Is it upbringing, the thought process, the ego being either too big or too small, making too big of a deal out of mistakes made in the past, the freaking devil? You search the web enough and you'll find a thousand "experts" that have the cure - most of whom never suffered with SAD. There is an answer and we will figure it out (because it has been overcome before), and when we do, we will be more aware of the suffering of others, kinder, less self-involved, and more successful. Beware egomaniacs, maybe there is a reason for this after all. Maybe the suffering isn't all in vain.

Dont be a Charlie X

For some reason I've been watching a lot of Star Trek lately. I've never been a Star Trek fan so I don't know why I'm getting into it now. Maybe it's because I've run out of stuff to watch on Netflix, being that a lot of it is crap. The shows I watch (House of Cards, The Fall) -  I can catch up on in a weekend and then there are shows like Arrow and Wilfred where I have to wait months for Netflix to add the new episodes. Well, all of the Star Trek series are finished so there is no catching up to do there, just watch at my own pace. I've even thought of checking out what the draw to Doctor Who is, but it looks like watching the Star Trek series by themselves could take years. 

I recently watched an episode of the original 1966 Star Trek called Charlie X. I have never in my life thought of William Shatner as cool until I watched this episode. If you have Netflix, just check out this one episode if you're at all curious. Those early episodes are like a science fiction version of Mad Men. 

In this episode, some transport ship dumps off this teenager named Charlie onto Captain Kirk and his crew on the Enterprise. They see that the Enterprise is going in the direction of some planet that apparently this Charlie kid's colony resides. They quickly leave the ship like they are afraid of the kid. Being older, corny sci-fi, you immediately know that the kid has something wrong with him and that he is going to be a threat to the crew in some way. It's really not a mystery, but more of a character study on teens, or what they thought of teens in the 1960's. 

I'm no Trekkie, so I'm not going to try to remember every detail and name, but the Doctor checks out this Charlie kid and everything seems good physically, even though they'd found him alone on this abandoned ship with only computers to talk to since he was three. There was some explanation of how he ate and learned to speak on the abandoned ship and then it immediately goes into Charlie seeing a woman for the first time. Like I said, it's sci-fi Mad Men. 

Charlie sees crew member Janice Rand and ask Captain Kirk, "Is this a girl?" So, he's never seen a woman and this sets up this odd sexual tension between Rand and Charlie for the rest of the episode. At one point Charlie slaps her on the butt and doesn't understand why she gets so upset. She tells him he needs to speak with the Captain and maybe he can explain it. Later, she tries to introduce him to a teenage girl his own age who he's rude to because she's not Rand, later turning the teenage girl into a lizard with his telekinetic power. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that not only is Charlie an angst filled teen with what seems like Aspergers, but he also has these telekinetic powers that can melt objects, turn people into animals or inanimate objects, or just plain wipe them from existence. 

Captain Kirk, in all his manliness, wants to teach this freak some lessons on being a human, man, boy (all of the above) but of course he's very fatherly and nice about it (at least at first). He takes him to some part of the Enterprise where they teach fighting. It's some kind of 60's judo that doesn't look too effective, but Charlie doesn't get the gist of it on the first try, so he throws a little temper tantrum and says he doesn't want to do it anymore. Kirk talks him into trying a few times and then throws Charlie to the ground. One of the trainers, sitting in the corner watching, starts to laugh. Well, Charlie doesn't understand this and yells "Don't laugh at me!" while he rolls his eyes up into his head. Anytime he does this eye thing, it's apparently the cue that something is about to go down, because all that's left of the trainer is his towel after that. Kirk takes it all in stride and walks over to this huge intercom on the wall and calls for security. He promises Charlie that they won't hurt him but when they get there Charlie freaks out again and makes their ray guns disappear. Later you learn he can also break legs with this strange power. Why he doesn't just come out and tell Captain Kirk that he didn't need to learn Hippy Judo in the first place is beyond me.

So, after Kirk sees the real Charlie and what he is capable of, it just goes downhill from there for the poor kid. Rand, the woman that he has this huge crush on, continues to tell him that he is too young, Spock beats him at some kind of 3D chess (which makes no sense) and after Spock leaves the room he melts the pieces with his mind. Charlie just becomes a spoiled brat tyrant. He can't take anymore rejection from Rand so he makes her disappear. He's walking down the hall and some people are laughing in a room off to the side, not at him, but I guess he thinks so, so he yells, "Stop laughing!" and one of the females comes around the corner wihout a face (just skin - no eyes, mouth, or nose). Where once the crew thought he was just a teenager dealing with typical teenage problems, their pity quickly changes to anger.

They try to restrain him, but they can't. He even takes over the helm and controls the Enterprise with his mind, which really pisses Captain Kirk off. This is when the Captain comes up with this ingenious plan that Charlie's mind can only control so much. So they turn on everything in the ship, Commodore 64's, Atari 2600 looking monitors, lava lamps - the whole works. Charlie can't take much more when this strange green cloud of justice comes and takes him away and makes everything on the Enterprise right again. I know there is a better synopses of this out there, but I really want to get to the psychology of Charlie. How would any teen act with these kind of telekinetic powers? It probably wouldn't be pretty. 

There are those of us (on this planet) that are so overly sensitive that we can kind of be like Charlie X. We immediately think that every snicker or polite denial by a female is this huge catastrophe that must be avenged. Of course, there are also some asses out there that could use a little more sensitivity but I'm not talking about them. Those are the kind of people that think they have it all figured out anyway and would never read some blog like this. 

