How to Surprise a Manipulator

Odds are, if you can put yourself into the category of being a people-pleaser, pushover, or a doormat (even on ocasion) then you've dealt with a lot of narcissistic and manipulative people in your lifetime. People that enjoy bullying or using manipulative behavior to get what they want are usually drawn to these personality types because these are the people that they have power over - these are the people that they get their strength from (like emotional vampires). If it weren't for people that let them get away with it, these people would be nobodies. People would simply call them out each time they tried their bullying and they would hold no positions of power. Their shaming, anger, and flattery would all be in vain.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. " - Eleanor Roosevelt

Any day now, a people-pleaser could wake up and say, "You know what? This is BS. I don't deserve this." So, if you're the type of person that uses people, don't be surprised when an individual or group has finally had enough of you. That will be the day when the manipulation stops, because you cannot control someone who doesn't give you control. It doesn't mean that the bullied needs to rise up and become the bully or that, if you are the one being manipulated, you have to get emotional, call them up and curse them out right this minute. All that it means is their tactics won't work on you anymore like they used to. The good thing about this is that the manipulator will see this change soon enough. It won't take them long to realize they've lost control. If they see that your emotional well-being no longer depends on their mood or what they say, then not only will they move on to an easier target, but you're essentially free.

I remember when I was a kid and I asked my parents why there were homeless people and the reply was - "It's usually because they can't work for other people." In other words, the ego of the homeless did not allow them to follow rules or "play the game"? Of course, I now know there are a myriad of reasons a person might become homeless - substance abuse, severe mental disorders etc. Maybe there is some grain of truth to what my parents said, but if you're truly miserable working for an insane person and you've decided to stand your ground for the sake of your sanity, then I don't see how this can be a bad thing.

Now, if you're working for someone that has good days and bad days like the rest of us, but doesn't ever take it out on you personally, then maybe you're being to sensitive. Just because you're boss doesn't greet you at the door because he's busy with something else doesn't mean he's out to get you. What I'm talking about here are the complete narcissist that expect their employees to be doormats. The type that enjoy the small power trip they gets out of making others feel bad.

Narcissists and manipulators may even come across as nice people. Notice I don't say good people, because there is an underlying quality to them that we can't ignore - something that you can feel. They will use a kind word or flattery every now and again to make us more supple, easier to mold, and more likely to bend to their wishes. They usually go from one extreme to the other, always keeping those that have to deal with them guessing what kind of mood they will be in. It's a pretty sick game.

There is a scene in "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (David Fincher's version) where the bad guy, Vanger, asks his victim to come in for a drink. Now, Blomkvist (the potential victim) has already figured out that Vanger is a psychopathic killer, but he still goes back inside the house for a drink knowing that it probably won't end well. We will actually put ourselves in danger to "not offend." Criminals, bullies, and manipulators use this against people everyday.

After Vanger has Blomkvist captive, he goes into this little speech that shows how our fear of coming across as impolite can make us do idiotic things, even when our gut is saying "run" or "fight" -

Let me ask you something. Why don't people trust their instincts? They sense something is wrong, someone is walking too close behind them. You knew something was wrong, but you came back into the house. Did I force you? Did I drag you in? No. All I had to do was offer you a drink. It's hard to believe that fear of offending me is stronger than the fear of pain, but you know what? It is. And they always come willingly, and they sit there, they know its all over, just like you do. But somehow they still think that they have a chance, maybe if I say the right thing, maybe if I'm polite, if I cry, if I beg. And when I see their hope draining from their face, like it is from yours right now, I can feel myself getting hard. But you know, we're not that different, you and I. Both have urges. Satisfying mine requires more towels.

The best thing that we can do for ourselves and for our children is to let them trust their gut instead of always insisting on politeness. Sometimes parents go too far with "respect your elders" or teaching a respect for people in authority (that shouldn't even be in a position of authority). We must watch out for people who will use this willingness to please against us. Charismatic cult leaders are notorious for this type of manipulation which causes group thinking and subservient behavior.

You're an adult. There are no "rules" in what your reply has to be and in which tone of voice you use when speaking to someone. There are ways to make people feel welcome that you enjoy talking to and a sense of common courtesy that we have (even with strangers), but it is still because you've decided that this is the correct behavior for that situation. Of course, we always start by treating people as we would want to be treated, but if they don't return the favor and for some reason feel the need to target you, it must be nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand. If they're sick enough to see kindness as a weakness that they can exploit, you must be more assertive with that individual before they get the idea you're an easy target. Even the stoics, who did their best to keep drama out of their lives, went to war with people when they had to.

In relationships, a manipulative or more controlling spouse/partner will sometimes use tactics they would never try on anyone else. If you've done something wrong, they may use guilt and shame to make you feel as if you have to fawn over. feel pity for, and fear their wrath in order to get back in their good graces - as if the guilt and shame you're feeling isn't enough. Every argument isn't because whoever you're dating or are married to is a narcissist. You can tell that you're with a true manipulator when you can see that they don't care about you personally; they will get what they want by any means necessary, even if that means you're crying at 3 am while they're sleeping like a baby.

