12 Public Speaking Tips to Become Sturdy Minded

I've done some public speaking recently (twice in two days), which may be a surprise to anyone who's read some of my bleaker posts about this subject in the past. I'm not saying that this is something easy to get over (by no means) or that I'm completely at ease yet myself, but I thought I'd post a few things that have helped me out over the last few days and have made me much more comfortable. It's strange, but right now I'm feeling like I want more practice with it - which is a long way from the days where I would dread the experience from the moment I found out that it was coming until the moment the I was in front of a group.

The more comfortable I get with myself in front of a group, the more I feel as if a weight that I've been carrying half of my life is finally being lifted off of me. I even smiled a few times behind that podium because "It's been a long time coming." How ridiculous that I've let this hinder me for so long. I know that I have a long way to go, but taking these steps of doing and not avoiding (like I used to) has been good for me. I can already tell that the more I do this, the less of a 'big deal' my mind will make out of it. To show you how small I'm starting and how far I have to go - I haven't spoken in front of more than 15 people yet and my comfort level somewhat depends on who is in my small audience. If I know there's a rude or judgmental person there, I'm a little more anxious (which is something I've got to get past). Why let one or two people ruin progress? I've noticed from watching any public speaking, that there are people in the audience that will be judgmental no matter who is up in front of them. These are usually the people that would hate to be up there themselves.

Below is what has helped me and I didn't learn all of this on my own so I'm going to give credit where credit is due...

1. If possible, start speaking in front of 10 to 15 people. Where it's work related you can start by just reading and going over the facts without getting too much into personal stories etc. As you get comfortable that will come later.

2. I know this goes against what all of the public speaking "experts" teach but don't be afraid to make a joke out of your nervousness. The "experts" say you don't want to draw attention to it but if you think they will notice anyway, take the pressure off yourself by being real. They will usually laugh at this if it's done in a certain way. There is usually no reason,while public speaking, to make everything so serious. The more self-effacing and friendly you are, the more likely you'll get warm feelings back towards you. If someone in the audience is jerky enough to take advantage of that; you have the podium (so to speak), so you can shut them down (if even sarcastically).

3. Remember half of your audience isn't listening to you and the other half just hopes you don't call on them.

4. Smile - Smiling changes the brain. When you grin (even a small sly grin) it eases the tension. At least it has been working for me. You don't have to stand up there grinning like the Cheshire cat but every now and then helps the brain snap into a better mood and sense of well-being.

5 Breathing - this has been a biggie for me. I did not realize how much effective breathing can ease the tensions in my body. Here are the breathing videos I recommend (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched at one point)...



6. Realize that some things just can't be fixed with your head. Whether you're reading book after book on the subject but never putting it into practice, or you're backstage trying to think about how special you are because you read it in one of those books - there are some things you can't think yourself out of. Sometimes the best way to fix your head is to get out of your head - see  the videos below for better explanations (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched)...



7. If needed, get with your doctor or psychiatrist about prescriptions that will help with the nerves while you practice and get better at public speaking. If permitted by a physician, perhaps you can taper down the amount taken as you get more comfortable being in front of an audience - up to the point where you no longer find the medication necessary because your brain has rewired itself to see public speaking as something that isn't life threatening or as big of a deal as you once made it. The typical medications a doctor might prescribe would be Xanax or beta-blockers. Of course, it'd be great not to have to use them at all but it depends on how extreme the fear is. If it's to the point where you'd rather drive off into the distance, lose your job, and leave your family behind because your company wants you to give 20 minute speech, then perhaps your psychiatrist can give you something to help you get over that hump. While feeling the fear isn't a bad thing, there's no reason you have to suffer more than the average person does before they do public speaking. Even pets are given sedatives during thunderstorms.

8. When you can, use a podium. I love podiums. You can sort your paperwork out on them, hide those shaky hands you usually get at first. Lean on it for a rest when you want (but they will think you're doing it for effect). Use one when possible. Politicians have it made, besides debates they have a podium and teleprompters to read off of.

