It's Just You and Me

Let's just say it's been a rough couple of months (which I will take the time to write about at a later date). I head out of town tomorrow (flying to Minneapolis) to start training with my new job. Found out today I'll be sharing a hotel room with someone I've never met and needless to say I'm not too thrilled about this at all. If you've read any other post you'll know that this caused my social anxiety to flare up (like I wasn't already anxious about the whole thing already). Today has just been a lovely day of worrying about all of the possibilities. I think things like this happen to me because God is trying to draw me closer. I really do. It really does make me start talking to him. Of course, it always starts out in the way David talked to him in Psalms - "Why me? Why do you hate me?!"

I've already told God that if this is the way it's going to be then he is going to be hearing a lot from me. This journey - it's just you and me God. Like I've posted before. When it is all said and done, as much as someone or some group of people my care about and love you, there is only so much they can understand about your situation. While you are still up crying and praying they eventually fall asleep. Of course, the same is true the other way around also. So essentially, it always boils down to you and God. Anyway, I know that this isn't being read by anyone besides spammers, so spammers wish me luck. And to those of you who might be reading this 50 years from now for some reason (after the sweet release of death has taken me) - I hope that they have invented a magic pill that eliminates this social anxiety crap, completely without any side effects. I'm currently taking Buspirone. There aren't really any bad side effects but I sure do miss that feeling of relaxation that I would sometimes get from Xanax. I can't tell if this drug is working at all.

Putting Things Into Perspective

Not to be morbid here, but there is a way of thinking can actually help you separate the bull from the important while you're here for this short time on earth. It's meditating on the fact that you and everyone you know will die - most within the next 60 years.

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking that you have something to lose. You are already naked. There's no reason not to follow your heart." - Steve Jobs


Deep down none of us wants death. We might even say we wish we were dead at times but if God said "Okay," and we felt a horrible sharp pain in our chest most of us would probably change our minds pretty quickly. Of course, we all want to die in our sleep without feeling any pain when that unavoidable time comes. None of us wants to be slowly crushed by a car or stabbed 50 times in the ass until we bleed out. But, even if we avoid dwelling on that moment of death (which is probably healthy) there is no denying that this life that you are now living as you read these words is going to end.

This usually brings up the cliches like - "Life is short. Don't waste it. Live to the fullest," bull but even those of us on this planet that are living in utter poverty, not knowing where our next meal is coming from and sometimes in abusive situations are still clinging to life. They aren't living life to the fullest but they still aren't ready to die. Is it because we don't have the courage to take our own life or is it because no matter how pessimistic we may seem, something inside of us is telling us that something can change, something good can happen, and we don't want to miss out on that no matter how far fetched of a miracle it may seem? After all, miracles do happen everyday so why couldn't one happen to us? Besides, it would be selfish to put others in a state of misery because we've decided to check out early wouldn't it?

Five to one, baby
One in five
No one here gets out alive, now
You get yours, baby
I'll get mine
Gonna make it, baby
If we try.

Jim Morrison 


Life is hard. There are very few people on this earth that don't deal with strife. No matter how much money they have, who they are married to, how well behaved their kids are etc., none of us escapes this life without pain, and of course none of us gets out alive. So, instead of saying enjoy every moment (because that's an impossibility) I will instead say that when we do face troubles we should contemplate both the fact that nothing is permanent, you aren't the first and you won't be the last to have these feelings, and finally that the simple fact that you could die tomorrow makes that issue you have going on at work or the anxiety your having over speaking in front of a group seem petty and/or a waste of your energy.

The ancient world, and the Renaissance, had a good method of dealing with anxiety, which I find still works – the memento mori, or reminder of Death. Ancient philosophers, particularly the Stoics, would train themselves to consider Death , to consider how everything around them would turn to dust, how they themselves would soon be eaten by the worms, and forgotten by everyone on earth. - Jules Evans

In the Christian tradition there is also the concept of death of the body not being such a bad thing. When reading Paul's writings you can clearly see that he accepts the fact that he is still on the earth for a reason but he's more than ready to go "home" when God sees fit because there is no END even if it seems so to us at the present. There is only being absent from the body.

We are confident, I say, and owilling rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. - 2 Corinthians 5:8

Would if Your Goal In Life is to Just be Happy?

