It's Just You and Me

Let's just say it's been a rough couple of months (which I will take the time to write about at a later date). I head out of town tomorrow (flying to Minneapolis) to start training with my new job. Found out today I'll be sharing a hotel room with someone I've never met and needless to say I'm not too thrilled about this at all. If you've read any other post you'll know that this caused my social anxiety to flare up (like I wasn't already anxious about the whole thing already). Today has just been a lovely day of worrying about all of the possibilities. I think things like this happen to me because God is trying to draw me closer. I really do. It really does make me start talking to him. Of course, it always starts out in the way David talked to him in Psalms - "Why me? Why do you hate me?!"

I've already told God that if this is the way it's going to be then he is going to be hearing a lot from me. This journey - it's just you and me God. Like I've posted before. When it is all said and done, as much as someone or some group of people my care about and love you, there is only so much they can understand about your situation. While you are still up crying and praying they eventually fall asleep. Of course, the same is true the other way around also. So essentially, it always boils down to you and God. Anyway, I know that this isn't being read by anyone besides spammers, so spammers wish me luck. And to those of you who might be reading this 50 years from now for some reason (after the sweet release of death has taken me) - I hope that they have invented a magic pill that eliminates this social anxiety crap, completely without any side effects. I'm currently taking Buspirone. There aren't really any bad side effects but I sure do miss that feeling of relaxation that I would sometimes get from Xanax. I can't tell if this drug is working at all.

12 Public Speaking Tips to Become Sturdy Minded

I've done some public speaking recently (twice in two days), which may be a surprise to anyone who's read some of my bleaker posts about this subject in the past. I'm not saying that this is something easy to get over (by no means) or that I'm completely at ease yet myself, but I thought I'd post a few things that have helped me out over the last few days and have made me much more comfortable. It's strange, but right now I'm feeling like I want more practice with it - which is a long way from the days where I would dread the experience from the moment I found out that it was coming until the moment the I was in front of a group.

The more comfortable I get with myself in front of a group, the more I feel as if a weight that I've been carrying half of my life is finally being lifted off of me. I even smiled a few times behind that podium because "It's been a long time coming." How ridiculous that I've let this hinder me for so long. I know that I have a long way to go, but taking these steps of doing and not avoiding (like I used to) has been good for me. I can already tell that the more I do this, the less of a 'big deal' my mind will make out of it. To show you how small I'm starting and how far I have to go - I haven't spoken in front of more than 15 people yet and my comfort level somewhat depends on who is in my small audience. If I know there's a rude or judgmental person there, I'm a little more anxious (which is something I've got to get past). Why let one or two people ruin progress? I've noticed from watching any public speaking, that there are people in the audience that will be judgmental no matter who is up in front of them. These are usually the people that would hate to be up there themselves.

Below is what has helped me and I didn't learn all of this on my own so I'm going to give credit where credit is due...

1. If possible, start speaking in front of 10 to 15 people. Where it's work related you can start by just reading and going over the facts without getting too much into personal stories etc. As you get comfortable that will come later.

2. I know this goes against what all of the public speaking "experts" teach but don't be afraid to make a joke out of your nervousness. The "experts" say you don't want to draw attention to it but if you think they will notice anyway, take the pressure off yourself by being real. They will usually laugh at this if it's done in a certain way. There is usually no reason,while public speaking, to make everything so serious. The more self-effacing and friendly you are, the more likely you'll get warm feelings back towards you. If someone in the audience is jerky enough to take advantage of that; you have the podium (so to speak), so you can shut them down (if even sarcastically).

3. Remember half of your audience isn't listening to you and the other half just hopes you don't call on them.

4. Smile - Smiling changes the brain. When you grin (even a small sly grin) it eases the tension. At least it has been working for me. You don't have to stand up there grinning like the Cheshire cat but every now and then helps the brain snap into a better mood and sense of well-being.

5 Breathing - this has been a biggie for me. I did not realize how much effective breathing can ease the tensions in my body. Here are the breathing videos I recommend (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched at one point)...



6. Realize that some things just can't be fixed with your head. Whether you're reading book after book on the subject but never putting it into practice, or you're backstage trying to think about how special you are because you read it in one of those books - there are some things you can't think yourself out of. Sometimes the best way to fix your head is to get out of your head - see  the videos below for better explanations (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched)...



7. If needed, get with your doctor or psychiatrist about prescriptions that will help with the nerves while you practice and get better at public speaking. If permitted by a physician, perhaps you can taper down the amount taken as you get more comfortable being in front of an audience - up to the point where you no longer find the medication necessary because your brain has rewired itself to see public speaking as something that isn't life threatening or as big of a deal as you once made it. The typical medications a doctor might prescribe would be Xanax or beta-blockers. Of course, it'd be great not to have to use them at all but it depends on how extreme the fear is. If it's to the point where you'd rather drive off into the distance, lose your job, and leave your family behind because your company wants you to give 20 minute speech, then perhaps your psychiatrist can give you something to help you get over that hump. While feeling the fear isn't a bad thing, there's no reason you have to suffer more than the average person does before they do public speaking. Even pets are given sedatives during thunderstorms.

8. When you can, use a podium. I love podiums. You can sort your paperwork out on them, hide those shaky hands you usually get at first. Lean on it for a rest when you want (but they will think you're doing it for effect). Use one when possible. Politicians have it made, besides debates they have a podium and teleprompters to read off of.

9. Don't over-prep. Over-preparing can make you more nervous (it does me). Have some bullet points you'd like to hit and go from there. You don't have to memorize a speech or practice it over and over. That's overkill and it makes being in front of other people as different than other parts of your life. Do you have to practice what you're going to say to your buddy or family members over and over before you talk to them? I know you want to be a little more prepared when you have a message that has to be relayed to a group of people but I'm done with over-prepping and the 'practicing in the mirror' bit.

10. Remember it's not about you, the world doesn't revolve around you. They don't care as much as you think they do. You're actually up there just having a conversation with fellow human beings.

11. Change your Diet for the better - I will get more into this later but I've cut way back on dairy and carbs and I'm feeling a lot calmer. Also, the better shape you're in, the better you'll probably feel in front of a group. Especially if you haven't nailed down that "I don't give a crap what they think" part yet.

12. Last trick I have that is still taking me some time to get a complete grip on - The more you don't care if you appear nervous or that people will notice your blushing, shaky hands, shaky voice etc. - the less nervous you will be. As a result of not caring if they notice, the symptoms are eliminated :). This probably goes hand in hand with #2 on this list. The less you care what others think, the better off you'll be.

"The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think."

Does Sugar Cause Anxiety?

Sugar has been on the usual suspects shortlist for a variety of illnesses lately and is now being blamed for some of the mental health issues that we're facing in the West. Secondary effects of too much sugar and processed food consumption can cause depression and anxiety due to the weight gain and sedentary feelings they may cause but is there a direct relation between sugar and anxiety?

Notice, I'm not going to be talking about many of the other problems that have been grouped with sugar consumption like confusion, sadness, inability to focus etc. I'm going to focus on anxiety and see where we stand with sugar consumption and its relation to anxiety by looking at the research that is currently out there.

There is a lot of research which shows that sugar and junk food has led us down a path of swollen bodies and unhealthy attitudes. Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that a healthy diet is the answer to all of our problems. I would, however, like to see a study done on the percentage of people who have an unhealthy diet and are overweight compared to people who eat very healthy diets and are in good shape and see what the gap is between the two groups on how much psychotherapy and pharmaceuticals that each is taking. I'm willing to bet that the more healthy group is way less medicated. I'm willing to also bet that people who have addictive personalities are much more likely to have unhealthy diets and have emotional eating issues. And when is the last time you at a tomato when you were depressed? Aren't you more likely to eat a pint of ice cream, which just continues the addiction to sugar? To only add to the confusion, you also have a "chicken or the egg" situation as stated in The Psychiatric Times -

"However, since the advent of the atypical antipsychotics, obesity has become more prevalent." - link

If you've been keeping up with this blog at all you'll notice that I've been keeping a scattered journal on my recent separation from nicotine. It's been a hard road and considering that it's an oral fixation that I've grown accustomed to for many years I've been apt to use this as an excuse to have a tootsie roll pop (or any other sugary candy that you can think of) anytime I have the urge for a tobacco product. As of today, it's been 29 days so maybe it's helped. I have pretty much gotten over the need for nicotine, which is probably why I'm moving on to this subject of diet and relating it to my mental health issues. Can a proper diet with moderate exercise cure me of my anxiety and make my small doses of Xanax unnecessary? This is the next step on my journey. The next frontier that I will have to undertake in order to become so healthy that I'm afraid to die again.

