Public Speaking and OCD

I'm thinking that my aversion to public speaking has something to do with making a big deal out of every little mistake I make and every little thing that people do in my audience (no matter how large or small). I have some meetings today where I'm sharing the lead role as presenter with another co-worker and so far, so good. I think starting small is a good thing. Start with a small group, get comfortable speaking in front of them and go from there. If you must, like I did, you can even start from scratch - be the one who volunteers to read a paragraph out loud etc. Someone who is a perfectionist tends to put their self-worth on how good they are seen by others. If a speaking engagement goes badly then I must be a weak and horrible person who has no place in society? Where did I get that? Maybe it's from holding on to crap that happened in school at those moments when big deals were made out of truly petty situations.

Breathing and attitude has a lot to do with how your presentation will go also. If you are making it into something besides communicating with other humans (in essence, holding a conversation with several people instead on one person) then you can overthink it. You can make it to where you feel as if you mispronounce a word, or have a moment where you can't think of the right word - instead of laughing it off, you turn it into a big deal and start the negative self talk which does you no good. I've been down that dead end road too many times.

I've had some cases where I can see someone leaning in to talk to the person next to them and I assume they are talking about me whether they are or not. Actually, it should make no difference but it still registers. I've even have had a few, that after they hear what this whisperer is saying to them, actual laugh out loud. Loud enough for everyone to hear (like it was just soooo funny). I think I'm going to start calling these people out like they are in the second grade and ask them if they have anything they'd like to share because it is very childish. Usually, these loud mouths aren't so brave when they are put on the spot. It's usually because of their on self-consciousness and feelings of insecurity that they do this kind of stuff. They want to draw this limited amount of attention to themselves (look at me, I'm cool and better), but not so much attention that the tables could turn on them. Maybe everyone else can see right through them anyway and I should just let them make fools of themselves. Maybe it's OCD and wanting everything to go perfect that causes this to be a bigger deal than it should. If you don't care, then maybe they can tell you don't care and it makes them feel even dumber than if you were to call them out on it. You see? That's why it's good to write and keep a journal - so you can work this kind of stuff out.

Being the leader you can control the relaxedness or tenseness of the environment. So if you decide that an open conversation with someone in the audience will calm yourself and show the audience some naturalness then you might start with that. You might bring so food and drinks for them to snack on (and make noise with) to take all of the focus off of yourself. I'm really thankful right now that I'm in a position where things can be taking slowly instead of having my boss tell me that I will be speaking at a convention next week with a thousand people. I know that I've written about this before and that I can be pretty dramatic but today (for some reason) the drama has lessened and I'm seeing more people that are like me, would rather avoid speaking in public if they have to, but are adult about listening to what I have to say without judgement. Maybe I've been around the wrong people for too long? People that see someone is uncomfortable and take advantage of that situation to make themselves feel better are people that I've dealt with before but (like I've said before) the less I care about trying to be perfect or not show any signs of nervousness while public speaking then the less I will have these traits when I've the center of attention. It's similar to that Aurelius quote I've worn out - "reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."


Of note:

This little trick has worked pretty well for me before public speaking...

Rikk Wilde - look him up on YouTube if the link is already taken down. I wouldn't say to watch this for laughs like some jerks do, but to read the comments. You will see that you are not alone in this whole public speaking thing. The poor guy has millions of hits on YouTube but people are really defending him because they know how he feels. There is an empathy there that you don't get with a lot of other subjects. There is a reason this video is out there and I don't think it's because people are enjoying watching someone suffer.

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 12

I've actually made it to day 12. It's been a journey full of scattered thoughts, mood swings, and binge eating until I can't feel my legs - but it's getting better. Right now, I have no desire for nicotine. Oops, spoke too soon, there it is.

Really, my cravings are becoming less frequent. There are certain things that seem to set off the need for tobacco that I've discussed before. I could have used a huge cigar at the end of the Saints' game last weekend. If they could win a game then my Sundays would be a little more sunshine and less the Morrissey version of "silent and grey." I'm not much of a Sunday person anyway, so the Saint's losing the game in the last 3 minutes only made it more depressing. Why I'm upset because some millionaires lost a game is beyond me.

I still get that flush of dopamine every now and again when I think about smoking. They say it gets released when you're expecting a reward, whether the reward actually comes or not. Problem is, I'm unable to fulfill the expectation so I look to other things like food and drink. My time on the treadmill has gone up a little (probably due to the need to burn off some stress) but I'm sure I'm making up for it in calories. I had two beers last night, plus a lot of appetizers at the restaurant we went to. No real food that I can think of in the last few days. That will have to be the next step once I'm over this hump - getting my diet back on track. If I don't reign this in I will end up on the news, being fork-lifted out of my house while my moo moo flaps in the wind.

I've learned that knowing something is bad for you doesn't mean that you will make a change. The thoughts about something being bad for you have to align with your emotions in order for you to quit a bad habit or start a good one. That's why most of the time, when life changes are made, it's because of an emotion like fear. You're much more likely to have a clean diet if your doctor tells you that you're borderline diabetic and you're more apt to quit smoking if you're told that you have spots on your lungs. Sad but true. Maybe I'm lucky that it didn't take a scare to make me quit nicotine? There was some other emotion that lined up with the intellectual part of me knowing it was bad for me, even though I can't really put my finger on it I'm sure a small part of it was fear. Next step will be to get my diet back under control instead of using quitting smoking as the excuse. Guess it will take lining the intellectual and the emotional up again. Now back to listening to Viva Hate because what's a better answer to any problem than knowing it's all going to end one way or another - "Armageddon, come Armageddon."

Corporate Assertiveness

It's just strange when you work with (mostly) overly assertive "alpha male" types in your small group and an email with the attachment below is sent out to all 13 of us. I'm with a group of about 13 corporate, middle and top, managers in our general area and I'm probably the most laid-back, humble, and stoic out of the group. I'm not lazy, but sometimes I'm (let's say) unmoved by the things that most corporate types get all excited about. Also, the fact that I don't have to be the center of attention makes me an anomaly in their world. Maybe this is some kind of training that is supposed to "help" me but the training manager thought I'd feel singled out if he just sent it to me? Or...maybe I think the world revolves around me and the email has nothing to do with me? I'm just finding it hard to believe that any of them would mark yes to any of these statements, but I've been wrong many times before.

