12 Public Speaking Tips to Become Sturdy Minded

I've done some public speaking recently (twice in two days), which may be a surprise to anyone who's read some of my bleaker posts about this subject in the past. I'm not saying that this is something easy to get over (by no means) or that I'm completely at ease yet myself, but I thought I'd post a few things that have helped me out over the last few days and have made me much more comfortable. It's strange, but right now I'm feeling like I want more practice with it - which is a long way from the days where I would dread the experience from the moment I found out that it was coming until the moment the I was in front of a group.

The more comfortable I get with myself in front of a group, the more I feel as if a weight that I've been carrying half of my life is finally being lifted off of me. I even smiled a few times behind that podium because "It's been a long time coming." How ridiculous that I've let this hinder me for so long. I know that I have a long way to go, but taking these steps of doing and not avoiding (like I used to) has been good for me. I can already tell that the more I do this, the less of a 'big deal' my mind will make out of it. To show you how small I'm starting and how far I have to go - I haven't spoken in front of more than 15 people yet and my comfort level somewhat depends on who is in my small audience. If I know there's a rude or judgmental person there, I'm a little more anxious (which is something I've got to get past). Why let one or two people ruin progress? I've noticed from watching any public speaking, that there are people in the audience that will be judgmental no matter who is up in front of them. These are usually the people that would hate to be up there themselves.

Below is what has helped me and I didn't learn all of this on my own so I'm going to give credit where credit is due...

1. If possible, start speaking in front of 10 to 15 people. Where it's work related you can start by just reading and going over the facts without getting too much into personal stories etc. As you get comfortable that will come later.

2. I know this goes against what all of the public speaking "experts" teach but don't be afraid to make a joke out of your nervousness. The "experts" say you don't want to draw attention to it but if you think they will notice anyway, take the pressure off yourself by being real. They will usually laugh at this if it's done in a certain way. There is usually no reason,while public speaking, to make everything so serious. The more self-effacing and friendly you are, the more likely you'll get warm feelings back towards you. If someone in the audience is jerky enough to take advantage of that; you have the podium (so to speak), so you can shut them down (if even sarcastically).

3. Remember half of your audience isn't listening to you and the other half just hopes you don't call on them.

4. Smile - Smiling changes the brain. When you grin (even a small sly grin) it eases the tension. At least it has been working for me. You don't have to stand up there grinning like the Cheshire cat but every now and then helps the brain snap into a better mood and sense of well-being.

5 Breathing - this has been a biggie for me. I did not realize how much effective breathing can ease the tensions in my body. Here are the breathing videos I recommend (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched at one point)...



6. Realize that some things just can't be fixed with your head. Whether you're reading book after book on the subject but never putting it into practice, or you're backstage trying to think about how special you are because you read it in one of those books - there are some things you can't think yourself out of. Sometimes the best way to fix your head is to get out of your head - see  the videos below for better explanations (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched)...



7. If needed, get with your doctor or psychiatrist about prescriptions that will help with the nerves while you practice and get better at public speaking. If permitted by a physician, perhaps you can taper down the amount taken as you get more comfortable being in front of an audience - up to the point where you no longer find the medication necessary because your brain has rewired itself to see public speaking as something that isn't life threatening or as big of a deal as you once made it. The typical medications a doctor might prescribe would be Xanax or beta-blockers. Of course, it'd be great not to have to use them at all but it depends on how extreme the fear is. If it's to the point where you'd rather drive off into the distance, lose your job, and leave your family behind because your company wants you to give 20 minute speech, then perhaps your psychiatrist can give you something to help you get over that hump. While feeling the fear isn't a bad thing, there's no reason you have to suffer more than the average person does before they do public speaking. Even pets are given sedatives during thunderstorms.

8. When you can, use a podium. I love podiums. You can sort your paperwork out on them, hide those shaky hands you usually get at first. Lean on it for a rest when you want (but they will think you're doing it for effect). Use one when possible. Politicians have it made, besides debates they have a podium and teleprompters to read off of.