Now, back to the question of sugar and anxiety. Dr.Perlmutter, in his book "Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar--Your Brain's Silent Killers" - he suggest a low carb diet with very little fruits. There is an excerpt from his site suggesting that not only does sugar effect our brains but also the healthy carbs...

Renowned neurologist David Perlmutter, MD, blows the lid off a topic that’s been buried in medical literature for far too long: carbs are destroying your brain. And not just unhealthy carbs, but even healthy ones like whole grains can cause dementia, ADHD, anxiety, chronic headaches, depression, and much more. LINK

Looking at his site and video interviews, the main claim tends to be that following his suggested diet will greatly lower your chance of getting Alzheimer's and a reduce in brain fog, depression, ADHD etc. I'm not seeing much on anxiety besides a few articles. Maybe the book goes into more detail about anxiety specifically. These are the kinds of studies I'm looking for. Perlmutter's diet does seem to help people though. One man claims to have seen a 50% decline in his anxiety after reading Grain Brain, taking the suggested supplements, and exercising.


The Calm Clinic had the below to say about sugar and anxiety...

Contrary to what you read online, sugar does not cause anxiety. Anxiety is a mental health issue, and it's very uncommon for a person's diet to "cause" anxiety. What sugar does do is create changes in your body that may make your anxiety symptoms worse, or cause feelings that trigger anxiety attacks.

And then they egg you on to take this 7 minute anxiety test, so while what they're saying in the article is probably true there may be a $68 ulterior motive to why you can't fix your anxiety with diet alone. The $68 may be worth it but I'm sticking to diet on this post.


In the next article written by Dr. David Sack we read that...

"sugar consumption to an increased risk of depression and worse outcomes in individuals with schizophrenia" and " Interestingly, countries with high sugar intake also have a high rate of depression."

But what about anxiety? Well, he goes on to say that..

"The Standard American Diet, which is full of sugar and fat, does not necessarily cause anxiety but it does appear to worsen anxiety symptoms and impair the body’s ability to cope with stress." and "In a 2008 study, rats that binged on sugar and then fasted displayed anxiety, and in a 2009 study rats fed sucrose compared to high-antioxidant honey were more likely to suffer anxiety. While dietary changes alone cannot cure anxiety, they can minimize symptoms, boost energy and improve the body’s ability to cope with stress."

So I'm starting to see a theme as I study the correlation between anxiety and sugar. Yes, it does have an effect but it seems to lean more towards the symptoms than it does the cause.  We've seen the 50% reduction from following Dr. Perlmutter's recommended diet, the Calm Clinic saying that "anxiety is a mental health issue" and not so much a dietary issue, while they admit sugar can make symptoms worse as does Dr. Sack in his article.

Does anyone say that reducing or removing sugar from your diet can cure you from having those overly intense feelings that are not common in the normal population, the intense feelings you get with social anxiety, when in certain situations, or with OCD? From what research I've done on other people's research - Sadly no. Although it seems to help some people I don't see where diet has cured anyone in the anxiety arena. Can losing weight and feeling healthier help you with your social anxiety? Of course it can, but cure it? Maybe not. Even if you're lucky and diet takes care of 80% of your problems with anxiety, there is a percentage that has to do with our perceptions and facing our difficulties etc.

But let me veer in a direction that I didn't even see this article going...
There is an interview here with Bill Brenner about his addiction to sugar that shows how much a downward spiral unhealthy food can be. It's very easy for me to say that I'm going to change my diet to help with my anxiety, but what is it that has caused my poor eating habits? More often than not, it's my anxiety, or in the case of Brenner, his OCD. Like I mentioned earlier, most of us who are emotional eaters are not binge eating celery while we listen to that song from Inception while crying.

"The OCD is the main problem. It triggers my addictive behavior and the flour and sugar is what I would lunge for." LINK

What changed after you stopped binge eating?
"My head cleared in dramatic ways. I stopped having anxiety attacks. I dropped 65 pounds on the spot and have kept it off for more than two years. It made my OCD much easier to manage."

Once again, we're back to symptoms and managing the mental health issues but doesn't the quote above sound a lot better than not addressing diet at all? So maybe sugar isn't the cause of  anxiety disorders, but it's not helping anyone either. Let's take in the fact that not one study or article (at least none that I could find) said that sugar or junk food of any kind was good for you either physically or mentally. So while Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream taste and feels good at the time, there is always the "you play, you pay" rule in food - whether it's our waistlines, our moods, or our slipping back into addictive eating after splurging for one evening. When we've splurged on junk food to the point of being emotional vulnerable or numb to the world we've lost the battle (at least temporarily).  I think that most of us are going for that numb part and the anxiety comes from the lack of having that refined sugar hit like you would any other drug. So you eat more of it and it helps in the short term.

The plan for myself goes as follows - started the Paleo diet as of yesterday and so far it's been okay. I'm probably overdoing it on the meat right now but I'll reign that in. I'm about to go to the grocery store to stock up on more vegetables and some lean meat, maybe some fruits also. It's got to be better than all of the ice cream I've been eating. I'll let you know how it goes. Hopefully I will see gains physically and mentally, and will be able to describe it well enough to let help someone else, whether it's Paleo, vegetarian, whatever eventually works.

Other Links:
Sugar, Junk Food, and Mental Illness
How blocking sugar intake can reduce cancer risk/progression
Panic Attacks and Anxiety

Public Speaking and OCD

I'm thinking that my aversion to public speaking has something to do with making a big deal out of every little mistake I make and every little thing that people do in my audience (no matter how large or small). I have some meetings today where I'm sharing the lead role as presenter with another co-worker and so far, so good. I think starting small is a good thing. Start with a small group, get comfortable speaking in front of them and go from there. If you must, like I did, you can even start from scratch - be the one who volunteers to read a paragraph out loud etc. Someone who is a perfectionist tends to put their self-worth on how good they are seen by others. If a speaking engagement goes badly then I must be a weak and horrible person who has no place in society? Where did I get that? Maybe it's from holding on to crap that happened in school at those moments when big deals were made out of truly petty situations.

Breathing and attitude has a lot to do with how your presentation will go also. If you are making it into something besides communicating with other humans (in essence, holding a conversation with several people instead on one person) then you can overthink it. You can make it to where you feel as if you mispronounce a word, or have a moment where you can't think of the right word - instead of laughing it off, you turn it into a big deal and start the negative self talk which does you no good. I've been down that dead end road too many times.

I've had some cases where I can see someone leaning in to talk to the person next to them and I assume they are talking about me whether they are or not. Actually, it should make no difference but it still registers. I've even have had a few, that after they hear what this whisperer is saying to them, actual laugh out loud. Loud enough for everyone to hear (like it was just soooo funny). I think I'm going to start calling these people out like they are in the second grade and ask them if they have anything they'd like to share because it is very childish. Usually, these loud mouths aren't so brave when they are put on the spot. It's usually because of their on self-consciousness and feelings of insecurity that they do this kind of stuff. They want to draw this limited amount of attention to themselves (look at me, I'm cool and better), but not so much attention that the tables could turn on them. Maybe everyone else can see right through them anyway and I should just let them make fools of themselves. Maybe it's OCD and wanting everything to go perfect that causes this to be a bigger deal than it should. If you don't care, then maybe they can tell you don't care and it makes them feel even dumber than if you were to call them out on it. You see? That's why it's good to write and keep a journal - so you can work this kind of stuff out.

Being the leader you can control the relaxedness or tenseness of the environment. So if you decide that an open conversation with someone in the audience will calm yourself and show the audience some naturalness then you might start with that. You might bring so food and drinks for them to snack on (and make noise with) to take all of the focus off of yourself. I'm really thankful right now that I'm in a position where things can be taking slowly instead of having my boss tell me that I will be speaking at a convention next week with a thousand people. I know that I've written about this before and that I can be pretty dramatic but today (for some reason) the drama has lessened and I'm seeing more people that are like me, would rather avoid speaking in public if they have to, but are adult about listening to what I have to say without judgement. Maybe I've been around the wrong people for too long? People that see someone is uncomfortable and take advantage of that situation to make themselves feel better are people that I've dealt with before but (like I've said before) the less I care about trying to be perfect or not show any signs of nervousness while public speaking then the less I will have these traits when I've the center of attention. It's similar to that Aurelius quote I've worn out - "reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."


Of note:

This little trick has worked pretty well for me before public speaking...

Rikk Wilde - look him up on YouTube if the link is already taken down. I wouldn't say to watch this for laughs like some jerks do, but to read the comments. You will see that you are not alone in this whole public speaking thing. The poor guy has millions of hits on YouTube but people are really defending him because they know how he feels. There is an empathy there that you don't get with a lot of other subjects. There is a reason this video is out there and I don't think it's because people are enjoying watching someone suffer.

