I Can Only Take So Much Petty and It All Seems Petty

I'm not talking about Tom Petty, he has some decent stuff, and although I'm sure I could get sick of him pretty quickly, what I'm talking about is making mountains out of molehills. I'm talking about the pretentiousness and overstating of the simple to the point where it's just someone that really is in love with the sound of their own voice and what little power it may wield. When you get to a certain age you realize that you are 'the adult', which makes it harder for you take other 'adults' as seriously as you once did because they aren't speaking the truth like we thought they ALL did when we were children. We've learned that most of our fellow adults are just bigger kids with more experience that have learned the art of BS. 

For instance, lately its been harder for me to take something that is said in a business meeting or conference call with any real earnestness. Do these conversations have any bearing and/or reason? Yes. Should these conversations be taken as seriously as the people in these meetings would like them to be taken? In all likelihood - no. Believe me, I've spent a lot of hours in these types of environments and 90 percent of what is a such a 'big issue' is really not even close to being detrimental. If it is detrimental, it's usually because of the effect that it can have on someone much higher up's paycheck.

I think I still know how to play the game and act like I care but sometimes it's hard to hide my lack of interest. I still care about people, I just don't care a lot about playing the game anymore. I will swap stories with you for hours, that's fine - I just don't want to hear you talk to yourself about all of your accomplishments and awards while using corporate jargon that is meant to confuse when it's really just mind numbingly simple catch phrases. 

I literally have twenty to thirty minute conversations about things going on at work that could be narrowed down to a 20 second conversation. I could make a one or two sentence note on what needs to be done or what needs to be changed in my stupid daytimer and it's over, done, problem solved. Lately, I'm feeling like Coach Belichick in a press conference where I feel like I've adequately answered the question once so there is no reason to keep talking about it. I'm open to input that would help any situation, but other than that let's move forward.  The gift of gab runs its course after a while and sometimes it's just time filler BS that makes no difference until they catch you saying something stupid. That's when you ask yourself why you were still talking in the first place.

I don't know what's going on. Maybe it's the nicotine withdrawal that's caused this existential crisis, or maybe most people could already see through all the bull and I've been gullible for most of my life. It's literally like waking up one morning and instead of seeing all of these beautiful answers to all of these complicated questions, you've woken up and the miracle is that you can see straight through the BS. I mean all of it. It's your superpower. 

You notice things that you feel stupid for not noticing before - they want you to buy their car, so they use sex and the promise of envy; you're not acting the way they want you to act or thinking the way they want you to think, so your type will be portrayed as the stupid or crazy character in that TV show. You will see this and think that you don't fit in, that something must be wrong with you. Now...if you're sympathizing with a crazy cult leader because you're a crazy cult leader, then yes - you're nuts and it's not subliminal programming to get you to conform. 

I feel as if I'm a part of a system that I didn't even try that hard to become a member of, but somehow here I am. I could always quit, start back at the bottom, but where is the fun in that? I'll probably be removed from corporate management soon enough and they will be happy to be rid of me. The fact that all of the those people (the rich and famous, rock stars, movie stars, CEO's, lawyers, doctors, bosses) that I once stood in awe of are no better than me or anyone else is an awakening. We are simply people in different circumstances, for better or worse. Sometimes we even trade places. They may have worked harder than you to achieve something, they may have been born into money, they have made their money in filthy ways, and maybe few of us deserve the good fortune we've had? The thing that does unite us all is that we love to impress and we're scared to death of disapproval or having people see some side of us we've been trained to think of as a sign that you are no longer 'worth' anything. So that Boss that was giving you a hard time is just some guy who has fears like you do and maybe that's why everything's a big deal to him. 

When you truly realize that you and everyone around you will eventually die, it changes the way you look at almost everything - life, work, relationships, money, materialism, health. Some of the changes you make when this is contemplated can be good (like spending more time with loved ones and living a fuller life), while some changes you may make in your attitude about life may make you a harder sell in the current world we live in. It could even get you removed from sets of friends or institutions. In a hundred years, you might fit in just fine with this train of thought, but in the world we live in at the moment (most people's inner dialogues being mostly full of feeling like we are special and horrible at the same time along with thinking our problems can be solved by consuming something) you seeing how short life is doesn't add to that conversation. 

If you were a business owner looking for "fired up" employees would you even hire yourself? Would you hire the guy that doesn't see the point to it all? Yeah, I might. Especially if it was sales (believe it or not). They would either be the best sales person I've ever had or the worse. It just depends on how charming their independence is. Their honesty might just be the refreshing change potential clients are looking for in this fake world that only seems to be concerned with the bottom line. With most businesses, if they do a service along the way, it's simply a side effect of how they make their money. 