I'd like to reply back - "Thanks, this was great info! I will make sure to put it on my Palm Pilot." Corporate psychology is at least 20 years behind from what I've experienced. The same guys who were in management in the 80's and 90's are still spreading all of their little tricks and sayings that they learned back then, not realizing that a lot of their data has turned out to be incorrect. I'm not talking about the Zig Ziglar motivational stuff they love; I'm talking about the self-esteem boosting agenda that they think will solve all of their problems when it's probably the cause of most problems in corporate America.

Believe me, I've tested this self-esteem thing out on people who claim to be full of it. You give one of these guys a compliment and their chest pokes out a little; you tell them that someone "higher up" or "important"  bragged on them and you will see them glow. At a past job, when I told another manager what the VP had said about him, he literally teared up. If they are so sure of themselves then why do these little comments make them feel so good?

If I try to stay out of toxic conversations with those who seem to thrive on toxic and narcissistic talk, does it mean that I'm avoiding them out of fear and that I lack assertiveness? No, it means that I would rather avoid the bad vibes, the headache, and the needless drama. Isn't it normal to want to save your energy for something more useful? If they have something to say to me directly then that's when I'll decide how much time and energy to spend on them in order to keep them at bay or to play the game in a way that is beneficial. Other than that, unless their attitudes change for the better, they are simply annoyances in the background - like a fly buzzing around the room.

Self-esteem is still a big deal (what is believed to be a necessary thing) in the corporate world. No matter how much research has been done to prove that self-esteem isn't this grand goal, they just keep pushing it. The corporate world would be a much better environment if they realized the problem is that there is too much self-esteem and not enough self-forgetfulness, but it doesn't make sense in a culture where having more of something is usually a good thing. That is also why it's open season on the guys or gals who don't completely fit this corporate mold. If you've seen American Psycho, you'll remember it got to the point where they got each other's names confused they were so much alike.

Some of the information below can be valid such as, "I apologize when I say no even when it is in response to unreasonable request." That is something that you'd want to avoid, along with most things on this list. You don't want to let people walk all over you but you don't want to overthink it either. Part of the email that came with this attachment said something about hesitating while talking, talking too loud, talking to soft, the tone you use....It's enough to make you self-conscious about every word that comes out of your mouth if you weren't already. If you don't care if people notice your soft tone, shaky voice, or hesitation then those things fade away but focusing so much on this stuff can make it worse.

For example, if I really thought about number 16 below and took it seriously I'd be jumping to introduce myself with my hand out at every turn because I wouldn't want anyone to think I need someone else to introduce me because 'how weak is that?' I have no problem introducing myself to someone, or introducing other people to strangers, or someone introducing themselves to me first...whatever. I really don't think it's worth putting on a list that is labelled "How Assertive Are You?" If we have to make list with this kind of stuff on it, then we're not confident and very petty. So much for high self-esteem.

Mary Jane is No Longer the Cool, Witty Girl

Believe it or not, there was a time in the nineties when Pauly Shore saying "hey buuuuddy" or "chilling with the wease" was actually funny. This was until everyone finally got sick of it and it lost its magic. There was also a time when Wayne's World and their mullets had taken the box office by storm until people had seen every angle to the humor and it too...lost it's magic. When people are ready to revisit these movies in twenty years, we will maybe have a few laughs once again. This is the way of the world, nothing last forever. If humor and interest didn't have an ebb and flow, Jerry Lewis movies would have their own 24 hour channel and our taste would never evolve. So my question is...when is the newness, hipness, or repetitive humor of smoking weed ever going to finally take a rest? When will it not be a mandatory scene in every film to have the main characters smoke weed with rap playing in the background (that makes it ironic) while talking about who the best Batman was or who was the hottest out of Betty and Wilma on the Flintstones?

Apatow - I'm afraid you have the most pull so it's got to start with you. I know that this is not an actor playing certain characters like an Austin Powers where you can just stop making Austin Powers movies when you see that people have had their fill. It's just scenes in otherwise mostly decent films, but many filmmakers are now making entire movies out of this subject with no heart or humor involved. They figure if they put someone smoking weed on the DVD cover with some reference to weed in the title that they'll have an instant hit. Sad thing is, the groupthink actually has taken hold enough for these films to do pretty well no matter how bad they are. Some filmmakers will continue to make movies about smoking weed and going for the cheap laughs, but maybe if the big names in the industry stop, then the Benson's of the world will eventually stop and then the "serious" docs will finally give it a rest for a while. I thought the scene from Transformers 2 (mom with pot brownies) would finally put an end to the madness but I guess some people still think it's hilarious.

I don't have enough interest in the subject of marijuana to watch any documentaries on the subject. I have no stance on whether it should be completely legal or not because I think that the verdict is still out on a lot of the issues that surround smoking pot in general. I do lean more toward the libertarian side of not caring what someone does in their own home as long as it's not hurting anyone else. Stoners, ALL that I'm asking is PLEASE stop flooding my Netflix Watch Instantly queue with movies about Marijuana. New Releases - Recently Added - Comedies - TV Shows - Documentaries - even Romance. There are documentaries and TV shows that try to take a serious look at its legalization (it seems like they are going to make a documentary for each state as they legalize it) and there is literally a ton of wasted time and money on stoner comedies. Growing up, we had Cheech and Chong - those movies had some humor but they weren't comedy gold that need to be imitated for generations.

People are so brainwashed into relating smoking pot with being hip and funny that all you have to do to have a mediocre stand up show in Anytown, California is stand there with your eyes half closed, a mike in your hand, and slowly say, "I smoke pot." You will get cheers and applause that will carry you through the rest of your lame show where you continue to beat on this same freaking drum until the next "cool" comedian comes on stage and talks about how much pot he smokes. You know, being that most people have enough on their plate besides caring if stoners will be able to smoke legally or not I don't see why this subject hasn't been dropped already. "Ebola, Isis and another story today from Denver about the rise in homelessness and its possible links with the growing use in marijuana." Here we go, more tax money to more people who can't hold down a job. Great, thanks mass media for making something so lame seem soooo hip.