9. Don't over-prep. Over-preparing can make you more nervous (it does me). Have some bullet points you'd like to hit and go from there. You don't have to memorize a speech or practice it over and over. That's overkill and it makes being in front of other people as different than other parts of your life. Do you have to practice what you're going to say to your buddy or family members over and over before you talk to them? I know you want to be a little more prepared when you have a message that has to be relayed to a group of people but I'm done with over-prepping and the 'practicing in the mirror' bit.

10. Remember it's not about you, the world doesn't revolve around you. They don't care as much as you think they do. You're actually up there just having a conversation with fellow human beings.

11. Change your Diet for the better - I will get more into this later but I've cut way back on dairy and carbs and I'm feeling a lot calmer. Also, the better shape you're in, the better you'll probably feel in front of a group. Especially if you haven't nailed down that "I don't give a crap what they think" part yet.

12. Last trick I have that is still taking me some time to get a complete grip on - The more you don't care if you appear nervous or that people will notice your blushing, shaky hands, shaky voice etc. - the less nervous you will be. As a result of not caring if they notice, the symptoms are eliminated :). This probably goes hand in hand with #2 on this list. The less you care what others think, the better off you'll be.

"The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think."

Public Speaking and OCD

I'm thinking that my aversion to public speaking has something to do with making a big deal out of every little mistake I make and every little thing that people do in my audience (no matter how large or small). I have some meetings today where I'm sharing the lead role as presenter with another co-worker and so far, so good. I think starting small is a good thing. Start with a small group, get comfortable speaking in front of them and go from there. If you must, like I did, you can even start from scratch - be the one who volunteers to read a paragraph out loud etc. Someone who is a perfectionist tends to put their self-worth on how good they are seen by others. If a speaking engagement goes badly then I must be a weak and horrible person who has no place in society? Where did I get that? Maybe it's from holding on to crap that happened in school at those moments when big deals were made out of truly petty situations.

Breathing and attitude has a lot to do with how your presentation will go also. If you are making it into something besides communicating with other humans (in essence, holding a conversation with several people instead on one person) then you can overthink it. You can make it to where you feel as if you mispronounce a word, or have a moment where you can't think of the right word - instead of laughing it off, you turn it into a big deal and start the negative self talk which does you no good. I've been down that dead end road too many times.

I've had some cases where I can see someone leaning in to talk to the person next to them and I assume they are talking about me whether they are or not. Actually, it should make no difference but it still registers. I've even have had a few, that after they hear what this whisperer is saying to them, actual laugh out loud. Loud enough for everyone to hear (like it was just soooo funny). I think I'm going to start calling these people out like they are in the second grade and ask them if they have anything they'd like to share because it is very childish. Usually, these loud mouths aren't so brave when they are put on the spot. It's usually because of their on self-consciousness and feelings of insecurity that they do this kind of stuff. They want to draw this limited amount of attention to themselves (look at me, I'm cool and better), but not so much attention that the tables could turn on them. Maybe everyone else can see right through them anyway and I should just let them make fools of themselves. Maybe it's OCD and wanting everything to go perfect that causes this to be a bigger deal than it should. If you don't care, then maybe they can tell you don't care and it makes them feel even dumber than if you were to call them out on it. You see? That's why it's good to write and keep a journal - so you can work this kind of stuff out.

Being the leader you can control the relaxedness or tenseness of the environment. So if you decide that an open conversation with someone in the audience will calm yourself and show the audience some naturalness then you might start with that. You might bring so food and drinks for them to snack on (and make noise with) to take all of the focus off of yourself. I'm really thankful right now that I'm in a position where things can be taking slowly instead of having my boss tell me that I will be speaking at a convention next week with a thousand people. I know that I've written about this before and that I can be pretty dramatic but today (for some reason) the drama has lessened and I'm seeing more people that are like me, would rather avoid speaking in public if they have to, but are adult about listening to what I have to say without judgement. Maybe I've been around the wrong people for too long? People that see someone is uncomfortable and take advantage of that situation to make themselves feel better are people that I've dealt with before but (like I've said before) the less I care about trying to be perfect or not show any signs of nervousness while public speaking then the less I will have these traits when I've the center of attention. It's similar to that Aurelius quote I've worn out - "reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."


