Disadvantages Can Improve Your Chance of Success

I found this Malcolm Gladwell interview pretty enlightening. Some of what we see as obstacles cause us to learn a better way or try harder etc. Disadvantage can actually be catalyst for future successes or innovation. Just listen to the names of millionaires with dyslexia that he list. There are so many it almost makes you wonder if being dyslexic is a prerequisite for a certain income.

12 Public Speaking Tips to Become Sturdy Minded

I've done some public speaking recently (twice in two days), which may be a surprise to anyone who's read some of my bleaker posts about this subject in the past. I'm not saying that this is something easy to get over (by no means) or that I'm completely at ease yet myself, but I thought I'd post a few things that have helped me out over the last few days and have made me much more comfortable. It's strange, but right now I'm feeling like I want more practice with it - which is a long way from the days where I would dread the experience from the moment I found out that it was coming until the moment the I was in front of a group.

The more comfortable I get with myself in front of a group, the more I feel as if a weight that I've been carrying half of my life is finally being lifted off of me. I even smiled a few times behind that podium because "It's been a long time coming." How ridiculous that I've let this hinder me for so long. I know that I have a long way to go, but taking these steps of doing and not avoiding (like I used to) has been good for me. I can already tell that the more I do this, the less of a 'big deal' my mind will make out of it. To show you how small I'm starting and how far I have to go - I haven't spoken in front of more than 15 people yet and my comfort level somewhat depends on who is in my small audience. If I know there's a rude or judgmental person there, I'm a little more anxious (which is something I've got to get past). Why let one or two people ruin progress? I've noticed from watching any public speaking, that there are people in the audience that will be judgmental no matter who is up in front of them. These are usually the people that would hate to be up there themselves.

Below is what has helped me and I didn't learn all of this on my own so I'm going to give credit where credit is due...

1. If possible, start speaking in front of 10 to 15 people. Where it's work related you can start by just reading and going over the facts without getting too much into personal stories etc. As you get comfortable that will come later.

2. I know this goes against what all of the public speaking "experts" teach but don't be afraid to make a joke out of your nervousness. The "experts" say you don't want to draw attention to it but if you think they will notice anyway, take the pressure off yourself by being real. They will usually laugh at this if it's done in a certain way. There is usually no reason,while public speaking, to make everything so serious. The more self-effacing and friendly you are, the more likely you'll get warm feelings back towards you. If someone in the audience is jerky enough to take advantage of that; you have the podium (so to speak), so you can shut them down (if even sarcastically).

3. Remember half of your audience isn't listening to you and the other half just hopes you don't call on them.

4. Smile - Smiling changes the brain. When you grin (even a small sly grin) it eases the tension. At least it has been working for me. You don't have to stand up there grinning like the Cheshire cat but every now and then helps the brain snap into a better mood and sense of well-being.

5 Breathing - this has been a biggie for me. I did not realize how much effective breathing can ease the tensions in my body. Here are the breathing videos I recommend (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched at one point)...



6. Realize that some things just can't be fixed with your head. Whether you're reading book after book on the subject but never putting it into practice, or you're backstage trying to think about how special you are because you read it in one of those books - there are some things you can't think yourself out of. Sometimes the best way to fix your head is to get out of your head - see  the videos below for better explanations (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched)...



7. If needed, get with your doctor or psychiatrist about prescriptions that will help with the nerves while you practice and get better at public speaking. If permitted by a physician, perhaps you can taper down the amount taken as you get more comfortable being in front of an audience - up to the point where you no longer find the medication necessary because your brain has rewired itself to see public speaking as something that isn't life threatening or as big of a deal as you once made it. The typical medications a doctor might prescribe would be Xanax or beta-blockers. Of course, it'd be great not to have to use them at all but it depends on how extreme the fear is. If it's to the point where you'd rather drive off into the distance, lose your job, and leave your family behind because your company wants you to give 20 minute speech, then perhaps your psychiatrist can give you something to help you get over that hump. While feeling the fear isn't a bad thing, there's no reason you have to suffer more than the average person does before they do public speaking. Even pets are given sedatives during thunderstorms.

8. When you can, use a podium. I love podiums. You can sort your paperwork out on them, hide those shaky hands you usually get at first. Lean on it for a rest when you want (but they will think you're doing it for effect). Use one when possible. Politicians have it made, besides debates they have a podium and teleprompters to read off of.

9. Don't over-prep. Over-preparing can make you more nervous (it does me). Have some bullet points you'd like to hit and go from there. You don't have to memorize a speech or practice it over and over. That's overkill and it makes being in front of other people as different than other parts of your life. Do you have to practice what you're going to say to your buddy or family members over and over before you talk to them? I know you want to be a little more prepared when you have a message that has to be relayed to a group of people but I'm done with over-prepping and the 'practicing in the mirror' bit.

10. Remember it's not about you, the world doesn't revolve around you. They don't care as much as you think they do. You're actually up there just having a conversation with fellow human beings.

11. Change your Diet for the better - I will get more into this later but I've cut way back on dairy and carbs and I'm feeling a lot calmer. Also, the better shape you're in, the better you'll probably feel in front of a group. Especially if you haven't nailed down that "I don't give a crap what they think" part yet.

12. Last trick I have that is still taking me some time to get a complete grip on - The more you don't care if you appear nervous or that people will notice your blushing, shaky hands, shaky voice etc. - the less nervous you will be. As a result of not caring if they notice, the symptoms are eliminated :). This probably goes hand in hand with #2 on this list. The less you care what others think, the better off you'll be.

"The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think."