I'm just done with it. Some marijuana users act like it's something that's actually healthy for them - because it's of the earth? Every drug is of the earth! Cocaine from the Cocoa plant, heroin from the poppy seed, nicotine from tobacco. Smoking marijuana is still bad for you no matter what kind of spin you put on it and there are side effects in all it's forms that effect different people in different ways - so saying it's completely safe is ridiculous. Maybe, and I'm not sure about this because it sure does seem to be abused, there isn't so much of an addictive quality to THC as there is with alchohol, tobacco , and other drugs. I'm no expert, but I'm sure the more people use the more we will find out , and I'm betting it won't be all sunshine and uncontrollable laughter while you still somehow manage to hold down your 6 figure job like they do in the movies.

What's the last Seth Rogen movie made where he wasn't smoking weed? And people still laugh every time! I stopped laughing when Wile E Coyote fell of that cliff, uuuh...probably the 5th time I saw it, and I was ten! What is going on? I can see some humor in it every now and then but it is NOT as COOL or FUNNY as these people think it is. Do it all you want but please stop using it for a cheap laugh because yeah, the 15 year olds in the theater might giggle but the rest of us (who aren't laughing loudly to be cool) have seen it all before and the charm has worn off. And if you're doing it so the stoners in the audience will laugh, they are already too busy laughing about the way their straw sounds in their cup so why even try?

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 5

Tolkien

I now know why many of the great writers smoked. There is a creative kick that comes from nicotine that I really do miss. I guess I started young enough to not realize this effect, but now that it's gone I notice it big time. I hope that is a feeling that I haven't lost...

I still have a good amount of brain fog. Not as tired anymore, but just as grouchy. Last night was the hardest night yet. I truly don't know how I made it through. I miss that clear headed feeling (hard to describe) that I get from nicotine, after a meal especially. It really sucks to not have that little reward system. Sometimes when I'm done with a project or chore, I crave that hit just as bad as after a meal. There is this feeling in my head that something is clogged and if only I'd give it nicotine, it would open everything up (mentally). But, I know that this will eventually go away.

Too bad that there are such horrible side effects with tobacco use because I would be smoking like a chimney. After lunch today I felt like something was missing and it made me a little sad when I realized it was the nicotine, because it's not like a piece of gum or mint will ever give that same satisfaction. The people that tell you to buy a lot of gum and hard candy really don't know what it's like to be addicted to nicotine. Those are the people that must have smoked 5 or 6 cigarettes a day. "Oh yeah, chew on this piece of gum and you won't be pissed at the world anymore," they say. Now, I have a jaw that is sore from chewing gum on top of being pissed at the world.

More Subtle Than I Imagined - 1

The Bible is very accurate but sometimes I feel like I've let my imagination get away from me over the years. When it comes to the end times and a few other issues; I'm seeing things unfold in a more subtle, patient way. This way can still be profound, but it's not as theatrical as I thought it would be. Maybe that will come later? The older I get and the more I can compare the infinite time of a God and the universe to my own short time as an organism, the more I can see the subtle nature of prophecy in the Bible. Maybe we have been in the end times for 2000 years and if you combine it all into a 10 year span, then yes, it sounds like hell on earth but history is like a circle. Knowing the nature of man, what he will do in the future is pretty easy to predict because he's already done it once and he usually doesn't learn his lesson.

Honestly - in modern times, could you have a better Darth Vader-ish type Antichrist than Hitler? Well, Hitler is dead and he didn't completely take over the world and never got the chance to destroy Christianity, so the next guy or gal will REALLY have to be slick to pull off the world domination thing again. It may have to be so far into the future that Hitler is a side note of a charismatic cult leader that people think they are too smart to fall for. Yes, in our ignorance, even the bad times in history repeats itself over and over. Which brings up the question - how will we know this is the final straw? I heard a pastor say once that he hasn't returned yet because he is trying to save as many souls as possible? Well, that could go on forever. As I type this, there have already been about 110 million births this year with a net population growth of 64 million.

After some studying and a lot of contemplation, it seems (at least to me) that if Jesus says that he doesn't even know when he's going to return - no matter how blatant we think the signs are, we still can't be sure if they're the right signs at the right times. Considering that God is eternal how can we possibly expect him to work on our time line? Every generation for the last two thousand years thinks they will be the last one. It's kind of like saying if I'm not going to be here, then no one else should be either. We all think we've reached the limit on moral depravity, but history is littered with some very sick people - I'm talking entire populations of sickos and we're still here.

AC: "Since you are a mortal being and you have a life span, you just want to be like yeah, no, I go - Everyone Goes! Everyone!" 

JR: "Yeah, it's like the ultimate flip the board game over if you can't win." 

Anthony Cumia and Joe Rogan on The Joe Rogan Experience

Here's one example where I expected something unbelievable but instead got the more subtle and explainable version years later. I don't know where he got his information from, but I clearly remember my father telling me, when I was a kid, that Israel would be attacked and that "no missiles would be able to land there. It'll be almost like there is a dome around the country and the missiles just bounce off." At the time I thought he'd gotten it from Revelations, but now the only place I can see this even being hinted at in the bible is Ezekiel 39 -

"I will strike your bow from your left hand and dash down your arrows from your right hand.You will fall on the mountains of Israel, you and all your troops and the peoples who are with you; I will give you as food to every kind of predatory bird and beast of the field.…"

So, growing up I saw this as one of the signs of the end times and I still do. But what I had in my head of how this missiles would just be falling out of the sky and how everyone would be amazed came about in an entirely different way - The Iron Dome. Yes, it still supports some of the commentary on the end times and it's definitely a game changer, but if you want converts, you'd think it would be more like the battle my imagination had conjured up all those many years ago.