9. Don't over-prep. Over-preparing can make you more nervous (it does me). Have some bullet points you'd like to hit and go from there. You don't have to memorize a speech or practice it over and over. That's overkill and it makes being in front of other people as different than other parts of your life. Do you have to practice what you're going to say to your buddy or family members over and over before you talk to them? I know you want to be a little more prepared when you have a message that has to be relayed to a group of people but I'm done with over-prepping and the 'practicing in the mirror' bit.

10. Remember it's not about you, the world doesn't revolve around you. They don't care as much as you think they do. You're actually up there just having a conversation with fellow human beings.

11. Change your Diet for the better - I will get more into this later but I've cut way back on dairy and carbs and I'm feeling a lot calmer. Also, the better shape you're in, the better you'll probably feel in front of a group. Especially if you haven't nailed down that "I don't give a crap what they think" part yet.

12. Last trick I have that is still taking me some time to get a complete grip on - The more you don't care if you appear nervous or that people will notice your blushing, shaky hands, shaky voice etc. - the less nervous you will be. As a result of not caring if they notice, the symptoms are eliminated :). This probably goes hand in hand with #2 on this list. The less you care what others think, the better off you'll be.

"The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think."

Your Dad Was a Nervous Nelly

The other day I had someone that knew my dad tell me (jokingly), "Your dad was a nervous Nelly." It was funny because it was true. Strange thing is, I never would've thought anyone else noticed if he hadn't brought it up. Don't get me wrong - he's stronger than me in some ways. He spoke in front of large groups easily all his life and he was skilled in the martial arts when he was younger. He still has some self-esteem issues with caring about what others think a little too much, but that seems to be the way of the world now.

He mainly worries about the kind of stuff that we have no control over. The kind of stuff that could happen to anyone at anytime - like losing a job, getting sick, or someone in his family being in a car accident. Just because these are all possibilities doesn't mean that if you worry about them that they will not happen. He had the tendency to avoid confrontation due to worrying about upsetting someone, but then would sometimes explode over the smallest things.

He worries about stuff that most of us don't even think about. Perhaps it's the police background but it borders on ridiculous - "You kill those weeds with gas and what happens if someone throws their cigarette there?" The question makes some since but the odds of that happening in a time period where it would be flammable enough to burn my house down would be comical. And who is this strange smoking man standing a foot away from my house while I'm not there? Don't get me wrong, I don't make a habit out of killing grass with gasoline. This was on a patch of grass because I'd run out of Roundup. His mother, my grandmother, was even worse - so I can see where he got the worrying from. And now one of my daughters (who has the same type of worries as my father) - so, 4 generations of anxiety in a 50 year span. Thanks genetics.

Public Speaking and OCD

I'm thinking that my aversion to public speaking has something to do with making a big deal out of every little mistake I make and every little thing that people do in my audience (no matter how large or small). I have some meetings today where I'm sharing the lead role as presenter with another co-worker and so far, so good. I think starting small is a good thing. Start with a small group, get comfortable speaking in front of them and go from there. If you must, like I did, you can even start from scratch - be the one who volunteers to read a paragraph out loud etc. Someone who is a perfectionist tends to put their self-worth on how good they are seen by others. If a speaking engagement goes badly then I must be a weak and horrible person who has no place in society? Where did I get that? Maybe it's from holding on to crap that happened in school at those moments when big deals were made out of truly petty situations.

Breathing and attitude has a lot to do with how your presentation will go also. If you are making it into something besides communicating with other humans (in essence, holding a conversation with several people instead on one person) then you can overthink it. You can make it to where you feel as if you mispronounce a word, or have a moment where you can't think of the right word - instead of laughing it off, you turn it into a big deal and start the negative self talk which does you no good. I've been down that dead end road too many times.