Corporate Assertiveness

It's just strange when you work with (mostly) overly assertive "alpha male" types in your small group and an email with the attachment below is sent out to all 13 of us. I'm with a group of about 13 corporate, middle and top, managers in our general area and I'm probably the most laid-back, humble, and stoic out of the group. I'm not lazy, but sometimes I'm (let's say) unmoved by the things that most corporate types get all excited about. Also, the fact that I don't have to be the center of attention makes me an anomaly in their world. Maybe this is some kind of training that is supposed to "help" me but the training manager thought I'd feel singled out if he just sent it to me? Or...maybe I think the world revolves around me and the email has nothing to do with me? I'm just finding it hard to believe that any of them would mark yes to any of these statements, but I've been wrong many times before.

I'd like to reply back - "Thanks, this was great info! I will make sure to put it on my Palm Pilot." Corporate psychology is at least 20 years behind from what I've experienced. The same guys who were in management in the 80's and 90's are still spreading all of their little tricks and sayings that they learned back then, not realizing that a lot of their data has turned out to be incorrect. I'm not talking about the Zig Ziglar motivational stuff they love; I'm talking about the self-esteem boosting agenda that they think will solve all of their problems when it's probably the cause of most problems in corporate America.

Believe me, I've tested this self-esteem thing out on people who claim to be full of it. You give one of these guys a compliment and their chest pokes out a little; you tell them that someone "higher up" or "important"  bragged on them and you will see them glow. At a past job, when I told another manager what the VP had said about him, he literally teared up. If they are so sure of themselves then why do these little comments make them feel so good?

If I try to stay out of toxic conversations with those who seem to thrive on toxic and narcissistic talk, does it mean that I'm avoiding them out of fear and that I lack assertiveness? No, it means that I would rather avoid the bad vibes, the headache, and the needless drama. Isn't it normal to want to save your energy for something more useful? If they have something to say to me directly then that's when I'll decide how much time and energy to spend on them in order to keep them at bay or to play the game in a way that is beneficial. Other than that, unless their attitudes change for the better, they are simply annoyances in the background - like a fly buzzing around the room.

Self-esteem is still a big deal (what is believed to be a necessary thing) in the corporate world. No matter how much research has been done to prove that self-esteem isn't this grand goal, they just keep pushing it. The corporate world would be a much better environment if they realized the problem is that there is too much self-esteem and not enough self-forgetfulness, but it doesn't make sense in a culture where having more of something is usually a good thing. That is also why it's open season on the guys or gals who don't completely fit this corporate mold. If you've seen American Psycho, you'll remember it got to the point where they got each other's names confused they were so much alike.

Some of the information below can be valid such as, "I apologize when I say no even when it is in response to unreasonable request." That is something that you'd want to avoid, along with most things on this list. You don't want to let people walk all over you but you don't want to overthink it either. Part of the email that came with this attachment said something about hesitating while talking, talking too loud, talking to soft, the tone you use....It's enough to make you self-conscious about every word that comes out of your mouth if you weren't already. If you don't care if people notice your soft tone, shaky voice, or hesitation then those things fade away but focusing so much on this stuff can make it worse.

For example, if I really thought about number 16 below and took it seriously I'd be jumping to introduce myself with my hand out at every turn because I wouldn't want anyone to think I need someone else to introduce me because 'how weak is that?' I have no problem introducing myself to someone, or introducing other people to strangers, or someone introducing themselves to me first...whatever. I really don't think it's worth putting on a list that is labelled "How Assertive Are You?" If we have to make list with this kind of stuff on it, then we're not confident and very petty. So much for high self-esteem.

When Every Comment Feels Like a Slight

Some of what makes a person timid and anxious is being way to sensitive to things that are just the way of the world. I've noticed this about myself on many occasions. I've always been the first to get defensive when I feel like I've been ridiculed or judged unfairly, and I'm quick to defend others that I feel are being picked on, but sometimes I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

I'm in middle management so I see both sides of the coin. I do my best, but I know employees will complain even if I act like Mother Teresa - so what non-management employees say doesn't bother me too much. If I didn't treat them right then they do have a lot of say in my position, but I'll never be the kind of company man that causes a mutiny - just some grumbling every now and again. It's when someone in upper management or who's in a position to effect my job and what they think about the work I do that gets to me more. I sometimes take things out of context or make something said into a slight against me when it's usually just their way of bragging on themselves or joking. A simple, "We never used to do it that way" - (in my head) can turn into "you're doing something wrong," or "you're incompetent."

A lot of it has to do with the tendency for people to use text and email more often than speaking face to face or over the phone. When I read something that be taken either way, I usually see it in a negative light. An email that says - "It's not your responsibility" can be said in a completely reasonable tone over the phone when I can actually hear the person's voice and it would be fine, but when it's typed out I have to guess whether they're upset or just stating a fact etc.

I'm debating whether it's a lack of 'being secure in myself' or that I have so much pride that I don't like it being messed with. I'm leaning more towards pride being the culprit due to the pride disabling my ability to be secure in myself. Without the pride, then I'd accept the fact that people aren't always going to tip toe around me, just like I don't tip toe around everyone in my life. Without the pride, I'd ask more questions and be more humble - not try to act like I know it all when I clearly don't. I'd be more authentic and this authenticity would not take everything as a slight because I'm just another guy in the workforce dealing with stuff that millions of others are dealing with right at this moment.

There is nothing special about my situation or the person's situation that I'm feeling offended by, so why take it so seriously? Without the pride I wouldn't try to portray myself as perfect (with these OCD qualities) and would be able to take some constructive criticism. Without the pride, I'd know when it's best to speak up or let something minor slide (and most of it's minor). Without the pride, I'd know my limits and wouldn't be afraid if someone else knew them. Like I've said before, if people know they can get to you with their comments because they see that you're sensitive to them - (not saying they will but) they can use it against you to get their way. They will tell you something to pump up that pride when they need something, and they can use a slight to prick that pride when they don't want you to do something or to get you to do it their way. If you're humble, then there is no pride to boost up and their is no pride to tear down. They no longer have that control. You can learn from your mistakes easier, and if they have a better way - the have a better way. If they are using you, you can say no without it being a big deal because you aren't concerned about having their approval. Humbleness leads to growth in any endeavor. The trick is to stay humble no matter how high in the ranks you rise. The least will be the greatest, the meek shall inherit the earth, and "because everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted."

"People sometimes say their feelings are hurt. But our feelings can’t be hurt! It is the ego that hurts - my sense of self, my identity. Our feelings are fine! It is my ego that hurts." - Tim Keller 

First World Labels & Fitting In

Is it fair to label anyone that has any type of social anxiety with a disorder? For instance, if you only get nervous when your put on the spot in a meeting, conference call, or public speaking - does this mean that you have a disorder? If almost everyone else has or had these feelings to some extent, doesn't it mean we all have this disorder but just at different times of our lives or at different levels? The world is a very social place, but the West has made what was once a natural thing into something that can make or break you. There are so many books, organizations, and classes telling us that in order to succeed you should talk this way, use this tone, use this body language, have this expression on your face. It can put you so inside your own head that you are no longer able to have a casual conversation without thinking about whether your hand should be on your hip or at your side.

We've come a long way very quickly from families that lived on farms, had no internet, no phones, no televisions, and no business meetings. Their work and financial well-being wasn't dependent on a title or what people thought about them. So, is it really that odd that we have a lot more socially anxious and depressed people around than there used to be or more than less-developed countries have? Are we too quick to label someone who's dealing with anxiety here and there with a disorder just because they are under a lot of pressure? Of course, the way we think about a situation can blow something trivial and petty out of proportion, but this way of thinking didn't come out of the blue - it had to start somewhere. As a society, while things have gotten much better as far as our physical comforts go, we are growing more and more uncomfortable mentally.While we are all trying figure out what's going on in our heads, it's easy to find a label for just about anything. Maybe it's just an outbreak of anxiety that has taken many forms. 

The meme about first world problems is very fitting, but I'm beginning to think that the mental problems we have can be just as painful or even more painful than some of the physical discomforts of a third world nation (or the problems we used to have before modern convenience). I'm not talking about the petty stuff like, "My maid couldn't come this week." I'm talking about the underlying anxiety and depression that creeps up on us daily. Some days, I'll see some workers paving a parking lot in the heat and think - "they're probably more content than I am sitting in my air conditioned office." At times, I would much rather disconnect myself from the politics of the corporate world where I'm tethered to my cell phone and emails, have to discipline adults about some policy I don't even agree with, and deal with people who are more concerned about the bottom line than the well being of people.