It's kind of funny really. It's like getting this huge crowd of people ready for this unbelievable fireworks show. They have been making websites, debating on message boards, getting together on late night talk radio about this crazy fireworks show that is supposed to happen REAL soon. A date is finally set by someone, so they all show up in this field (which someone else set up) the evening of the first guy's predicted date. Up to this point, people are willing something to happen but they aren't for sure if the pyrotechnics crew is going to show up. When it's completely dark and crowd is hushed with excitement - that's when a lone man slowly walks into the field with one of those small glass coke bottles, digs it into the mud a bit, and shoots off one bottle rocket. He turns to the crowd and says, "Come back in 6 months and you will see something different." Did they get to see fireworks? Yes. Did the fireworks show have Bruce Willis shooting flares just over the crowd while Radiohead chanted melodically in the background? No. Will the next fireworks show have what everyone was expecting? Maybe. That's the mystery of it all, just when you think it's all slow, subtle and scientific, the clouds could part and we could see things that would make our hearts stop.

More Subtle than I Imagined -http://t.co/UzFYuTsHjY #endtimes #Christian #prophecy

— parker todd (@sturdyminded) October 17, 2014

I Can Only Take So Much Petty and It All Seems Petty

I'm not talking about Tom Petty, he has some decent stuff, and although I'm sure I could get sick of him pretty quickly, what I'm talking about is making mountains out of molehills. I'm talking about the pretentiousness and overstating of the simple to the point where it's just someone that really is in love with the sound of their own voice and what little power it may wield. When you get to a certain age you realize that you are 'the adult', which makes it harder for you take other 'adults' as seriously as you once did because they aren't speaking the truth like we thought they ALL did when we were children. We've learned that most of our fellow adults are just bigger kids with more experience that have learned the art of BS. 

For instance, lately its been harder for me to take something that is said in a business meeting or conference call with any real earnestness. Do these conversations have any bearing and/or reason? Yes. Should these conversations be taken as seriously as the people in these meetings would like them to be taken? In all likelihood - no. Believe me, I've spent a lot of hours in these types of environments and 90 percent of what is a such a 'big issue' is really not even close to being detrimental. If it is detrimental, it's usually because of the effect that it can have on someone much higher up's paycheck.

I think I still know how to play the game and act like I care but sometimes it's hard to hide my lack of interest. I still care about people, I just don't care a lot about playing the game anymore. I will swap stories with you for hours, that's fine - I just don't want to hear you talk to yourself about all of your accomplishments and awards while using corporate jargon that is meant to confuse when it's really just mind numbingly simple catch phrases. 

I literally have twenty to thirty minute conversations about things going on at work that could be narrowed down to a 20 second conversation. I could make a one or two sentence note on what needs to be done or what needs to be changed in my stupid daytimer and it's over, done, problem solved. Lately, I'm feeling like Coach Belichick in a press conference where I feel like I've adequately answered the question once so there is no reason to keep talking about it. I'm open to input that would help any situation, but other than that let's move forward.  The gift of gab runs its course after a while and sometimes it's just time filler BS that makes no difference until they catch you saying something stupid. That's when you ask yourself why you were still talking in the first place.

I don't know what's going on. Maybe it's the nicotine withdrawal that's caused this existential crisis, or maybe most people could already see through all the bull and I've been gullible for most of my life. It's literally like waking up one morning and instead of seeing all of these beautiful answers to all of these complicated questions, you've woken up and the miracle is that you can see straight through the BS. I mean all of it. It's your superpower. 

You notice things that you feel stupid for not noticing before - they want you to buy their car, so they use sex and the promise of envy; you're not acting the way they want you to act or thinking the way they want you to think, so your type will be portrayed as the stupid or crazy character in that TV show. You will see this and think that you don't fit in, that something must be wrong with you. Now...if you're sympathizing with a crazy cult leader because you're a crazy cult leader, then yes - you're nuts and it's not subliminal programming to get you to conform. 

I feel as if I'm a part of a system that I didn't even try that hard to become a member of, but somehow here I am. I could always quit, start back at the bottom, but where is the fun in that? I'll probably be removed from corporate management soon enough and they will be happy to be rid of me. The fact that all of the those people (the rich and famous, rock stars, movie stars, CEO's, lawyers, doctors, bosses) that I once stood in awe of are no better than me or anyone else is an awakening. We are simply people in different circumstances, for better or worse. Sometimes we even trade places. They may have worked harder than you to achieve something, they may have been born into money, they have made their money in filthy ways, and maybe few of us deserve the good fortune we've had? The thing that does unite us all is that we love to impress and we're scared to death of disapproval or having people see some side of us we've been trained to think of as a sign that you are no longer 'worth' anything. So that Boss that was giving you a hard time is just some guy who has fears like you do and maybe that's why everything's a big deal to him. 

When you truly realize that you and everyone around you will eventually die, it changes the way you look at almost everything - life, work, relationships, money, materialism, health. Some of the changes you make when this is contemplated can be good (like spending more time with loved ones and living a fuller life), while some changes you may make in your attitude about life may make you a harder sell in the current world we live in. It could even get you removed from sets of friends or institutions. In a hundred years, you might fit in just fine with this train of thought, but in the world we live in at the moment (most people's inner dialogues being mostly full of feeling like we are special and horrible at the same time along with thinking our problems can be solved by consuming something) you seeing how short life is doesn't add to that conversation. 

If you were a business owner looking for "fired up" employees would you even hire yourself? Would you hire the guy that doesn't see the point to it all? Yeah, I might. Especially if it was sales (believe it or not). They would either be the best sales person I've ever had or the worse. It just depends on how charming their independence is. Their honesty might just be the refreshing change potential clients are looking for in this fake world that only seems to be concerned with the bottom line. With most businesses, if they do a service along the way, it's simply a side effect of how they make their money. 

It would be nice to see more businesses that think service first, but no matter how much they say this, it's rarely true. The problem remains though, that most of our issues will only be dealt with by having a healthy free market. A large government cannot solve any of the issues that are facing us. It may seem as if it is temporarily, but in the long run we become too dependent and open ourselves up to even bigger messes. If you think a company man can talk about some petty stuff, listen to a politician.

Don't get me wrong. I really don't have it that bad. There are way worse jobs. I've become so jaded by Corporate America that if I lost my current job and had to find something else, it would probably have to be something where I could just be myself (to a point). Somewhere that the game doesn't matter as much as the outcome. 