I messed up by getting too specialized of an education. That's something you don't hear of too much these days with the big push for community college and how they are feeding the workforce at just as high of a rate as the four year schools, but I can't be the only one that has had this issue. My associates is in computer science/networking specialist. Yes, networking specialist sounded great at the time and there is a high demand for the position, but without experience and even if you want to start at the ground floor - good luck getting a job in this field unless you know someone or have way more skills than a two year degree can give you. These schools, while well meaning, from my experience do not prepare you to complete all of the many certifications that employers need just to give you an interview. Some colleges are just taking money and churning out graduates. If you're a good test taker then your golden. Doesn't matter if the multiple choice question doesn't make sense to you in the real world as long as you can hold it in you brain until you're done taking the test.

Maybe I'm lazy, but I feel like if I had a 4.0 while getting that degree I shouldn't have to spend hundreds on extra seminars and off campus classes to take practice tests in order to get all of the many Cisco and Microsoft certifications. Maybe my real problem is, that as interested as I was in computers when I was younger, my taste had changed and I didn't have this fire in my belly to keep working towards these goals when I was already barely making it holding down a full time job in management while going back to school. Let's just say that WHEN I WAS DONE I WAS DONE.  I guess that's why it's best to get your education as early as possible (before anyone else depends on you). Also, I was getting into theology and philosophy at the time of working towards this associate in networking and it made the classes I was taking drier than I could have imagined.

I'm glad that I went back to school, even if perhaps it was a waste. It looks a little better on my resume than the 2 previous years I'd had toward my English Literature degree before dropping out. It shows that I started and finished something.  I still wish that I would have had the wherewithal back then to finish in Literature and to maybe teach somewhere. But of course, for those that know any of my history, generalized and social anxiety created a mental torment in me at that age that did not allow me to finish school. I'm surprised that I made it in the work force. God really was with me back then, even though I didn't realize it and was usually pretty upset with him.

So without going into detail about what kind of management that I'm in now, let's just say that it's middle management. In middle management, there are days when you are simply the complaint department and there's nothing fancy about it, no matter what your title is. Yes, they are those rare days when you play boss, but it's usually passing down some punishment that you may or may not agree with. This is a far cry from my more geekier goals of working with computers and not so much dealing with politics every day, day in and day out. There is a different kind of stress between finding where a cable may have split than dealing with complaints about why you don't provide good enough insurance. As if you are the owner of this giant company and can make these kind of calls in the first place.

As you can tell, I'm not exactly thrilled about the big life decisions I've made, particularly school and work. What was I thinking? But then comes the search for meaning and purpose. What is my reason for being here? What is the meaning of all this? Am I simply to go to work just to have something to do during the day all the while keeping the wheel turning on someone else's dream? It doesn't help that when you get stuck in certain dead end jobs you are surrounded by people that also feel stuck and it's like they are treading water to pay their bills, get through life, and hopefully retire with something left in their bank accounts. Essentially, you are either surrounded with people that complain a lot or have delusions of grandeur because they listen to Zig Ziglar. Really, it's Monday and you are that thrilled to be dealing with Bubba's HR issues? There isn't anything you'd rather be doing, like watching the Price Is Right? Of course you wouldn't want to do that, you are a productive member of society who feels that if he isn't going through these mini bouts of emotional turmoil that he's not truly living. Watching an Arrested Development marathon while living off of your lottery winnings sounds like a horrible idea to you. You're one of those people that say, "If I won the lottery I'd still work." Whatever, I might spend my money on some type of "work" that I would enjoy so much it would be like play, but working for someone else? Hell no.

I saw a Ted Talk on this guy who just dropped off the grid and went to Tibet to become a Monk. You see a lot of these type of talks, but if you do some research, the majority of these people are independently wealthy. There are days when I'd love to become some type of guru recluse that only comes down the mountain to fetch his food. I'd love to have been born rich and have people cook me healthy meals all day, workout when I felt like it, travel the world, pretty much just do whatever the hell I wanted to. Screw this need to be important and be a Trump Jr. where I have to be in the family business. Just give me my share and let me be. The amount of money some people make in a year could support us very comfortably for a lifetime. That's all I need. A house, cable, food, car, nothing that fancy. More than anything material I just want to be free from other people's demands. If I do something for my wife and kids, or anyone else I care about, that's because that's what I want to do; but as far as getting up early in the morning so that I can kiss some fat cat's ass and do his bidding - it'd be great to be able to be free from that. Happiness isn't possible without freedom, even if that freedom is only in your mind.  

