Dealing with Gossip

Let a person think what they will about you and (whenever possible) use whatever it is to your advantage. If what they think and say about you is true or false makes no difference. Take control in this game of pettiness. Like a game of chess you can take command of the board with one subtle move. You are in control of only one thing in this world and that is your thoughts (everything else follows). You might think you control other people and things but truly, thinking is the only strength you have. Instead of seeing this as a disadvantage we must see the opportunity in it. It's not lying that I recommend but to see things in a new perspective. If you are wrong, you are wrong and that is something that must be corrected, but if you are being used by others so they can feel better about themselves this can also be corrected.

There will always be gossip in this world. It can be damaging to careers, families and income. The gossip can be true or false but the saying - 'Don't throw stones from glass houses,' almost always applies. There is usually dirt on both the giver and the receiver of gossip. No one is perfect, we are all guilty of something (if not guilty of the exact thing they are gossiping about). There is surely something each of us has done or we are currently doing that we wouldn't want anyone else to know about. In fact, the gossiping itself, should be something these people are ashamed of. It's one of the worst things one human can do to another.

This is very prevalent in business where it's 'dog eat dog' and there is always this sense of one-upmanship to impress some boss or client. Instead of showing what we can do and the advantages of doing business with us, we sometimes put down the "competition" and think by making them look bad that it will make us look better. This rarely is the case, but we still try this tactic all too often. It not only changes the perception that someone has of you and your character but also can snowball into a game of back and forth that can go on for way too long. Of course gossip is gossip because it's not saying the thing you don't like about someone to their face but behind their backs, If someone enters your office and starts to talk quietly  - beware. Even if what they are saying about someone else is true, the fact that they don't want to be involved with the aftermath means that somehow you, yourself, will be caught up in it eventually.

So, let's say the petty game has already started and some competitor has already told your current client that you haven't made them a priority and that they would be a much better fit. First of all, where did they get this information? Usually from nowhere and no one. They are simply pulling this from their bag of tricks. It doesn't matter who you are. If it were anyone else they would be saying the same lines and perhaps worse. Of course, the client can pull out of a contract they have with you at anytime, but if you've done your job well they will remember this and question the sales tactic of the person they are speaking to. If you have slacked off, they will be more likely to fall for the salesmen and this now out of your hands, You simply must step up your game and try to save the account. Don't resort to their tactics and be virtuous. This will go a long way and you will already have the upper hand.

If you have been a hard worker and have gone out of your way for this client then you can play to the misconceptions of the competing sales team while keeping your sanity and not falling into a petty trap. Let the client say how hard of a worker you are and how you've never steered them wrong. They will soon see the error of their tactics. If you do encounter a competitor, a little bit of sarcasm might be involved. A silly reply to someone that is after you hurts their pride because they see you aren't nearly as petty, worried, and stressed as they are. They will see that you don't have to use the ridiculous tactics that they feel they must use to get ahead. It shows that you are confident enough to let the chips fall where they may, which means that you must think it will go your way. It's a mental game of cat and mouse where sometimes, by magic, the cat becomes the mouse and the mouse, a cat. No matter how tough people act on the exterior it's easy to get under their skin. Don't use their tactics of putting someone else down to make yourself look better. Keep your conscious clear and play the game with 'do what is right' in mind.

A lot of times we don't even know about the gossip until someone tells us. They may think they are helping us by telling us what's going on and in some cases, if it effects your job or family, this makes sense - but if it's something petty I would rather 'Bob' keep it to himself. We have enough crap in our lives to worry about without the guy in the cubicle next to us needlessly adding to it. If Bob wants to tell you every time someone says something about the shirt you're wearing, let Bob know you don't give a crap by saying something like - 'Yeah Bob, are you the only person in the office that doesn't know how bad I dress? I do this on purpose.' That will probably be the last time Bob waste your time with that sort of pettiness.

Simple gossip can turn into slander and bullying in some environments. This can be very harmful to females. To say that a successful woman slept her way to the top or for teenage girls to gang up and label a girl they don't like (usually a girl they are threatened by) a slut on Facebook can really hurt that person's life in so, so many ways. Not only can it hurt their reputations, but in some cases it can send someone into a depression so bad that it makes them not want to get out of bed in the morning. What horrible people there are in this world to wish this upon another human being, especially one that never personally harmed you in any way. Sad thing is, we have probably all been a part of this process in some way - especially when we were younger.

This is when we must tap into our inner selves and God. You know the truth and that is what matters. I know that this is much easier said than done, but even if you did sleep with a "boss" or you are a teenage girl who has made mistakes and slept around looking for affection you must remember you are not your mistakes - you are not your sins. You can always learn from your mistakes and that is between you and God. Who you are and who you become doesn't rely on the opinions of others unless you let it. What you've done is a lot different than Who you are. It's a very strange thing to care about what people think about us when they don't even like themselves but we do it everyday.