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 3

So tired...Would still love to have some nicotine to break through this chemical barrier in my head. Have a few people to apologize to but I will wait until this is all over and just get it all done at once. I am less anxious than I thought - just crave the hit. Hardly anyone knows I'm doing this. I don't need the pressure and the early congrats can be a little degrading (or seem so at least). Everyone gets to tell you how disgusting they think your habit is before you are even done getting over it. At this point, they may still have to deal with it so I don't need to hear their future disappointment.

sturdyminded: Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 3 http://t.co/LzC2taXoZP
— parker todd (@sturdyminded) October 15, 2014

Nicotine Withdrawal - Day 2

Yesterday wasn't too bad, but today I will take nicotine in just about any form available - cigarette, chewing tobacco, gum, tea, vapor - whatever. I might end up like Michael Douglas in Falling Down where I just park my car on the side of the rode and lose my mind by the time this is over. This morning, I woke up mad at the world and a little more anxious than I expected to be. I stopped at a convenient store on the way to work and everything just ticked me off. Someone had the nerve to walk right in front of me in the parking lot and while I was checking out, the guy in line behind me was talking real loud to the cashier like anyone gives a crap about what he has to say! Wait until it's your turn, you loudmouth.

I'm kind of going back and forth between being pissed at the world and being in a complete brain fog where everything seems petty. I did read that nicotine has the tendency to make things into a bigger deal than they are, which probably explains some of this haze I'm in and the not giving a crap about certain stuff that would normally bother me. Of course, there's some stuff that I usually don't get upset about that's making me ridiculously ticked off. Maybe I shouldn't drive for a few days?

Someone I talk to daily (on the phone at work) said I didn't sound like myself - they thought it was probably the job getting to me. Well, the job isn't helping and I probably grumble more than I should but it's mainly the nicotine withdrawal this time. The next two days were supposed to be very busy and I really didn't know how I was going to handle it but God took care of it (yes, I believe that more everyday). Those appointments were cancelled until later in the month, so my week is looking a little better (like I might make it). There are just too many coincidences that help me through that I can't chalk up to pure chance anymore. After reading this the other day, I've learned to just keep praying and things will work out for the best.

Sometimes, I kind of like this feeling because it can be numbing in a good way. There really is a fogginess and I can almost feel how it would lift with one hit of nicotine. I can almost feel the effects just by thinking about it. I know that this happens with a lot of substance abuse. The person that is addicted can sometimes get hints of the upcoming high before they even have the drug in their possession.  I know it'll eventually pass though (one hour at a time) and getting past this addiction will be something I've needed to do for quite a while.

What's really dumb is that I was completely over this addiction about 2 years ago until I bummed a cigarette off of a co-worker (after months of not even a craving). After a few days of bumming here and there, I wound up starting back at square one.  I'm fighting against my bodies normal routine of getting it's normal fix and right now it's freaking my mind and body out. I just have to make sure I don't let any other addictions take it's place. I have already noticed that I'm eating a little more than normal. At the store I was looking on the shelf for something that had had the look of tobacco (very strange). I guess beef jerky would have been close or maybe some sun flower seeds that tasted like a mix of salt and dirt shoveled up in Kentucky?
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I feel like I'm missing some of my creativity - not sure what parts of the brain nicotine lights up as far as that goes. I have also had to proofread almost every sentence about 5 times. I will be glad when this crap is over.

When Every Comment Feels Like a Slight

Some of what makes a person timid and anxious is being way to sensitive to things that are just the way of the world. I've noticed this about myself on many occasions. I've always been the first to get defensive when I feel like I've been ridiculed or judged unfairly, and I'm quick to defend others that I feel are being picked on, but sometimes I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

I'm in middle management so I see both sides of the coin. I do my best, but I know employees will complain even if I act like Mother Teresa - so what non-management employees say doesn't bother me too much. If I didn't treat them right then they do have a lot of say in my position, but I'll never be the kind of company man that causes a mutiny - just some grumbling every now and again. It's when someone in upper management or who's in a position to effect my job and what they think about the work I do that gets to me more. I sometimes take things out of context or make something said into a slight against me when it's usually just their way of bragging on themselves or joking. A simple, "We never used to do it that way" - (in my head) can turn into "you're doing something wrong," or "you're incompetent."

A lot of it has to do with the tendency for people to use text and email more often than speaking face to face or over the phone. When I read something that be taken either way, I usually see it in a negative light. An email that says - "It's not your responsibility" can be said in a completely reasonable tone over the phone when I can actually hear the person's voice and it would be fine, but when it's typed out I have to guess whether they're upset or just stating a fact etc.

I'm debating whether it's a lack of 'being secure in myself' or that I have so much pride that I don't like it being messed with. I'm leaning more towards pride being the culprit due to the pride disabling my ability to be secure in myself. Without the pride, then I'd accept the fact that people aren't always going to tip toe around me, just like I don't tip toe around everyone in my life. Without the pride, I'd ask more questions and be more humble - not try to act like I know it all when I clearly don't. I'd be more authentic and this authenticity would not take everything as a slight because I'm just another guy in the workforce dealing with stuff that millions of others are dealing with right at this moment.

There is nothing special about my situation or the person's situation that I'm feeling offended by, so why take it so seriously? Without the pride I wouldn't try to portray myself as perfect (with these OCD qualities) and would be able to take some constructive criticism. Without the pride, I'd know when it's best to speak up or let something minor slide (and most of it's minor). Without the pride, I'd know my limits and wouldn't be afraid if someone else knew them. Like I've said before, if people know they can get to you with their comments because they see that you're sensitive to them - (not saying they will but) they can use it against you to get their way. They will tell you something to pump up that pride when they need something, and they can use a slight to prick that pride when they don't want you to do something or to get you to do it their way. If you're humble, then there is no pride to boost up and their is no pride to tear down. They no longer have that control. You can learn from your mistakes easier, and if they have a better way - the have a better way. If they are using you, you can say no without it being a big deal because you aren't concerned about having their approval. Humbleness leads to growth in any endeavor. The trick is to stay humble no matter how high in the ranks you rise. The least will be the greatest, the meek shall inherit the earth, and "because everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted."