If you enjoy your job, you're very lucky. Maybe we don't know what we've got until it's gone? If we move on to something worse, maybe we will think back and miss the old job and it's all in our attitude about the situation. Someone else could take your place and love the job you hate. Is it crazy to want to go backwards? To some people it is. To some, it means you're weak or have a 'fear of success'. But, is it really the fear of success that is messing with us or the fear of the crap that comes along with it. If you are doing what you love or own your own business this can be much more manageable, but the majority of us are working for an entity that is made up of people that could care less what you think, they just want you to walk the company line. 

Patrice O'Neal made a good point in an old interview about how we've become followers who don't think for ourselves. He was talking about how he forgot to pay his electric bill and a company man came by and said that if he didn't have a check he would have to shut it off right then. Patrice asked him if he would still turn it off if he had a family member, hooked up to machines that kept them alive in his house. The guy simply said it was his job. We've gotten to the point where we just do as we are told and have somehow buried that part of us that can make decisions based on common sense and decency. And we wonder how Hitler got so many people to follow him?

This is why CEO's, Presidents, and a lot of higher level leaders tend to be narcissists. They don't care about other people. They don't care about what "they right thing to do" is. They may pretend that they care or do the right thing in order to make themselves look good, but really they're disconnected. So, are we labeling people that have issues which would keep them from being a narcissistic CEO? Are we labeling people that have some melancholy as crazy people that don't fit in? The world is made up of so many different types of people, but we expect everyone to be on the same page at the same time. The idea that we are all supposed to be a walking billboard for a Dale Carnegie course is insanity to me. Do you really want friends and family that have catch phrases and make sure they creepily lock eyes an entire conversation because it's some trick they learned? Or, do you want people in your life that are real?

Sometimes the labels fit. They probably do help people narrow down the issues they're suffering with so that they can get the right kind of help. We just have to be careful that we don't carry the labels around with us as an excuse to not get better. Just because you are depressed or anxious right this minute doesn't mean you're stuck this way for the rest of your life. Only in rare cases does it mean that you have to be on medication for the rest of your life. So, while a label can be helpful, we mustn't forget the first label we were given - human being. That label comes with enough baggage on its own. As a human being we are very complex. You can be labeled an introvert today and an extrovert a year from now. You can be labeled depressed after your mother dies and a happy person two months from now. You can be labeled anxious today by someone and too easy-going tomorrow by someone else. The brain is a strange organ that changes with input. Can you label your computer stupid because it's output is reflecting bad input? No. It's still the same computer that you've gotten a ton of work done using, it just needs the corrupted files removed. 

The Fear of Being Noticeably Nervous

I remember the moment that this fear of being noticeably nervous started. I was in a history class in junior high and we were supposed to bring in these little newspaper articles about some subject that we would read out loud in front of the class. That day I'd forgotten to bring an article and had to get one from a friend who, for some reason, had an extra. I was in a hurry because I didn't want a bad grade for forgetting the article and perhaps because I didn't want to upset the teacher. He asked questions about the article we read afterwards (from what I can remember) so maybe I knew I wouldn't have the correct answers after only reading it once. But I wasn't extremely nervous about about reading out loud in front of the class. I'd done that many, many times without it being a huge issue. After all, everyone gets a little nervous when they're in the spotlight. Anyway, I'd worked myself up and by the time I got up there my hands and voice were shaking. I didn't think anyone noticed, so I kept reading and I knew from experience that this went away after a little while, but the teacher cut me off and said that I could sit down. So he noticed!? This blew my mind. In a way it was a relief to sit down, but in a way it was way worse than if he'd just let me continue until my nerves calmed. Then I wouldn't have thought that anyone noticed that I was nervous at all and the next time it would be back to not being that big of a deal again. Bad luck, or for a reason - that day has affected me in ways I never would have thought possible. It had a snowball effect.

This was the day that I became aware that others could tell more of what I was feeling inside than I thought possible. Sure, I knew that you could tell when someone was sad, but a little nervous? From then on, the anxiety got worse. Not because of the things I once worried about while giving a speech; like knowing the material and making my points relevant to the audience. Now, I was nervous about other people noticing that I was nervous! So those jitters that usually went away would NOT go away because instead of being able to relax as you go, your mind escalates the fear into a somewhat selfish "everyone notices everything I'm doing" state that makes you feel as if you're in a life or death situation (that feeling right after a car accident).

Being that we are social beings who attract others with characteristics like strength and knowing that someone could see my nervousness or hear it in my voice made me feel weak. "If they see I'm weak then I will be rejected, picked on, and lonely," the voice inside of my head says. Even if I could beat them sparring in a karate class, or even if I was smarter than most in the room - at that moment they've got me. They see where I'm weak and my ego from any success I've had is shattered in an instant. I didn't get the reading out loud nervousness (which I've got control of now) until my freshman year in a high school Civics' class when some thug was staring at me the whole time I was reading for some reason. It was like he was waiting for me to mess up or something. He'd already made some comments before that day that had the effect he was looking for. Needless to say, the sheltered, sensitive, only child with the fragile ego finally snapped and from then on I didn't like being the center of attention at all. How we can let the actions of a few make us miserable for years when they haven't even thought about us is just a matter of how we have programmed our minds.

Like the deodorant commercial with the tag line - "Never let them see you sweat". Well, they can't see me sweat but they can hear it in my voice. On a side note - It also turned into this perfectionism, which is not possible and toxic. What a mess. Maybe I need to master the art of 'not giving a crap' again. Instead of never letting anyone see us sweat, maybe not giving a crap if they do would eliminate the stress that causes the sweating in the first place.

If the only signs of nervousness were sweating under your arms, this would be my miracle cure.

The following quote is about blushing, but can be applied to worrying about others noticing a shaky voice, hands, sweating etc. It's about stopping the internal critical script by not caring if people notice...

"The more a person does not care if he/she blushes, the more the symptom will diminish." - Jonathan Berent

Anxious Parents Make Anxious Kids

I don't know exactly where this need for other's approval started, but it's wreaked havoc on my life.  I was thinking that this started while trying to get my parents approval when I was quite young (which might have some truth to it), but lately I'm thinking it had more to do with the example they set. They were very loving parents. Of course, mistakes were made. Corporal punishment was sometimes the first resort, guilt was a big issue etc. But, without playing the blame game too much, I remember some instances where I feel as if bigger deals were made of normal childish mistakes than was necessary. I did stupid things and sometimes purposely (as all kids do), but I believe my parents already had an ingrained sense of 'approval seeking' that I slowly learned from them. Something that wouldn't have been a big deal in my own mind would later be turned into me having acted like an idiot and embarrassing them, which would of course make me think that I must have something wrong with me, causing shame.

Maybe I was a little nuts. I now know from raising girls that I was "all boy" and quite a handful in comparison. But if they had handled some things a little differently would I (to this day) still be seeking the approval of others by making sure I did everything the way it's supposed to be done, talking in a tone that doesn't offend, and making sure my words are carefully chosen. None of us had perfect parents, so maybe it's just me and my ego. I just remember a few things that were a little off. I'm sure they meant well, seeing to it that I fit in with society etc. They were even quick to defend me on many occasions.

My dad was a cop when I was young, so I think that this created a suspicious streak in him about everything that I was doing as a teenager. If I was five minutes late coming home, he would jump in his car and come looking for me - that type of thing. A lot of that was his own anxiety, thinking I was hit by a train or kidnapped. This was before everyone had cell phones, so there was no way of checking up unless you got to a land line. I remember one time, being in my friends truck and I looked at the clock and seeing that I was ten minutes late freaked me out so much that I had him quickly pull into a store where I could use the phone. My buddy was perplexed when I got back in the truck - "They really make that big a deal out of 10 minutes?" Yeah - they did. I guess the right word would be overprotective.

As far as the whole social anxiety and perfectionism issues - I remember in a karate class I took as a kid, the big thing for your birthday was that the class would chase you around a bit and then give you a smack on the butt. Granted, you could hardly feel it, but the kids would still run. All in good fun right? Well, on the way over to the class one evening my Dad said, "Don't run and make a big deal out of it - just roll over." I hadn't even remembered that it was close to my birthday and that this was the class they would probably do this little ritual in, but he was already preparing me to not make a fool out of him. Of course, I ran 2 or 3 steps anyway and when we got home he told my mom I acted like an idiot. I was in a lot of school plays and took a drama class until about the age of 13. I think their critiques of how I was out of character etc. finally made me give up on that also.

