I've actually made it to day 12. It's been a journey full of scattered thoughts, mood swings, and binge eating until I can't feel my legs - but it's getting better. Right now, I have no desire for nicotine. Oops, spoke too soon, there it is.
Really, my cravings are becoming less frequent. There are certain things that seem to set off the need for tobacco that I've discussed before. I could have used a huge cigar at the end of the Saints' game last weekend. If they could win a game then my Sundays would be a little more sunshine and less the Morrissey version of "silent and grey." I'm not much of a Sunday person anyway, so the Saint's losing the game in the last 3 minutes only made it more depressing. Why I'm upset because some millionaires lost a game is beyond me.
I still get that flush of dopamine every now and again when I think about smoking. They say it gets released when you're expecting a reward, whether the reward actually comes or not. Problem is, I'm unable to fulfill the expectation so I look to other things like food and drink. My time on the treadmill has gone up a little (probably due to the need to burn off some stress) but I'm sure I'm making up for it in calories. I had two beers last night, plus a lot of appetizers at the restaurant we went to. No real food that I can think of in the last few days. That will have to be the next step once I'm over this hump - getting my diet back on track. If I don't reign this in I will end up on the news, being fork-lifted out of my house while my moo moo flaps in the wind.
I've learned that knowing something is bad for you doesn't mean that you will make a change. The thoughts about something being bad for you have to align with your emotions in order for you to quit a bad habit or start a good one. That's why most of the time, when life changes are made, it's because of an emotion like fear. You're much more likely to have a clean diet if your doctor tells you that you're borderline diabetic and you're more apt to quit smoking if you're told that you have spots on your lungs. Sad but true. Maybe I'm lucky that it didn't take a scare to make me quit nicotine? There was some other emotion that lined up with the intellectual part of me knowing it was bad for me, even though I can't really put my finger on it I'm sure a small part of it was fear. Next step will be to get my diet back under control instead of using quitting smoking as the excuse. Guess it will take lining the intellectual and the emotional up again. Now back to listening to Viva Hate because what's a better answer to any problem than knowing it's all going to end one way or another - "Armageddon, come Armageddon."
Hard to believe #34 suffered with Social Anxiety Disorder
I remember being in the waiting room at a psychiatrist office in the nineties thinking that I was one of the only people in the world going through Social Anxiety Disorder. At the time, I was hopeful that there was some magic pill I would be prescribed that would just fix it all at once. There were a lot of magazines spread out on the coffee tables and end tables, so this magazine wasn't strategically placed or anything. It was just one Sports Illustrated among the many. I flipped to the article about Williams because I knew he'd just started with the New Orleans Saints and he'd had a lot of success with Texas A&M. At the time he was this 'force to be reckoned with' as a running back.
To my surprise, the article went into something I didn't expect it to at all. The article actually talked about his battle with SAD. From what I remember it was Q&A. I remember the sense of relief that came over me while reading this. I knew that there were people out there with social anxiety, but I don't think anyone this famous, this much in the public eye, had really addressed it up until then. The only other person at the time I'd even heard about that suffered with it was Kim Basinger, but it wasn't talked about much, so I considered it a rumor.
There are these little things that happen in our lives daily that we chalk up to coincidence, but to this day I still think that reading that article wasn't just a coincidence, but more of a blessing. I still draw a little courage from it. If this muscled up NFL pro had the guts to admit that he suffers from SAD, who am I to try to hide it or not find any way possible to help someone else in my small circle of influence. I'm thankful to this day that Williams was brave enough to shed light on the subject of SAD because one of the big hurdles of SAD has to do with the fear of others noticing your fear, which just causes more fear and anxiety.
For someone that doesn't deal with SAD I guess a good example would be - Let's say your struggling with an addiction to porn. You haven't heard much about anyone else that struggles with it. It's there, but not on your radar. Your buddies might joke around with you about it because they watch it from time to time, but you know it's something that's gone that extra step to 'out of control' with you personally. You decide to seek some help with it and while you are at your therapist office in the waiting room, you pick up a magazine and John Mayer is talking about his addiction to porn. It eases your mind a little, enables you to open up to your therapist a little more about the subject. It doesn't cure anything to know someone is going through the same thing as you, but it definitely helps. Especially, when the person that's talking about it in a magazine read by millions has other qualities you find admirable.
"A lot of people who experience it were shy as a child. I can remember being in high school and one day specifically that I was in class and I raised my hand to answer a question and I gave an answer and then I immediately thought, “That’s a really stupid answer, I’m never going to ever raise my hand again,” and I didn’t ever raise my hand again in class."
"When I got on medication and started going through therapy I had a renewed sense of what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a football player again, I wanted to be a good football player again. So I started therapy and I got on Paxil and a week or two later I was back in New Orleans dedicated to become the best football player that I could be. That is when I came out and told people that yeah, there’s something wrong. And I tell you, today and every day since then I get stronger, I get more confident, I get better. And, I’m up here in New York talking to a lot of people letting them know my story because if I’m who I am and I can do it, then anyone can do it. If your social anxiety is holding you back, talk to someone. It can get better. You can be happy." link
Williams states that he only took Paxil for 14 or 15 months. He reports that he no longer suffers from social anxiety as you can see in the video below.
"Well, I am now convinced there is no kind of fear or anxiety anyone has to live with. Talk to someone, see if they can help you." - Ricky Williams
"I have a memory, and I can just eliminate mistakes when they come up because I've already made them." - Tom Brady
I've got football on the brain with the start of the season, so if you're not a fan bear with me a bit here. I promise not to analyze the sport itself, but to talk about it more in philosophical and psychological terms. There is a psychology and philosophy to every sport and it's athletes. There are things to learn if we pay attention to the ones who are doing it right.