It would be nice to see more businesses that think service first, but no matter how much they say this, it's rarely true. The problem remains though, that most of our issues will only be dealt with by having a healthy free market. A large government cannot solve any of the issues that are facing us. It may seem as if it is temporarily, but in the long run we become too dependent and open ourselves up to even bigger messes. If you think a company man can talk about some petty stuff, listen to a politician.

Don't get me wrong. I really don't have it that bad. There are way worse jobs. I've become so jaded by Corporate America that if I lost my current job and had to find something else, it would probably have to be something where I could just be myself (to a point). Somewhere that the game doesn't matter as much as the outcome. 

Wisdom and Action

If you'll notice, usually what people talk about the most is what they're most concerned or proud about. Most of what people think, talk, and write about is what's on the forefront of their minds. Likewise, when someone reads a quote or hears a talk that has an impact on them, it's because it's something that was on their mind. When people consider ways to improve themselves or their situations, they usually study up on what is bothering them the most or something that they need to work on. It is usually through struggle that people tend to search for answers. It is usually in a time of crisis that we find the strength to put what we've learned to the test and start to look for meaning through spiritual methods such as prayer.

This does make me wonder. Did Marcus write his meditations to overcome his weaknesses? Did he stray from his own wisdom often? Did those close to him see a different side of him, a part that did not follow his own advice? I would imagine so. Why else would he need to re-motivate himself. So often, we know what we should do and yet we don’t do it. This is when we fall from virtue. If I were perfect, I doubt I would need to write about how to strive for perfection. heroicstoic

Knowing what we should do and doing it can be challenging. We should cultivate good eating habits now to avoid health problems down the road, but many of us will not change our diets until we actually have a health issue that is the result of a poor diet. The same can be said for smokers that don't decide to quit until it's effected their health. It's part of our nature to go along doing what feels good and what deadens the bad feelings that we have now, avoiding changes that hurt in the short term but will make us happier in the long term. We can learn everything there is to learn about a subject, but until we use this knowledge in the real world it's pretty worthless. Trial and error is the key. Expecting perfection right from the start will only set you back. Avoidance will only make certain situations worse. Realize where improvement can be made and keep moving forward until that problem is a distant memory. It's hard to be in a good mood when we are struggling with something, so why not take the steps necessary to overcome the struggle? Life is too short to let depression, anxiety, and addiction keep us down.

First World Labels & Fitting In

Is it fair to label anyone that has any type of social anxiety with a disorder? For instance, if you only get nervous when your put on the spot in a meeting, conference call, or public speaking - does this mean that you have a disorder? If almost everyone else has or had these feelings to some extent, doesn't it mean we all have this disorder but just at different times of our lives or at different levels? The world is a very social place, but the West has made what was once a natural thing into something that can make or break you. There are so many books, organizations, and classes telling us that in order to succeed you should talk this way, use this tone, use this body language, have this expression on your face. It can put you so inside your own head that you are no longer able to have a casual conversation without thinking about whether your hand should be on your hip or at your side.

We've come a long way very quickly from families that lived on farms, had no internet, no phones, no televisions, and no business meetings. Their work and financial well-being wasn't dependent on a title or what people thought about them. So, is it really that odd that we have a lot more socially anxious and depressed people around than there used to be or more than less-developed countries have? Are we too quick to label someone who's dealing with anxiety here and there with a disorder just because they are under a lot of pressure? Of course, the way we think about a situation can blow something trivial and petty out of proportion, but this way of thinking didn't come out of the blue - it had to start somewhere. As a society, while things have gotten much better as far as our physical comforts go, we are growing more and more uncomfortable mentally.While we are all trying figure out what's going on in our heads, it's easy to find a label for just about anything. Maybe it's just an outbreak of anxiety that has taken many forms. 

The meme about first world problems is very fitting, but I'm beginning to think that the mental problems we have can be just as painful or even more painful than some of the physical discomforts of a third world nation (or the problems we used to have before modern convenience). I'm not talking about the petty stuff like, "My maid couldn't come this week." I'm talking about the underlying anxiety and depression that creeps up on us daily. Some days, I'll see some workers paving a parking lot in the heat and think - "they're probably more content than I am sitting in my air conditioned office." At times, I would much rather disconnect myself from the politics of the corporate world where I'm tethered to my cell phone and emails, have to discipline adults about some policy I don't even agree with, and deal with people who are more concerned about the bottom line than the well being of people.

