You're Angry Because of How You Feel About Yourself

You control your thoughts. No one else can make you think a thought in such a way that it changes the way you want to feel or the way that you will react or behave. It all starts in the mind. Speaking for myself, I find that I'm feeling the most anger against others when I feel down on myself. This proves to me that what others say isn't as effective as I think it is, or the ones doing the provoking aren't as effective as they think they are. Sometimes it's a mix of what was said or done and how I'm currently feeling about myself.

There is a righteous anger when we see or hear about someone who has abused a person or an animal. This anger is in us because it goes against what we have grown into as a civilized society. It goes against a proper mindset in which we protect our weak and innocent. When someone goes beyond the boundaries of what is acceptable, steps must be taken, sometimes steps that result in violence if someone is in immediate danger. We must be a society where men protect the women they see being mugged on our city streets, we must shut down the sexual predators that loom in the darkness, we must be a society that removes the whip from the hands of the sadistic as well as the power from those who wish to take away your basic rights. This is when anger is righteous. Sometimes, if you're not angry, you're asleep.

Going back to the inner struggle that we face when confronted with the less pleasant people or situations; the ones that might cause an unrighteous anger. If we are completely in control of our own minds and thoughts, and we don't like the feeling of being angry or its aftermath, then why in such petty situations (where the anger is not righteous) do we let it erupt in us like a certain green comic book character? I say petty, because most of what we get upset about (in the long run) is quite petty. If they were monumental problems and decisions, then I would know about your problems or you'd know about mine because it would effect more than just a small group (if not just yourself). Not all inconveniences that make us angry are petty, but more than we'd like to admit are.

When someone, say your boss, ask you why you haven't completed a project yet - is it the question that is bad or the way the we let the question make us feel? Of course, it depends on the tone and the attitude in which the question was asked but we still have the control over our own brains.  To paraphrase Tim Keller - "It's not your feelings that are hurt, it is your ego." When your pride is pricked or your ego is hurt, the emotional response is usually anger, sadness, or a mix of both. At first, it may even be a feeling of fear as in - "Oh no, I forgot about that report," but it can turn to anger quickly when your mind responds with - "I've been working on that as fast as I can," or "He/she has no idea how much I have on my plate, no wonder I forgot." So, that initial touch of shame or fear goes to anger, and the anger is now focused on the one who said the thing that hurt us.

You can tell your boss why you're behind on a project and he might understand, but if he continues down the path that hurts your ego, the more your anger will grow and the more likely you will be to retaliate. The key here is to stop and take some deep breaths. I've noticed that when I'm stressed, this is usually the first thing to go. My breathing immediately gets shallow when faced with any type of stress but when I focus on my breathing it calms me tremendously and takes me back to less of a reactionary state and more of a constructive and forgiving state.

Another thing that I try to remember, because it usually comes out in the conversation eventually, is that your boss is a human just like you are. In other words, if your ego being hurt or feeling down on yourself can cause you to become angry then if he or she is angry, aren't they coming from a similar place of fear or uncertainty about themselves? Every boss has a boss in some way or another, even if that boss if the financial stability that they've grown to worship. If the financial stability or excess is threatened, then they take these little hits to their pride and ego which in turn makes them a little down on themselves, which causes them to be occasionally angry when they feel that you or another employee has threatened it. Let's also be clear that nine times out of ten it isn't personal. It doesn't matter who the person is that has hurt their ego or who the person is that hurt your ego (either directly or indirectly), that will be the person that the anger is directed towards. You're not angry at them because of the way they look, you're angry because your ego was hurt and you're feeling down on yourself, perhaps because of some past emotional baggage.