Of note:

This little trick has worked pretty well for me before public speaking...

Rikk Wilde - look him up on YouTube if the link is already taken down. I wouldn't say to watch this for laughs like some jerks do, but to read the comments. You will see that you are not alone in this whole public speaking thing. The poor guy has millions of hits on YouTube but people are really defending him because they know how he feels. There is an empathy there that you don't get with a lot of other subjects. There is a reason this video is out there and I don't think it's because people are enjoying watching someone suffer.

3 More Videos to Watch/Listen To

Work, Business, and Social Anxiety

First off, I'd like to clarify something here before we go too far down this rabbit hole of 'there's no hope and people with social anxiety are doomed to a lifetime of misery.' This is simply not the case. Social Anxiety is a mental illness, but not one that is in the same category as Autism or Schizophrenia where you will have to be on medication the rest of your life. Who knows? I'm not an expert on the brain so maybe there is a cure to be found for all mental illness whether it be some therapeutic breakthrough or a magic pill. What I'm saying about SA is - just because you have it now doesn't mean you will have it a year from now. It doesn't mean you will be locked up in your apartment waiting on someone to deliver your food while you progress to agoraphobia.

I know this sounds like such a sunshine and rainbows thing to say to people who are hurting, but answers are out there and it's just a matter of us having the guts to take the actions necessary (along with the right frame of mind) in order to take the necessary steps until we are completely free. I do believe that we can be completely free from this fear of man - whether it's on the phone with someone (like our boss) who we feel intimated by, one on one with strangers, in public around people or situations we're not comfortable with like the classroom. Whether that means you're in sales and you must go to businesses simply to give them your card and a few words, or if you're single and want to approach someone that you find attractive, all the way to giving a speech in front of 25, 50, 100, or 1000 people - there is a remedy.

"Some people might find it interesting that I used to be afraid to speak in public." - Chuck Norris

This is one of the great things about SA. All of the above fears that currently cripple us can become very easy and even exciting for us over time. For those of you, like myself, that suffer from SA - can you imagine a day when you're asked to give a presentation about something you're passionate about and actually looking forward to it? It's certainly possible.

Fear of Man

In business, we need to stop looking at the obstacles we face as sufferers of anxiety as these horrible setbacks or situations to avoid, but rather as opportunities (God given opportunities) to grow. God doesn't want you to be afraid of people.

"When we say, 'Who do you think you are barging in here like that?' we mean, 'You are presumptuous and arrogant to barge in here'. So when God says, 'Who are you that you fear mere men,' he means, 'You are presumptuous and arrogant to be afraid of men'." - John Piper

He wants you to grow our of this fear of man. You weren't born with a fear of man. There were circumstances in your life that caused this to develop. When you were four you'd dance around in front of 10 family members in a cowboy hat wearing just your underwear; so we can't say it's just something we were born with. There are many different things that could account for this SA to develop as we get older. It could be that you had parents that suffered from social anxiety, OCD, or generalized anxiety which caused you to think that the world was judging your every move. It could be the case that it was self-inflicted by your own wrong thinking or through some past drug use. There are a myriad of ways that we could have let this SA seep into our brains. It seems to be a growing mental illness in the west. As a whole, some of the reason for this might have to do with the culture we have created where we think we should look and act like people in magazine ads and television. Where the celebrity has become god, making people more than they really are, which in turn causes an awe of human beings that are just like us but don't seem to be when their heads are 30 feet high on a movie screen.

Religiosity itself and the way that some in a church setting put on mask, afraid to show their true flawed selves, can also make us socially anxious and feel less worthy if we let it. If people removed their mask, if you could see them in their day to day life you'd certainly be reminded there was only one perfect person and none of these people even come close. They have to rely on grace just like the rest of us. Lame excuse, but this is one of the reasons I haven't been to church in years.

Being picked on in school might also carry on into adulthood causing social anxiety especially if you were already socially anxious in high school and some of the taunts were a result of this. Letting the opinions and actions of high-schoolers who ridiculed others because they didn't even like themselves dictate the rest of our lives is very dumb when you think about it.


