First off, I'd like to clarify something here before we go too far down this rabbit hole of 'there's no hope and people with social anxiety are doomed to a lifetime of misery.' This is simply not the case. Social Anxiety is a mental illness, but not one that is in the same category as Autism or Schizophrenia where you will have to be on medication the rest of your life. Who knows? I'm not an expert on the brain so maybe there is a cure to be found for all mental illness whether it be some therapeutic breakthrough or a magic pill. What I'm saying about SA is - just because you have it now doesn't mean you will have it a year from now. It doesn't mean you will be locked up in your apartment waiting on someone to deliver your food while you progress to agoraphobia.
I know this sounds like such a sunshine and rainbows thing to say to people who are hurting, but answers are out there and it's just a matter of us having the guts to take the actions necessary (along with the right frame of mind) in order to take the necessary steps until we are completely free. I do believe that we can be completely free from this fear of man - whether it's on the phone with someone (like our boss) who we feel intimated by, one on one with strangers, in public around people or situations we're not comfortable with like the classroom. Whether that means you're in sales and you must go to businesses simply to give them your card and a few words, or if you're single and want to approach someone that you find attractive, all the way to giving a speech in front of 25, 50, 100, or 1000 people - there is a remedy.
"Some people might find it interesting that I used to be afraid to speak in public." - Chuck Norris
This is one of the great things about SA. All of the above fears that currently cripple us can become very easy and even exciting for us over time. For those of you, like myself, that suffer from SA - can you imagine a day when you're asked to give a presentation about something you're passionate about and actually looking forward to it? It's certainly possible.
Fear of Man
In business, we need to stop looking at the obstacles we face as sufferers of anxiety as these horrible setbacks or situations to avoid, but rather as opportunities (God given opportunities) to grow. God doesn't want you to be afraid of people.
"When we say, 'Who do you think you are barging in here like that?' we mean, 'You are presumptuous and arrogant to barge in here'. So when God says, 'Who are you that you fear mere men,' he means, 'You are presumptuous and arrogant to be afraid of men'." - John Piper
He wants you to grow our of this fear of man. You weren't born with a fear of man. There were circumstances in your life that caused this to develop. When you were four you'd dance around in front of 10 family members in a cowboy hat wearing just your underwear; so we can't say it's just something we were born with. There are many different things that could account for this SA to develop as we get older. It could be that you had parents that suffered from social anxiety, OCD, or generalized anxiety which caused you to think that the world was judging your every move. It could be the case that it was self-inflicted by your own wrong thinking or through some past drug use. There are a myriad of ways that we could have let this SA seep into our brains. It seems to be a growing mental illness in the west. As a whole, some of the reason for this might have to do with the culture we have created where we think we should look and act like people in magazine ads and television. Where the celebrity has become god, making people more than they really are, which in turn causes an awe of human beings that are just like us but don't seem to be when their heads are 30 feet high on a movie screen.
Religiosity itself and the way that some in a church setting put on mask, afraid to show their true flawed selves, can also make us socially anxious and feel less worthy if we let it. If people removed their mask, if you could see them in their day to day life you'd certainly be reminded there was only one perfect person and none of these people even come close. They have to rely on grace just like the rest of us. Lame excuse, but this is one of the reasons I haven't been to church in years.
Being picked on in school might also carry on into adulthood causing social anxiety especially if you were already socially anxious in high school and some of the taunts were a result of this. Letting the opinions and actions of high-schoolers who ridiculed others because they didn't even like themselves dictate the rest of our lives is very dumb when you think about it.
Be Like Your Barber
Life should be an easy conversation between individuals, no matter our background or what business we are in. Will there be debates and arguments? Of course, but conflict resolution is something I will have to get into later. But I do believe that if businessman acted more like their barbers when talking with clients there would be a lot more trust, success, and a lot less conflict. With an easy going attitude of question and answer and simply getting to know people, the barber is much better at networking than we in the business world are with our planned monologues; making sure we hit all the right key phrases when we are pushing (someone else's) product.