"This was freedom. Losing all hope was freedom." - Chuck Palahniuk

So back to the big question. What is my goal? Well, I'd love to make money off of my writing but writers are a dime a dozen and the odds on that are pretty slim, so if I had to have a plan B I would want to be a barber. A barber with a cool little old school barbershop where I can just sit  around and bullshits with customers between haircuts until finally, one day, I'm too old to hold the scissors in my arthritic hands and I lock my doors for the last time. No more late nights, no more 'boss' telling me when some report is due. Yes, I know customers can be a pain, but let's face it - cutting men's hair is a much safer environment than cutting women's. I know I'd never become rich being a barber. Just making a good wage is fine. Money is nice, but the only reason I need it is for the independence it can bring. You never see what someone did for a living on their tombstone. 

Plan C - just stick to what I'm doing until they get rid of me or I lose my mind or both. From what they say, some of the happiest people in the world are the crazy ones so maybe that's what this is all headed towards. Either that, or there is always living off the government like a growing number of people in this country seem to be doing.

People Pleasing

I've been on a YouTube kick lately, subscribing to different channels that cover different topics. I've found that there are many channels that address the subject of narcissism and dealing with people who are narcissistic. I never knew that this was such an issue and that people had actually been looking for ways to cope and escape this personality trait to the point where they have (kind of) joined forces. They have "no contact" rules etc. Sometimes it seems that the people commenting on these videos have a tendency to label everyone a narcissist, but there are some interesting discussions nonetheless.

The video below is from spartanlifecoach. He's not one of those channels that only deals with narcissism, but I found a video that dealt with people pleasing and it's relation to people that would take advantage of this personality trait (mainly the narcissistic type).

Something he said that made me watch the video in its (30 minute) entirety was - "There are certain, very common personality traits that make you wide open to exploitation. You are going to be very fearful of engaging in verbal conflict and you are going to attract people to you that will want to engage you in verbal conflict. These same people will be attracted to you for the same reasons to target you for crime." This really hit home because, while I've never been mugged, I have noticed that I'm approached by sales people, hustlers, and the homeless in a much more aggressive way than I see them approach others. Not always, but just yesterday I noticed this specifically because a woman that approached me in a parking lot and said, "I just need money for food," had the opportunity to go up to a couple about thirty feet away from me after I told her I didn't carry cash, but as she was approaching them she veered around them and kept walking. So, while she wasn't a criminal or rude in this instance - what was it about me that made me seem approachable to ask this of and not the other people? Is being approachable not always a good thing like you often hear it said?

Like I said, this wasn't the only time that I noticed that I'm being picked out of a crowd to have a sales pitch thrown at me or for some NOLA shoe shiner to target me for a hustle. I've noticed that these occasions have decreased as I've gotten older and a bit more confident but sometimes there is still this assumption about me being a sucker, which as he says in the video, can open me up to a criminal element as well as just plain being taken advantage of. People pleasing is something that many of us are guilty of and it is good to be a nice person. I guess we just have to know where to draw the line for our own well being.

Disadvantages Can Improve Your Chance of Success

I found this Malcolm Gladwell interview pretty enlightening. Some of what we see as obstacles cause us to learn a better way or try harder etc. Disadvantage can actually be catalyst for future successes or innovation. Just listen to the names of millionaires with dyslexia that he list. There are so many it almost makes you wonder if being dyslexic is a prerequisite for a certain income.

12 Public Speaking Tips to Become Sturdy Minded

I've done some public speaking recently (twice in two days), which may be a surprise to anyone who's read some of my bleaker posts about this subject in the past. I'm not saying that this is something easy to get over (by no means) or that I'm completely at ease yet myself, but I thought I'd post a few things that have helped me out over the last few days and have made me much more comfortable. It's strange, but right now I'm feeling like I want more practice with it - which is a long way from the days where I would dread the experience from the moment I found out that it was coming until the moment the I was in front of a group.