Be Like Your Barber

Life should be an easy conversation between individuals, no matter our background or what business we are in. Will there be debates and arguments? Of course, but conflict resolution is something I will have to get into later. But I do believe that if businessman acted more like their barbers when talking with clients there would be a lot more trust, success, and a lot less conflict. With an easy going attitude of question and answer and simply getting to know people, the barber is much better at networking than we in the business world are with our planned monologues; making sure we hit all the right key phrases when we are pushing (someone else's) product.

Believe it or not, this is an advantage that the more introverted people in business have over the more extroverted. We like feedback, we enjoy the back and forth of conversation with others. We're not in love with our own voices nor are we only out for what we can gain from relationships. While talking casually, we can usually still get around to all the points we need to make, but it for some reason we don't, we still have an advantage because that client is more likely to remember the honest, down to earth sales person. He or she is more likely to remember the one who seemed to care over the sales person who was fake and selfish.

Introverts and Extroverts

There are introverted people who aren't suffering with social anxiety and when we're finally free from this social anxiety we probably will still be somewhat introverted, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Introverted simply means that you don't have to be the life of the party. Introverts are more contemplative, thinkers that probably do a lot of reading (extroverts are very people oriented which makes them less likely to read because this is a solitary act). Introverts can also get more of a read on people because they are better listeners.

"And some of them, for whatever reason, are natural performers. From childhood, they have wanted nothing more than to display their talents to a crowd. Many of these people are narcissists, of course, and hollowed out in unenviable ways. Where your self-consciousness has become a dying star, theirs has become a wormhole to a parallel universe. They don’t suffer much there, perhaps, but they don’t quite make contact here either. And many natural performers are comfortable only within a certain frame. It is always interesting, for instance, to see a famous actor wracked by fear while accepting an Academy Award. Simply being oneself before an audience can be terrifying even for those who perform for a living." - Sam Harris

Could we live in a world entirely made up of extroverts? Probably not. Let's get real here...some of the loudest and most boastful people we know are also the most insecure. So when we do break free from this shyness we want to do so with the correct attitudes and teachings which make us comfortable in our own skin no matter what the situation, with nothing to prove. Not someone who is out to show the world we're different now, because we are then seeking the praise of others. Seeking praise and being afraid of what people think us go hand in hand.

If we don't get the praise we think we deserve from others, then what? Well, there's a good possibility we may become socially anxious once again because we have gone back to the old trap of making gods out of people. People who take craps daily and pick their nose while sitting in traffic. No matter how educated they may be or what their temporary job titles (and they are all temporary - someone else will inherit every title when one retires, dies or the company they work for goes under) - why do we think of these individuals as someone who is to be feared? It's all a mind game.

People Who Reject and Personal Walls to be Traversed

Here's a quick anecdote from my own life that I can share that goes back to the subject of conquering SA step by step. Like I alluded to earlier, there are these little walls that we must break through each day. We put other people on pedestals because we are worried about what they will think of us. Yes, we live in a social society but we mustn't be afraid to be ousted or alone.

The more we worry they will reject us, the more likely it is 'they' will. Who is this 'they' though? Most likely someone who wouldn't be good for you to be around anyway. People that have a problem with some because they are shy are usually jerks that don't have the time to get to know someone that isn't putting out all of the effort. That means they don't want to really know you, they want to know another person who wears a mask of 'greatness' who they can use to help them along. The reason I say, a mask of greatness is because no matter how high up someone is in the corporate ladder they could lose their job tomorrow and when they do, the jerks they were trying to impress will all desert them and move on. Like I said, you don't need people like this anyway.

In my new job, I am a manager over a lot of different people and locations (surprise, surprise huh?) How does someone with social anxiety have a leadership title? Well, there is a lot to this, but simply put, people with anxiety tend to be very hard workers and sometimes that's due to bad habits like trying to impress their bosses and others within a company. We must learn to be hard workers without the anxiety of constantly putting on a good show though, because SA and generalized anxiety is certainly not a means to achieve success. You can climb up the ladder only so high with your hard work but with too much anxiety it then becomes a detriment.