I've had some cases where I can see someone leaning in to talk to the person next to them and I assume they are talking about me whether they are or not. Actually, it should make no difference but it still registers. I've even have had a few, that after they hear what this whisperer is saying to them, actual laugh out loud. Loud enough for everyone to hear (like it was just soooo funny). I think I'm going to start calling these people out like they are in the second grade and ask them if they have anything they'd like to share because it is very childish. Usually, these loud mouths aren't so brave when they are put on the spot. It's usually because of their on self-consciousness and feelings of insecurity that they do this kind of stuff. They want to draw this limited amount of attention to themselves (look at me, I'm cool and better), but not so much attention that the tables could turn on them. Maybe everyone else can see right through them anyway and I should just let them make fools of themselves. Maybe it's OCD and wanting everything to go perfect that causes this to be a bigger deal than it should. If you don't care, then maybe they can tell you don't care and it makes them feel even dumber than if you were to call them out on it. You see? That's why it's good to write and keep a journal - so you can work this kind of stuff out.

Being the leader you can control the relaxedness or tenseness of the environment. So if you decide that an open conversation with someone in the audience will calm yourself and show the audience some naturalness then you might start with that. You might bring so food and drinks for them to snack on (and make noise with) to take all of the focus off of yourself. I'm really thankful right now that I'm in a position where things can be taking slowly instead of having my boss tell me that I will be speaking at a convention next week with a thousand people. I know that I've written about this before and that I can be pretty dramatic but today (for some reason) the drama has lessened and I'm seeing more people that are like me, would rather avoid speaking in public if they have to, but are adult about listening to what I have to say without judgement. Maybe I've been around the wrong people for too long? People that see someone is uncomfortable and take advantage of that situation to make themselves feel better are people that I've dealt with before but (like I've said before) the less I care about trying to be perfect or not show any signs of nervousness while public speaking then the less I will have these traits when I've the center of attention. It's similar to that Aurelius quote I've worn out - "reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."


Of note:

This little trick has worked pretty well for me before public speaking...

Rikk Wilde - look him up on YouTube if the link is already taken down. I wouldn't say to watch this for laughs like some jerks do, but to read the comments. You will see that you are not alone in this whole public speaking thing. The poor guy has millions of hits on YouTube but people are really defending him because they know how he feels. There is an empathy there that you don't get with a lot of other subjects. There is a reason this video is out there and I don't think it's because people are enjoying watching someone suffer.

The Fear of Being Noticeably Nervous

I remember the moment that this fear of being noticeably nervous started. I was in a history class in junior high and we were supposed to bring in these little newspaper articles about some subject that we would read out loud in front of the class. That day I'd forgotten to bring an article and had to get one from a friend who, for some reason, had an extra. I was in a hurry because I didn't want a bad grade for forgetting the article and perhaps because I didn't want to upset the teacher. He asked questions about the article we read afterwards (from what I can remember) so maybe I knew I wouldn't have the correct answers after only reading it once. But I wasn't extremely nervous about about reading out loud in front of the class. I'd done that many, many times without it being a huge issue. After all, everyone gets a little nervous when they're in the spotlight. Anyway, I'd worked myself up and by the time I got up there my hands and voice were shaking. I didn't think anyone noticed, so I kept reading and I knew from experience that this went away after a little while, but the teacher cut me off and said that I could sit down. So he noticed!? This blew my mind. In a way it was a relief to sit down, but in a way it was way worse than if he'd just let me continue until my nerves calmed. Then I wouldn't have thought that anyone noticed that I was nervous at all and the next time it would be back to not being that big of a deal again. Bad luck, or for a reason - that day has affected me in ways I never would have thought possible. It had a snowball effect.

This was the day that I became aware that others could tell more of what I was feeling inside than I thought possible. Sure, I knew that you could tell when someone was sad, but a little nervous? From then on, the anxiety got worse. Not because of the things I once worried about while giving a speech; like knowing the material and making my points relevant to the audience. Now, I was nervous about other people noticing that I was nervous! So those jitters that usually went away would NOT go away because instead of being able to relax as you go, your mind escalates the fear into a somewhat selfish "everyone notices everything I'm doing" state that makes you feel as if you're in a life or death situation (that feeling right after a car accident).