The more comfortable I get with myself in front of a group, the more I feel as if a weight that I've been carrying half of my life is finally being lifted off of me. I even smiled a few times behind that podium because "It's been a long time coming." How ridiculous that I've let this hinder me for so long. I know that I have a long way to go, but taking these steps of doing and not avoiding (like I used to) has been good for me. I can already tell that the more I do this, the less of a 'big deal' my mind will make out of it. To show you how small I'm starting and how far I have to go - I haven't spoken in front of more than 15 people yet and my comfort level somewhat depends on who is in my small audience. If I know there's a rude or judgmental person there, I'm a little more anxious (which is something I've got to get past). Why let one or two people ruin progress? I've noticed from watching any public speaking, that there are people in the audience that will be judgmental no matter who is up in front of them. These are usually the people that would hate to be up there themselves.

Below is what has helped me and I didn't learn all of this on my own so I'm going to give credit where credit is due...

1. If possible, start speaking in front of 10 to 15 people. Where it's work related you can start by just reading and going over the facts without getting too much into personal stories etc. As you get comfortable that will come later.

2. I know this goes against what all of the public speaking "experts" teach but don't be afraid to make a joke out of your nervousness. The "experts" say you don't want to draw attention to it but if you think they will notice anyway, take the pressure off yourself by being real. They will usually laugh at this if it's done in a certain way. There is usually no reason,while public speaking, to make everything so serious. The more self-effacing and friendly you are, the more likely you'll get warm feelings back towards you. If someone in the audience is jerky enough to take advantage of that; you have the podium (so to speak), so you can shut them down (if even sarcastically).

3. Remember half of your audience isn't listening to you and the other half just hopes you don't call on them.

4. Smile - Smiling changes the brain. When you grin (even a small sly grin) it eases the tension. At least it has been working for me. You don't have to stand up there grinning like the Cheshire cat but every now and then helps the brain snap into a better mood and sense of well-being.

5 Breathing - this has been a biggie for me. I did not realize how much effective breathing can ease the tensions in my body. Here are the breathing videos I recommend (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched at one point)...



6. Realize that some things just can't be fixed with your head. Whether you're reading book after book on the subject but never putting it into practice, or you're backstage trying to think about how special you are because you read it in one of those books - there are some things you can't think yourself out of. Sometimes the best way to fix your head is to get out of your head - see  the videos below for better explanations (note it is a playlist - I suggest all videos be watched)...



7. If needed, get with your doctor or psychiatrist about prescriptions that will help with the nerves while you practice and get better at public speaking. If permitted by a physician, perhaps you can taper down the amount taken as you get more comfortable being in front of an audience - up to the point where you no longer find the medication necessary because your brain has rewired itself to see public speaking as something that isn't life threatening or as big of a deal as you once made it. The typical medications a doctor might prescribe would be Xanax or beta-blockers. Of course, it'd be great not to have to use them at all but it depends on how extreme the fear is. If it's to the point where you'd rather drive off into the distance, lose your job, and leave your family behind because your company wants you to give 20 minute speech, then perhaps your psychiatrist can give you something to help you get over that hump. While feeling the fear isn't a bad thing, there's no reason you have to suffer more than the average person does before they do public speaking. Even pets are given sedatives during thunderstorms.

8. When you can, use a podium. I love podiums. You can sort your paperwork out on them, hide those shaky hands you usually get at first. Lean on it for a rest when you want (but they will think you're doing it for effect). Use one when possible. Politicians have it made, besides debates they have a podium and teleprompters to read off of.

9. Don't over-prep. Over-preparing can make you more nervous (it does me). Have some bullet points you'd like to hit and go from there. You don't have to memorize a speech or practice it over and over. That's overkill and it makes being in front of other people as different than other parts of your life. Do you have to practice what you're going to say to your buddy or family members over and over before you talk to them? I know you want to be a little more prepared when you have a message that has to be relayed to a group of people but I'm done with over-prepping and the 'practicing in the mirror' bit.

10. Remember it's not about you, the world doesn't revolve around you. They don't care as much as you think they do. You're actually up there just having a conversation with fellow human beings.