In my new position I'm generally good when dealing with the day to day aspects of dealing with employees in person or over the phone and I haven't had to do any public speaking yet but I'm sure that's coming. I'm ok in meetings with 5 or 6 people but that's just because of doing it over and over. A few years ago a meeting 5 or 6 people would've kept me up all night.

As of right now, the issue I'm dealing with is sales. We are trying to get more contracts in our area and like I said, I'm ok with talking to people I somewhat know and in environments that I'm familiar with but as far as walking into a large office building and introducing myself to someone (who most likely already has a lot on their plate) to talk about our business and how we're new in the area etc. has brought out the avoidance behaviors in me I haven't felt in a while. I've never been a big fan of sales people myself so there was also some self loathing going on.

But, it's something that you can get better at with practice just like anything else. Let me just tell you about one 24 hour span. Yesterday, I went to a possible clients building I'd been putting off for weeks. I had no phone number to talk with them ahead of time, wasn't exactly sure where in the building the site manager's office was and whether or not I would even be allowed in without an appointment. I talked to the security guard up front and what a blessing, the guard was someone I'd met before and remembered me so he told me exactly how to get to the site managers office without any fuss. I then proceed to the elevators and up, my heart beating too fast. I see a woman in the office who lets me know the manager himself isn't in but she can help me. I told her my name and what I was there for and noticed that my breathing had become a little shallow and there was a shakiness to my voice which I hate because if you are afraid of what people think of you already, then you don't to come across as this weird nervous guy which HA! makes your voice shake even more. What a mind game. Somewhere in there I try a little honesty for a change and say, "I guess you can tell I'm not really a salesperson." She smiles and it lightens the mood a bit. I'm aware of how it feels to see the nervousness in others. When I give job interviews and they are nervous it also makes me feel a little nervous for them, but this is probably because I completely understand where they are in their mind at the moment so I'm more sympathetic.

Whether she notices the nervousness or not, she acts like she doesn't notice the cues and we talk for just a little while longer. I then give her my card and leave. Now, what I used to do in situations like this was to go back to my car and start beating myself up and making things worse. Sometimes fretting about it for days. But this time, I remind myself things like "she's probably already forgotten you came by and at least you've ended the avoidance and can make progress." This is making my mind more apt not to avoid any situation like this again and knowing that avoidance is one of the major reasons I'm in this predicament in the first place I keep positive, telling myself this was just one step on a new journey. This was yesterday afternoon.

This morning I got up and told myself that I would go to another site and try again. "I will do this until I get comfortable with it no matter how much it scares and angers me at this point," I think to myself. So, I go straight to another building and ask someone downstairs where the site manager's office is with much more confidence and even a smile. He doesn't know but someone else overhears and tells me right where it is. This time I'm in the elevator feeling a lot less nervous by not letting my imagination run away with me with thoughts some jerk will tell me to get the hell out of his office. As soon as I get off the elevator her desk is right there. I walk up smiling and say what I have to say, give her my card and my voice didn't shake this time. I wasn't completely comfortable, but it was a lot better. This small change happened in a 24 hour span.

Just think of what we can do with years of practice by putting ourselves out there and learning to cope with any possible bad outcome. And, let's face it, the consequences are never as dire as we think they are. So what if someone laughs at us right in our face?  It's happened before and it will probably happen again, but guess what? You are still alive and there are still people out there that care about you. Hell, it even happened to Superman in the latest movie. He was picked on for half of the film (from childhood to adulthood) but look how that turned out.

I think this must be why CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) works so well for people. It ends the avoidance pattern and lets you know that you can get better at dealing with whatever it is that you're afraid of. It turns that nervousness from a negative dreadful feeling to the twinge of nervousness or excitement one might get by parachuting from a plane, enjoying the ride, and being so thankful and energized when they land that they want to do it all over again.

Is the lady from the first experience talking to everyone in her office today about the nervous guy that came by yesterday? Probably not, but if she is, I really don't care at this point. We are all human, we all have our quirks. If that is important to her then she has issues of her own. We have to start caring about ourselves and how WE are going to get over all this self-doubt and fear. We have to stop letting others dictate how happy or unhappy we are going to be. When we can truly stop caring what's in the minds of others when it comes to their negativity we can be free from this fear of people and really live.

