How to Surprise a Manipulator

Odds are, if you can put yourself into the category of being a people-pleaser, pushover, or a doormat (even on ocasion) then you've dealt with a lot of narcissistic and manipulative people in your lifetime. People that enjoy bullying or using manipulative behavior to get what they want are usually drawn to these personality types because these are the people that they have power over - these are the people that they get their strength from (like emotional vampires). If it weren't for people that let them get away with it, these people would be nobodies. People would simply call them out each time they tried their bullying and they would hold no positions of power. Their shaming, anger, and flattery would all be in vain.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. " - Eleanor Roosevelt

Any day now, a people-pleaser could wake up and say, "You know what? This is BS. I don't deserve this." So, if you're the type of person that uses people, don't be surprised when an individual or group has finally had enough of you. That will be the day when the manipulation stops, because you cannot control someone who doesn't give you control. It doesn't mean that the bullied needs to rise up and become the bully or that, if you are the one being manipulated, you have to get emotional, call them up and curse them out right this minute. All that it means is their tactics won't work on you anymore like they used to. The good thing about this is that the manipulator will see this change soon enough. It won't take them long to realize they've lost control. If they see that your emotional well-being no longer depends on their mood or what they say, then not only will they move on to an easier target, but you're essentially free.

I remember when I was a kid and I asked my parents why there were homeless people and the reply was - "It's usually because they can't work for other people." In other words, the ego of the homeless did not allow them to follow rules or "play the game"? Of course, I now know there are a myriad of reasons a person might become homeless - substance abuse, severe mental disorders etc. Maybe there is some grain of truth to what my parents said, but if you're truly miserable working for an insane person and you've decided to stand your ground for the sake of your sanity, then I don't see how this can be a bad thing.

Now, if you're working for someone that has good days and bad days like the rest of us, but doesn't ever take it out on you personally, then maybe you're being to sensitive. Just because you're boss doesn't greet you at the door because he's busy with something else doesn't mean he's out to get you. What I'm talking about here are the complete narcissist that expect their employees to be doormats. The type that enjoy the small power trip they gets out of making others feel bad.

Narcissists and manipulators may even come across as nice people. Notice I don't say good people, because there is an underlying quality to them that we can't ignore - something that you can feel. They will use a kind word or flattery every now and again to make us more supple, easier to mold, and more likely to bend to their wishes. They usually go from one extreme to the other, always keeping those that have to deal with them guessing what kind of mood they will be in. It's a pretty sick game.

There is a scene in "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (David Fincher's version) where the bad guy, Vanger, asks his victim to come in for a drink. Now, Blomkvist (the potential victim) has already figured out that Vanger is a psychopathic killer, but he still goes back inside the house for a drink knowing that it probably won't end well. We will actually put ourselves in danger to "not offend." Criminals, bullies, and manipulators use this against people everyday.

After Vanger has Blomkvist captive, he goes into this little speech that shows how our fear of coming across as impolite can make us do idiotic things, even when our gut is saying "run" or "fight" -

Let me ask you something. Why don't people trust their instincts? They sense something is wrong, someone is walking too close behind them. You knew something was wrong, but you came back into the house. Did I force you? Did I drag you in? No. All I had to do was offer you a drink. It's hard to believe that fear of offending me is stronger than the fear of pain, but you know what? It is. And they always come willingly, and they sit there, they know its all over, just like you do. But somehow they still think that they have a chance, maybe if I say the right thing, maybe if I'm polite, if I cry, if I beg. And when I see their hope draining from their face, like it is from yours right now, I can feel myself getting hard. But you know, we're not that different, you and I. Both have urges. Satisfying mine requires more towels.

The best thing that we can do for ourselves and for our children is to let them trust their gut instead of always insisting on politeness. Sometimes parents go too far with "respect your elders" or teaching a respect for people in authority (that shouldn't even be in a position of authority). We must watch out for people who will use this willingness to please against us. Charismatic cult leaders are notorious for this type of manipulation which causes group thinking and subservient behavior.

You're an adult. There are no "rules" in what your reply has to be and in which tone of voice you use when speaking to someone. There are ways to make people feel welcome that you enjoy talking to and a sense of common courtesy that we have (even with strangers), but it is still because you've decided that this is the correct behavior for that situation. Of course, we always start by treating people as we would want to be treated, but if they don't return the favor and for some reason feel the need to target you, it must be nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand. If they're sick enough to see kindness as a weakness that they can exploit, you must be more assertive with that individual before they get the idea you're an easy target. Even the stoics, who did their best to keep drama out of their lives, went to war with people when they had to.

In relationships, a manipulative or more controlling spouse/partner will sometimes use tactics they would never try on anyone else. If you've done something wrong, they may use guilt and shame to make you feel as if you have to fawn over. feel pity for, and fear their wrath in order to get back in their good graces - as if the guilt and shame you're feeling isn't enough. Every argument isn't because whoever you're dating or are married to is a narcissist. You can tell that you're with a true manipulator when you can see that they don't care about you personally; they will get what they want by any means necessary, even if that means you're crying at 3 am while they're sleeping like a baby.

Your spouse may have even gotten over whatever it is that you think was so bad, but they can't let you know that or they lose the upper hand. The real bad ones consciously know what they're doing and will even gloat about it to others. You see this sometimes in couples where the one being manipulated or verbally abused feels like they deserve it. Even if you are the one that originally broke the trust and have apologized repeatedly and have made an effort to stay with that person because you've seen the error in your ways - for them to use it against you and to make you feel like dirt is no way to live. Counseling would be a good idea here, because the counselor will be less likely to let them to get away with this behavior.  No one is perfect. You are not your mistakes. To hold a mistake against someone to the point where it becomes cruel is worse than ending the relationship completely.

I will admit, a lot of this is very situational considering the restraint that I've suggested in earlier post. Sometimes keeping your cool, especially when others are watching, makes the manipulator look ridiculous, which can work in your favor. But in this post, when we're dealing with someone that is possibly verbally abusive or has rejected you as a human being with feelings, then "keeping your cool" is usually the result of the fear of confrontation or offending. When dealing with a true narcissist, you don't have to over analyze it to the point where you feel sorry for them. You'll find that this is very common in the corporate world. You may bring up what's happening with this particular boss or co-worker and they are defended with, "he/she really does have a good heart, they just don't know how to get their point across."

Sometimes we even feel sorry for someone who is mean because we assume they must have other issues going on in their lives. We assume they have a good heart in there somewhere. Don't forget that even though this may be true, you have a good heart too and they are currently trying to take advantage of that. These are the times when you have to think about yourself. I know that it's not good to focus on ourselves at all times, and that it can backfire to be overly self-consumed, but sometimes what's best for you at the moment is to fight against the social norm and be a little aggressive without allowing yourself to become overly emotional. If you become too emotional when sticking up for yourself then they still have an advantage. I realize that this is easier said than done, especially when it is a situation that has been going on for awhile and you have a lot of feelings that are bottled up. They might not have gotten to you in the way that they intended but they still got to you if you are just as upset as you would have been before you decided to assert yourself.

All of that respect that you were taught that you had to give throughout your childhood and in high school is done. In reality - You don't have to do anything. People use this "logic" that we were taught against us every day. If you pay close attention to the words of those around us, be it the media, family, friends, or co-workers you will hear these little catch phrases that they use to get people to think as they do. Commentators on the news will even say, "What people have to realize..." or a boss might say, "what you need to do..." Yes, sometimes they are right and what they're saying might be helpful, but sometimes they are dead wrong. Do people really go to see Lady Gaga so that she can give a 20 minute rant on who they have to accept and what their political views should be? No, but give someone a little power and they feel like they can teach you something because they are more evolved, smarter, or above you.