Charlie doesn't like to learn new things. We see this early on when he's in Mad Men Judo class with Shatner. He gives up after not getting his fall right the very first time. It isn't because he didn't want to be there in the first place. He likes to try new things, but he wants to skip the learning part. It's because he thought, with his powers, he'd immediately be an expert. Well, none of us are immediately an expert at anything (especially in the real world). In fact, most things, even those things that we have some natural abilities in, take years to master. It would be nice to learn Kung Fu within minutes like Neo in The Matrix, but we're not there yet. Charlie had no patience for this. Being told that he didn't do something right the first time, and Captain Kirk throwing him to the ground in practice hurt his ego. Your ego is always tested when you get involved with something new. It's exciting to try new things, but most of us realize there is a learning curve. There will also be the teacher or mentor that has to take us down a notch, every now and then, to keep our ego in check. Sometimes it's for our own good. Charlie didn't understand the process so he gave up immediately and became mad at the Captain. The anger was a result of his fragile ego. The bigger your ego the more fragile it actually is. 

Charlie wants everyone to like him. Throughout the episode, Charlie ask crew members if they like him. Doctor McCoy tells him that this is typical of being a teenager early on, but he still seeks approval from everyone on the ship and becomes angry whenever he feels rejected. To be liked was a big deal for Charlie because he'd spent most of his life alone and (perhaps) wanted to fit in so that he wouldn't go back to feeling alone. The problem is, the harder we try, the more we tend to push others away. It's good to be liked, but it's good to be liked for being who you are without having to force it. When it comes natural, you usually draw the right people into your life. When you force it, you can draw people into your life that take advantage of your need for their approval, which they will hang over your head at every opportunity. 

Charlie is too eager with women. He doesn't know the Brad Pitt rule. He will keep approaching the wrong woman over and over, no matter how many times he's turned down, instead of moving on. He doesn't yet realize that even if he gets a date with the woman he thinks he wants the most, he will wind up miserable because she doesn't have the same feelings for him. He confuses attraction with love. You can't love someone that you don't really know. You can feel physically attracted to them, but until you know them and they want to let you in, it's just a one-sided crush. It's best to take your cue and exit. Wait for the right one - the woman that you're attracted to and want to get to know better who also has some of those same feelings towards you. Until then, your just chasing your tail.

Charlie doesn't like to be laughed at. Sometimes it's real, most of the time it's just joking with him, and sometimes it's laughter from afar that has nothing to do with him, but Charlie assumes the world revolves around him, so all laughter must be aimed at him. We all have these bad days when it seems like it's us against the world. When we have these days, a simple jest we would normally just blow off with a return quip of our own turns into us thinking that this evil person is just after us. We might even assume they don't like us and they're having fun at our expense. Most of the time this isn't the case. The people that go after others this way usually make sure you aren't around before doing this. Charlie assumes that everyone is laughing at him. Everything is a shot to his ego. His whole being seems to depend on what other people say or do. 

Charlie doesn't know how to control his emotions, especially anger. Someone that has telekinetic powers on top of being short-tempered is obviously a bad mix. Thank goodness that none of us have these powers, because we would probably use them. Maybe not as often and to the extremes that Charlie does, but I can see a lot of people ruining someone's day with a flat tire or some other mundane annoyance. Being that he had never experienced human contact before and didn't know any of the normal societal boundaries, Charlie loses in a sparring match - makes a guy disappear. Charlie loses at chess - melts the chess pieces. Charlie is introduced to a girl his age - turns her into a lizard because he's more interested in the woman that introduced her. People noticed that he was quick to anger and Spock, being the ultimate stoic, left the room after his chess match with Charlie quite puzzled at the over-the-top reaction. When people see that you don't have emotional stability, they have different reactions but none are good. Some have pity on you, some return the anger to give you a taste of your own medicine, and some simply keep away from you - not needing the drama in their lives. In this day and age, it's usually avoidance you'll see. Why invite the guy to lunch that's just going to give the waitress hell, or take everything that is said personally? 

So, in this one Star Trek episode from 1966 you can learn a lot about what not to do in a society but I think a good summary of everything that effected both Charlie and the crew of the Enterprise has to do with his sense of pride and an hypersensitivity. This sensitivity caused the majority of Charlie's problems. We've all been there. There are times when we become touchy about everything said or done that can even remotely pertain to us. There are days when we are just not in the mood for our boss to tell us what we are doing wrong. 

If you'll notice when you have these moments, you are usually down on yourself. Your inner thoughts will usually be out of whack, even thinking about times that you were put down in the past, where you let it slide, "but dammit, I'm not going to let it slide this time!" When we have these negative thoughts about the past or we're feeling worthless, we can be more sensitive to the things that are said by others. We may think that everyone is laughing at us - that we are a joke to certain people. And, sometimes we may be, but these are the ones we don't need in our lives anyway.  It takes pride to think that everything revolves around us. So, no matter how down on yourself and worthless you may be feeling, there is still some pride there. If there wasn't, then the opinions of others (good or bad) wouldn't effect you. If you are only feeling good when being praised by others and feeling bad at the smallest slight, then you're way too concerned with the opinions of people who probably think about you for 3 seconds a week. 

Charlie wasn't shy. Charlie was overly confident, thought that he deserved whatever his mind could conjure up, and quick to anger when his ego was threatened. When you start to feel like a Charlie, it's time to go inward and think about the real cause of the hurt. Contemplate what's going on in your head that's making everything a big deal. Then, if you need to address it outwardly in the physical world you can do so with a clear head and rationally.  

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