Recommended articles -
The Silent Crowd by Sam Harris
The Pride of Being Afraid by John Piper

Social Anxiety (CBT and Psychiatry)

Jimmy Fallon on the Tonight Show mentioned Social Anxiety during his monologue the other evening. To paraphrase, it was something about new research showing that regular exercise can help with social anxiety and then there was a joke about people staring at you wearing short shorts at the gym. This didn't surprise me too much because it seems as if social anxiety has come a long way in the last 20 years. There are still some individuals (seems to be more in the psychiatric field) that don't really acknowledge social anxiety but lump it in with generalized anxiety. At least this is the experience I've had with my psychiatrist. The appointments that I have with him last about 5 minutes and the result of these brief visits are usually - "If the medication seems to be working I will call you out another 6 months worth. If not, let's try another drug that might do the trick."

The lumping of social anxiety with generalized anxiety is perhaps a way to make the problem easier to write prescriptions for. I think that the psychological field has made more progress in SA due to the good results that they've been getting with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Psychiatrists is general would lose their patients that they've been prescribing Xanax and Paxil to for years if they admit that the results are leaning more toward CBT being an actual cure. Most of us in normal society live and learn. Patients that keep themselves educated in the specific subject of SA and not just anxiety as a whole might soon be trading their psychiatrists for psychologists or other experts that are familiar with CBT. From what I've read there are actual groups (like you would have for AA) that meet in some areas (mostly in large European cities) that have helped many, many people. I've yet to see this trend take effect in the United States but I don't live in a large city.

A lot of  the leaders in seeking to help those with SA recommend that they join a Toastmasters group (which isn't a bad idea) but wouldn't it be great to be able to start in a CBT group with those that have the same specific problems as you rather than the normal anxiety related to public speaking? After all, social anxiety covers a lot more ground than public speaking alone. How would I have the strength to join Toastmasters when I can't even go to church?

I'm not saying that anti-anxiety medication is a bad thing (I'm currently on a low dose myself), but the results aren't exactly what I've hoped for and this is partly my fault. A lot of patients though wouldn't see this and they just want the pain to go away so they will ask their psychiatrist to keep raising the dose until they are in a zombie-like state. There is a masking effect that must be addressed. This effect might be a good thing to help make the coping of and getting over social anxiety (and anxiety in general) more manageable while you work on it until you are out of the old habits that caused us to get into this mess in the first place. While taking anti-anxiety medication you have an opportunity to work on things that you might not have had the gumption to work on before some of the anxiety was alleviated.

Here lies the problem. If you're only seeing a Psychiatrist and not anyone else about your anxiety; you are only getting the narcotic effects of alleviating symptoms that are a result of deeper issues that haven't been addressed. I've made the same mistake and I'm currently trying to correct this. Can "chemical imbalances" be corrected without medication? Seems like it has worked for some. I'm not saying that there aren't a myriad of mental illnesses that don't benefit from medication nor am I saying that everyone should flush their pills and deal with these disorders differently. No, what I'm saying is that anxiety (specifically) seems to be an issue that has to be dealt with in our heads whether or not you take medication and that we just can no longer ignore this.

Perhaps there is a better way that I'm just now seeing but others have known for years. Perhaps there is some sort of transitional period that we should be going through when dealing with social anxiety. The transition from drugs (at a point when your doctor permits) to a rewiring of the brain that can only happen with the gaining of a wisdom and philosophy that we don't yet have; along with practice using these new philosophies in the real world. We mustn't go far for these philosophies with the internet and all of the access we have to the works of men and women who've dealt with anxiety and tragedy for thousands of years and have overcome. You can start by just reading quotes such as these and watching videos like this one and also this one. There are countless links I could give you and I will add many more but it always helps to know that we are not alone with our issues and that there are people out there that have overcome things that you see (in your current state) as impossible.

Suggested reading:
The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday 
When People are Big and God is Small by Edward T. Welch