You deserve respect no matter how little you think you deserve it. You deserve it starting today. You don't have to wait until you're seventy. Being nice to people is a good thing, but letting people bulldoze you because they think you're weak is something that only you can stop. Most of the time, if money weren't involved, half of the disrespect that we take would be ended very quickly but we have bills to pay so we keep taking their crap. This is very common. Almost everyone has had to deal with a narcissistic and manipulative boss. The manipulators of the world are fighting the ones that have dismissed or have fought back by labeling them as sensitive or lazy when they are called out on their bad behavior. Here is an example of what is given to people in corporations (as a "joke") when they complain about being treated badly...

Yes, there are people that will blow anything out of proportion, but instead of trying to see a little bit of truth in the employees point of view, there is this automatic - "People these days don't know what work is." Actually, I think there is still a strong work ethic. People have stood up for themselves since the beginning of time. Maybe it's the bosses of the world that have become more sensitive? Maybe they are the ones who have let their egos get out of control to the point that they've had to label the employee as the sensitive one when they can't believe that they aren't getting away with talking to people however they want. Other employees that hang on their every word like they are something special and put up with their nonsense can be enablers that make it harder on the group as a whole. It's much better when there is more than one person that stands up for themselves, but it usually starts with one brave soul.

So, how do you surprise a narcissists or a manipulator? You simply don't do what you have always done. You cut them off before they get too far and make your boundaries known. If necessary, you talk to them as you would a spoiled child. You let them know (in some way) that what they have been getting away with isn't acceptable. At first they might switch tactics - becoming angry or throwing a temper tantrum because they can't believe that you're actually standing up for yourself. This is a good point in the conversation where you want to keep strong and find a little humor their behavior.

When they see that none of the old tricks work on you, they will move on to someone that they can control. Manipulative people are usually weaker than they put on (or they wouldn't have to constantly throw their weight around). They are so used to getting their ego boosted by the "sly" tactics they use that when it fails, they either leave you alone, treat you differently, or (if it's a work situation) find a way to remove you from the company. Hopefully, there are leaders within the company that have enough reasoning to see that you don't deserve to be fired for sticking up for yourself. If not, do you really want to stay there anyway?

If a manipulator has somehow learned their lesson, then you can rightfully forgive them and move on from there. No need for a lot of drama. It's over and now the boundaries have been set. There are different ways of handling these types of people, but all of them should end with the bully knowing they are messing with the wrong person, even if you can do so without saying a word.

Other useful info on people pleasing, being addicted to the approval of others, and dealing with narcissists....
spartanlifecoach

A Pure Freedom

One of the greatest freedoms that we can attain is to be free from worrying about the opinions of others. It's not a freedom from responsibility, a financial freedom, or a freedom from anything physical like prison. It's a mental freedom that few in this world have. No matter what your situation, it is a freedom that can still be attained. It's to truly not care what anyone thinks of you. A lot of what we fear in this life stems from this issue. On the list of fears that people have, the fear of public speaking ranks higher than death. So, though there are other things that we fear in this life, the fear of rejection from our fellow man is the biggie.

Now, there are questions that I sometimes mull over about this subject. How would society handle it if people really had this freedom? Would the crime rate skyrocket? Would marriages and other relationships fall apart? Would people stop wearing clothes and taking care of themselves? Is there a consequence in truly not caring what others think about us (whether it be good or bad) that would keep people from caring for others?

If people lost the fear of looking bad in front of others and the need for the approval, would they be less likely to donate to charity, feed the hungry, or care for the elderly and sick? This could happen to a very small extent, at least at first. Most of us do good without the need of a plaque showing how much we donated or a pat on the back from our friends, but there are some that wouldn't donate to a charity if it didn't further their popularity or influence in some way. Of course, there are some that do good and accolades are the result without them asking for it, but there are some that will talk for hours about the good they do (how they are saving the environment by driving a Prius, how they bring groceries to the needy every weekend, or how much they donated to some charity). It is much better for others to brag on you, without you ever knowing it, than for you to brag on yourself and hear the approval first-hand. You see a lot of politicians running for office making a show of their good deeds.

“Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others." - Matthew 6:2

Will people still do good without the praise of others? Of course, it happens everyday. People who help others without boasting about it find it even more satisfying, so this will continue. People who leave giant tips don't hang around to see if the waiter or waitress will thank them. They leave the restaurant feeling good for having done a random act of kindness without needing the ego boost of someone telling them how great they are. So, that means to truly not care what others think will not put a halt to the goodness that is done, but may even make it more likely due to a lack of feeling like they have to compete with others. There can be a sense of why try if you are comparing your donations and time to the likes Bill Gates and Bono. But if you're not doing it for kudos or out of competitiveness then you will still give what you can, no matter how meager. A lot of charities take advantage of our competitive nature and it works for them, at least until the next new fad or hip cause comes along.

The ice bucket challenge to help raise money for ALS is a good thing and has raised a ton of money, but there is an element of 'look at me' to it. It just depends on that individual's personal agenda. Celebrities could just as well give a few million without posting a video. If they are posting a video of themselves being doused with ice water to further the cause, that's great. If they're doing it to be on TV and don't even donate, then it's not helping anyone or anything but their image. How it helps their image I don't know - it's really not as funny as they think it is. But hey, whatever works, if you can make money for a good cause by giving celebrities a way to boost their hits on YouTube, then go for it. Use their need for approval.

Will the crime rate get worse if people truly don't care about what other people think? I would never advocate something that would cause a societal breakdown. Like I mentioned before, truly not caring about the opinions of others doesn't mean that you have to become a bad person who doesn't care about the well being of the people around them or society as a whole. Shame and embarrassment, being of the same ilk are still two different things. Being a logical person means that you still feel guilt and shame when you do something that you know is wrong. Not caring about the petty thoughts that people have of your looks or how you talk etc. doesn't mean that you will lose any moral standards that you'd set for yourself. It means that you can rationally understand that what flashes through another person's mind should have no effect on your well being.

Greatness cannot be achieved if you've pleased everyone. If even those who do evil respect you then you are doing something wrong. If you get a call from someone asking you to do a robbery with them, you wouldn't say yes so that you don't upset them. You look at the big picture and what's best for the whole. So, knowing that you can't please everyone, you don't go to England and speak with an English accent just in case they don't like Americans, you don't start gossip because someone you know at work likes to gossip etc. This is already something that we know. We aren't going to be liked and praised by all. So you do the right thing, you're kind, you forgive. You already do these things even though it's not always the popular thing to do, so how would the world go into chaos or how would crime be out of control if we stopped caring what other's think about us?

If you're a good person, not caring about what others think is a good thing, but what about the people that are just bad? The ones who only do what is right so that they don't get in trouble or only do what is admirable so that they will look good to others? These are the same people that would rob a bank if they knew they wouldn't get caught. This is the same boss that would call you every name in the book if he knew that he wouldn't lose his job over it. These are the same teenagers who join gangs to fit in. These people are kept in check by the rules and laws of society whether they care what other people think about them or not. Not caring what others think doesn't mean that we throw out law and the enforcement of it. Not caring what others think means that we can be free from these people that mean to do harm and perhaps help them to truly change. They will no longer effect our moods like they once did so we will be able to see the weakness in their actions like never before.

We would also be more likely to stand up against these bullies. So many join the oppressors of the world because they are simply pick the side with the most people, the side that will make sure their job is secure, or where they feel the most accepted. If people stopped feeling the need to fit in, they would be more likely to fight for what is right even if it's much "cooler" to be on the wrong side. If people truly stopped caring what others think about them, how many would be less likely to drink and drive, join a cult, pick fights because someone hurt their pride? When you can truly think for yourself, you will find that people will be attracted to this quality of being independent from the opinions and talk of others and they will join you. You don't even have to return evil for evil, just the fact that you did what was right without caring what others thought makes you different, a potential leader, and even more approachable. Losing the fear of not fitting in would most likely lower the crime rate.

If people truly stopped caring what others thought of them would they be more or less likely to do things that are just plain dumb, but not illegal? This is the trickiest one because we are going back to character here, but without the bigger consequences like imprisonment. For instance, to truly not care what anyone thinks would you be more or less likely to cheat on your spouse? For some, maybe this would happen, but given the opportunity they would have done so with or without the fear of other people's opinions. If you care about your spouse you will be less likely to cheat, no matter how tempting it may be. Like I said earlier, feeling shame and guilt for doing something wrong isn't the same thing as caring about what other people think about you as a person. To not be swayed by the thoughts of others might even make you less likely to cheat because you will not feel trapped in your relationship or be told by someone that you can do better and believe it without question. You won't be made to feel "special" by the potential man or woman that is trying to pull you out of your marriage because you are secure in yourself and what your principles are. To be made to feel "special" can be used to make you do a lot of things that you know you shouldn't do. This is why it's important to not be moved by good or bad opinions.

The real question is, how much do you care for other people? This is not the same thing as not caring what their opinion of you is. You can still care for other people without caring what people think of you? We all want our kids to respect us, but sometimes we have to be the bad guy in order to protect them. Being popular is not the priority if you want what's best for your children and most parents know this. In the end, most children respect good parents, even if it takes years. However, how much respect will they have for the parents that wanted their approval when they were young and by doing so let them make horrible decisions in their youth?

A lot of how we care about people comes from our ability to set a good example. If you care for your kids, you won't dance on a table in a restaurant while everyone looks on in horror. To restrain yourself from doing this doesn't mean you are repressed by the societal norm or that you are too worried about what other people think - it means that you are not a psychopath. To have no impulse control isn't the same as the mental capacity of not being afraid of people's thoughts and what they might say about us.

We learn that it's not okay to do whatever we feel like doing by the age of three or four. Sometimes a teacher or parent may go too far and we wind end feeling stupid for simply dropping our spoon, but as far as just doing what is unacceptable in the culture that you live in - whether it's legal or not, we do these things to keep the peace and to treat others how we would like to be treated. So, if your in some strange restaurant that encourages people to dance on the table, go for it if you feel inclined but it doesn't mean that you have reached some new level of consciousness where you're unable to feel embarrassment. If the consequence is that your family is embarrassed by your actions, and these actions were out of line, then you're in the wrong. If they are embarrassed by your actions, but these actions were something that was right (like sticking up for someone you see being bullied) let them be embarrassed.

"How are we constituted by Nature? To be free, to be noble, to be modest (for what other living thing is capable of blushing, or of feeling the impression of shame?)" - Epictetus

You still do what is right and care for other people (not on behalf of receiving praise, because sometimes you will be berated for doing so, but for the responsibility you have to yourself and others). You do what is right because you have the gift of being able to step back and truly be free to choose what the best course of action is without the negative signals or prodding from others. If blaring "The Imperial March" every time your boss walks into the room will get you fired, doing what's best for yourself and your family would probably be not to blare it, no matter how fun it would be. Not caring what other's think doesn't mean that you stop caring for other people or disregard what God expects you to do while you're here. Is there a selfishness to not caring about the opinions of others? No. It's more of a selflessness. It means you're not thinking about yourself all of the time. When you can let go of people's opinions, gossip and the fear of backlash, then you can truly make a difference in the world.

Will it piss some people off that you don't care what they think and that they can no longer control you? Yes, most likely it will piss some people off, but what do you care? The people that care about you for who you are will be there regardless. This doesn't mean you don't have to show up for work or pay your taxes. It means that you're not going to be a follower and go out to a bar every night with co-workers because that's what they do. It means you don't change the way you talk depending on the group you are with at the time. It means that you can read your Bible at a Starbucks without fearing that people will think you're self-righteous. It means that people can't control who you are and what you're goals are. It means they can't make you feel dumb when you ask a question, they can't make you fear their rejection, and they can't get away with talking down to you like they used to because they can tell in your tone that it's no longer effective.

Stoicism and Christianity

"If thy faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small." - Proverbs 24:10

There is a question that has been asked more and more lately with the rise in popularity of Stoic Philosophy - Can you be both a Stoic and a Christian? To me, with my limited knowledge of Stoicism, this seems quite possible. Avoiding a label that may be considered contradictory, I consider myself to be Christian with a great interest in Stoicism and I do see how it can help us become more ethical, thoughtful, and less emotionally led people. It's a philosophy which invites the student to face their problems head on, which I've rarely done up to this point in my life. Stoic Philosophy is simple, yet intriguing and complex all at once - quite similar to the Bible and the writings of the Apostle Paul.

My first introduction into Stoicism was an article written by Ryan Holiday, which made me want to learn more. Shortly after, I read his book "The Obstacle Is the Way," a book that I can highly recommend. This made me want to delve further into Stoicism and read the Stoics themselves. I watched some videos on Stoicism that were posted on YouTube and felt I was being led down the right path after watching a Ted Talk by Jules Evans entitled "How Philosophy Can Save Your Life."  It dealt with mental disorders like social anxiety and showed me how philosophy has benefited those with similar experiences to my own.

I can't say that I'm a card-carrying Stoic yet. The label probably wouldn't fit, considering I've only read Aurelius and some Epictetus, without much practice in the real world. If you look at Stoicism as a philosophy of growth, and not the be-all, end-all to the inner workings of the human condition, then I think there is a lot that can be learned by studying these philosophers.

Going back to the original question - this podcast from the Painted Porch is a good place to start on the subject of Christianity and Stoicism. Pastor Michael Jones, who considers himself a Stoic, talks about some of the teachings that Christians have to be somewhat careful of. He discusses how Stoicism has the inclination of only teaching a person to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps," while the Christian lives life under the power of God, not just by our power alone.

I agree with the Pastor that it's hard to believe that Paul wasn't influenced by the Stoics in some way when you read the New Testament. One of the reasons that this blog has the title "The Stoic's Helmet" is because of a link between Stoicism and Christianity that I'd found on my own. Paul talks of putting on the armor of God - the helmet and the sword being the word of God...

"Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." - Ephesians 6:17

If God has created us to be creative, surely there is some of His influence in the writings of the Stoics. I may be way off base here, but maybe Stoicism was meant to influence Paul, who wrote most of the New Testament; a series of letters to the Church which still defines Christianity as we now know it.

Pastor Jones also says that, "Christians don't stand before God on our own merits but on the merits of Christ. The self-reliance of Stoicism can be a danger." I think that this is true, we have to be a bit more discerning as Christians who study the Stoics.

All in all, after listening to the podcast I would consider it just as possible for a Christian to be a Stoic as it is for an atheist to be a Stoic, considering that most of the Stoics were neither, being raised Pagan. Stoic Philosophy and Christianity both have a beauty that I find accessible and enlightening. No matter how the world changes around us, we're still the same contemplative beings, with our own difficulties and questions, that lived and died 2000 years ago.

Trying to Prove Something and the Need to Impress

"I try to keep in my mind the simple question: Am I trying to do good or make myself look good? Too many of our responsibilities get added to our plate when we are trying to please people, impress people, prove ourselves, acquire power, increase our prestige. All those motivations are about looking good more than doing good." - Kevin De Young 

I have had a problem with feeling that I have something to prove and a need to impress. When I have these feelings I need to remember that I'm coming from a place where I'm worried about what others think about me. If I wasn't worried about other's opinions then I wouldn't have anything to prove. I would just do the best I could do at what I was passionate about doing and let the work speak for itself; regardless of my need for compliments. Who am I trying to impress and why? Even if I do impress them, what difference does it make if I'm not happy? If I impress someone with the amount of money that I can make, but I'm miserable while I'm making the money, then the only benefit that I received was financial security. Having money can be a good thing, but not if I'm still miserable after I've made it. Who knows if the money's going to last?  There is nothing for sure, not even life itself. Few are satisfied with their finances, no matter how enviable it may seem to others. Enough is rarely enough.

Who are you trying to impress? Is it your parents, your wife, your kids, your friends, your co-workers? When you think about it, isn't it strange that no matter what age you are, you want to show off your new toys to a parent? Whether it's a car, a new iPad, or a movie that you think they should watch - we always want to see there reaction. If your dad is a redneck and he thinks it's funny you bought a Civic, or if your dad is an environmentalist and he's upset that you bought a Ford F250, should you care at 35 years old? Not really, but most of us still do. Parents are just one example, we get pulled in all directions by the opinions of others.

Speaking for myself, I can see a lot of times in my life where I'd made decisions based on the opinions of what others thought was best for me instead of what I thought was best. Sometimes, they saw something in me that maybe I didn't see and it worked out for the best. For instance, maybe your wife doesn't see you owning a landscaping company because you can't stand to mow the lawn at your own house. She's not taking your "dream" from you, but just trying to steer you clear of some misery further down the road. This is a good thing, but there are a lot of decisions that were clearly from the mind of someone else, that if I'd done what my gut told me instead of trying to please or impress, I'd probably be on a much better path.

There were jobs that I stayed at too long and should have quit sooner, jobs that I didn't take, or stay at long enough. There were things that I should have said that I didn't, and things that I shouldn't have said that I did.  I've made a lot of decisions because someone told me it was something I needed to do or not do, even when it went against my best interest. There were times when I should have been exercising and eating right that I didn't because someone had better plans for my day. I'm sure there are a lot of regrettable tattoos from trying to impress someone else also.

When I'm trying to impress or prove something I also find that, not only am I more susceptible to what other people think I should be doing, but that I also have much thinner skin. When I'm trying to prove myself, everything that is said about how I should have done something I take as an insult. Maybe they're joking or making a suggestion, but it feels like they are attacking my worth as a human being. Being defensive and letting myself get upset about these things only shows them how thin skinned that I am and that I am even more malleable than expected. When we lack the ability to maintain an even keel, we show others that if they want something, all they have to do is make us feel good with flattery or make us feel bad with guilt or self-loathing. These are also the typical tricks of a pushy salesman.

Don't hand over the control of your emotions to whatever comes out of other people's mouths. If you do and they are the type to take advantage, then you're in for a long ride. They will learn that when they need you to say 'yes' to something that you would like to say 'no' to, you are swayed with an eager to impress, fear of rejection, or a dread of upsetting others.

Not to say that we should be selfish with our time, just reasonable. If you are working on something less important and your boss needs a report or answer to an email that could cost the company money, by all means, we should drop what we are doing and handle it. That's part of having a job. If you think you shouldn't have to answer to anyone then you should find a way to work for yourself. In the meantime, it wouldn't make sense to keep working on the project that isn't due until the end of the year just because you're not in the mood to answer an email, unless you don't care about job security at all.

Now, if you are already working on three different things that's due within the hour and something else is dumped on you while a co-worker has nothing to do, you might want to suggest some delegation. This happens sometimes when management sees that you're a hard worker. They can take advantage of those who do good work, sometimes unconsciously, because you get the job done faster and get it done right. It can be frustrating because it give people that aren't good workers a lot of leeway and less responsibility, sometimes for the same pay. In some cases, it's because the other worker gives them flack every time they are asked to do something so they always come to you first, instead of making waves and insisting that the lazier co-worker do their job. It's similar to the saying "the squeaky wheel gets the oil," but in this case, it's more like the "squeaky wheel gets less work." In situations like this, you have to notice where the work isn't balanced and speak up. Killing yourself to prove your worth or to prove that others aren't as good as you will eventually lead to burn out. Believe me, I've been there. It's like spinning plates. You can only keep it up for so long.

So, the next time someone has a different opinion of me, a better way of doing something, or some comment on what my next step should be - I'm going to try to listen without a quick answer, think if there is something productive there, and then consider what would best for me to reach my goals without burning out before I do. Better yet, some prayer would be helpful in these situations. Sometimes the "I did it my way," steps that we take are not the best. People can have some pretty crazy needs and we can see this with the divorce rate and ridiculous spending to the point of bankruptcy on cars and houses that we can't afford, but think we deserve. God's plan is even better than the one you have for yourself. 

There are a lot of people in this country who only stop when they are asleep. Is this the life that they really wanted to live, the life that they would've chosen for themselves? When they were kids did they ever think that they would so value the opinion of someone that has "authority" over them and value money so much that they would sell their souls? I doubt that many of us fantasized about being worked to the bone, retire with a modest amount of money, and die in a nursing home. All that work, but in 50 years few will know you even existed? Why live by the opinions of what others think you should do if that's the final outcome? It happens everyday, work at a job you hate, retire, and die without even trying to pursue something you were passionate about. My dad always wanted to be a history teacher and a cartoonist. It never happened because he found a good paying job that he became stuck in. He didn't enjoy his job, but they paid just well enough that it kept him from pursuing his real passions. He got his degree to teach history, and the company he was with just paid him a little more to keep him there. I can't say that I wouldn't do the same thing. We never wanted for anything, but I'm sure there are a lot of "what ifs?" floating around in his head. He was very gifted artistically. He might have made more money in the long run doing that? He's passionate about history. Maybe he could have written something? Better to have tried and failed than to regret not trying. Not to say he's a miserable person, but I'm sure the way things turned out wasn't his dream.

There are people out there that love their jobs. It's not something that is beyond reach. Yes, society needs garbage men and janitors, but it needs garbage men and janitors that enjoy what they do. If you're doing something that is making you miserable because that is what is expected by the other people in your little world, then you will be on your deathbed looking back at a lot of meaningless and wasted time.

There are going to be people in all walks of life that are going to be competitive with you. If you're the new guy with a company, there will be those that will want to see you succeed and there will be those that want to see you fail. The ones that want to see you fail are usually not having these thoughts because they don't like you, it's usually because they're simply selfish and want to be at the top of the ladder. If they see you succeed, you are an obstacle in their way. If it works out that you are doing something better than they can, or you're working harder than they do, then they will find ways to throw you under the bus when something goes wrong or try to get others to think negatively of you. This selfishness will usually come back to bite them, but in the off-chance that it doesn't these are the kind of people at the top of the ladder that when they are finally fired, everyone goes out for drinks and has a good laugh. Dealing with these types can be difficult, but if we stoop to their level we're no better than they are. I know it's very tempting, but we have to try to stay out of the office politics and gossip as much as possible. People notice this. If they don't like trait you have, they're trouble. If they appreciate it, then you've gained respect. Either way, it doesn't matter what others think - staying out of these petty conflicts and backstabbing will make you happier and less stressed in the long run.

The constant need for approval, trying to impress, and worrying about what others think of you is a mental prison that can make you feel like you are in a physical one. Sometimes we think of worse case scenarios and it usually does involve some type of rejection. It's a hard habit to break. When you surrender to being yourself regardless and let the chips fall where they may you'll notice your fear of what people think is diminished. Each day that we spend being miserable with our circumstances, there is someone else out there, who with a lot of prayer and thought, has come to a place in their lives where they are exactly where they're supposed to be. They get up every morning and it feels like a Saturday. This is hard for me to imagine right now, but to know that it is possible triggers thoughts that take me out of my mental prison and makes me want to be braver, more apt to take chances towards a goal, and more reliant on the fact that God has a plan that always works out for the best, no matter what it seems like right now or what roadblocks I may face in the future.

More Pride than Superman

"To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge."

Benjamin Disraeli

I think that a little bit of the ranting from the last post has to do with what I'm seeing in our culture more and more lately, but also something that is pointless to be upset about. There are some little nuggets of humor and truth there that keeps me from deleting the post, but when I step back and read it impartially there are some obvious errors in this type of 'woe is me' thinking. There is some pride there - to think that if I were in another situation that I would not act like those I condemn is presumptuous.

The reason that it is pointless to become angry about the actions of others is because there is a reason for everything. Everyone, no matter how untouchable they seem, will be knocked off of their pedestal some day. When you are in the moment of being bullied or taken advantage of, it seems pointless and degrading but there is a reason for it, no matter how incomprehensible it seems. Sometimes I can have a sourness and be upset about the journey, but it really isn't healthy. We feel like we deserve better and don't have the patience to grow into who we are meant to be. It's a quick fix, almost decadent way of thinking, that our brains have adapted to in this new culture. We expect what may come easily for others to come easily for us also.

The problem is, there will always be someone more successful, better looking, luckier, and wealthier. Does this mean that they are living a better life? Not necessarily. Sometimes, people who have lives where everything comes easy to them aren't happy people at all. These are the people that will one day face some tragedy in their lives, as we all do, but not have the collected skills to cope. When I see someone who is rich and think about how great their lives must be, I try to keep in mind this quote by Roger Corless - "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."

Maybe, instead of complaining about the mental and physical shortcomings we may have at the moment, we should see them as opportunities. Opportunities to not only grow and prove the naysayers wrong, but also opportunities to learn valuable lessons that can help others. It is my pride that keeps me from growing. When you're full of pride, you don't learn as fast because you think you already know it all, and even if you know that you don't know it all, you certainly don't want someone else to tell you that. Instead of taking what a person is telling us as something that we can find some value in, we take it as a slight against our intelligence or work ethic even if this wasn't their intention.

I know that Man of Steel isn't the most popular of the films in the Superman franchise, but after watching it a few times, I've really gotten into the philosophy, theology and psychology of the film. It's not incredibly deep, but there is a story there that never gets old. It's the hero's journey, the powerless becoming the powerful. Not through their pride and a 'I'm going to show them'  - vengeful attitude, but through a humility that is kept in check and a selflessness that exceeds the norm.

There were some obvious references to Jesus in this film and people still find this intriguing and admirable two-thousand years later. Clark Kent is a fish out of water on this planet, raised by parents who are trying to cope with his uniqueness and trying their best to raise a boy who will someday be the most important man on the earth. Both of their births are unnatural to the planets they are born on. Clark is bullied throughout his childhood, but restrains from violence. He saves people, never to show off his power, but only because he thinks it's the right thing to do. When others notice these flashes of extraordinary abilities in his childhood, they don't know what to think of him. Jesus preaches at a young age and draws a crowd because of his supernatural knowledge.

Clark works blue collar jobs. Jesus was a carpenter. Clark finds a vessel in the snow where he can talk to his real father from Krypton, Jor-El. Jesus would go away to pray to his real Father in Heaven. Clark's father tells him the path that he his to take, which is to save mankind from General Zod who wants to set up a new kingdom on Earth. Jesus is to save mankind from Satan who would like to reign over Earth. While Clark is talking with a priest in a church, you see in the background, on a stained glass window, Jesus kneeling in the Garden of Gethsemane with what looks like a red cap across his back. In the garden, Jesus is struggling with the mission that he knows will separate him for the first time in his life from his father. He knows that he will soon be arrested. Clark is struggling with taking the leap of faith of helping mankind himself. Debating whether or not to turn himself in and let them hand him over to Zod.

Clark lets the soldiers handcuff him. It's symbolic because he could easily break free from them at anytime. Jesus lets them arrest, beat, and crucify him although he could save himself at anytime. Clark's father dies before seeing his son become the man he was meant to be and his mother is the only parent there to see his struggles and redemption. It is believed that Joseph died young also, because Mary is the only parent at the cross and at the empty tomb.

At the time of his arrest Clark says that he is 33 years old. Jesus was arrested and crucified at 33 years old. On Zod's ship Superman is reduced to a normal man, with normal powers. On the cross, Jesus is taking on the sin of the world and feels that his Father has forsaken him. When Superman breaks free from Zod and his father Jor-El tells him that he can save mankind; he leaves the ship in the same position that Jesus is in when he's on the cross saving mankind.

Superman saves soldiers that were trying to kill him earlier, because he knows that they were doing so out of fear, by orders, and out of ignorance. Jesus, while on the cross, ask forgiveness for his persecutors saying "they know not what they do." Jesus reattaches the ear of a soldier that arrested him when Peter was trying to keep them away with a sword.

Superman defeats Zod before he can make the Earth what he wants it to be, and Jesus rises from the dead putting an end to Satan's grip on the Earth. All of the fictional suffering of Superman and the real suffering of Jesus wasn't in vain.  If we think we are better than others, or that we have it all figured out then we are more prideful than Superman, and we're not following the teachings of Jesus. If we are prideful we will not win in the end.

But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. - Luke 22:26

The most humble will be the greatest. The most prideful will be the least. Being humble isn't an excuse to fear man. Being humble does the opposite actually. If you are not full of yourself, then there is no pride for someone to prick or destroy. The humble are seen in high regard by people because of their restraint and strength. Their ability to do what is right no matter what the circumstance is admired. As humans, this comes and goes, but the longer you can remain humble the better. That is why the comments and thoughts of others about us shouldn't emotionally effect us like they do; whether they are good or bad. The good, uplifting comments shouldn't make us proud and boastful because soon their will be someone to take us down a notch. The negative comments and thoughts of others shouldn't emotionally cripple us because they don't make us who we are. They are only passing thoughts in another person's head.

You are not your mistakes. You are not your sins. The opinions of others shouldn't be able to dictate our emotional well being and the actions we take. If Jesus or Superman lost faith in humanity because of the cruelty that it showed towards them, they wouldn't have selflessly saved it - they would have vengeance on it. Doing what is right and doing what we feel are two different things.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. One's pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor. Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. - Book of Proverbs

"It takes pride to be anxious - I am not wise enough to know how my life should go."- Tim Keller

Hey Brain.....F U

I often see people on TV or in front of a large group who aren't attractive, well read, well spoken, have no sense of style and wonder..."Why do they have no problem doing what so many people in this world are so afraid of?" You can see them on ESPN mispronouncing words (and not by accident - they really think the way they pronounce the word is correct) like terrible as turrble. How do these people get these jobs where they have millions of people hanging on their every word? 

I'm not saying that you have to be attractive, well read, well spoken, or have this great sense of style to be a good public speaker or to be an announcer on TV. I have nothing against people making a good living. What I'm saying is that there are some very attractive, well read, well spoken, stylish people out there that get up in front of 10 people and their voice shakes, they turn red - they are literally hating every moment of the experience while others without these qualities have never once in their lives had trouble speaking in front of a group (no matter how many are in the audience). So what's going on in the brain that can make some people confident in any social situation (that really have no advantage or reason to be) while it tears down people that could have the world by the freaking tail if they could only get over this one thing?

Look at college professors. A lot of these bloated, ugly, so-called liberal men are mocking beautiful women in their class who don't like to give presentations - like it's something they can get over in 5 minutes with their help. "Gee, thanks Prof, I haven't been dealing with this for years! I have never heard anyone say how ridiculous it is to feel the way I do or that maybe I feel this way because I'm self-absorbed - but guess what? The tough love crap hasn't worked yet!"

The mocking we see in a stupid teen movie isn't how it works in the real world. The real world is more nuanced and mental. It's not always the good looking kids bullying the nerdy looking kids. When it comes to social anxiety, it's a free-for-all on the socially anxious people. In a real high school or college you can have a guy that looks like the fat comic book nerd on the Simpsons ridicule a guy that looks like a model because he's too quiet. And of course, the quiet kids don't stick up for themselves, they actually let these freaks get to them, which empowers the mean to stay mean.

It's definitely a mental thing because social anxiety doesn't care about the physicality of the person that it's effecting. Maybe the best looking people are more likely to suffer with social anxiety? Well, if that's the case I don't see it, because there are also the Brad Pitts and Jessica Albas of the world that don't deal with it.

Is it upbringing, the thought process, the ego being either too big or too small, making too big of a deal out of mistakes made in the past, the freaking devil? You search the web enough and you'll find a thousand "experts" that have the cure - most of whom never suffered with SAD. There is an answer and we will figure it out (because it has been overcome before), and when we do, we will be more aware of the suffering of others, kinder, less self-involved, and more successful. Beware egomaniacs, maybe there is a reason for this after all. Maybe the suffering isn't all in vain.

Dont be a Charlie X

For some reason I've been watching a lot of Star Trek lately. I've never been a Star Trek fan so I don't know why I'm getting into it now. Maybe it's because I've run out of stuff to watch on Netflix, being that a lot of it is crap. The shows I watch (House of Cards, The Fall) -  I can catch up on in a weekend and then there are shows like Arrow and Wilfred where I have to wait months for Netflix to add the new episodes. Well, all of the Star Trek series are finished so there is no catching up to do there, just watch at my own pace. I've even thought of checking out what the draw to Doctor Who is, but it looks like watching the Star Trek series by themselves could take years. 

I recently watched an episode of the original 1966 Star Trek called Charlie X. I have never in my life thought of William Shatner as cool until I watched this episode. If you have Netflix, just check out this one episode if you're at all curious. Those early episodes are like a science fiction version of Mad Men. 

In this episode, some transport ship dumps off this teenager named Charlie onto Captain Kirk and his crew on the Enterprise. They see that the Enterprise is going in the direction of some planet that apparently this Charlie kid's colony resides. They quickly leave the ship like they are afraid of the kid. Being older, corny sci-fi, you immediately know that the kid has something wrong with him and that he is going to be a threat to the crew in some way. It's really not a mystery, but more of a character study on teens, or what they thought of teens in the 1960's. 

I'm no Trekkie, so I'm not going to try to remember every detail and name, but the Doctor checks out this Charlie kid and everything seems good physically, even though they'd found him alone on this abandoned ship with only computers to talk to since he was three. There was some explanation of how he ate and learned to speak on the abandoned ship and then it immediately goes into Charlie seeing a woman for the first time. Like I said, it's sci-fi Mad Men. 

Charlie sees crew member Janice Rand and ask Captain Kirk, "Is this a girl?" So, he's never seen a woman and this sets up this odd sexual tension between Rand and Charlie for the rest of the episode. At one point Charlie slaps her on the butt and doesn't understand why she gets so upset. She tells him he needs to speak with the Captain and maybe he can explain it. Later, she tries to introduce him to a teenage girl his own age who he's rude to because she's not Rand, later turning the teenage girl into a lizard with his telekinetic power. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that not only is Charlie an angst filled teen with what seems like Aspergers, but he also has these telekinetic powers that can melt objects, turn people into animals or inanimate objects, or just plain wipe them from existence. 

Captain Kirk, in all his manliness, wants to teach this freak some lessons on being a human, man, boy (all of the above) but of course he's very fatherly and nice about it (at least at first). He takes him to some part of the Enterprise where they teach fighting. It's some kind of 60's judo that doesn't look too effective, but Charlie doesn't get the gist of it on the first try, so he throws a little temper tantrum and says he doesn't want to do it anymore. Kirk talks him into trying a few times and then throws Charlie to the ground. One of the trainers, sitting in the corner watching, starts to laugh. Well, Charlie doesn't understand this and yells "Don't laugh at me!" while he rolls his eyes up into his head. Anytime he does this eye thing, it's apparently the cue that something is about to go down, because all that's left of the trainer is his towel after that. Kirk takes it all in stride and walks over to this huge intercom on the wall and calls for security. He promises Charlie that they won't hurt him but when they get there Charlie freaks out again and makes their ray guns disappear. Later you learn he can also break legs with this strange power. Why he doesn't just come out and tell Captain Kirk that he didn't need to learn Hippy Judo in the first place is beyond me.

So, after Kirk sees the real Charlie and what he is capable of, it just goes downhill from there for the poor kid. Rand, the woman that he has this huge crush on, continues to tell him that he is too young, Spock beats him at some kind of 3D chess (which makes no sense) and after Spock leaves the room he melts the pieces with his mind. Charlie just becomes a spoiled brat tyrant. He can't take anymore rejection from Rand so he makes her disappear. He's walking down the hall and some people are laughing in a room off to the side, not at him, but I guess he thinks so, so he yells, "Stop laughing!" and one of the females comes around the corner wihout a face (just skin - no eyes, mouth, or nose). Where once the crew thought he was just a teenager dealing with typical teenage problems, their pity quickly changes to anger.

They try to restrain him, but they can't. He even takes over the helm and controls the Enterprise with his mind, which really pisses Captain Kirk off. This is when the Captain comes up with this ingenious plan that Charlie's mind can only control so much. So they turn on everything in the ship, Commodore 64's, Atari 2600 looking monitors, lava lamps - the whole works. Charlie can't take much more when this strange green cloud of justice comes and takes him away and makes everything on the Enterprise right again. I know there is a better synopses of this out there, but I really want to get to the psychology of Charlie. How would any teen act with these kind of telekinetic powers? It probably wouldn't be pretty. 

There are those of us (on this planet) that are so overly sensitive that we can kind of be like Charlie X. We immediately think that every snicker or polite denial by a female is this huge catastrophe that must be avenged. Of course, there are also some asses out there that could use a little more sensitivity but I'm not talking about them. Those are the kind of people that think they have it all figured out anyway and would never read some blog like this. 

Charlie doesn't like to learn new things. We see this early on when he's in Mad Men Judo class with Shatner. He gives up after not getting his fall right the very first time. It isn't because he didn't want to be there in the first place. He likes to try new things, but he wants to skip the learning part. It's because he thought, with his powers, he'd immediately be an expert. Well, none of us are immediately an expert at anything (especially in the real world). In fact, most things, even those things that we have some natural abilities in, take years to master. It would be nice to learn Kung Fu within minutes like Neo in The Matrix, but we're not there yet. Charlie had no patience for this. Being told that he didn't do something right the first time, and Captain Kirk throwing him to the ground in practice hurt his ego. Your ego is always tested when you get involved with something new. It's exciting to try new things, but most of us realize there is a learning curve. There will also be the teacher or mentor that has to take us down a notch, every now and then, to keep our ego in check. Sometimes it's for our own good. Charlie didn't understand the process so he gave up immediately and became mad at the Captain. The anger was a result of his fragile ego. The bigger your ego the more fragile it actually is. 

Charlie wants everyone to like him. Throughout the episode, Charlie ask crew members if they like him. Doctor McCoy tells him that this is typical of being a teenager early on, but he still seeks approval from everyone on the ship and becomes angry whenever he feels rejected. To be liked was a big deal for Charlie because he'd spent most of his life alone and (perhaps) wanted to fit in so that he wouldn't go back to feeling alone. The problem is, the harder we try, the more we tend to push others away. It's good to be liked, but it's good to be liked for being who you are without having to force it. When it comes natural, you usually draw the right people into your life. When you force it, you can draw people into your life that take advantage of your need for their approval, which they will hang over your head at every opportunity. 

Charlie is too eager with women. He doesn't know the Brad Pitt rule. He will keep approaching the wrong woman over and over, no matter how many times he's turned down, instead of moving on. He doesn't yet realize that even if he gets a date with the woman he thinks he wants the most, he will wind up miserable because she doesn't have the same feelings for him. He confuses attraction with love. You can't love someone that you don't really know. You can feel physically attracted to them, but until you know them and they want to let you in, it's just a one-sided crush. It's best to take your cue and exit. Wait for the right one - the woman that you're attracted to and want to get to know better who also has some of those same feelings towards you. Until then, your just chasing your tail.

Charlie doesn't like to be laughed at. Sometimes it's real, most of the time it's just joking with him, and sometimes it's laughter from afar that has nothing to do with him, but Charlie assumes the world revolves around him, so all laughter must be aimed at him. We all have these bad days when it seems like it's us against the world. When we have these days, a simple jest we would normally just blow off with a return quip of our own turns into us thinking that this evil person is just after us. We might even assume they don't like us and they're having fun at our expense. Most of the time this isn't the case. The people that go after others this way usually make sure you aren't around before doing this. Charlie assumes that everyone is laughing at him. Everything is a shot to his ego. His whole being seems to depend on what other people say or do. 

Charlie doesn't know how to control his emotions, especially anger. Someone that has telekinetic powers on top of being short-tempered is obviously a bad mix. Thank goodness that none of us have these powers, because we would probably use them. Maybe not as often and to the extremes that Charlie does, but I can see a lot of people ruining someone's day with a flat tire or some other mundane annoyance. Being that he had never experienced human contact before and didn't know any of the normal societal boundaries, Charlie loses in a sparring match - makes a guy disappear. Charlie loses at chess - melts the chess pieces. Charlie is introduced to a girl his age - turns her into a lizard because he's more interested in the woman that introduced her. People noticed that he was quick to anger and Spock, being the ultimate stoic, left the room after his chess match with Charlie quite puzzled at the over-the-top reaction. When people see that you don't have emotional stability, they have different reactions but none are good. Some have pity on you, some return the anger to give you a taste of your own medicine, and some simply keep away from you - not needing the drama in their lives. In this day and age, it's usually avoidance you'll see. Why invite the guy to lunch that's just going to give the waitress hell, or take everything that is said personally? 

So, in this one Star Trek episode from 1966 you can learn a lot about what not to do in a society but I think a good summary of everything that effected both Charlie and the crew of the Enterprise has to do with his sense of pride and an hypersensitivity. This sensitivity caused the majority of Charlie's problems. We've all been there. There are times when we become touchy about everything said or done that can even remotely pertain to us. There are days when we are just not in the mood for our boss to tell us what we are doing wrong. 

If you'll notice when you have these moments, you are usually down on yourself. Your inner thoughts will usually be out of whack, even thinking about times that you were put down in the past, where you let it slide, "but dammit, I'm not going to let it slide this time!" When we have these negative thoughts about the past or we're feeling worthless, we can be more sensitive to the things that are said by others. We may think that everyone is laughing at us - that we are a joke to certain people. And, sometimes we may be, but these are the ones we don't need in our lives anyway.  It takes pride to think that everything revolves around us. So, no matter how down on yourself and worthless you may be feeling, there is still some pride there. If there wasn't, then the opinions of others (good or bad) wouldn't effect you. If you are only feeling good when being praised by others and feeling bad at the smallest slight, then you're way too concerned with the opinions of people who probably think about you for 3 seconds a week. 

Charlie wasn't shy. Charlie was overly confident, thought that he deserved whatever his mind could conjure up, and quick to anger when his ego was threatened. When you start to feel like a Charlie, it's time to go inward and think about the real cause of the hurt. Contemplate what's going on in your head that's making everything a big deal. Then, if you need to address it outwardly in the physical world you can do so with a clear head and rationally.  

When the World Gives Up on You

Where does strength come from when the world has given up on you? Does it come from within, a higher power, that one friend or family member that hasn't given up on you? Sometimes it's from all of the above working together, but sometimes, at your darkest hour, it's just you and God. You can have the support of family and friends all day after a loved one dies, but after the funeral is done and you are lying in bed, your spouse asleep beside you, it's still only you and your thoughts, and we all have that moment of 'hopefully God knows what I'm feeling, because apparently no one else has a clue.'

We all worship something - whether it's money, the opinions of others, the opposite sex, God, your talent, entertainment, exercise...the list goes on. But until you realize that worshiping earthly things and thinking about things in a horizontal way leads us down the same paths over and over, it's hard to move forward. If we don't see that there is a higher power, something bigger than all of this, most find they are stuck in a rut. Call it a crutch, but if this is it - the world is crap for a lot of people, for no reason at all, and with no redemption in sight.

When things are looking bleak for us we soon realize people have their own lives to live and problems to deal with. They sometimes no longer have the energy to give 3rd and 4th chances to us. You will notice after you've spent some time just conversing with God in these hours of darkness - a true 'this is who I am - what is going on?' back and forth, that sooner or later He brings helpful and, often, life-saving people into your life when you are ready for them. He might also remove those from your life that aren't good for you, at least temporarily. When you really quiet yourself and contemplate this, you'll see the miraculous in things and realize that coincidence, in no way, can account for what is happening when we are slowly being set back on our feet.

The actor Robert Downey Jr. has never claimed to be Christian, but did say that Catholicism saved his butt in jail a few times. If anyone has gone from the top to the bottom, and then back to the top (all while in the public eye) it's Robert Downey Jr. It seems that there are a lot of different ideas of what religion and God mean to Downey, depending on which article you read, but when you hit rock bottom you do realize that people and money are not the answer to all of your problems. There is something spiritual, something bigger. So while I'm on a different trajectory theologically than Downey (myself being Christian) I do see how outlooks change when a person goes from 'this is all there is' to 'there is something bigger out there that has actually saved my life'.

Robert Downey Jr. is one of the most prolific actors of our time. If you kept up with his career in the late nineties you would have thought that his days as a mainstream actor would be over. From 1996 through 2001 it was arrest after arrest for drug related charges. Just when you thought he was done with drugs for good, he would be in trouble for the same issue months later. In 1999 he told a judge, "It's like I have a shotgun in my mouth with my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of gun metal." In other words, he knew his addiction was killing him, but he liked it too much to stop.

Downey mentioned, at one time, that he was introduced to drugs by his father at eight years old. Most of us grow up knowing what normal behavior is because of our parents, we then adapt to fit that normal. If their normal isn't what is acceptable by the rest of society we usually don't realize this until our teenage years, and what a time that can be to learn this. In order to 'fit in' with other teenagers we then have to adapt to a new normal. To make it more complicated, we are also looking for something to rebel against at this age, but how do you rebel against the family group who sees almost everything as acceptable. Your perceptions of right and wrong, good and bad, can become very skewed. This leads the rebellious teenager to go further than most would in order to experience the same rebellious testing that a normal teenager would.

On Oprah in 2004 he said of his struggle with addiction, "You can reach out for help in kind of a half-assed way and you'll get it and you won't take advantage of it. It's not that difficult to overcome these seemingly ghastly problems...what's hard is to decide to do it." There came a point where he couldn't play the game anymore. He grew up learning a craft which taught him how to be good at 'playing pretend' or essentially lying. Acting was something that gave him a lot of acclaim and accolades, but perhaps why he was able to get away with his harmful addictions for so long. It's one thing when your spouse or child comes home drunk, they tell you they aren't, but you can see right through it. But what about the spouse, child or friend that is on par with the likes of a Pacino or Brando. By the time he finishes his story you will likely be helping him get in the shower because of the pepper spray that got on him after some armed guy tried to mug him. He tells you his girlfriend sprayed the mugger, but he got some in his eyes during the struggle - and "yes, of course I'm acting strange, I was almost just killed." Needless to say, not only was addiction an issue in Downey's life, but his acting and fame probably only helped to perpetuate it.

With his past hanging over him like a cloud, there were some independent films through the late nineties and the Elton John video in 2001. He was even nominated for an Emmy after joining the cast of Ally McBeal, but it still wasn't the "larger than life/brat pack" RDJ that the world had known before. Mel Gibson gave Downey his first lead role in a film after his last stint in jail. The movie didn't do well financially but it did get Downey back to a job that he loved doing. Gibson was one of the few in Hollywood that defended Downey regularly and when Gibson started going through his own issues, Downey was quick to return the favor...

His real comeback started in 2008 with two blockbusters that put him back on the map - Tropic Thunder and Iron Man.  The quick witted yet astonishingly subtle genius of Downey came out with a vengeance in both films. Both broke box office records in their own genres and Downey was nominated for Best Supporting Actor by the Academy for his role in Tropic Thunder. Coincidence or not, a lot of this success came on the heels of his marriage to film producer Susan Levin. Like I said, some people come into our lives exactly when they are supposed to. The plan is laid out but we are so wrapped up in the troubles of today we can't see it. 

"There's no understanding for me of the bigger picture in real time in a hands-on way without her. Because it was the perfect, perfect, perfect matching of personalities and gifts."

How do you go from having the police called on you because you were so high you fell asleep in a stranger's house to sitting front and center at the Academy Awards? It's bursting through barriers that the world has set out for you (which are really just mirages), realizing you aren't the center of the universe, letting go of the past, and learning how to be a man.  

If you watch interviews before and after his struggles you will see the transition from boy to man. Some of us have to grow up early, some of us much later, but you are thankful when it happens. It's usually only through struggle that we do learn what it is to be a man. Better to have struggled and come out stronger than to have never struggled and die like a teenager listening to Morrissey and playing Call of Duty, all the while saying woe is me as you slip into a fast food induced diabetic coma. 

Being a man means you own up to your mistakes and wring every drop of wisdom you can get out of the experience. It means you go to work and do that job to the best of your ability in order to support your family. It also means you are there, no longer the guy who's always on to the next adventure, wanting to be in the spotlight. Your ego shrinks and your influence grows. When you become a man, you start to think of others more and being a husband and father gives you the opportunity for that. When you are a boy, you may mistakes, like leaving your wife and kids because of weakness or selfishness, but as a man you face things head on and you keep your promises. 

This past June - Downey's son Indio was arrested for felony cocaine possession. Instead of blaming society or the other people in the car with his son, like a lot of us do in this day and age, Downey said, "Unfortunately there's a genetic component to addiction and Indio has likely inherited it. Also, there is a lot of family support and understanding, and we're all determined to rally behind him and help him become the man he's capable of being. We're grateful to the Sheriff's department for their intervention, and believe Indio can be another recovery success story instead of a cautionary tale."

So, where does that strength come from when the world has given up on you? They've counted you out and you, yourself don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Think about the years of being the butt of jokes and all of the people that counted him out the next time you see Robert Downey Jr. on a billboard in Times Square. When you see a large, beautifully crafted church that worships a man who said, "Don't take the best seat, but rather the least" - think about how this man was counted out to the point where they murdered him at 33 years old. When you see any man who's come from the pits and mire and has reclaimed his life in such a way that it is an inspiration to others, you should know that anything is possible. Look at King David. He's held up as this great king, but he wasn't perfect. He saw a woman that he wanted and sent her husband to the front lines to be killed so he could have her. How many of you have committed murder? So, if God can change David's heart and make a murderer great again, why not you? He decides who will be great and respected in this life for many different reasons. We won't all be famous actors, rich, or certainly not any type of king, but there are these little windows into 'the plan' that you can see, even in your darkest hour, if you only search for it. 

When you are invited by anyone to a marriage feast, don’t sit in the best seat, since perhaps someone more honorable than you might be invited by him, and he who invited both of you would come and tell you, ‘Make room for this person.’ Then you would begin, with shame, to take the lowest place. But when you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place, so that when he who invited you comes, he may tell you, ‘Friend, move up higher.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at the table with you. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."   Luke 14:7-11

The Bravery of Ricky Williams

Hard to believe #34 suffered with Social Anxiety Disorder

I remember being in the waiting room at a psychiatrist office in the nineties thinking that I was one of the only people in the world going through Social Anxiety Disorder. At the time, I was hopeful that there was some magic pill I would be prescribed that would just fix it all at once. There were a lot of magazines spread out on the coffee tables and end tables, so this magazine wasn't strategically placed or anything. It was just one Sports Illustrated among the many. I flipped to the article about Williams because I knew he'd just started with the New Orleans Saints and he'd had a lot of success with Texas A&M. At the time he was this 'force to be reckoned with' as a running back.

To my surprise, the article went into something I didn't expect it to at all. The article actually talked about his battle with SAD. From what I remember it was Q&A. I remember the sense of relief that came over me while reading this. I knew that there were people out there with social anxiety, but I don't think anyone this famous, this much in the public eye, had really addressed it up until then. The only other person at the time I'd even heard about that suffered with it was Kim Basinger, but it wasn't talked about much, so I considered it a rumor.

There are these little things that happen in our lives daily that we chalk up to coincidence, but to this day I still think that reading that article wasn't just a coincidence, but more of a blessing. I still draw a little courage from it. If this muscled up NFL pro had the guts to admit that he suffers from SAD, who am I to try to hide it or not find any way possible to help someone else in my small circle of influence. I'm thankful to this day that Williams was brave enough to shed light on the subject of SAD because one of the big hurdles of SAD has to do with the fear of others noticing your fear, which just causes more fear and anxiety.

For someone that doesn't deal with SAD I guess a good example would be - Let's say your struggling with an addiction to porn. You haven't heard much about anyone else that struggles with it. It's there, but not on your radar. Your buddies might joke around with you about it because they watch it from time to time, but you know it's something that's gone that extra step to 'out of control' with you personally. You decide to seek some help with it and while you are at your therapist office in the waiting room, you pick up a magazine and John Mayer is talking about his addiction to porn. It eases your mind a little, enables you to open up to your therapist a little more about the subject. It doesn't cure anything to know someone is going through the same thing as you, but it definitely helps. Especially, when the person that's talking about it in a magazine read by millions has other qualities you find admirable.

"A lot of people who experience it were shy as a child. I can remember being in high school and one day specifically that I was in class and I raised my hand to answer a question and I gave an answer and then I immediately thought, “That’s a really stupid answer, I’m never going to ever raise my hand again,” and I didn’t ever raise my hand again in class."

"When I got on medication and started going through therapy I had a renewed sense of what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a football player again, I wanted to be a good football player again. So I started therapy and I got on Paxil and a week or two later I was back in New Orleans dedicated to become the best football player that I could be. That is when I came out and told people that yeah, there’s something wrong. And I tell you, today and every day since then I get stronger, I get more confident, I get better. And, I’m up here in New York talking to a lot of people letting them know my story because if I’m who I am and I can do it, then anyone can do it. If your social anxiety is holding you back, talk to someone. It can get better. You can be happy." link

Williams states that he only took Paxil for 14 or 15 months. He reports that he no longer suffers from social anxiety as you can see in the video below.

"Well, I am now convinced there is no kind of fear or anxiety anyone has to live with. Talk to someone, see if they can help you." - Ricky Williams