“I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.” - Marcus Aurelius

Understand that the people who are engaged in gossip about you are very insecure and undisciplined. We are all guilty of gossip at one time or another. Think about the place you were in when you gossiped and what was really going on in your head. Wasn't most of the reason you were gossiping to make yourself feel better? It's very selfish indeed. A lot of times it's jealously that breed's gossip. If someone sees that you are doing well in the same business they are in, instead of looking in and seeing that they might not be working as hard, it's easier to throw around the 'sleeping her way to the top' gossip, especially if the the female she is gossiping about is more physically attractive, which goes back to jealously. Needless to say, all gossipers (ourselves included) have issues.

Success is its own reward. If you are the person being gossiped about, continue to work on yourself and try to get a few supportive friends who you trust and talk the issue out with them. Don't let the gossipers halt any progress you've made or plan to make in your life. Don't let them make you hate yourself. Misery loves company and this would be a win for them.

In a school environment, this has become a priority so you can go up the chain until parents are called, staff is on the lookout etc. This will usually cut off the blatant attacks but the subtle ones might still remain. You can either let them stew in their own self-hatred while you work on yourself and let them see you grow and succeed or, if you think that they will continue and not move on, you can confront them in a calm manner telling them that you see the weakness in what they are doing. If they are crazy enough for you to feel physically threatened then in it's not worth that, and the authorities need to know. In this case, if there is some harmful escalation, there will already be a record of your report at school or with some other authority that they cannot ignore. Don't be afraid to take measures to protect yourself from harm. Just keep reporting until the right person takes control of the situation. Better to be know as a snitch than physically harmed. Believe me, high school is but a blip in your life that very few really enjoyed. Most of what you'll enjoy about high school is the friends and the things that happened while you weren't actually on campus.

If someone has wronged you and you need to talk this out with someone you trust, this is not gossip. This is part of being in community with other humans. Our problems are pretty universal so we shouldn't be afraid of talking. This isn't the kind of gossip that needlessly hurts other people, it's normal, rational talk that moves things forward. You are not gossiping about gossipers when you talk to your parents about them. This is not the same thing.

For those of us that are adults and it's workplace drama we are dealing with, refer back to 'Success is its own reward.' Don't give them any traction. Let your life move on and if the gossip doesn't stop and effects your work then you must either confront the gossiper or talk to someone within the company that deals with this kind of harassment. Human resources is usually a good place to start. You aren't whining. You're calmly saying that this has gone on too long and that the company must take responsibility at some point and put an end to the foolishness. They know that if they don't it doesn't look good on them and if for some reason it does cause you to lose your job, a lawyer will happily make sure that you are compensated.

Turn the other cheek? Yes, doing this means that you are not to return insult for insult. You are not to play their game. You, going about your life and cutting this off  in a grown-up way when people don't have the sense to do so themselves isn't retaliation but really is for the common good, because they usually just move on to another target. Don't fret, it will always bite them in the end even if you don't see it happen. Look at the lives of those who accomplished so much with non-violence. Peaceful resistance has overthrown governments. They are thought of as good while the attackers lose in the end, the world remembers them and gives them great respect while the attackers and slanderers are given the cold shoulder and a stern review historically. There are good people out there that will see how well you are handling the situation and if they are brave enough they will see the flaws of someone attacking a person that doesn't attack back and will join in the fight to end it. Sometimes it's someone else that speaks up and ends the aggression.

This has happened in history many times. Ghandi was physically harmed and so were his followers. They continued to not retaliate against aggression and in return they gained the respect of the world. They got what they were after without having to resort to the insanity of the world and it's normal forms of revenge. If they had taken the normal steps to overthrow regimes, India might still be under British rule and many more people would have lost their lives. Martin Luther King, Jr. is another example. There were only so many televised beatings of a peaceful crowd (who didn't retaliate) that people were able to watch before things started to change and the movement gained respect and power. When you take the ego out of the conflict, you become powerful. This is what I mean by being able to use what people think, good or bad, to your advantage. Things can change very quickly when you make the right move.

In the garden, Jesus told Peter to put away his sword after he chopped a guards ear off when they came to arrest Jesus. He healed the guards ear and told Peter that if you live by the sword you will die by the sword. I was perplexed by this statement when I was younger but how many young men have to die on the streets in drive-by shootings before we see that this is so very true? How many fights over something petty, that could have been handled differently, ended with someone dying?

There is a time for everything and I'm no expert on the subject of gossip since I myself have even been a part of it on occasion.  What I'm getting at is sometimes the most common methods of dealing with things (revenge or starting gossip of our own) isn't the best way. It isn't the way that usually works because it's an emotional subject that can keep us from thinking rationally. If you are wrongfully accused and the accusers do win in the end, then there is a much bigger plan than we can imagine. We must de-sensitize ourselves to gossip. Especially if it is of the usual petty sort that last for a few hours or days and then is over. A lot of what keeps the weak going is knowing that they can feed off of your pain. If you have no worries about it, they will surely be confused and move on. Like I said - misery loves company. If they move on to another victim, don't be afraid to talk to this person and give them some insight into what the minds of these gossipers are like. Soon the busybody or busybodies will be outnumbered and will either see the error in their ways (in which case they should be forgiven for their mistakes) or they themselves will be the outcast. People know that they cannot trust a gossiper (even a fellow gossiper). If they are gossiping about someone who's not in the room, they will wonder what is being said when they aren't around which causes the entire process to eventually implode.