If you enjoy your job, you're very lucky. Maybe we don't know what we've got until it's gone? If we move on to something worse, maybe we will think back and miss the old job and it's all in our attitude about the situation. Someone else could take your place and love the job you hate. Is it crazy to want to go backwards? To some people it is. To some, it means you're weak or have a 'fear of success'. But, is it really the fear of success that is messing with us or the fear of the crap that comes along with it. If you are doing what you love or own your own business this can be much more manageable, but the majority of us are working for an entity that is made up of people that could care less what you think, they just want you to walk the company line. 

Patrice O'Neal made a good point in an old interview about how we've become followers who don't think for ourselves. He was talking about how he forgot to pay his electric bill and a company man came by and said that if he didn't have a check he would have to shut it off right then. Patrice asked him if he would still turn it off if he had a family member, hooked up to machines that kept them alive in his house. The guy simply said it was his job. We've gotten to the point where we just do as we are told and have somehow buried that part of us that can make decisions based on common sense and decency. And we wonder how Hitler got so many people to follow him?

This is why CEO's, Presidents, and a lot of higher level leaders tend to be narcissists. They don't care about other people. They don't care about what "they right thing to do" is. They may pretend that they care or do the right thing in order to make themselves look good, but really they're disconnected. So, are we labeling people that have issues which would keep them from being a narcissistic CEO? Are we labeling people that have some melancholy as crazy people that don't fit in? The world is made up of so many different types of people, but we expect everyone to be on the same page at the same time. The idea that we are all supposed to be a walking billboard for a Dale Carnegie course is insanity to me. Do you really want friends and family that have catch phrases and make sure they creepily lock eyes an entire conversation because it's some trick they learned? Or, do you want people in your life that are real?

Sometimes the labels fit. They probably do help people narrow down the issues they're suffering with so that they can get the right kind of help. We just have to be careful that we don't carry the labels around with us as an excuse to not get better. Just because you are depressed or anxious right this minute doesn't mean you're stuck this way for the rest of your life. Only in rare cases does it mean that you have to be on medication for the rest of your life. So, while a label can be helpful, we mustn't forget the first label we were given - human being. That label comes with enough baggage on its own. As a human being we are very complex. You can be labeled an introvert today and an extrovert a year from now. You can be labeled depressed after your mother dies and a happy person two months from now. You can be labeled anxious today by someone and too easy-going tomorrow by someone else. The brain is a strange organ that changes with input. Can you label your computer stupid because it's output is reflecting bad input? No. It's still the same computer that you've gotten a ton of work done using, it just needs the corrupted files removed. 

Someone Always Has It Worse

When we are feeling down about life and we're dealing with anxiety about a job, our family, or some other problem; sometimes we have to put things into perspective. Not only does nothing last (and I mean nothing - not even your body), but there is always someone out there that is suffering more. We are so inside our own heads that it can be difficult to see this. There are people out there that do have this perspective, but very few of us (myself included). We don't have this outlook until we are reminded. When we are reminded, a lot of times we push it right back out of our minds because we don't want to think of how unfair the world is. We go about our day thinking about our own (usually petty) problems and being self consumed. Almost all of us are so inside our heads that we see this world through this false perspective.

Two abbreviated examples from my own life (which will make me seem like a jerk) have been on my mind as of late. A friend of mine that I grew up with became paralyzed from the waist down when we were in college. He dove into a river to catch a football and in one instant his life was changed forever. There was a stump just underneath the murky water that snapped a vertebrae. He was very athletic and was going to school to become a coach. We were all at the hospital the night it happened. He was in good spirits when I visited him and I remember having the guts to hold his hand. He started throwing up uncontrollably and we were asked to leave the room. Myself, and other friends and family, stayed in the waiting room for a few hours and then went home. I'm sad to say that we haven't kept in touch much since. I see him every now and then. It seems that he is usually around a set of friends that are also in wheelchairs. I'm sure it's helpful for them to be together but I also know that it's because of people like me.

Probably, not many of them hang around their old friends as much either. People move on, not just because of the awkwardness and sadness, but because it's the way of the world. We should be closer to someone when they need people more - shouldn't that be the case? Why do we grow farther apart from people that need people the most? And who am I to say he's sad all the time because he's in a wheelchair? In my absence he might be happier than I am? So, why the avoidance? This is where the church has it right. They take care of other members (they might no even get along with) any time they see there is a need. You don't see this too much in secular society. It's there, but statistically, it's not as prevalent on a personal level.