Being that we are social beings who attract others with characteristics like strength and knowing that someone could see my nervousness or hear it in my voice made me feel weak. "If they see I'm weak then I will be rejected, picked on, and lonely," the voice inside of my head says. Even if I could beat them sparring in a karate class, or even if I was smarter than most in the room - at that moment they've got me. They see where I'm weak and my ego from any success I've had is shattered in an instant. I didn't get the reading out loud nervousness (which I've got control of now) until my freshman year in a high school Civics' class when some thug was staring at me the whole time I was reading for some reason. It was like he was waiting for me to mess up or something. He'd already made some comments before that day that had the effect he was looking for. Needless to say, the sheltered, sensitive, only child with the fragile ego finally snapped and from then on I didn't like being the center of attention at all. How we can let the actions of a few make us miserable for years when they haven't even thought about us is just a matter of how we have programmed our minds.

Like the deodorant commercial with the tag line - "Never let them see you sweat". Well, they can't see me sweat but they can hear it in my voice. On a side note - It also turned into this perfectionism, which is not possible and toxic. What a mess. Maybe I need to master the art of 'not giving a crap' again. Instead of never letting anyone see us sweat, maybe not giving a crap if they do would eliminate the stress that causes the sweating in the first place.

If the only signs of nervousness were sweating under your arms, this would be my miracle cure.

The following quote is about blushing, but can be applied to worrying about others noticing a shaky voice, hands, sweating etc. It's about stopping the internal critical script by not caring if people notice...

"The more a person does not care if he/she blushes, the more the symptom will diminish." - Jonathan Berent

Hey Brain.....F U

I often see people on TV or in front of a large group who aren't attractive, well read, well spoken, have no sense of style and wonder..."Why do they have no problem doing what so many people in this world are so afraid of?" You can see them on ESPN mispronouncing words (and not by accident - they really think the way they pronounce the word is correct) like terrible as turrble. How do these people get these jobs where they have millions of people hanging on their every word? 

I'm not saying that you have to be attractive, well read, well spoken, or have this great sense of style to be a good public speaker or to be an announcer on TV. I have nothing against people making a good living. What I'm saying is that there are some very attractive, well read, well spoken, stylish people out there that get up in front of 10 people and their voice shakes, they turn red - they are literally hating every moment of the experience while others without these qualities have never once in their lives had trouble speaking in front of a group (no matter how many are in the audience). So what's going on in the brain that can make some people confident in any social situation (that really have no advantage or reason to be) while it tears down people that could have the world by the freaking tail if they could only get over this one thing?

Look at college professors. A lot of these bloated, ugly, so-called liberal men are mocking beautiful women in their class who don't like to give presentations - like it's something they can get over in 5 minutes with their help. "Gee, thanks Prof, I haven't been dealing with this for years! I have never heard anyone say how ridiculous it is to feel the way I do or that maybe I feel this way because I'm self-absorbed - but guess what? The tough love crap hasn't worked yet!"

The mocking we see in a stupid teen movie isn't how it works in the real world. The real world is more nuanced and mental. It's not always the good looking kids bullying the nerdy looking kids. When it comes to social anxiety, it's a free-for-all on the socially anxious people. In a real high school or college you can have a guy that looks like the fat comic book nerd on the Simpsons ridicule a guy that looks like a model because he's too quiet. And of course, the quiet kids don't stick up for themselves, they actually let these freaks get to them, which empowers the mean to stay mean.

It's definitely a mental thing because social anxiety doesn't care about the physicality of the person that it's effecting. Maybe the best looking people are more likely to suffer with social anxiety? Well, if that's the case I don't see it, because there are also the Brad Pitts and Jessica Albas of the world that don't deal with it.

Is it upbringing, the thought process, the ego being either too big or too small, making too big of a deal out of mistakes made in the past, the freaking devil? You search the web enough and you'll find a thousand "experts" that have the cure - most of whom never suffered with SAD. There is an answer and we will figure it out (because it has been overcome before), and when we do, we will be more aware of the suffering of others, kinder, less self-involved, and more successful. Beware egomaniacs, maybe there is a reason for this after all. Maybe the suffering isn't all in vain.