"People sometimes say their feelings are hurt. But our feelings can’t be hurt! It is the ego that hurts - my sense of self, my identity. Our feelings are fine! It is my ego that hurts." - Tim Keller 

True Detective's 10 Keys to Being Weird and Cool at the Same Time

I don't know much about the writer and creator of 'True Detective' Nic Pizzolatto but his writing has some hidden gems that show us a unique version of what a truly free thinker is made of. Rust Cohle claims to be a pessimist at the start of the series but there is a virtuous (almost stoic) streak that we see develop as time goes on. These aren't rules to live by, but it's a character that has captured the hearts and minds of many. Even though we can clearly see his flaws we still root for him. He's a man who's been to hell and back but has learned to cope in a way that makes 'Cool Hand Luke' look like Barney.

1. Stay calm and don't escalate the petty stuff. Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction. The agitated will feel dumb about it later.

2. Sleeping with someone just because you can is thoughtless and weak. When you go against the natural inclination of man to have sex without reservation, it causes a respect and mysteriousness that you wouldn't attain otherwise.

3. When it comes to protecting the weak, you don't always have to play by the "rules". 

4. Don't show your hand until you're done playing the game. 

5. Let bygones be bygones.

6. Surprise a bully.

7. Don't be afraid of having deep conversations. These are the only conversations people remember.

8. Know who you are. Accept your oddness.

9. Know when it's time to move on.

10. Accept the fact that you don't have it all figured out.

How to Pull the Arrow Out

Many people spend hours asking themselves all kinds of questions: “When will this end?” “Why me?” and “What have I done to deserve this?” To make use of a well-known Buddhist parable, these questions are as much use as trying to figure out the source of the arrow which blinded you: it’s just not that important. What you need to know is how to pull the arrow out. - Nikolay Perov

Wisdom and Action

If you'll notice, usually what people talk about the most is what they're most concerned or proud about. Most of what people think, talk, and write about is what's on the forefront of their minds. Likewise, when someone reads a quote or hears a talk that has an impact on them, it's because it's something that was on their mind. When people consider ways to improve themselves or their situations, they usually study up on what is bothering them the most or something that they need to work on. It is usually through struggle that people tend to search for answers. It is usually in a time of crisis that we find the strength to put what we've learned to the test and start to look for meaning through spiritual methods such as prayer.

This does make me wonder. Did Marcus write his meditations to overcome his weaknesses? Did he stray from his own wisdom often? Did those close to him see a different side of him, a part that did not follow his own advice? I would imagine so. Why else would he need to re-motivate himself. So often, we know what we should do and yet we don’t do it. This is when we fall from virtue. If I were perfect, I doubt I would need to write about how to strive for perfection. heroicstoic

Knowing what we should do and doing it can be challenging. We should cultivate good eating habits now to avoid health problems down the road, but many of us will not change our diets until we actually have a health issue that is the result of a poor diet. The same can be said for smokers that don't decide to quit until it's effected their health. It's part of our nature to go along doing what feels good and what deadens the bad feelings that we have now, avoiding changes that hurt in the short term but will make us happier in the long term. We can learn everything there is to learn about a subject, but until we use this knowledge in the real world it's pretty worthless. Trial and error is the key. Expecting perfection right from the start will only set you back. Avoidance will only make certain situations worse. Realize where improvement can be made and keep moving forward until that problem is a distant memory. It's hard to be in a good mood when we are struggling with something, so why not take the steps necessary to overcome the struggle? Life is too short to let depression, anxiety, and addiction keep us down.

What Debbie Downer Would Say About 'Keep Calm and Carry On'

The original Keep Calm and Carry On posters were made by the British in 1939 while the world was ramping up for WWII. They were propaganda posters meant to be used in times of crisis or invasion, but were put into reserve and never used. The poster wasn't seen by the public until 50 years later when a copy turned up at a bookstore where it made such an impression on the customers that they started to sell them. 

As popular as it is now, why was the poster never distributed during the war? While the simple slogan resonates with many of us today, when you are actually in a state of stress, there are those who think that the poster is quite contradictory to how the mind works. It's also very hard to keep calm when your entire city block has just been bombed by the Germans. "Oh, all I have to do is keep calm and carry on? Easy enough." Perhaps, the Ministry of Information thought about all of this 60 years ago and this is why it wasn't framed until 2000...

It’s now clear that the poster was the result of a compromise designed to save money for the Exchequer, and that the decision to keep the poster “in reserve” was only taken after the war had begun. So it’s something of an irony that this decision was influenced by a belief that the phrase was “too commonplace to be inspiring” and official fears that “it may even annoy people that we should seem to doubt the steadiness of their nerves”. The Treasury was adamant that the public would “resent having [the message] crammed down their throats at every turn”. - theconversation.com

Why has this meme become so popular that it can be found in homes all across Europe and the United States? Is there an uneasiness about us that needs the same reassuring that the British government thought it's population needed during a possible invasion? If, throughout the day, we need to look at a poster in our homes and offices that say KEEP CALM in bold letters then perhaps we're really as nervous as hell. The popularity of these signs probably has a direct correlation with the rise in mental health issues and in the pharmaceuticals we take in order to tame these modern turbulent brains. 

When it comes to being upset about petty stuff that may cause anxiety and anger, keeping calm isn't a bad thing. It might be a good poster to have in your kitchen when you're about the throw the peanut butter jar across the room because it didn't spread right and tore your bread. However, there will be some things in life that cause you to become emotional to the point where you can't immediately carry on until you know how to. While I've always admired the stoicism of the British, sometimes it's best to sit with a strong feeling of anxiety or righteous anger and see the possible productiveness in it. Perhaps there is a reason why we have hard times. Think of all the passionate projects that have come from emotions that some of us try to suppress. Loved ones are sad to see friends and family members dying of cancer, so foundations are started and money is raised. People are concerned, saddened, and angered by the soldiers coming back from war with missing limbs and brain injuries so the Wounded Warrior Project is started. Someone is anxious about the job they have or not being able to find a job, yet they somehow turn that anxiety into an entrepreneurial excitement that makes them happier in the long run.