11. Change your Diet for the better - I will get more into this later but I've cut way back on dairy and carbs and I'm feeling a lot calmer. Also, the better shape you're in, the better you'll probably feel in front of a group. Especially if you haven't nailed down that "I don't give a crap what they think" part yet.

12. Last trick I have that is still taking me some time to get a complete grip on - The more you don't care if you appear nervous or that people will notice your blushing, shaky hands, shaky voice etc. - the less nervous you will be. As a result of not caring if they notice, the symptoms are eliminated :). This probably goes hand in hand with #2 on this list. The less you care what others think, the better off you'll be.

"The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think."

You're Angry Because of How You Feel About Yourself

You control your thoughts. No one else can make you think a thought in such a way that it changes the way you want to feel or the way that you will react or behave. It all starts in the mind. Speaking for myself, I find that I'm feeling the most anger against others when I feel down on myself. This proves to me that what others say isn't as effective as I think it is, or the ones doing the provoking aren't as effective as they think they are. Sometimes it's a mix of what was said or done and how I'm currently feeling about myself.

There is a righteous anger when we see or hear about someone who has abused a person or an animal. This anger is in us because it goes against what we have grown into as a civilized society. It goes against a proper mindset in which we protect our weak and innocent. When someone goes beyond the boundaries of what is acceptable, steps must be taken, sometimes steps that result in violence if someone is in immediate danger. We must be a society where men protect the women they see being mugged on our city streets, we must shut down the sexual predators that loom in the darkness, we must be a society that removes the whip from the hands of the sadistic as well as the power from those who wish to take away your basic rights. This is when anger is righteous. Sometimes, if you're not angry, you're asleep.

Going back to the inner struggle that we face when confronted with the less pleasant people or situations; the ones that might cause an unrighteous anger. If we are completely in control of our own minds and thoughts, and we don't like the feeling of being angry or its aftermath, then why in such petty situations (where the anger is not righteous) do we let it erupt in us like a certain green comic book character? I say petty, because most of what we get upset about (in the long run) is quite petty. If they were monumental problems and decisions, then I would know about your problems or you'd know about mine because it would effect more than just a small group (if not just yourself). Not all inconveniences that make us angry are petty, but more than we'd like to admit are.

When someone, say your boss, ask you why you haven't completed a project yet - is it the question that is bad or the way the we let the question make us feel? Of course, it depends on the tone and the attitude in which the question was asked but we still have the control over our own brains.  To paraphrase Tim Keller - "It's not your feelings that are hurt, it is your ego." When your pride is pricked or your ego is hurt, the emotional response is usually anger, sadness, or a mix of both. At first, it may even be a feeling of fear as in - "Oh no, I forgot about that report," but it can turn to anger quickly when your mind responds with - "I've been working on that as fast as I can," or "He/she has no idea how much I have on my plate, no wonder I forgot." So, that initial touch of shame or fear goes to anger, and the anger is now focused on the one who said the thing that hurt us.

You can tell your boss why you're behind on a project and he might understand, but if he continues down the path that hurts your ego, the more your anger will grow and the more likely you will be to retaliate. The key here is to stop and take some deep breaths. I've noticed that when I'm stressed, this is usually the first thing to go. My breathing immediately gets shallow when faced with any type of stress but when I focus on my breathing it calms me tremendously and takes me back to less of a reactionary state and more of a constructive and forgiving state.

Another thing that I try to remember, because it usually comes out in the conversation eventually, is that your boss is a human just like you are. In other words, if your ego being hurt or feeling down on yourself can cause you to become angry then if he or she is angry, aren't they coming from a similar place of fear or uncertainty about themselves? Every boss has a boss in some way or another, even if that boss if the financial stability that they've grown to worship. If the financial stability or excess is threatened, then they take these little hits to their pride and ego which in turn makes them a little down on themselves, which causes them to be occasionally angry when they feel that you or another employee has threatened it. Let's also be clear that nine times out of ten it isn't personal. It doesn't matter who the person is that has hurt their ego or who the person is that hurt your ego (either directly or indirectly), that will be the person that the anger is directed towards. You're not angry at them because of the way they look, you're angry because your ego was hurt and you're feeling down on yourself, perhaps because of some past emotional baggage.