Believe it or not, this is an advantage that the more introverted people in business have over the more extroverted. We like feedback, we enjoy the back and forth of conversation with others. We're not in love with our own voices nor are we only out for what we can gain from relationships. While talking casually, we can usually still get around to all the points we need to make, but it for some reason we don't, we still have an advantage because that client is more likely to remember the honest, down to earth sales person. He or she is more likely to remember the one who seemed to care over the sales person who was fake and selfish.
Introverts and Extroverts
There are introverted people who aren't suffering with social anxiety and when we're finally free from this social anxiety we probably will still be somewhat introverted, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Introverted simply means that you don't have to be the life of the party. Introverts are more contemplative, thinkers that probably do a lot of reading (extroverts are very people oriented which makes them less likely to read because this is a solitary act). Introverts can also get more of a read on people because they are better listeners.
"And some of them, for whatever reason, are natural performers. From childhood, they have wanted nothing more than to display their talents to a crowd. Many of these people are narcissists, of course, and hollowed out in unenviable ways. Where your self-consciousness has become a dying star, theirs has become a wormhole to a parallel universe. They don’t suffer much there, perhaps, but they don’t quite make contact here either. And many natural performers are comfortable only within a certain frame. It is always interesting, for instance, to see a famous actor wracked by fear while accepting an Academy Award. Simply being oneself before an audience can be terrifying even for those who perform for a living." - Sam Harris
Could we live in a world entirely made up of extroverts? Probably not. Let's get real here...some of the loudest and most boastful people we know are also the most insecure. So when we do break free from this shyness we want to do so with the correct attitudes and teachings which make us comfortable in our own skin no matter what the situation, with nothing to prove. Not someone who is out to show the world we're different now, because we are then seeking the praise of others. Seeking praise and being afraid of what people think us go hand in hand.
If we don't get the praise we think we deserve from others, then what? Well, there's a good possibility we may become socially anxious once again because we have gone back to the old trap of making gods out of people. People who take craps daily and pick their nose while sitting in traffic. No matter how educated they may be or what their temporary job titles (and they are all temporary - someone else will inherit every title when one retires, dies or the company they work for goes under) - why do we think of these individuals as someone who is to be feared? It's all a mind game.
People Who Reject and Personal Walls to be Traversed
Here's a quick anecdote from my own life that I can share that goes back to the subject of conquering SA step by step. Like I alluded to earlier, there are these little walls that we must break through each day. We put other people on pedestals because we are worried about what they will think of us. Yes, we live in a social society but we mustn't be afraid to be ousted or alone.
The more we worry they will reject us, the more likely it is 'they' will. Who is this 'they' though? Most likely someone who wouldn't be good for you to be around anyway. People that have a problem with some because they are shy are usually jerks that don't have the time to get to know someone that isn't putting out all of the effort. That means they don't want to really know you, they want to know another person who wears a mask of 'greatness' who they can
use to help them along. The reason I say, a mask of greatness is because no matter how high up someone is in the corporate ladder they could lose their job tomorrow and when they do, the jerks they were trying to impress will all desert them and move on. Like I said, you don't need people like this anyway.
In my new job, I am a manager over a lot of different people and locations (surprise, surprise huh?) How does someone with social anxiety have a leadership title? Well, there is a lot to this, but simply put, people with anxiety tend to be very hard workers and sometimes that's due to bad habits like trying to impress their bosses and others within a company. We must learn to be hard workers without the anxiety of constantly putting on a good show though, because SA and generalized anxiety is certainly not a means to achieve success. You can climb up the ladder only so high with your hard work but with too much anxiety it then becomes a detriment.
In my new position I'm generally good when dealing with the day to day aspects of dealing with employees in person or over the phone and I haven't had to do any public speaking yet but I'm sure that's coming. I'm ok in meetings with 5 or 6 people but that's just because of doing it over and over. A few years ago a meeting 5 or 6 people would've kept me up all night.