You're Angry Because of How You Feel About Yourself

You control your thoughts. No one else can make you think a thought in such a way that it changes the way you want to feel or the way that you will react or behave. It all starts in the mind. Speaking for myself, I find that I'm feeling the most anger against others when I feel down on myself. This proves to me that what others say isn't as effective as I think it is, or the ones doing the provoking aren't as effective as they think they are. Sometimes it's a mix of what was said or done and how I'm currently feeling about myself.

There is a righteous anger when we see or hear about someone who has abused a person or an animal. This anger is in us because it goes against what we have grown into as a civilized society. It goes against a proper mindset in which we protect our weak and innocent. When someone goes beyond the boundaries of what is acceptable, steps must be taken, sometimes steps that result in violence if someone is in immediate danger. We must be a society where men protect the women they see being mugged on our city streets, we must shut down the sexual predators that loom in the darkness, we must be a society that removes the whip from the hands of the sadistic as well as the power from those who wish to take away your basic rights. This is when anger is righteous. Sometimes, if you're not angry, you're asleep.

Going back to the inner struggle that we face when confronted with the less pleasant people or situations; the ones that might cause an unrighteous anger. If we are completely in control of our own minds and thoughts, and we don't like the feeling of being angry or its aftermath, then why in such petty situations (where the anger is not righteous) do we let it erupt in us like a certain green comic book character? I say petty, because most of what we get upset about (in the long run) is quite petty. If they were monumental problems and decisions, then I would know about your problems or you'd know about mine because it would effect more than just a small group (if not just yourself). Not all inconveniences that make us angry are petty, but more than we'd like to admit are.

When someone, say your boss, ask you why you haven't completed a project yet - is it the question that is bad or the way the we let the question make us feel? Of course, it depends on the tone and the attitude in which the question was asked but we still have the control over our own brains.  To paraphrase Tim Keller - "It's not your feelings that are hurt, it is your ego." When your pride is pricked or your ego is hurt, the emotional response is usually anger, sadness, or a mix of both. At first, it may even be a feeling of fear as in - "Oh no, I forgot about that report," but it can turn to anger quickly when your mind responds with - "I've been working on that as fast as I can," or "He/she has no idea how much I have on my plate, no wonder I forgot." So, that initial touch of shame or fear goes to anger, and the anger is now focused on the one who said the thing that hurt us.

You can tell your boss why you're behind on a project and he might understand, but if he continues down the path that hurts your ego, the more your anger will grow and the more likely you will be to retaliate. The key here is to stop and take some deep breaths. I've noticed that when I'm stressed, this is usually the first thing to go. My breathing immediately gets shallow when faced with any type of stress but when I focus on my breathing it calms me tremendously and takes me back to less of a reactionary state and more of a constructive and forgiving state.

Another thing that I try to remember, because it usually comes out in the conversation eventually, is that your boss is a human just like you are. In other words, if your ego being hurt or feeling down on yourself can cause you to become angry then if he or she is angry, aren't they coming from a similar place of fear or uncertainty about themselves? Every boss has a boss in some way or another, even if that boss if the financial stability that they've grown to worship. If the financial stability or excess is threatened, then they take these little hits to their pride and ego which in turn makes them a little down on themselves, which causes them to be occasionally angry when they feel that you or another employee has threatened it. Let's also be clear that nine times out of ten it isn't personal. It doesn't matter who the person is that has hurt their ego or who the person is that hurt your ego (either directly or indirectly), that will be the person that the anger is directed towards. You're not angry at them because of the way they look, you're angry because your ego was hurt and you're feeling down on yourself, perhaps because of some past emotional baggage.

50 Shades of Manipulation

I haven't read the book, but I find it very strange that we are currently celebrating the best-selling novel and soon to be movie "50 Shades of Grey" which contains violent sex, while at the same time we have football players saying 'no more' when it comes to violence against women. I'm assuming it is consensual in the book, but considering the mindset of the modern male and the growing number of them already in the hooks of porn addiction, should we really add something to our culture that makes this type of behavior not just acceptable, but fashionable? Having millions of women anxiously awaiting the premier of a movie about a handsome millionaire who's into violent sex might send the wrong message to that weird accountant who has a girlfriend who's too afraid to tell him 'no' when he talks about doing what they saw in the movie or read in the book. So, we have what appears to be consensual sex, but in her mind it isn't consensual at all. He's used the popularity of "50 Shades..." to make her feel as if it isn't that big of a deal. Sorry, but raising a daughter in a culture where so many men see women as objects is scary enough without women, themselves, making this "acceptable" in some way.

On the other hand, it usually doesn't work both ways. Remember all of the women in their 40's being Team Jacob or Team Edward during the Twilight craze? I doubt that would have worked with a bunch of forty-year-old men holding signs outside of movie theaters proclaiming their love of one teenage girl over another.

Still, are we not to think that the popularity of "50 Shades" is going to make some very strange men think - "if they like the book so much, then they must like the content"? In other words, these sickos will think that violent sex is now ok because it has made it to the mainstream and the main character Christian Grey is cool...right? I'm not saying it will cause an increase in rape, but perhaps there will be men out there who will think this is acceptable to all women just because they made a book popular? Please let me know if I'm speaking out of turn here. Being a guy I've never read the book, so for all I know he turns out to be the bad guy in the end. It just seems like male lead is being glorified for his perversions (from what I've seen so far). Sadomasochism isn't necessarily anger as much as it is fetishistic behavior, but there are some angry people out there that can use it as an outlet for their rage. Just to reiterate, my fear is that it will be expected - just like so many men now expect their girlfriends and wives to act like unnatural porn stars in the bedroom.