Yes, it will be ‘business as usual’ right up to the day when the Son of Man is revealed. - Luke 17:30

Although this meme has a soothing effect on me, sometimes keeping calm is the last thing a person or population must do when they see their economy slowly collapsing and rights being stripped from them. I can see keep calm and carry on being flashed on a neon sign in Times Square 100 years from now in an Orwellian future where camera drones make sure you don't litter. No...make that 20 years from now. Keep Calm and Carry On is great on your wall at home but should never be posted by any government or large corporation.

I remember many people, the day after 9/11, saying "business as usual" - which didn't hit the ear right at the time. It had a lack of concern about it that made me wonder if we'd become a society so consumed with money and comfort that not having a Walgreens open on 9/12/01 would have been an even worse disaster. Of course, if we weren't shopping the next day, that would've meant the terrorist won. Just like I'm wary of using the phrase "business as usual", I never want to see a keep calm poster in a bank after they've just foreclosed on my home or posted by a government after martial law has been declared. As long as it's personal artwork I think it's great, but I can see some candidate in the near future hijacking this slogan. Stay tuned for more uplifting posts like, "How Ebola Will Wipe Us All Out".

First World Labels & Fitting In

Is it fair to label anyone that has any type of social anxiety with a disorder? For instance, if you only get nervous when your put on the spot in a meeting, conference call, or public speaking - does this mean that you have a disorder? If almost everyone else has or had these feelings to some extent, doesn't it mean we all have this disorder but just at different times of our lives or at different levels? The world is a very social place, but the West has made what was once a natural thing into something that can make or break you. There are so many books, organizations, and classes telling us that in order to succeed you should talk this way, use this tone, use this body language, have this expression on your face. It can put you so inside your own head that you are no longer able to have a casual conversation without thinking about whether your hand should be on your hip or at your side.

We've come a long way very quickly from families that lived on farms, had no internet, no phones, no televisions, and no business meetings. Their work and financial well-being wasn't dependent on a title or what people thought about them. So, is it really that odd that we have a lot more socially anxious and depressed people around than there used to be or more than less-developed countries have? Are we too quick to label someone who's dealing with anxiety here and there with a disorder just because they are under a lot of pressure? Of course, the way we think about a situation can blow something trivial and petty out of proportion, but this way of thinking didn't come out of the blue - it had to start somewhere. As a society, while things have gotten much better as far as our physical comforts go, we are growing more and more uncomfortable mentally.While we are all trying figure out what's going on in our heads, it's easy to find a label for just about anything. Maybe it's just an outbreak of anxiety that has taken many forms. 

The meme about first world problems is very fitting, but I'm beginning to think that the mental problems we have can be just as painful or even more painful than some of the physical discomforts of a third world nation (or the problems we used to have before modern convenience). I'm not talking about the petty stuff like, "My maid couldn't come this week." I'm talking about the underlying anxiety and depression that creeps up on us daily. Some days, I'll see some workers paving a parking lot in the heat and think - "they're probably more content than I am sitting in my air conditioned office." At times, I would much rather disconnect myself from the politics of the corporate world where I'm tethered to my cell phone and emails, have to discipline adults about some policy I don't even agree with, and deal with people who are more concerned about the bottom line than the well being of people.

If you enjoy your job, you're very lucky. Maybe we don't know what we've got until it's gone? If we move on to something worse, maybe we will think back and miss the old job and it's all in our attitude about the situation. Someone else could take your place and love the job you hate. Is it crazy to want to go backwards? To some people it is. To some, it means you're weak or have a 'fear of success'. But, is it really the fear of success that is messing with us or the fear of the crap that comes along with it. If you are doing what you love or own your own business this can be much more manageable, but the majority of us are working for an entity that is made up of people that could care less what you think, they just want you to walk the company line. 

Patrice O'Neal made a good point in an old interview about how we've become followers who don't think for ourselves. He was talking about how he forgot to pay his electric bill and a company man came by and said that if he didn't have a check he would have to shut it off right then. Patrice asked him if he would still turn it off if he had a family member, hooked up to machines that kept them alive in his house. The guy simply said it was his job. We've gotten to the point where we just do as we are told and have somehow buried that part of us that can make decisions based on common sense and decency. And we wonder how Hitler got so many people to follow him?

This is why CEO's, Presidents, and a lot of higher level leaders tend to be narcissists. They don't care about other people. They don't care about what "they right thing to do" is. They may pretend that they care or do the right thing in order to make themselves look good, but really they're disconnected. So, are we labeling people that have issues which would keep them from being a narcissistic CEO? Are we labeling people that have some melancholy as crazy people that don't fit in? The world is made up of so many different types of people, but we expect everyone to be on the same page at the same time. The idea that we are all supposed to be a walking billboard for a Dale Carnegie course is insanity to me. Do you really want friends and family that have catch phrases and make sure they creepily lock eyes an entire conversation because it's some trick they learned? Or, do you want people in your life that are real?

Sometimes the labels fit. They probably do help people narrow down the issues they're suffering with so that they can get the right kind of help. We just have to be careful that we don't carry the labels around with us as an excuse to not get better. Just because you are depressed or anxious right this minute doesn't mean you're stuck this way for the rest of your life. Only in rare cases does it mean that you have to be on medication for the rest of your life. So, while a label can be helpful, we mustn't forget the first label we were given - human being. That label comes with enough baggage on its own. As a human being we are very complex. You can be labeled an introvert today and an extrovert a year from now. You can be labeled depressed after your mother dies and a happy person two months from now. You can be labeled anxious today by someone and too easy-going tomorrow by someone else. The brain is a strange organ that changes with input. Can you label your computer stupid because it's output is reflecting bad input? No. It's still the same computer that you've gotten a ton of work done using, it just needs the corrupted files removed. 