Your spouse may have even gotten over whatever it is that you think was so bad, but they can't let you know that or they lose the upper hand. The real bad ones consciously know what they're doing and will even gloat about it to others. You see this sometimes in couples where the one being manipulated or verbally abused feels like they deserve it. Even if you are the one that originally broke the trust and have apologized repeatedly and have made an effort to stay with that person because you've seen the error in your ways - for them to use it against you and to make you feel like dirt is no way to live. Counseling would be a good idea here, because the counselor will be less likely to let them to get away with this behavior.  No one is perfect. You are not your mistakes. To hold a mistake against someone to the point where it becomes cruel is worse than ending the relationship completely.

I will admit, a lot of this is very situational considering the restraint that I've suggested in earlier post. Sometimes keeping your cool, especially when others are watching, makes the manipulator look ridiculous, which can work in your favor. But in this post, when we're dealing with someone that is possibly verbally abusive or has rejected you as a human being with feelings, then "keeping your cool" is usually the result of the fear of confrontation or offending. When dealing with a true narcissist, you don't have to over analyze it to the point where you feel sorry for them. You'll find that this is very common in the corporate world. You may bring up what's happening with this particular boss or co-worker and they are defended with, "he/she really does have a good heart, they just don't know how to get their point across."

Sometimes we even feel sorry for someone who is mean because we assume they must have other issues going on in their lives. We assume they have a good heart in there somewhere. Don't forget that even though this may be true, you have a good heart too and they are currently trying to take advantage of that. These are the times when you have to think about yourself. I know that it's not good to focus on ourselves at all times, and that it can backfire to be overly self-consumed, but sometimes what's best for you at the moment is to fight against the social norm and be a little aggressive without allowing yourself to become overly emotional. If you become too emotional when sticking up for yourself then they still have an advantage. I realize that this is easier said than done, especially when it is a situation that has been going on for awhile and you have a lot of feelings that are bottled up. They might not have gotten to you in the way that they intended but they still got to you if you are just as upset as you would have been before you decided to assert yourself.

All of that respect that you were taught that you had to give throughout your childhood and in high school is done. In reality - You don't have to do anything. People use this "logic" that we were taught against us every day. If you pay close attention to the words of those around us, be it the media, family, friends, or co-workers you will hear these little catch phrases that they use to get people to think as they do. Commentators on the news will even say, "What people have to realize..." or a boss might say, "what you need to do..." Yes, sometimes they are right and what they're saying might be helpful, but sometimes they are dead wrong. Do people really go to see Lady Gaga so that she can give a 20 minute rant on who they have to accept and what their political views should be? No, but give someone a little power and they feel like they can teach you something because they are more evolved, smarter, or above you.

You deserve respect no matter how little you think you deserve it. You deserve it starting today. You don't have to wait until you're seventy. Being nice to people is a good thing, but letting people bulldoze you because they think you're weak is something that only you can stop. Most of the time, if money weren't involved, half of the disrespect that we take would be ended very quickly but we have bills to pay so we keep taking their crap. This is very common. Almost everyone has had to deal with a narcissistic and manipulative boss. The manipulators of the world are fighting the ones that have dismissed or have fought back by labeling them as sensitive or lazy when they are called out on their bad behavior. Here is an example of what is given to people in corporations (as a "joke") when they complain about being treated badly...

Yes, there are people that will blow anything out of proportion, but instead of trying to see a little bit of truth in the employees point of view, there is this automatic - "People these days don't know what work is." Actually, I think there is still a strong work ethic. People have stood up for themselves since the beginning of time. Maybe it's the bosses of the world that have become more sensitive? Maybe they are the ones who have let their egos get out of control to the point that they've had to label the employee as the sensitive one when they can't believe that they aren't getting away with talking to people however they want. Other employees that hang on their every word like they are something special and put up with their nonsense can be enablers that make it harder on the group as a whole. It's much better when there is more than one person that stands up for themselves, but it usually starts with one brave soul.

So, how do you surprise a narcissists or a manipulator? You simply don't do what you have always done. You cut them off before they get too far and make your boundaries known. If necessary, you talk to them as you would a spoiled child. You let them know (in some way) that what they have been getting away with isn't acceptable. At first they might switch tactics - becoming angry or throwing a temper tantrum because they can't believe that you're actually standing up for yourself. This is a good point in the conversation where you want to keep strong and find a little humor their behavior.

When they see that none of the old tricks work on you, they will move on to someone that they can control. Manipulative people are usually weaker than they put on (or they wouldn't have to constantly throw their weight around). They are so used to getting their ego boosted by the "sly" tactics they use that when it fails, they either leave you alone, treat you differently, or (if it's a work situation) find a way to remove you from the company. Hopefully, there are leaders within the company that have enough reasoning to see that you don't deserve to be fired for sticking up for yourself. If not, do you really want to stay there anyway?

If a manipulator has somehow learned their lesson, then you can rightfully forgive them and move on from there. No need for a lot of drama. It's over and now the boundaries have been set. There are different ways of handling these types of people, but all of them should end with the bully knowing they are messing with the wrong person, even if you can do so without saying a word.

Other useful info on people pleasing, being addicted to the approval of others, and dealing with narcissists....
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