As of right now, the issue I'm dealing with is sales. We are trying to get more contracts in our area and like I said, I'm ok with talking to people I somewhat know and in environments that I'm familiar with but as far as walking into a large office building and introducing myself to someone (who most likely already has a lot on their plate) to talk about our business and how we're new in the area etc. has brought out the avoidance behaviors in me I haven't felt in a while. I've never been a big fan of sales people myself so there was also some self loathing going on.
But, it's something that you can get better at with practice just like anything else. Let me just tell you about one 24 hour span. Yesterday, I went to a possible clients building I'd been putting off for weeks. I had no phone number to talk with them ahead of time, wasn't exactly sure where in the building the site manager's office was and whether or not I would even be allowed in without an appointment. I talked to the security guard up front and what a blessing, the guard was someone I'd met before and remembered me so he told me exactly how to get to the site managers office without any fuss. I then proceed to the elevators and up, my heart beating too fast. I see a woman in the office who lets me know the manager himself isn't in but she can help me. I told her my name and what I was there for and noticed that my breathing had become a little shallow and there was a shakiness to my voice which I hate because if you are afraid of what people think of you already, then you don't to come across as this weird nervous guy which HA! makes your voice shake even more. What a mind game. Somewhere in there I try a little honesty for a change and say, "I guess you can tell I'm not really a salesperson." She smiles and it lightens the mood a bit. I'm aware of how it feels to see the nervousness in others. When I give job interviews and they are nervous it also makes me feel a little nervous for them, but this is probably because I completely understand where they are in their mind at the moment so I'm more sympathetic.
Whether she notices the nervousness or not, she acts like she doesn't notice the cues and we talk for just a little while longer. I then give her my card and leave. Now, what I used to do in situations like this was to go back to my car and start beating myself up and making things worse. Sometimes fretting about it for days. But this time, I remind myself things like "she's probably already forgotten you came by and at least you've ended the avoidance and can make progress." This is making my mind more apt
not to avoid any situation like this again and knowing that avoidance is one of the major reasons I'm in this predicament in the first place I keep positive, telling myself this was just one step on a new journey. This was yesterday afternoon.
This morning I got up and told myself that I would go to another site and try again. "I will do this until I get comfortable with it no matter how much it scares and angers me at this point," I think to myself. So, I go straight to another building and ask someone downstairs where the site manager's office is with much more confidence and even a smile. He doesn't know but someone else overhears and tells me right where it is. This time I'm in the elevator feeling a lot less nervous by not letting my imagination run away with me with thoughts some jerk will tell me to get the hell out of his office. As soon as I get off the elevator her desk is right there. I walk up smiling and say what I have to say, give her my card and my voice didn't shake this time. I wasn't completely comfortable, but it was a lot better. This small change happened in a 24 hour span.
Just think of what we can do with years of practice by putting ourselves out there and learning to cope with any possible bad outcome. And, let's face it, the consequences are never as dire as we think they are. So what if someone laughs at us right in our face? It's happened before and it will probably happen again, but guess what? You are still alive and there are still people out there that care about you. Hell, it even happened to Superman in the latest movie. He was picked on for half of the film (from childhood to adulthood) but look how that turned out.
I think this must be why CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) works so well for people. It ends the avoidance pattern and lets you know that you can get better at dealing with whatever it is that you're afraid of. It turns that nervousness from a negative dreadful feeling to the twinge of nervousness or excitement one might get by parachuting from a plane, enjoying the ride, and being so thankful and energized when they land that they want to do it all over again.
Is the lady from the first experience talking to everyone in her office today about the nervous guy that came by yesterday? Probably not, but if she is, I really don't care at this point. We are all human, we all have our quirks. If that is important to her then she has issues of her own. We have to start caring about ourselves and how WE are going to get over all this self-doubt and fear. We have to stop letting others dictate how happy or unhappy we are going to be. When we can truly stop caring what's in the minds of others when it comes to
their negativity we can be free from this fear of people and really live.
Recommended articles -
The Silent Crowd by Sam Harris
The Pride of Being Afraid by John Piper