The Fear of Being Noticeably Nervous

I remember the moment that this fear of being noticeably nervous started. I was in a history class in junior high and we were supposed to bring in these little newspaper articles about some subject that we would read out loud in front of the class. That day I'd forgotten to bring an article and had to get one from a friend who, for some reason, had an extra. I was in a hurry because I didn't want a bad grade for forgetting the article and perhaps because I didn't want to upset the teacher. He asked questions about the article we read afterwards (from what I can remember) so maybe I knew I wouldn't have the correct answers after only reading it once. But I wasn't extremely nervous about about reading out loud in front of the class. I'd done that many, many times without it being a huge issue. After all, everyone gets a little nervous when they're in the spotlight. Anyway, I'd worked myself up and by the time I got up there my hands and voice were shaking. I didn't think anyone noticed, so I kept reading and I knew from experience that this went away after a little while, but the teacher cut me off and said that I could sit down. So he noticed!? This blew my mind. In a way it was a relief to sit down, but in a way it was way worse than if he'd just let me continue until my nerves calmed. Then I wouldn't have thought that anyone noticed that I was nervous at all and the next time it would be back to not being that big of a deal again. Bad luck, or for a reason - that day has affected me in ways I never would have thought possible. It had a snowball effect.

This was the day that I became aware that others could tell more of what I was feeling inside than I thought possible. Sure, I knew that you could tell when someone was sad, but a little nervous? From then on, the anxiety got worse. Not because of the things I once worried about while giving a speech; like knowing the material and making my points relevant to the audience. Now, I was nervous about other people noticing that I was nervous! So those jitters that usually went away would NOT go away because instead of being able to relax as you go, your mind escalates the fear into a somewhat selfish "everyone notices everything I'm doing" state that makes you feel as if you're in a life or death situation (that feeling right after a car accident).

Being that we are social beings who attract others with characteristics like strength and knowing that someone could see my nervousness or hear it in my voice made me feel weak. "If they see I'm weak then I will be rejected, picked on, and lonely," the voice inside of my head says. Even if I could beat them sparring in a karate class, or even if I was smarter than most in the room - at that moment they've got me. They see where I'm weak and my ego from any success I've had is shattered in an instant. I didn't get the reading out loud nervousness (which I've got control of now) until my freshman year in a high school Civics' class when some thug was staring at me the whole time I was reading for some reason. It was like he was waiting for me to mess up or something. He'd already made some comments before that day that had the effect he was looking for. Needless to say, the sheltered, sensitive, only child with the fragile ego finally snapped and from then on I didn't like being the center of attention at all. How we can let the actions of a few make us miserable for years when they haven't even thought about us is just a matter of how we have programmed our minds.

Like the deodorant commercial with the tag line - "Never let them see you sweat". Well, they can't see me sweat but they can hear it in my voice. On a side note - It also turned into this perfectionism, which is not possible and toxic. What a mess. Maybe I need to master the art of 'not giving a crap' again. Instead of never letting anyone see us sweat, maybe not giving a crap if they do would eliminate the stress that causes the sweating in the first place.

If the only signs of nervousness were sweating under your arms, this would be my miracle cure.

The following quote is about blushing, but can be applied to worrying about others noticing a shaky voice, hands, sweating etc. It's about stopping the internal critical script by not caring if people notice...

"The more a person does not care if he/she blushes, the more the symptom will diminish." - Jonathan Berent

Anxious Parents Make Anxious Kids

I don't know exactly where this need for other's approval started, but it's wreaked havoc on my life.  I was thinking that this started while trying to get my parents approval when I was quite young (which might have some truth to it), but lately I'm thinking it had more to do with the example they set. They were very loving parents. Of course, mistakes were made. Corporal punishment was sometimes the first resort, guilt was a big issue etc. But, without playing the blame game too much, I remember some instances where I feel as if bigger deals were made of normal childish mistakes than was necessary. I did stupid things and sometimes purposely (as all kids do), but I believe my parents already had an ingrained sense of 'approval seeking' that I slowly learned from them. Something that wouldn't have been a big deal in my own mind would later be turned into me having acted like an idiot and embarrassing them, which would of course make me think that I must have something wrong with me, causing shame.

Maybe I was a little nuts. I now know from raising girls that I was "all boy" and quite a handful in comparison. But if they had handled some things a little differently would I (to this day) still be seeking the approval of others by making sure I did everything the way it's supposed to be done, talking in a tone that doesn't offend, and making sure my words are carefully chosen. None of us had perfect parents, so maybe it's just me and my ego. I just remember a few things that were a little off. I'm sure they meant well, seeing to it that I fit in with society etc. They were even quick to defend me on many occasions.

My dad was a cop when I was young, so I think that this created a suspicious streak in him about everything that I was doing as a teenager. If I was five minutes late coming home, he would jump in his car and come looking for me - that type of thing. A lot of that was his own anxiety, thinking I was hit by a train or kidnapped. This was before everyone had cell phones, so there was no way of checking up unless you got to a land line. I remember one time, being in my friends truck and I looked at the clock and seeing that I was ten minutes late freaked me out so much that I had him quickly pull into a store where I could use the phone. My buddy was perplexed when I got back in the truck - "They really make that big a deal out of 10 minutes?" Yeah - they did. I guess the right word would be overprotective.

As far as the whole social anxiety and perfectionism issues - I remember in a karate class I took as a kid, the big thing for your birthday was that the class would chase you around a bit and then give you a smack on the butt. Granted, you could hardly feel it, but the kids would still run. All in good fun right? Well, on the way over to the class one evening my Dad said, "Don't run and make a big deal out of it - just roll over." I hadn't even remembered that it was close to my birthday and that this was the class they would probably do this little ritual in, but he was already preparing me to not make a fool out of him. Of course, I ran 2 or 3 steps anyway and when we got home he told my mom I acted like an idiot. I was in a lot of school plays and took a drama class until about the age of 13. I think their critiques of how I was out of character etc. finally made me give up on that also.

I won't bore you with more of these petty stories, but needless to say I think that their need for approval has rubbed off on me. There is this perfectionist quality that I have in "always showing my best side." I know a lot of teenagers go through this faze of timidness and trying to fit in, but I never really grew out of it. It has gotten better depending on the situation, but to this day I'm very careful to not make a "fool" of myself. In other words, I'm a crappy date for my wife at weddings.

My Body is a Cage - My Mind Holds the Key

I'm living in an age that calls darkness light.

Quotes on Pride and Ego

"People sometimes say their feelings are hurt. But our feelings can't be hurt! It is the ego that hurts - my sense of self, my identity. Our feelings are fine! It is my ego that hurts."

- Tim Keller, The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness

"Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next person. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about." 

- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity