Trying to Prove Something and the Need to Impress

"I try to keep in my mind the simple question: Am I trying to do good or make myself look good? Too many of our responsibilities get added to our plate when we are trying to please people, impress people, prove ourselves, acquire power, increase our prestige. All those motivations are about looking good more than doing good." - Kevin De Young 

I have had a problem with feeling that I have something to prove and a need to impress. When I have these feelings I need to remember that I'm coming from a place where I'm worried about what others think about me. If I wasn't worried about other's opinions then I wouldn't have anything to prove. I would just do the best I could do at what I was passionate about doing and let the work speak for itself; regardless of my need for compliments. Who am I trying to impress and why? Even if I do impress them, what difference does it make if I'm not happy? If I impress someone with the amount of money that I can make, but I'm miserable while I'm making the money, then the only benefit that I received was financial security. Having money can be a good thing, but not if I'm still miserable after I've made it. Who knows if the money's going to last?  There is nothing for sure, not even life itself. Few are satisfied with their finances, no matter how enviable it may seem to others. Enough is rarely enough.

Who are you trying to impress? Is it your parents, your wife, your kids, your friends, your co-workers? When you think about it, isn't it strange that no matter what age you are, you want to show off your new toys to a parent? Whether it's a car, a new iPad, or a movie that you think they should watch - we always want to see there reaction. If your dad is a redneck and he thinks it's funny you bought a Civic, or if your dad is an environmentalist and he's upset that you bought a Ford F250, should you care at 35 years old? Not really, but most of us still do. Parents are just one example, we get pulled in all directions by the opinions of others.

Speaking for myself, I can see a lot of times in my life where I'd made decisions based on the opinions of what others thought was best for me instead of what I thought was best. Sometimes, they saw something in me that maybe I didn't see and it worked out for the best. For instance, maybe your wife doesn't see you owning a landscaping company because you can't stand to mow the lawn at your own house. She's not taking your "dream" from you, but just trying to steer you clear of some misery further down the road. This is a good thing, but there are a lot of decisions that were clearly from the mind of someone else, that if I'd done what my gut told me instead of trying to please or impress, I'd probably be on a much better path.

There were jobs that I stayed at too long and should have quit sooner, jobs that I didn't take, or stay at long enough. There were things that I should have said that I didn't, and things that I shouldn't have said that I did.  I've made a lot of decisions because someone told me it was something I needed to do or not do, even when it went against my best interest. There were times when I should have been exercising and eating right that I didn't because someone had better plans for my day. I'm sure there are a lot of regrettable tattoos from trying to impress someone else also.

When I'm trying to impress or prove something I also find that, not only am I more susceptible to what other people think I should be doing, but that I also have much thinner skin. When I'm trying to prove myself, everything that is said about how I should have done something I take as an insult. Maybe they're joking or making a suggestion, but it feels like they are attacking my worth as a human being. Being defensive and letting myself get upset about these things only shows them how thin skinned that I am and that I am even more malleable than expected. When we lack the ability to maintain an even keel, we show others that if they want something, all they have to do is make us feel good with flattery or make us feel bad with guilt or self-loathing. These are also the typical tricks of a pushy salesman.

Don't hand over the control of your emotions to whatever comes out of other people's mouths. If you do and they are the type to take advantage, then you're in for a long ride. They will learn that when they need you to say 'yes' to something that you would like to say 'no' to, you are swayed with an eager to impress, fear of rejection, or a dread of upsetting others.

Not to say that we should be selfish with our time, just reasonable. If you are working on something less important and your boss needs a report or answer to an email that could cost the company money, by all means, we should drop what we are doing and handle it. That's part of having a job. If you think you shouldn't have to answer to anyone then you should find a way to work for yourself. In the meantime, it wouldn't make sense to keep working on the project that isn't due until the end of the year just because you're not in the mood to answer an email, unless you don't care about job security at all.

Now, if you are already working on three different things that's due within the hour and something else is dumped on you while a co-worker has nothing to do, you might want to suggest some delegation. This happens sometimes when management sees that you're a hard worker. They can take advantage of those who do good work, sometimes unconsciously, because you get the job done faster and get it done right. It can be frustrating because it give people that aren't good workers a lot of leeway and less responsibility, sometimes for the same pay. In some cases, it's because the other worker gives them flack every time they are asked to do something so they always come to you first, instead of making waves and insisting that the lazier co-worker do their job. It's similar to the saying "the squeaky wheel gets the oil," but in this case, it's more like the "squeaky wheel gets less work." In situations like this, you have to notice where the work isn't balanced and speak up. Killing yourself to prove your worth or to prove that others aren't as good as you will eventually lead to burn out. Believe me, I've been there. It's like spinning plates. You can only keep it up for so long.

So, the next time someone has a different opinion of me, a better way of doing something, or some comment on what my next step should be - I'm going to try to listen without a quick answer, think if there is something productive there, and then consider what would best for me to reach my goals without burning out before I do. Better yet, some prayer would be helpful in these situations. Sometimes the "I did it my way," steps that we take are not the best. People can have some pretty crazy needs and we can see this with the divorce rate and ridiculous spending to the point of bankruptcy on cars and houses that we can't afford, but think we deserve. God's plan is even better than the one you have for yourself. 

There are a lot of people in this country who only stop when they are asleep. Is this the life that they really wanted to live, the life that they would've chosen for themselves? When they were kids did they ever think that they would so value the opinion of someone that has "authority" over them and value money so much that they would sell their souls? I doubt that many of us fantasized about being worked to the bone, retire with a modest amount of money, and die in a nursing home. All that work, but in 50 years few will know you even existed? Why live by the opinions of what others think you should do if that's the final outcome? It happens everyday, work at a job you hate, retire, and die without even trying to pursue something you were passionate about. My dad always wanted to be a history teacher and a cartoonist. It never happened because he found a good paying job that he became stuck in. He didn't enjoy his job, but they paid just well enough that it kept him from pursuing his real passions. He got his degree to teach history, and the company he was with just paid him a little more to keep him there. I can't say that I wouldn't do the same thing. We never wanted for anything, but I'm sure there are a lot of "what ifs?" floating around in his head. He was very gifted artistically. He might have made more money in the long run doing that? He's passionate about history. Maybe he could have written something? Better to have tried and failed than to regret not trying. Not to say he's a miserable person, but I'm sure the way things turned out wasn't his dream.

There are people out there that love their jobs. It's not something that is beyond reach. Yes, society needs garbage men and janitors, but it needs garbage men and janitors that enjoy what they do. If you're doing something that is making you miserable because that is what is expected by the other people in your little world, then you will be on your deathbed looking back at a lot of meaningless and wasted time.

There are going to be people in all walks of life that are going to be competitive with you. If you're the new guy with a company, there will be those that will want to see you succeed and there will be those that want to see you fail. The ones that want to see you fail are usually not having these thoughts because they don't like you, it's usually because they're simply selfish and want to be at the top of the ladder. If they see you succeed, you are an obstacle in their way. If it works out that you are doing something better than they can, or you're working harder than they do, then they will find ways to throw you under the bus when something goes wrong or try to get others to think negatively of you. This selfishness will usually come back to bite them, but in the off-chance that it doesn't these are the kind of people at the top of the ladder that when they are finally fired, everyone goes out for drinks and has a good laugh. Dealing with these types can be difficult, but if we stoop to their level we're no better than they are. I know it's very tempting, but we have to try to stay out of the office politics and gossip as much as possible. People notice this. If they don't like trait you have, they're trouble. If they appreciate it, then you've gained respect. Either way, it doesn't matter what others think - staying out of these petty conflicts and backstabbing will make you happier and less stressed in the long run.

The constant need for approval, trying to impress, and worrying about what others think of you is a mental prison that can make you feel like you are in a physical one. Sometimes we think of worse case scenarios and it usually does involve some type of rejection. It's a hard habit to break. When you surrender to being yourself regardless and let the chips fall where they may you'll notice your fear of what people think is diminished. Each day that we spend being miserable with our circumstances, there is someone else out there, who with a lot of prayer and thought, has come to a place in their lives where they are exactly where they're supposed to be. They get up every morning and it feels like a Saturday. This is hard for me to imagine right now, but to know that it is possible triggers thoughts that take me out of my mental prison and makes me want to be braver, more apt to take chances towards a goal, and more reliant on the fact that God has a plan that always works out for the best, no matter what it seems like right now or what roadblocks I may face in the future.