I won't bore you with more of these petty stories, but needless to say I think that their need for approval has rubbed off on me. There is this perfectionist quality that I have in "always showing my best side." I know a lot of teenagers go through this faze of timidness and trying to fit in, but I never really grew out of it. It has gotten better depending on the situation, but to this day I'm very careful to not make a "fool" of myself. In other words, I'm a crappy date for my wife at weddings.

Quotes on Pride and Ego

"People sometimes say their feelings are hurt. But our feelings can't be hurt! It is the ego that hurts - my sense of self, my identity. Our feelings are fine! It is my ego that hurts."

- Tim Keller, The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness

"Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next person. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about." 

- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

More Pride than Superman

"To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge."

Benjamin Disraeli

I think that a little bit of the ranting from the last post has to do with what I'm seeing in our culture more and more lately, but also something that is pointless to be upset about. There are some little nuggets of humor and truth there that keeps me from deleting the post, but when I step back and read it impartially there are some obvious errors in this type of 'woe is me' thinking. There is some pride there - to think that if I were in another situation that I would not act like those I condemn is presumptuous.

The reason that it is pointless to become angry about the actions of others is because there is a reason for everything. Everyone, no matter how untouchable they seem, will be knocked off of their pedestal some day. When you are in the moment of being bullied or taken advantage of, it seems pointless and degrading but there is a reason for it, no matter how incomprehensible it seems. Sometimes I can have a sourness and be upset about the journey, but it really isn't healthy. We feel like we deserve better and don't have the patience to grow into who we are meant to be. It's a quick fix, almost decadent way of thinking, that our brains have adapted to in this new culture. We expect what may come easily for others to come easily for us also.

The problem is, there will always be someone more successful, better looking, luckier, and wealthier. Does this mean that they are living a better life? Not necessarily. Sometimes, people who have lives where everything comes easy to them aren't happy people at all. These are the people that will one day face some tragedy in their lives, as we all do, but not have the collected skills to cope. When I see someone who is rich and think about how great their lives must be, I try to keep in mind this quote by Roger Corless - "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."

Maybe, instead of complaining about the mental and physical shortcomings we may have at the moment, we should see them as opportunities. Opportunities to not only grow and prove the naysayers wrong, but also opportunities to learn valuable lessons that can help others. It is my pride that keeps me from growing. When you're full of pride, you don't learn as fast because you think you already know it all, and even if you know that you don't know it all, you certainly don't want someone else to tell you that. Instead of taking what a person is telling us as something that we can find some value in, we take it as a slight against our intelligence or work ethic even if this wasn't their intention.

I know that Man of Steel isn't the most popular of the films in the Superman franchise, but after watching it a few times, I've really gotten into the philosophy, theology and psychology of the film. It's not incredibly deep, but there is a story there that never gets old. It's the hero's journey, the powerless becoming the powerful. Not through their pride and a 'I'm going to show them'  - vengeful attitude, but through a humility that is kept in check and a selflessness that exceeds the norm.

There were some obvious references to Jesus in this film and people still find this intriguing and admirable two-thousand years later. Clark Kent is a fish out of water on this planet, raised by parents who are trying to cope with his uniqueness and trying their best to raise a boy who will someday be the most important man on the earth. Both of their births are unnatural to the planets they are born on. Clark is bullied throughout his childhood, but restrains from violence. He saves people, never to show off his power, but only because he thinks it's the right thing to do. When others notice these flashes of extraordinary abilities in his childhood, they don't know what to think of him. Jesus preaches at a young age and draws a crowd because of his supernatural knowledge.

Clark works blue collar jobs. Jesus was a carpenter. Clark finds a vessel in the snow where he can talk to his real father from Krypton, Jor-El. Jesus would go away to pray to his real Father in Heaven. Clark's father tells him the path that he his to take, which is to save mankind from General Zod who wants to set up a new kingdom on Earth. Jesus is to save mankind from Satan who would like to reign over Earth. While Clark is talking with a priest in a church, you see in the background, on a stained glass window, Jesus kneeling in the Garden of Gethsemane with what looks like a red cap across his back. In the garden, Jesus is struggling with the mission that he knows will separate him for the first time in his life from his father. He knows that he will soon be arrested. Clark is struggling with taking the leap of faith of helping mankind himself. Debating whether or not to turn himself in and let them hand him over to Zod.

Clark lets the soldiers handcuff him. It's symbolic because he could easily break free from them at anytime. Jesus lets them arrest, beat, and crucify him although he could save himself at anytime. Clark's father dies before seeing his son become the man he was meant to be and his mother is the only parent there to see his struggles and redemption. It is believed that Joseph died young also, because Mary is the only parent at the cross and at the empty tomb.

At the time of his arrest Clark says that he is 33 years old. Jesus was arrested and crucified at 33 years old. On Zod's ship Superman is reduced to a normal man, with normal powers. On the cross, Jesus is taking on the sin of the world and feels that his Father has forsaken him. When Superman breaks free from Zod and his father Jor-El tells him that he can save mankind; he leaves the ship in the same position that Jesus is in when he's on the cross saving mankind.

Superman saves soldiers that were trying to kill him earlier, because he knows that they were doing so out of fear, by orders, and out of ignorance. Jesus, while on the cross, ask forgiveness for his persecutors saying "they know not what they do." Jesus reattaches the ear of a soldier that arrested him when Peter was trying to keep them away with a sword.

Superman defeats Zod before he can make the Earth what he wants it to be, and Jesus rises from the dead putting an end to Satan's grip on the Earth. All of the fictional suffering of Superman and the real suffering of Jesus wasn't in vain.  If we think we are better than others, or that we have it all figured out then we are more prideful than Superman, and we're not following the teachings of Jesus. If we are prideful we will not win in the end.

But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. - Luke 22:26

The most humble will be the greatest. The most prideful will be the least. Being humble isn't an excuse to fear man. Being humble does the opposite actually. If you are not full of yourself, then there is no pride for someone to prick or destroy. The humble are seen in high regard by people because of their restraint and strength. Their ability to do what is right no matter what the circumstance is admired. As humans, this comes and goes, but the longer you can remain humble the better. That is why the comments and thoughts of others about us shouldn't emotionally effect us like they do; whether they are good or bad. The good, uplifting comments shouldn't make us proud and boastful because soon their will be someone to take us down a notch. The negative comments and thoughts of others shouldn't emotionally cripple us because they don't make us who we are. They are only passing thoughts in another person's head.

You are not your mistakes. You are not your sins. The opinions of others shouldn't be able to dictate our emotional well being and the actions we take. If Jesus or Superman lost faith in humanity because of the cruelty that it showed towards them, they wouldn't have selflessly saved it - they would have vengeance on it. Doing what is right and doing what we feel are two different things.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. One's pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor. Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. - Book of Proverbs

"It takes pride to be anxious - I am not wise enough to know how my life should go."- Tim Keller

Hey Brain.....F U

I often see people on TV or in front of a large group who aren't attractive, well read, well spoken, have no sense of style and wonder..."Why do they have no problem doing what so many people in this world are so afraid of?" You can see them on ESPN mispronouncing words (and not by accident - they really think the way they pronounce the word is correct) like terrible as turrble. How do these people get these jobs where they have millions of people hanging on their every word? 

I'm not saying that you have to be attractive, well read, well spoken, or have this great sense of style to be a good public speaker or to be an announcer on TV. I have nothing against people making a good living. What I'm saying is that there are some very attractive, well read, well spoken, stylish people out there that get up in front of 10 people and their voice shakes, they turn red - they are literally hating every moment of the experience while others without these qualities have never once in their lives had trouble speaking in front of a group (no matter how many are in the audience). So what's going on in the brain that can make some people confident in any social situation (that really have no advantage or reason to be) while it tears down people that could have the world by the freaking tail if they could only get over this one thing?

Look at college professors. A lot of these bloated, ugly, so-called liberal men are mocking beautiful women in their class who don't like to give presentations - like it's something they can get over in 5 minutes with their help. "Gee, thanks Prof, I haven't been dealing with this for years! I have never heard anyone say how ridiculous it is to feel the way I do or that maybe I feel this way because I'm self-absorbed - but guess what? The tough love crap hasn't worked yet!"

The mocking we see in a stupid teen movie isn't how it works in the real world. The real world is more nuanced and mental. It's not always the good looking kids bullying the nerdy looking kids. When it comes to social anxiety, it's a free-for-all on the socially anxious people. In a real high school or college you can have a guy that looks like the fat comic book nerd on the Simpsons ridicule a guy that looks like a model because he's too quiet. And of course, the quiet kids don't stick up for themselves, they actually let these freaks get to them, which empowers the mean to stay mean.

It's definitely a mental thing because social anxiety doesn't care about the physicality of the person that it's effecting. Maybe the best looking people are more likely to suffer with social anxiety? Well, if that's the case I don't see it, because there are also the Brad Pitts and Jessica Albas of the world that don't deal with it.