Here is Tom Brady as we know him today - He's been to the Super Bowl five times and has won three, including two Super Bowl MVP awards. He's been selected to nine Pro Bowls and has led the Patriots to more division titles than any other quarterback in NFL history. He's married to super-model Gisele Bundchen and his net worth is reportedly 120 million dollars. What you might not know is that Brady's road to get to this point wasn't as easy on you might think. Most of the time we see people at the height of their careers and assume that they are just lucky, or have some raw talent that we don't have. This can be the case sometimes, but more often than not, it isn't.
When I read philosophers like Aurelius - I sometimes think about the people who are leaders or are going through some kind of personal battle, and how they already portray a lot of the characteristics and mental strategies taught by these philosophers. We usually think of great Generals or Emperors like Aurelius (who was in battle for most of his later life) and assume that only they can know certain truths well enough to write about them. But what about our modern day leaders? How are they able to incorporate some of these ideas into their lives, most having never read any philosophy? I think that it's because a truth remains a truth. Even when you are saying the same thing a different way, it doesn't necessarily mean that you've ripped off an idea from someone else. It's because it is rational and wise thought that prevails.
"Early on in college I didn't feel like I was really wanted at Michigan. There were very, very good players on that team, and I didn't always think I was one of them. I certainly didn't think I'd play in the NFL, at least not until about midway through my senior year, when it started to become a reality." LINK
Tom Brady was a backup quarterback his first two years at the University of Michigan. He was seventh on the depth chart at one point and he even hired a sports psychologist to cope with his anxiety and frustration. He considered transferring to UC Berkeley, but something told him to stick it out at Michigan. When everyone else went home, he'd stay and watch tape. When everyone else stopped training during the off season Brady kept training. Without getting too much into statistics, his senior year wasn't all he hoped it would be. Michigan had just recruited Drew Henson and Brady shared playing time with the quarterback his senior year. Nevertheless, Brady won 20 of the 25 games he started.
Probably due to sharing quarterbacking duties with Henson his senior year, the NFL draft wasn't was at all what Tom Brady expected. He wasn't selected until the 6th round by the Patriots. He was the 199th player picked in the draft that year. Considering that he is better known than those picked in the top 10 that same year is a testament to the work he put in starting at fourth string for the Patriots. His rookie season he threw for 6 yards. In 2011 he threw for 5,235 yards.
To keep from writing about politics and going down that rabbit hole, I've been thinking about how quarterbacks are essentially the Generals of the field. This is probably due to football season just having started and checking my Fantasy Football roster every few hours, but I think these guys have to have something that allows for them to progress even though (at times), the media and the fans are disappointed, doubtful and angry with them. They stand in the middle of turmoil looking for a strategy knowing that any second some linebacker can break free and pummel them. If their defense doesn't hold up, they are expected to make up the difference over and over, each time they take the field. They are blamed for losses that are sometimes beyond their control.
Quarterbacks can play one of the toughest games of their lives and lose by three points, but still have fans that just "give up" on them. This is, of course, until the next Sunday when they throw for 400 yards and win by a landslide. The public is fickle this way and I guess the players have to learn this. If they didn't, they would be beating themselves up so badly that they wouldn't be able to pull out of their ruts. I'm guessing that during the season they stay away from ESPN or any print media that analyzes the game.
"We all have experiences in our lives that change us, and we can learn from people, like my dad, but at the end of the day, it's only us. And we're only responsible to make ourselves happy." - Tom Brady
Like all of us, Brady has had his emotional moments like yelling at receivers and losing his composure, but the amount of pressure and temptations that a person like a Tom Brady or Drew Brees goes through is something that we can't fathom. All in all, Brady keeps his composure like most high ranking quarterbacks. The true test isn't whether you can suppress all emotion, but how you use it. How does it effect you, your teammates, and the score? If you can rationally step back and say that it only made things worse, then you let emotions rise above rational thought and wisdom.
We all know the feeling of going off on someone and thinking of how we could have better handled it later. It's always something we regret, isn't it? So the trick is to think first, and handle it the right way the first time. Peyton Manning has these outbursts pretty regularly, even when it's not the receiver's faults and it sometimes makes him look spoiled and silly. Meanwhile, Brady has maintained a humbleness that a lot players don't have, perhaps due to the fact that he had to work his way to the top. He wasn't a first round draft pick, he wasn't a huge college star, he wasn't drafted to a team that had years of success behind them like the Dallas Cowboys.
Richard Sherman, who doesn't have a humble bone in his body, trash talked Tom Brady after a game and tweeted a picture with "U mad bro?" across it. When Tom Brady was asked about Sherman he replied, "We win with graciousness, when we lose we could do better. Some teams don't always do that or that's not their program...Look, they advanced. The only way to counter that is to beat them. When you don't win...you just gotta shut your mouth and listen to it. When you get an opportunity down the road, maybe that's a source of motivation."
I'm not saying that Brady or any other football player in the country is a philosophical role model, but considering the pressure and scrutiny they are put through I find it interesting how they handle it. Now, would I take 20 million a year until the age of forty to go through this type of public scrutiny? Probably so. Considering the sport itself, with its trials on and off the field, if I were a coach, manager, or owner I would be handing out the literature of the Stoic Philosophers and the Bible for free.
Another stoic who was a phenomenal player was Barry Sanders who played for the Detroit Lions. He retired while he was still young and healthy but remains to this day one of the best running backs to play the game. Instead of celebrating after a touchdown he would usually just hand the ball over the referee and walk off the field. The video below pretty much sums up his character. This is something you don't see too often anymore...
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