The Bravery of Ricky Williams

Hard to believe #34 suffered with Social Anxiety Disorder

I remember being in the waiting room at a psychiatrist office in the nineties thinking that I was one of the only people in the world going through Social Anxiety Disorder. At the time, I was hopeful that there was some magic pill I would be prescribed that would just fix it all at once. There were a lot of magazines spread out on the coffee tables and end tables, so this magazine wasn't strategically placed or anything. It was just one Sports Illustrated among the many. I flipped to the article about Williams because I knew he'd just started with the New Orleans Saints and he'd had a lot of success with Texas A&M. At the time he was this 'force to be reckoned with' as a running back.

To my surprise, the article went into something I didn't expect it to at all. The article actually talked about his battle with SAD. From what I remember it was Q&A. I remember the sense of relief that came over me while reading this. I knew that there were people out there with social anxiety, but I don't think anyone this famous, this much in the public eye, had really addressed it up until then. The only other person at the time I'd even heard about that suffered with it was Kim Basinger, but it wasn't talked about much, so I considered it a rumor.

There are these little things that happen in our lives daily that we chalk up to coincidence, but to this day I still think that reading that article wasn't just a coincidence, but more of a blessing. I still draw a little courage from it. If this muscled up NFL pro had the guts to admit that he suffers from SAD, who am I to try to hide it or not find any way possible to help someone else in my small circle of influence. I'm thankful to this day that Williams was brave enough to shed light on the subject of SAD because one of the big hurdles of SAD has to do with the fear of others noticing your fear, which just causes more fear and anxiety.

For someone that doesn't deal with SAD I guess a good example would be - Let's say your struggling with an addiction to porn. You haven't heard much about anyone else that struggles with it. It's there, but not on your radar. Your buddies might joke around with you about it because they watch it from time to time, but you know it's something that's gone that extra step to 'out of control' with you personally. You decide to seek some help with it and while you are at your therapist office in the waiting room, you pick up a magazine and John Mayer is talking about his addiction to porn. It eases your mind a little, enables you to open up to your therapist a little more about the subject. It doesn't cure anything to know someone is going through the same thing as you, but it definitely helps. Especially, when the person that's talking about it in a magazine read by millions has other qualities you find admirable.

"A lot of people who experience it were shy as a child. I can remember being in high school and one day specifically that I was in class and I raised my hand to answer a question and I gave an answer and then I immediately thought, “That’s a really stupid answer, I’m never going to ever raise my hand again,” and I didn’t ever raise my hand again in class."

"When I got on medication and started going through therapy I had a renewed sense of what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a football player again, I wanted to be a good football player again. So I started therapy and I got on Paxil and a week or two later I was back in New Orleans dedicated to become the best football player that I could be. That is when I came out and told people that yeah, there’s something wrong. And I tell you, today and every day since then I get stronger, I get more confident, I get better. And, I’m up here in New York talking to a lot of people letting them know my story because if I’m who I am and I can do it, then anyone can do it. If your social anxiety is holding you back, talk to someone. It can get better. You can be happy." link

Williams states that he only took Paxil for 14 or 15 months. He reports that he no longer suffers from social anxiety as you can see in the video below.

"Well, I am now convinced there is no kind of fear or anxiety anyone has to live with. Talk to someone, see if they can help you." - Ricky Williams

Notes on the Fear of Public Speaking

You can accept it, and understand that it’s only going to get better if you face up to it. Ultimately, the only cure for insecurity is experience. You’re either going to face up to it and get better at it, or run from it your whole life. Imagine if you were comfortable speaking in public and took every opportunity presented. How would your life improve?

"Failure is having a goal and allowing the fear to prevent the first step."

"There are two types of speakers - those who get nervous and those who are liars." - Jonathan Berent

We dread confronting the possibility of rejection. We pressure ourselves to be perfect or else our self-worth suffers.

1. Don’t expect perfection from yourself
2. Avoid equating public speaking to your self worth
3. Avoid being nervous about your nervousness
4. Avoid trying to memorize every word
5. Avoid reading word for word

Nervousness is our adrenaline flowing, that’s all. It’s a form of energy. Successful speakers know how make this energy work for them and turn nervousness into enthusiasm, engagement, and charisma.

There are invisible scripts - deeply held notions that effect the way we make decisions on a daily basis. Problem is, these scripts are often outdated and misguided.

Some of the notes taken from watching this video....