Is it upbringing, the thought process, the ego being either too big or too small, making too big of a deal out of mistakes made in the past, the freaking devil? You search the web enough and you'll find a thousand "experts" that have the cure - most of whom never suffered with SAD. There is an answer and we will figure it out (because it has been overcome before), and when we do, we will be more aware of the suffering of others, kinder, less self-involved, and more successful. Beware egomaniacs, maybe there is a reason for this after all. Maybe the suffering isn't all in vain.

The Bravery of Ricky Williams

Hard to believe #34 suffered with Social Anxiety Disorder

I remember being in the waiting room at a psychiatrist office in the nineties thinking that I was one of the only people in the world going through Social Anxiety Disorder. At the time, I was hopeful that there was some magic pill I would be prescribed that would just fix it all at once. There were a lot of magazines spread out on the coffee tables and end tables, so this magazine wasn't strategically placed or anything. It was just one Sports Illustrated among the many. I flipped to the article about Williams because I knew he'd just started with the New Orleans Saints and he'd had a lot of success with Texas A&M. At the time he was this 'force to be reckoned with' as a running back.

To my surprise, the article went into something I didn't expect it to at all. The article actually talked about his battle with SAD. From what I remember it was Q&A. I remember the sense of relief that came over me while reading this. I knew that there were people out there with social anxiety, but I don't think anyone this famous, this much in the public eye, had really addressed it up until then. The only other person at the time I'd even heard about that suffered with it was Kim Basinger, but it wasn't talked about much, so I considered it a rumor.

There are these little things that happen in our lives daily that we chalk up to coincidence, but to this day I still think that reading that article wasn't just a coincidence, but more of a blessing. I still draw a little courage from it. If this muscled up NFL pro had the guts to admit that he suffers from SAD, who am I to try to hide it or not find any way possible to help someone else in my small circle of influence. I'm thankful to this day that Williams was brave enough to shed light on the subject of SAD because one of the big hurdles of SAD has to do with the fear of others noticing your fear, which just causes more fear and anxiety.

For someone that doesn't deal with SAD I guess a good example would be - Let's say your struggling with an addiction to porn. You haven't heard much about anyone else that struggles with it. It's there, but not on your radar. Your buddies might joke around with you about it because they watch it from time to time, but you know it's something that's gone that extra step to 'out of control' with you personally. You decide to seek some help with it and while you are at your therapist office in the waiting room, you pick up a magazine and John Mayer is talking about his addiction to porn. It eases your mind a little, enables you to open up to your therapist a little more about the subject. It doesn't cure anything to know someone is going through the same thing as you, but it definitely helps. Especially, when the person that's talking about it in a magazine read by millions has other qualities you find admirable.

"A lot of people who experience it were shy as a child. I can remember being in high school and one day specifically that I was in class and I raised my hand to answer a question and I gave an answer and then I immediately thought, “That’s a really stupid answer, I’m never going to ever raise my hand again,” and I didn’t ever raise my hand again in class."

"When I got on medication and started going through therapy I had a renewed sense of what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a football player again, I wanted to be a good football player again. So I started therapy and I got on Paxil and a week or two later I was back in New Orleans dedicated to become the best football player that I could be. That is when I came out and told people that yeah, there’s something wrong. And I tell you, today and every day since then I get stronger, I get more confident, I get better. And, I’m up here in New York talking to a lot of people letting them know my story because if I’m who I am and I can do it, then anyone can do it. If your social anxiety is holding you back, talk to someone. It can get better. You can be happy." link

Williams states that he only took Paxil for 14 or 15 months. He reports that he no longer suffers from social anxiety as you can see in the video below.

"Well, I am now convinced there is no kind of fear or anxiety anyone has to live with. Talk to someone, see if they can help you." - Ricky Williams

Give Me Strength and Wisdom

Give me strength Lord. Not in pithy quotes or inspiring photos, but through you. Give me rest from my anxiety, freedom from my fears, and virtue in my heart. Protect me from those who would want me harmed. Even though I can't hear you audibly, let me know you are there through your design. We run this race to the finish, men and women - all about the earth. We make big plans but only you know the outcome. Finish my pride, finish my worry about what other people think, and whether or not my job or body will last for it is all gone in the end anyway.  Expel these worries from my mind and give me a new perspective on this life - one that doesn't include the insanity of harmful emotional shackles. Who am I to fear mere man? Man can take away my livelihood or even my life, but you are the one who controls all. Instead of pleading with man, teach me to plead to you for you can change their minds without them even knowing. The sun could go out at your command yet I fear men who have delusions of grandeur. When you walked upon this earth and the trials were numerous, many men wanted you dead and finally had their way - yet you never had fear of them. You even asked your father to forgive them for their ignorance. You walked this earth without a home yet I cannot go without cable. Show me what it is that I am not wise about so that I can become more sensible.

Give me the strength to continue on this journey since (even though sometimes I wish it were over) I am still on it. There must be a reason for all that has happened and all that will happen whether it is good or bad, it is all perfect if it is your will. Surely, if I would come to you more often I wouldn't be in the predicament I find myself in, and I could have also avoided many past heartaches. Protect me from my developed sensitivities to that which does not harm the body but only the mind so that when I am rejected by the people I'm not broken but stronger because I know that I was following you and not a misinterpretation of my human mind. I'm no longer a boy but not yet a man. The world is but a battlefield to me even though there is very little in this life to be afraid of (if anything) outside of you. Command the evil away and let the good in. Let there be peace in this life, for I have seen trouble that feels aimed at me, yet I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. Let there be nothing on this earth that causes me anxiety even if it can physically cause me harm.

Let there be no man that I overly respect or (even without my respect) fear. Show me what your will is so that I can follow it and be without regret, knowing I followed the right path and even though the path was set with traps, they were but detours that completed your will. What I want no longer matters. I no longer desire to keep track of what others have and covet their blessings. I no longer want to please those of this world that I put above me (which is most). I wish to please you. Show me how this is done. How is it possible when I sin the same sins over and over? Thank you that you sent your son, for without him, this world would not be the place that it is at this time, but one of continuous strife. If possible, the people would be even more selfish and irresponsible than we already are. Free me from the mental prison that I've made by my own design. A design so intricate that I, myself, cannot even remember how it was created or how to escape from it. Break these chains that keep me from following your will no matter how tight they may feel, let them fall away like water - no longer keeping me from the tasks at hand. I will continue knocking at the door until it is answered for you are a far better father than any human can be. Forgive me for my doubt and set me back on my feet once more.

Someone Always Has It Worse

When we are feeling down about life and we're dealing with anxiety about a job, our family, or some other problem; sometimes we have to put things into perspective. Not only does nothing last (and I mean nothing - not even your body), but there is always someone out there that is suffering more. We are so inside our own heads that it can be difficult to see this. There are people out there that do have this perspective, but very few of us (myself included). We don't have this outlook until we are reminded. When we are reminded, a lot of times we push it right back out of our minds because we don't want to think of how unfair the world is. We go about our day thinking about our own (usually petty) problems and being self consumed. Almost all of us are so inside our heads that we see this world through this false perspective.

Two abbreviated examples from my own life (which will make me seem like a jerk) have been on my mind as of late. A friend of mine that I grew up with became paralyzed from the waist down when we were in college. He dove into a river to catch a football and in one instant his life was changed forever. There was a stump just underneath the murky water that snapped a vertebrae. He was very athletic and was going to school to become a coach. We were all at the hospital the night it happened. He was in good spirits when I visited him and I remember having the guts to hold his hand. He started throwing up uncontrollably and we were asked to leave the room. Myself, and other friends and family, stayed in the waiting room for a few hours and then went home. I'm sad to say that we haven't kept in touch much since. I see him every now and then. It seems that he is usually around a set of friends that are also in wheelchairs. I'm sure it's helpful for them to be together but I also know that it's because of people like me.

Probably, not many of them hang around their old friends as much either. People move on, not just because of the awkwardness and sadness, but because it's the way of the world. We should be closer to someone when they need people more - shouldn't that be the case? Why do we grow farther apart from people that need people the most? And who am I to say he's sad all the time because he's in a wheelchair? In my absence he might be happier than I am? So, why the avoidance? This is where the church has it right. They take care of other members (they might no even get along with) any time they see there is a need. You don't see this too much in secular society. It's there, but statistically, it's not as prevalent on a personal level.

I've made plans with him on two or three occasions for lunch that fell through because of my job or some other lame excuse. He is a much better man than I will ever be. I broke my leg a few years ago and was a nightmare to live with. Not a day goes by when I get on my treadmill at home and don't think about him and how he would love to be doing something that I dread. It also makes me think of how quickly things can change. This could be the last time that I'm able to walk on a treadmill or at all. Who knows when that simple accident can break just the right bone to end to my mobility?

The second example happened just the other day and it made me realize how ridiculous I can be about this socially anxious crap that I put myself through. A younger guy called my office (probably early twenties) looking for a job. I get these kind of calls pretty regularly, usually asking if they should apply online or come in to fill out an application. This guy broke my heart. He had a stutter and speech impediment which made him very hard to understand. I had a friend when I was younger that stuttered but if you waited long enough you could clearly hear what he wanted to get out. This was worse. When this potential applicant would finally get the words out some were still slurred a bit so I would have to ask him to repeat himself. I found myself (at first) finishing sentences for him out of pity, but then came to my senses and put myself in his position. Would I want someone to finish my sentences? Probably not. When I'm calling for a job I would want to seem capable in every way that I could. It's one thing when your wife finishes your sentences, but it is another when your potential boss does.

This made me realize that all of the anxious thoughts that go through my head before business calls, meetings, and sales calls that I make throughout the week must seem like child's play to this guy. How much gumption did he have to muster before making that call to my office while I'm sitting here saying 'woe is me'? He would probably love to be in my situation instead. Or, maybe I'm selling the poor guy short. Maybe he isn't as socially anxious as I am. Maybe he's the life of the party and I'm just assuming that he's going through hell when he has to do stuff like that because of my own distorted perception and mental prison I've put myself in.

I've just got to remind myself of what other people go through and stop acting like the world revolves around me. My bosses son or daughter might be in the hospital when he calls me and complains about something I did or didn't do. That waitress who seems moody might have just left a table full of rude people and why add to it by being upset with her? Not saying there aren't just some plain jerks in the world that deserve a firm 'no' or a telling off. Those of us who are socially anxious tend to be overly sensitive and nice to people that don't deserve it but it's always better to take a moment and think about what else could possibly be going on inside that persons head or in their life that is causing them to act abnormal or unfriendly.

If you do get that rude waitress or your boss is upset with you, remind yourself how petty this is compared to what some people are going through. Just the fact that you can read this blog post makes you richer than three-fourths of the world's population.When you are upset because the Netflix app isn't working on your iPad or you need to do your 30 minutes on the treadmill after you've been at work all day because of a New Year's resolution, it's always good to remember that there is someone out there that would kill to be in your position. If by chance, and it can happen to any of us, we lose everything (including the function of body parts or a loved one dies) we must remember no matter how much it hurts and how hard it is to deal with, there is still another person out there going through worse.

This is very hard to get a grasp on in our day and age when all we see in the media are people who have it "better" than us. There are tons of reality shows that revolve around rich people and the houses they have, the cars they drive, their toned bodies, and the relationships they have. We think their lives are so great but we forget we are living a pretty good life too. The tough times that you've gone through that they haven't even make you better in some ways. Do you really want to be like them anyway?  You never hear them talking about those that are less fortunate and from what I can tell none of them are very well read. In fact, to make their show more interesting and add "drama", they are usually complaining about something ridiculous.

My daughters were watching Keeping up with the Kardashians the other evening and one of the sisters (don't know which is which) was complaining because she had gone to a boring party where she just stood around (and then drove home in her top-of-the-line Range Rover). What hell this poor girl has to go through huh? I'm sure some distressed mother in a children's hospital flipping through channels while her child with cancer in the hospital bed next to her is sleeping, IV tubes sticking out of her, was really saddened by what Khloe (or whoever) had to go through.

So instead of thinking about the things in life that we don't have; we need to focus on the good things while they last because nothing last, not even for the rich people on reality TV. Be thankful because it can always be worse. No one knows how good they have it until they contemplate what suffering some in this life must go through. This isn't to say that we should stay in a state of depression about all the bleakness in the world like a Goth in an eighties movie, but to be in a state of thankfulness.

One of the happiest guys I know does relief work. You'd think it would be depressing stuff, but it causes him to appreciate what he does have and also help those in need. He said it was the best job he's ever had. Just giving an ear to someone in need for them to tell their story is (in a sense) relief work. There is something each of us can do any day of the week to help others. Just be a good person and you will see the impact you'll have on others. Be thankful, be gracious, don't be self-consumed, and remember those less fortunate. This is something that will help all of us (in some way) who suffer from depression or anxiety.

Notes on the Fear of Public Speaking

You can accept it, and understand that it’s only going to get better if you face up to it. Ultimately, the only cure for insecurity is experience. You’re either going to face up to it and get better at it, or run from it your whole life. Imagine if you were comfortable speaking in public and took every opportunity presented. How would your life improve?

"Failure is having a goal and allowing the fear to prevent the first step."

"There are two types of speakers - those who get nervous and those who are liars." - Jonathan Berent

We dread confronting the possibility of rejection. We pressure ourselves to be perfect or else our self-worth suffers.

1. Don’t expect perfection from yourself
2. Avoid equating public speaking to your self worth
3. Avoid being nervous about your nervousness
4. Avoid trying to memorize every word
5. Avoid reading word for word

Nervousness is our adrenaline flowing, that’s all. It’s a form of energy. Successful speakers know how make this energy work for them and turn nervousness into enthusiasm, engagement, and charisma.

There are invisible scripts - deeply held notions that effect the way we make decisions on a daily basis. Problem is, these scripts are often outdated and misguided.

Some of the notes taken from watching this video....

3 More Videos to Watch/Listen To

Work, Business, and Social Anxiety

First off, I'd like to clarify something here before we go too far down this rabbit hole of 'there's no hope and people with social anxiety are doomed to a lifetime of misery.' This is simply not the case. Social Anxiety is a mental illness, but not one that is in the same category as Autism or Schizophrenia where you will have to be on medication the rest of your life. Who knows? I'm not an expert on the brain so maybe there is a cure to be found for all mental illness whether it be some therapeutic breakthrough or a magic pill. What I'm saying about SA is - just because you have it now doesn't mean you will have it a year from now. It doesn't mean you will be locked up in your apartment waiting on someone to deliver your food while you progress to agoraphobia.

I know this sounds like such a sunshine and rainbows thing to say to people who are hurting, but answers are out there and it's just a matter of us having the guts to take the actions necessary (along with the right frame of mind) in order to take the necessary steps until we are completely free. I do believe that we can be completely free from this fear of man - whether it's on the phone with someone (like our boss) who we feel intimated by, one on one with strangers, in public around people or situations we're not comfortable with like the classroom. Whether that means you're in sales and you must go to businesses simply to give them your card and a few words, or if you're single and want to approach someone that you find attractive, all the way to giving a speech in front of 25, 50, 100, or 1000 people - there is a remedy.

"Some people might find it interesting that I used to be afraid to speak in public." - Chuck Norris

This is one of the great things about SA. All of the above fears that currently cripple us can become very easy and even exciting for us over time. For those of you, like myself, that suffer from SA - can you imagine a day when you're asked to give a presentation about something you're passionate about and actually looking forward to it? It's certainly possible.

Fear of Man

In business, we need to stop looking at the obstacles we face as sufferers of anxiety as these horrible setbacks or situations to avoid, but rather as opportunities (God given opportunities) to grow. God doesn't want you to be afraid of people.

"When we say, 'Who do you think you are barging in here like that?' we mean, 'You are presumptuous and arrogant to barge in here'. So when God says, 'Who are you that you fear mere men,' he means, 'You are presumptuous and arrogant to be afraid of men'." - John Piper

He wants you to grow our of this fear of man. You weren't born with a fear of man. There were circumstances in your life that caused this to develop. When you were four you'd dance around in front of 10 family members in a cowboy hat wearing just your underwear; so we can't say it's just something we were born with. There are many different things that could account for this SA to develop as we get older. It could be that you had parents that suffered from social anxiety, OCD, or generalized anxiety which caused you to think that the world was judging your every move. It could be the case that it was self-inflicted by your own wrong thinking or through some past drug use. There are a myriad of ways that we could have let this SA seep into our brains. It seems to be a growing mental illness in the west. As a whole, some of the reason for this might have to do with the culture we have created where we think we should look and act like people in magazine ads and television. Where the celebrity has become god, making people more than they really are, which in turn causes an awe of human beings that are just like us but don't seem to be when their heads are 30 feet high on a movie screen.

Religiosity itself and the way that some in a church setting put on mask, afraid to show their true flawed selves, can also make us socially anxious and feel less worthy if we let it. If people removed their mask, if you could see them in their day to day life you'd certainly be reminded there was only one perfect person and none of these people even come close. They have to rely on grace just like the rest of us. Lame excuse, but this is one of the reasons I haven't been to church in years.