I've made plans with him on two or three occasions for lunch that fell through because of my job or some other lame excuse. He is a much better man than I will ever be. I broke my leg a few years ago and was a nightmare to live with. Not a day goes by when I get on my treadmill at home and don't think about him and how he would love to be doing something that I dread. It also makes me think of how quickly things can change. This could be the last time that I'm able to walk on a treadmill or at all. Who knows when that simple accident can break just the right bone to end to my mobility?

The second example happened just the other day and it made me realize how ridiculous I can be about this socially anxious crap that I put myself through. A younger guy called my office (probably early twenties) looking for a job. I get these kind of calls pretty regularly, usually asking if they should apply online or come in to fill out an application. This guy broke my heart. He had a stutter and speech impediment which made him very hard to understand. I had a friend when I was younger that stuttered but if you waited long enough you could clearly hear what he wanted to get out. This was worse. When this potential applicant would finally get the words out some were still slurred a bit so I would have to ask him to repeat himself. I found myself (at first) finishing sentences for him out of pity, but then came to my senses and put myself in his position. Would I want someone to finish my sentences? Probably not. When I'm calling for a job I would want to seem capable in every way that I could. It's one thing when your wife finishes your sentences, but it is another when your potential boss does.

This made me realize that all of the anxious thoughts that go through my head before business calls, meetings, and sales calls that I make throughout the week must seem like child's play to this guy. How much gumption did he have to muster before making that call to my office while I'm sitting here saying 'woe is me'? He would probably love to be in my situation instead. Or, maybe I'm selling the poor guy short. Maybe he isn't as socially anxious as I am. Maybe he's the life of the party and I'm just assuming that he's going through hell when he has to do stuff like that because of my own distorted perception and mental prison I've put myself in.

I've just got to remind myself of what other people go through and stop acting like the world revolves around me. My bosses son or daughter might be in the hospital when he calls me and complains about something I did or didn't do. That waitress who seems moody might have just left a table full of rude people and why add to it by being upset with her? Not saying there aren't just some plain jerks in the world that deserve a firm 'no' or a telling off. Those of us who are socially anxious tend to be overly sensitive and nice to people that don't deserve it but it's always better to take a moment and think about what else could possibly be going on inside that persons head or in their life that is causing them to act abnormal or unfriendly.

If you do get that rude waitress or your boss is upset with you, remind yourself how petty this is compared to what some people are going through. Just the fact that you can read this blog post makes you richer than three-fourths of the world's population.When you are upset because the Netflix app isn't working on your iPad or you need to do your 30 minutes on the treadmill after you've been at work all day because of a New Year's resolution, it's always good to remember that there is someone out there that would kill to be in your position. If by chance, and it can happen to any of us, we lose everything (including the function of body parts or a loved one dies) we must remember no matter how much it hurts and how hard it is to deal with, there is still another person out there going through worse.

This is very hard to get a grasp on in our day and age when all we see in the media are people who have it "better" than us. There are tons of reality shows that revolve around rich people and the houses they have, the cars they drive, their toned bodies, and the relationships they have. We think their lives are so great but we forget we are living a pretty good life too. The tough times that you've gone through that they haven't even make you better in some ways. Do you really want to be like them anyway?  You never hear them talking about those that are less fortunate and from what I can tell none of them are very well read. In fact, to make their show more interesting and add "drama", they are usually complaining about something ridiculous.

My daughters were watching Keeping up with the Kardashians the other evening and one of the sisters (don't know which is which) was complaining because she had gone to a boring party where she just stood around (and then drove home in her top-of-the-line Range Rover). What hell this poor girl has to go through huh? I'm sure some distressed mother in a children's hospital flipping through channels while her child with cancer in the hospital bed next to her is sleeping, IV tubes sticking out of her, was really saddened by what Khloe (or whoever) had to go through.

So instead of thinking about the things in life that we don't have; we need to focus on the good things while they last because nothing last, not even for the rich people on reality TV. Be thankful because it can always be worse. No one knows how good they have it until they contemplate what suffering some in this life must go through. This isn't to say that we should stay in a state of depression about all the bleakness in the world like a Goth in an eighties movie, but to be in a state of thankfulness.

One of the happiest guys I know does relief work. You'd think it would be depressing stuff, but it causes him to appreciate what he does have and also help those in need. He said it was the best job he's ever had. Just giving an ear to someone in need for them to tell their story is (in a sense) relief work. There is something each of us can do any day of the week to help others. Just be a good person and you will see the impact you'll have on others. Be thankful, be gracious, don't be self-consumed, and remember those less fortunate. This is something that will help all of us (in some way) who suffer from depression or anxiety.