Being picked on in school might also carry on into adulthood causing social anxiety especially if you were already socially anxious in high school and some of the taunts were a result of this. Letting the opinions and actions of high-schoolers who ridiculed others because they didn't even like themselves dictate the rest of our lives is very dumb when you think about it.


Be Like Your Barber

Life should be an easy conversation between individuals, no matter our background or what business we are in. Will there be debates and arguments? Of course, but conflict resolution is something I will have to get into later. But I do believe that if businessman acted more like their barbers when talking with clients there would be a lot more trust, success, and a lot less conflict. With an easy going attitude of question and answer and simply getting to know people, the barber is much better at networking than we in the business world are with our planned monologues; making sure we hit all the right key phrases when we are pushing (someone else's) product.

Believe it or not, this is an advantage that the more introverted people in business have over the more extroverted. We like feedback, we enjoy the back and forth of conversation with others. We're not in love with our own voices nor are we only out for what we can gain from relationships. While talking casually, we can usually still get around to all the points we need to make, but it for some reason we don't, we still have an advantage because that client is more likely to remember the honest, down to earth sales person. He or she is more likely to remember the one who seemed to care over the sales person who was fake and selfish.

Introverts and Extroverts

There are introverted people who aren't suffering with social anxiety and when we're finally free from this social anxiety we probably will still be somewhat introverted, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Introverted simply means that you don't have to be the life of the party. Introverts are more contemplative, thinkers that probably do a lot of reading (extroverts are very people oriented which makes them less likely to read because this is a solitary act). Introverts can also get more of a read on people because they are better listeners.

"And some of them, for whatever reason, are natural performers. From childhood, they have wanted nothing more than to display their talents to a crowd. Many of these people are narcissists, of course, and hollowed out in unenviable ways. Where your self-consciousness has become a dying star, theirs has become a wormhole to a parallel universe. They don’t suffer much there, perhaps, but they don’t quite make contact here either. And many natural performers are comfortable only within a certain frame. It is always interesting, for instance, to see a famous actor wracked by fear while accepting an Academy Award. Simply being oneself before an audience can be terrifying even for those who perform for a living." - Sam Harris

Could we live in a world entirely made up of extroverts? Probably not. Let's get real here...some of the loudest and most boastful people we know are also the most insecure. So when we do break free from this shyness we want to do so with the correct attitudes and teachings which make us comfortable in our own skin no matter what the situation, with nothing to prove. Not someone who is out to show the world we're different now, because we are then seeking the praise of others. Seeking praise and being afraid of what people think us go hand in hand.

If we don't get the praise we think we deserve from others, then what? Well, there's a good possibility we may become socially anxious once again because we have gone back to the old trap of making gods out of people. People who take craps daily and pick their nose while sitting in traffic. No matter how educated they may be or what their temporary job titles (and they are all temporary - someone else will inherit every title when one retires, dies or the company they work for goes under) - why do we think of these individuals as someone who is to be feared? It's all a mind game.

People Who Reject and Personal Walls to be Traversed

Here's a quick anecdote from my own life that I can share that goes back to the subject of conquering SA step by step. Like I alluded to earlier, there are these little walls that we must break through each day. We put other people on pedestals because we are worried about what they will think of us. Yes, we live in a social society but we mustn't be afraid to be ousted or alone.

The more we worry they will reject us, the more likely it is 'they' will. Who is this 'they' though? Most likely someone who wouldn't be good for you to be around anyway. People that have a problem with some because they are shy are usually jerks that don't have the time to get to know someone that isn't putting out all of the effort. That means they don't want to really know you, they want to know another person who wears a mask of 'greatness' who they can use to help them along. The reason I say, a mask of greatness is because no matter how high up someone is in the corporate ladder they could lose their job tomorrow and when they do, the jerks they were trying to impress will all desert them and move on. Like I said, you don't need people like this anyway.

In my new job, I am a manager over a lot of different people and locations (surprise, surprise huh?) How does someone with social anxiety have a leadership title? Well, there is a lot to this, but simply put, people with anxiety tend to be very hard workers and sometimes that's due to bad habits like trying to impress their bosses and others within a company. We must learn to be hard workers without the anxiety of constantly putting on a good show though, because SA and generalized anxiety is certainly not a means to achieve success. You can climb up the ladder only so high with your hard work but with too much anxiety it then becomes a detriment.

In my new position I'm generally good when dealing with the day to day aspects of dealing with employees in person or over the phone and I haven't had to do any public speaking yet but I'm sure that's coming. I'm ok in meetings with 5 or 6 people but that's just because of doing it over and over. A few years ago a meeting 5 or 6 people would've kept me up all night.

As of right now, the issue I'm dealing with is sales. We are trying to get more contracts in our area and like I said, I'm ok with talking to people I somewhat know and in environments that I'm familiar with but as far as walking into a large office building and introducing myself to someone (who most likely already has a lot on their plate) to talk about our business and how we're new in the area etc. has brought out the avoidance behaviors in me I haven't felt in a while. I've never been a big fan of sales people myself so there was also some self loathing going on.

But, it's something that you can get better at with practice just like anything else. Let me just tell you about one 24 hour span. Yesterday, I went to a possible clients building I'd been putting off for weeks. I had no phone number to talk with them ahead of time, wasn't exactly sure where in the building the site manager's office was and whether or not I would even be allowed in without an appointment. I talked to the security guard up front and what a blessing, the guard was someone I'd met before and remembered me so he told me exactly how to get to the site managers office without any fuss. I then proceed to the elevators and up, my heart beating too fast. I see a woman in the office who lets me know the manager himself isn't in but she can help me. I told her my name and what I was there for and noticed that my breathing had become a little shallow and there was a shakiness to my voice which I hate because if you are afraid of what people think of you already, then you don't to come across as this weird nervous guy which HA! makes your voice shake even more. What a mind game. Somewhere in there I try a little honesty for a change and say, "I guess you can tell I'm not really a salesperson." She smiles and it lightens the mood a bit. I'm aware of how it feels to see the nervousness in others. When I give job interviews and they are nervous it also makes me feel a little nervous for them, but this is probably because I completely understand where they are in their mind at the moment so I'm more sympathetic.

Whether she notices the nervousness or not, she acts like she doesn't notice the cues and we talk for just a little while longer. I then give her my card and leave. Now, what I used to do in situations like this was to go back to my car and start beating myself up and making things worse. Sometimes fretting about it for days. But this time, I remind myself things like "she's probably already forgotten you came by and at least you've ended the avoidance and can make progress." This is making my mind more apt not to avoid any situation like this again and knowing that avoidance is one of the major reasons I'm in this predicament in the first place I keep positive, telling myself this was just one step on a new journey. This was yesterday afternoon.

This morning I got up and told myself that I would go to another site and try again. "I will do this until I get comfortable with it no matter how much it scares and angers me at this point," I think to myself. So, I go straight to another building and ask someone downstairs where the site manager's office is with much more confidence and even a smile. He doesn't know but someone else overhears and tells me right where it is. This time I'm in the elevator feeling a lot less nervous by not letting my imagination run away with me with thoughts some jerk will tell me to get the hell out of his office. As soon as I get off the elevator her desk is right there. I walk up smiling and say what I have to say, give her my card and my voice didn't shake this time. I wasn't completely comfortable, but it was a lot better. This small change happened in a 24 hour span.

Just think of what we can do with years of practice by putting ourselves out there and learning to cope with any possible bad outcome. And, let's face it, the consequences are never as dire as we think they are. So what if someone laughs at us right in our face?  It's happened before and it will probably happen again, but guess what? You are still alive and there are still people out there that care about you. Hell, it even happened to Superman in the latest movie. He was picked on for half of the film (from childhood to adulthood) but look how that turned out.

I think this must be why CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) works so well for people. It ends the avoidance pattern and lets you know that you can get better at dealing with whatever it is that you're afraid of. It turns that nervousness from a negative dreadful feeling to the twinge of nervousness or excitement one might get by parachuting from a plane, enjoying the ride, and being so thankful and energized when they land that they want to do it all over again.

Is the lady from the first experience talking to everyone in her office today about the nervous guy that came by yesterday? Probably not, but if she is, I really don't care at this point. We are all human, we all have our quirks. If that is important to her then she has issues of her own. We have to start caring about ourselves and how WE are going to get over all this self-doubt and fear. We have to stop letting others dictate how happy or unhappy we are going to be. When we can truly stop caring what's in the minds of others when it comes to their negativity we can be free from this fear of people and really live.

Recommended articles -
The Silent Crowd by Sam Harris
The Pride of Being Afraid by John Piper